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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who’s in the wrong? Unsociable or sociable?

541 replies

ShittyFingers · 02/03/2022 08:26

Person A is pretty unsociable. She gets on the bus and looks forward to time alone to sit and think/daydream during her 1 hour journey.

Person B is sociable and looks forward the her 1 hour journey to chat.

Bus has lots of empty seats. Person B decides to sit next to Person A and try to strike up conversation. Person A is polite but makes it obvious she doesn’t want to talk. Person B is a little offended and thinks Person A is a miserable sod. After a few more attempts to make light conversation, person A moves seats. Person B now very upset and this plays on her mind all day.

Let’s say Covid isn’t a thing.

Who is unreasonable?

YABU - person A could have made more effort, it wouldn’t have killed her to chat

YANBU - person Bs wish to socialise doesn’t trump person A’s wish to not socialise

OP posts:
MintyFreshBreath · 03/03/2022 08:32

You are definitely one of person A and B. I don’t think C exists.

MintyFreshBreath · 03/03/2022 08:33

And for what it’s worth, the chatty one is in the wrong. I hate people who won’t give over when I just want some peace and quiet.

diddl · 03/03/2022 08:46

"No, I agree. As I said, Person B was also unreasonable and should learn to respect other people's wishes."

But they didn't which is why A moved.

"If Person A is struggling, then that makes their reaction more understandable. My understanding from the OP was that they just wanted to sit and daydream, but I accept that there might be more to it than that."

So what if A just wanted to sit & daydream?

diddl · 03/03/2022 08:47

@MintyFreshBreath

You are definitely one of person A and B. I don’t think C exists.
Have you read all of Op's posts?
AlexaShutUp · 03/03/2022 08:53

@diddl

"No, I agree. As I said, Person B was also unreasonable and should learn to respect other people's wishes."

But they didn't which is why A moved.

"If Person A is struggling, then that makes their reaction more understandable. My understanding from the OP was that they just wanted to sit and daydream, but I accept that there might be more to it than that."

So what if A just wanted to sit & daydream?

Yes, I said that both were unreasonable.

If A just wanted to sit and daydream, A doesn't have to talk to anyone. But the OP is asking us for opinions, and I'm giving mine. Unless A herself is struggling and really needs the quiet time, I think the compassionate response would be to let B chat, because you don't know what is going on in her life that might make her crave that contact.

phoenixrosehere · 03/03/2022 08:56

Person A should use headphones or EarPods or close her eyes.

Yes, because that stops people who want to chat every time (trust me it doesn’t) and I highly doubt it would have worked on B due to her reputation of talking to people on the bus.

Indeed not, but it's a sad state of affairs if we only focus on what we are responsible for and have no care for anything else. A little compassion would be nice.

Compassion goes both way. Forcing conversation onto a stranger is not compassionate, ignoring their desire to be alone is not compassionate. Considering that they may want to be left alone and waiting to see if someone else would like to chat who may be like you is compassionate.

My understanding from the OP was that they just wanted to sit and daydream, but I accept that there might be more to it than that.

So? What’s wrong with that? Are you really saying that someone has to have a “legitimate” reason to want to be left alone?

I think it a sad state of affairs that women are still expected to “be nice” to strangers and if they’re not they’re called “miserable bores, cu**s, lacking of compassion, etc. If person B was a bloke, OP would be told she did right, but if it was an elderly bloke and also shown another woman regardless of age, she would be called names.

Men are not expected to be nice to a chatty stranger. It wouldn’t matter regardless of gender who spoke to them because still in this day and age, their space is more important than a woman’s.

OP should have just said f**k off if she was going to be seen in the wrong regardless of how polite she was by some posters on here.

diddl · 03/03/2022 08:57

"I think the compassionate response would be to let B chat, because you don't know what is going on in her life that might make her crave that contact."

Maybe she just likes to chat & there isn't anything going on?

Livpool · 03/03/2022 09:00

I'm more of a 'B' person but would plonk myself down to speak to someone I barely knew.
And I can take the hint if someone doesn't want to chat.

But A was weird for getting up and moving. Just say you don't want to talk surely?! If B didn't shut up then move and say why?!

Dino77 · 03/03/2022 09:01

Take a book. Even if you only pretend to read while you daydream.

MoonOnASpoon · 03/03/2022 09:06

You don’t know what’s going on in A’s life either, that makes her crave peace and quiet.

The thing is, B can find another B, somewhere, sooner or later. But Bs should realise that some people crave being left alone, just as they crave interaction.

