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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who’s in the wrong? Unsociable or sociable?

541 replies

ShittyFingers · 02/03/2022 08:26

Person A is pretty unsociable. She gets on the bus and looks forward to time alone to sit and think/daydream during her 1 hour journey.

Person B is sociable and looks forward the her 1 hour journey to chat.

Bus has lots of empty seats. Person B decides to sit next to Person A and try to strike up conversation. Person A is polite but makes it obvious she doesn’t want to talk. Person B is a little offended and thinks Person A is a miserable sod. After a few more attempts to make light conversation, person A moves seats. Person B now very upset and this plays on her mind all day.

Let’s say Covid isn’t a thing.

Who is unreasonable?

YABU - person A could have made more effort, it wouldn’t have killed her to chat

YANBU - person Bs wish to socialise doesn’t trump person A’s wish to not socialise

OP posts:
ClariceQuiff · 02/03/2022 12:06

Ooh, difficult. I am very much Person A. What I wouldn't want to happen would be an expectation that I had to chat to Person B every time I made this journey. If it was a one-off I would just play along to avoid an awkward situation. If it was a journey we both made regularly ... to be honest I'd probably get an earlier bus or something. The strain of having to make small-talk for that length of time every day would be too much for me.

Ponoka7 · 02/03/2022 12:06

I like chit chat and have missed the older people, who I find interesting, being out and about. However there's times when I've been babysitting and its been none stop noise, my adult children have been phoning me with their work issues etc I want to sit without communicating with anyone. There's usually other people who are happy to chat, so no harm done. I don't think that it is being unsociable.

LookItsMeAgain · 02/03/2022 12:06

@ShittyFingers

I’m person A. I mentioned the encounter to someone else who often gets the same bus and she said something along the lines of “Oh do you mean Michelle? Bless her she talks to everyone! She’ll have been thinking about it all day after that”.

I ended up feeling guilty!!

In fairness, "Michelle" should be the one feeling guilty. She shouldn't impose herself on to someone for an hour or more trying to hold a conversation with someone who just wanted a quiet time to unwind after a busy day at work or if it was the commute to work, to prepare for the day ahead. "Michelle" is clearly not good at taking the social cues here.

Please don't feel guilty.

BoredZelda · 02/03/2022 12:07

Person B shouldn’t be forcing conversation on people.
Person A shouldn’t be worrying about what person B thinks, especially based on hearsay from someone else.

FirewomanSam · 02/03/2022 12:08

YANBU at all but I’d have slightly more sympathy for Person B if she was a lonely old lady and the bus was the only time she got to talk to people. I’d probably make polite small talk for a bit and then say I had to watch a video or read something for work.

There’s a lady on my street who shouts out of her window when she sees me walk past and wants me to stop for a chat. I am sometimes really really not in the mood but I try to be nice because I know she’s lonely and her husband has dementia so she really wants people to talk to. I will admit to being really bloody annoyed by it sometimes though, as awful as that makes me sound!

Daenerys77 · 02/03/2022 12:09

This is one of the reasons why I will never go back to using public transport.

TheMarmaladeYears · 02/03/2022 12:10

Person B is my idea of a travelling nightmare. I'm sorry to say that if their 'rejection' played on their mind all day then it'd be more productive if something useful emerged from the pondering. Like an understanding that some people prefer to travel quietly without the need to make enforced conversation. I'm only sorry that Person A was put in the position of having to reject these conversational advances in the first place!

TabithaTiger · 02/03/2022 12:10

Person B is unreasonable. There's nothing wrong with trying to make conversation, but they need to learn to take a hint and back off if the other person isn't reciprocating.

ICouldBeAnyone · 02/03/2022 12:11

I think if someone is actively seeking people out to talk to on a bus they probably don't have many people to chat with in their life

The reason these people don’t have many people to chat to in real life is generally because they talk too much and people are fed up listening to them drone on about themselves, and they don’t take the hint, whilst never being interested in the other person.

I’m fed up of politely listening to conversations such as how their friend John’s Aunt (neither of whom I know) has had a fall so John is visiting 3 x a week so that means Jane, who I also don’t know, has had to cancel their meet up as their children -Janet & Jack who are 4 and 7 and are so cute- have swimming on the day they were going to meet for coffee so that’s why I said I’d pop to town…. Blah, blah, blah, Me..Me…Me.

ladygindiva · 02/03/2022 12:17

Person B sounds like an arse. Disclaimer - I'm a raging introvert.

