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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who’s in the wrong? Unsociable or sociable?

541 replies

ShittyFingers · 02/03/2022 08:26

Person A is pretty unsociable. She gets on the bus and looks forward to time alone to sit and think/daydream during her 1 hour journey.

Person B is sociable and looks forward the her 1 hour journey to chat.

Bus has lots of empty seats. Person B decides to sit next to Person A and try to strike up conversation. Person A is polite but makes it obvious she doesn’t want to talk. Person B is a little offended and thinks Person A is a miserable sod. After a few more attempts to make light conversation, person A moves seats. Person B now very upset and this plays on her mind all day.

Let’s say Covid isn’t a thing.

Who is unreasonable?

YABU - person A could have made more effort, it wouldn’t have killed her to chat

YANBU - person Bs wish to socialise doesn’t trump person A’s wish to not socialise

OP posts:
Heytheredemons · 02/03/2022 10:25

Person A is not unsociable. They enjoy their alone time, which they are entitled to do, without other people they hardly know demanding their attention.

Person B is not sociable, they are a massive pain in the arse that has no social skills and needs to learn to read the room.

CallMeDaddy58 · 02/03/2022 10:30

@sillysmiles

She was achingly lonely and lost. I'm glad I spent 20 minutes chatting to her.

This is what I thought of when I read the OP's post. Yes some people need quiet head space, but the person who needs to talk isn't necessarily rude, but potentially lonely.
It's unfortunate that the two requirements are so opposed, but I don't see why one persons need to be quiet is more important than another persons need for social interaction.
It's is not the responsibility of the quiet person to fulfil that social interaction need, but that isn't to say that it isn't equally a need and important for their social and mental health.
It's important to understand that both situations are equally valid.

Sorry but both situations aren’t equally valid. It can be incredibly difficult to find time to be quiet and so distressing to have a stranger interrupt that. They could be getting the bus to a hospital to visit a dying relative.

This is some “give us a smile love” type of BS where you are expected to ignore your own emotions to entertain a stranger.

There are endless opportunities for people of all ages to socialise with others. Many of them free or very cheap and you’re more likely to meet someone you have something uncommon with that if you talk to the stranger on the bus.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2022 10:32

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

How do you know how person B felt all day?
This, unless you are Person B but you seem to have very in depth knowledge of Person A's thoughts and feelings too
TimeToMakeACupofTea · 02/03/2022 10:36

I used to get on the same train to work as a colleague and we had a pact that neither of us would expect the other to chat whilst waiting for or on the train. I can’t be arsed first thing on a morning and like to chill out during the commute.

Kinko · 02/03/2022 10:36

I wouldn't stonewall anyone. But I'd probably say something like - I'm really sorry I've got an email to write or I'm listening to a training that I have to do before arriving at work. And get my phone out.

That way you spare the feelings of the other person who is just trying to be friendly. You've signalled you can't talk but without making it about not wanting to talk to them.

HadEnough798 · 02/03/2022 10:37

I take the point about possibly B is lonely but A's needs absolutely do trump B's needs.

Unwanted social interaction and forced conversation on A, can be exhausting and overwhelming in a way that unwanted quiet time for B cannot.

They're not comparable. B is absolutely 100% unreasonable.

hugocat · 02/03/2022 10:38

Person B is really annoying

NotTryingHardEnough · 02/03/2022 10:38

It’s funny, isn’t it, that in all my various encounters with Person B types over the years, not one has ever chatted for a bit, stopped, then said 'Well, I can see you’re trying to read/think/have some quiet time, so I’ll leave you alone. It was nice talking to you for a while though.'

They’ve just kept right on bulldozing through.

hugocat · 02/03/2022 10:38

Are you person A?

Ionlydomassiveones · 02/03/2022 10:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

MoonOnASpoon · 02/03/2022 10:41

How do you know how person B felt all day?

Maybe OP is person A and person B told them this.

EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn · 02/03/2022 10:42

Person B is U. My public transport time is for reading, not socialising. I’ve moved carriages on the tube before to get away from someone wanting to chat - admittedly a bus would be trickier, but being in London, if I really needed to I could get off & wait for the next one.