When life hands me a B, I do exchange a few pleasantries and try to be kind and polite. That is me compromising. Then when I say I need to read, not to chat, etc, that should be respected.

AlexaShutUp · 03/03/2022 09:13

You don’t know what’s going on in A’s life either, that makes her crave peace and quiet.

No, and I have already acknowledged this.

JustLyra · 03/03/2022 09:50

@lljkk

If sex difference matters then "what if B was a man" is very bad rhetorically. Irrelevant, actually.
It’s really not. It’s all part of the wider picture of women being expected to sit in silence and accept it even when they’re uncomfortable or in company they don’t want.
CaptaNoctem · 03/03/2022 10:52

Unless A herself is struggling and really needs the quiet time, I think the compassionate response would be to let B chat, because you don't know what is going on in her life that might make her crave that contact.

So only A is required to be compassionate then. Got you!

I'd have moved too OP and there'd have been nothing furtive and apologetic about it.

WisherWood · 03/03/2022 11:20

Take a book. Even if you only pretend to read while you daydream.

I wonder if some of the people on this thread have actually encountered any of the Bs of this world. Honestly, you'd have to smack them round the head with the book and even then they'd persist with the idea that you're in a desperately lonely state and want rescuing with a little bit of chatter. Some people need talk so much themselves that they really cannot grasp that other people do not want it and actually find it intrusive and exhausting at times. Plus, some people like their own company so it's not just that chatter is exhausting, but that quiet is enjoyable. But person B can never really grasp this, because it's so far from how they feel.

GoldenBlue · 03/03/2022 11:41

I'm definitely with A on this one and really happy that they moved. I wouldn't have felt able to but would have hated to be talked at by B.

The B's of this world that think A's owe it to them to chat and listen as bad as the men that don't take hints either. 'Be kind' has got to stop. We should feel able to move away if uncomfortable and screw whether that hurts someone else's feelings I'm afraid.

B was rude not to take the hint, and if there were any separate seats available was rude to sit next to someone in the first place.

A is my hero for actually upholding a boundary and moving for their own comfort

AmoozedBooze · 03/03/2022 11:44

Unless A herself is struggling and really needs the quiet time

A is only allowed quiet time if she is struggling??? Shock

mrstea301 · 03/03/2022 11:46

Haven't read the full thread yet, but sometimes people need the time to decompress! I would absolutely be person A, although I think I'd feel too rude to actually move.

I shied to work at a place that had a bit of a commute, and I loved that it was an unspoken thing, even if a few of the people I ate lunch with ended up on the same bus or whatever, we just didn't talk. It was great, and we all liked it!! Specially first thing in the morning!

AmoozedBooze · 03/03/2022 11:54

B comes across as rude and entitled. If she does have problems in her life there are other support avenues she can turn to....not rely on strangers in a bus who are trying to get on with their day and may or may not have their own things they are dealing with.

Years ago I was leaving work and got into the lift. There were already a couple people in who were laughing and joking with each other. One them said to me cheer up no one died. I had just received news that a close family member had died.

Compassion and respect works both ways. B should not force people to chat to her.

Pixiedust1234 · 03/03/2022 13:37

Oh dear op, what have you started?? Why couldn't you just have #bekind and thrown all your boundaries and self respect out of the window. You are a woman, you should know better than this. What an absolute meanie you are!!

All the people who are saying that op should have been nice to Michelle, please turn it around and ask why Michelle couldn't have been nice to op (and left her the fuck alone). #bekind goes both ways.

Tessabelle74 · 03/03/2022 17:36

I detest making small ralk with people I unavoidably HAVE to, I hate it even more when I'm trying to rmenjoy some peace! YANBU, person B should wear a badge advertising they want to chat and ask for volunteers!

Pinklemonade1 · 03/03/2022 17:40

Are you person A?
I used to be much more chatty on public transport but I really can't be bothered now and would far rather stare out of the window.
Not unreasonable at all.

csigeek · 03/03/2022 17:42

It seems to be a common perception that introverts are the problem and need to come out of their shell to stop extroverts feeling uncomfortable that others can be quiet and shy.
No.
Extroverts need to learn to shut the fuck up.

i33i3 · 03/03/2022 17:43

i agrée !

Integrity7 · 03/03/2022 17:43

How does person B know that person A is not experiencing something awful / does not have a really busy job and four screaming kids and a selfish partner at home? Person B should take the hint if it is just chit chat.

Chuck2015 · 03/03/2022 17:49

I hear what a lot of you are saying re personal
space etc, but I know what it’s like to be lonely and I’d probably let person B chat a lot of shit as that might be the highlight of their day…

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