Fudgein · 02/03/2022 12:18

@arethereanyleftatall well to answer the question - nobody HAS to be tolerant or nice to anyone but it is better to try and be tolerant than not. This goes both ways, of course if someone is unable to tolerate conversation on their journey the other person should leave them alone. I would guess from the responses on here the majority of people make it clear they aren't interested in talking and would have no problem saying so. The chatty person should ay that point of course leave them alone. I think a chatty person is usually coming from a place of being nice though, I certainly don't think any sane person would go out of their way to keep talking at someone to purposely annoy them. A bit more understanding on both sides would probably help.

Iamnotamermaid · 02/03/2022 12:22

I have found that chatty people often just want someone to listen to them, rather than actually have a two way conversation. Early morning monologues are not everyone's idea of a pleasant experience.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 02/03/2022 12:32

@Movingonup22

Person B is an annoying pain the neck who should leave other people well alone
This.
buddylicious · 02/03/2022 12:40

Going off topic slightly, but a work colleague spoke to me about doing a car share with them for the commute to and from work.

I don't care how much money it will save me in petrol and parking, I don't want to have to share and make conversation in the morning!

babyjellyfish · 02/03/2022 12:42

Neither is unreasonable for having a preference, but Person B is being massively unreasonable for trying to force their company on someone who clearly wants to be left in peace.

Does Person A wear earphones?

babyjellyfish · 02/03/2022 12:43

[quote ShittyFingers]@AryaStarkWolf no I can’t know for sure that she was upset all day, this is just what person C said.[/quote]
Person C should mind their own business too.

EveningOverRooftops · 02/03/2022 12:44

It’s about boundaries.

Person A has set them.

Person B is pushing against them despite person A reinforcing them through not engaging/making clear they don’t want to engage iyswim.

ThinWomansBrain · 02/03/2022 12:46

Move to London - talking to strangers on busses not allowed Grin

EthelTheAardvark · 02/03/2022 12:47

@ShittyFingers

I’m person A. I mentioned the encounter to someone else who often gets the same bus and she said something along the lines of “Oh do you mean Michelle? Bless her she talks to everyone! She’ll have been thinking about it all day after that”.

I ended up feeling guilty!!

Don't feel guilty. Maybe she's learned a valuable lesson about personal space and empathy.
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/03/2022 12:50

A (you) are NBU
B is being unreasonable
C Person who knows Michelle is BU trying to make you feel guilty. She is enabling B, and trying to guilt you into doing the same. This is why B types continue with their Morning Monogues .

babyjellyfish · 02/03/2022 12:53

@PuppyMonkey

B will also still take you to hospital when your partner can’t or babysit when there’s an emergency

It’s just a random on the bus, I don’t think lifts to hospital enter into this relationship.Grin

(Plus if they’re always on a bus I suspect they don’t have a car Wink)

Lol, this is a very good point!
RampantIvy · 02/03/2022 12:55

Person B should have had the social awareness to stop pestering conversation when none was forthcoming.

Person A should have had the social awareness to not pointedly get up and move seats to make person B feel bad, but should have said to person B that they like to be quiet on the bus and use the time to reflect personal thoughts.

Some people try to talk to me. If pushed, I will tell them to fuck off

You can get people to leave you alone without being rude @MaryAndHerNet Hmm

I agree it is about boundaries, but person A could have made her boundaries perfectly clear without being rude. If person B ignores person A's request, then person A is entitled to be as rude as she likes.

As an aside I would hate to sit in a bus for an hour each way to and from work. I hate travelling by bus.

Sandinyourshoes · 02/03/2022 12:59

Headphones don’t always work . I’ve had someone ask to borrow mine so they could hear my music and that was a 4 hour bus journey.
I’ve also had someone ask me about the book I was reading on my half hour lunch break, it was before ebooks and Kindle, spent the whole time in conversation and barely managed to eat my lunch let alone read.

Pixiedust1234 · 02/03/2022 13:01

Person B can fuck right off. How dare they assume others have to give their time to them.

(Not read whole thread) but a lot of the time person a is female and person b is male (on buses) which makes it even worse as it can appear threatening if they won't leave person a alone.

Odile13 · 02/03/2022 13:01

Person B is being rude.

I used to have a long commute every day. I love reading and looked forward to quiet time by myself. A Person B started chatting to me almost every evening. Very quickly I changed where I boarded the train to avoid Person B.