(And I have plenty of friends but haven’t met any of them on random bus journeys!)

TempleBlossom · 02/03/2022 10:42

@Heytheredemons

Person A is not unsociable. They enjoy their alone time, which they are entitled to do, without other people they hardly know demanding their attention.

Person B is not sociable, they are a massive pain in the arse that has no social skills and needs to learn to read the room.

This! Also people who dont get their own way always label other people as " rude"
Cognoscenti · 02/03/2022 10:42

Person B is overbearing and intrusive. If they're feeling upset that they harassed A to the point of having to move seats because they couldn't take a very obvious hint, fair enough. Otherwise, they really need to learn to back off in situations like this.
I feel sorry for A, I have ASD and would have found person B's behaviour quite distressing.

Herewegoagain84 · 02/03/2022 10:44

Oh god as strangers who just recognise each other from the bus, person B needs to sod off. I'd congratulate person A for having the courage to move - I would be too pathetic and spend an excruciating hour talking to person B and resenting it the whole time.

BogRollBOGOF · 02/03/2022 10:46

I'm not averse to some naturally arising small talk, but it is generally rude to not take the hint and ignore cues such as baggage on a seat (when seating is abundant) and distract from someone occupied by looking out of the window/ reading/ giving perfunctory responses.

Occasionally people can't interpret a hint. I have to be direct with DS1 when he wants to monologue at me about his interests and say "I'm doing x right now, I can listen to you after y". With his ASD he's fine with the direct style as he understands the purpose then and there's a clear expectation. However, he'd be a person A and swerve random interactions on a bus anyway.

Ultimately B has created the issue by approaching A and forced A into modifying their behaviour.

diddl · 02/03/2022 10:47

Does not wanting to chat for an hour on your journey to work really make you unsociable?

Also, sometime you might want to chat & sometimes not, so I would hate a B to sit next to me every day expecting an hour's worth of chat!

HelenWick · 02/03/2022 10:47

As strangers B is U and deeply weird!

noinorm · 02/03/2022 10:47

Person B is being unreasonable! I'm definitely a person A type, and this is why I wear earphones on the bus even though I'm not always listening to anything.

Gonnagetgoing · 02/03/2022 10:48

Person A was brave to move and yes she should've done this.

Depends if this is an everyday occurrence or a one off though. Sometimes it hasn't killed me to spend part of my commute chatting to someone I bumped into.

Years ago I commuted daily with a colleague who was also a friend (in days before everyone used laptops/phones or they did but not so much), we always had a nice chat but if she ever did want to work or be alone I hope I'd have accommodated her and vice versa. She was an architect and I was a PA/team sec at the same firm. It ended after 2 years or so and after she had a baby too but when she went to collect her baby from the nursery naturally that's totally up to her!

Person B does need to look into boundaries, reading them and appreciating that others may need alone time, especially if on a commute.

KneadingKitty · 02/03/2022 10:49

Tricky. I enjoyed sitting alone on the commute and would have been pretty annoyed at Person B, especially if it was every commute. A one-off is fine, but if I knew they'd be on the journey every day then I'd start avoiding them.

PinkSyCo · 02/03/2022 10:49

I’m person A but would never be so rude as to just get up and move seats!

Gonnagetgoing · 02/03/2022 10:50

@Herewegoagain84

Oh god as strangers who just recognise each other from the bus, person B needs to sod off. I'd congratulate person A for having the courage to move - I would be too pathetic and spend an excruciating hour talking to person B and resenting it the whole time.
@Herewegoagain84 - oh - just saw they're strangers - this is even worse.

B needs to really reassess their boundaries. A owes her nothing and was being nice and kind for a 10 minute or more chat before deciding to move.

KneadingKitty · 02/03/2022 10:51

I've just seen your update that they are strangers! I can't say I'm surprised though. When I used to commute on the bus I'd get all kinds of strangers talking to me and I'm not good with saying no. Person B is definitely unreasonable.

CushionSpiral · 02/03/2022 10:52

Person B is on the wrong everyday of the week