'do you need to speak to your husband?'

[Madmaxxy]

'I don't have one and I'm the one spending the money' was my answer (best part of £1000 for home improvement)

Honestly in 2022?! AIBU?

What really annoys me are people who address letters to 'Mr and Mrs husbands initial and surname'. Like I just don't exist other than to be the wife of the important man. MIL does it, probably to annoy me

I once had a salesman say "can I speak to your husband?". The look on his face as I replied "ok and when you do could you also mention that he owes me a shit load of maintenance back pay as well thanks", was a sight to behold.

@Luredbyapomegranate

I wouldn’t use them. And I’d write and say why. And leave a review.

^ This with bells on

A couple of years ago we had our house up for sale. The Estate Agent happily took instructions from DH , put it on Right Move, sent viewers round etc without any contact from me (and without any signed contract). They were generally pretty useless so after absolutely no viewings or contact from them in months I went in to tell them that we were moving to another agent and ask them to take down their marketing etc. I was told that this could not possibly be done without speaking to DH and that they needed to make sure he 'knew the consequences' of doing this. I refused and pointed out to them that actually the house was in my name only (I bought it before we met). They accused me of lying.

@DameEdnasNeighbourhoodWatch

But OP is not "in a marriage". Many people are not. The assumption that every woman must have a husband is just as bad as the sexism itself.

Before we got married and were planning on moving in together, we chatted to the bank manager about mortgages and repayments etc. His exact words to me were “well, you are irrelevant, you’ll be popping out babies soon”. We no longer bank with them (think large bank, big government bail out, Fred the Shred) and I will never bank with them again.

@thecatsthecats
^I just saw someone on another thread advocate saying "I need to talk to my husband about this first" about a purchase.
I think that we need to switch it up to "I need some time to think about it".^

Absolutely agree. Otherwise it just feeds the theory that we can't decide without male input. Regardless of whether we're seeking a second opinion from someone who is half buying the boiler or whatever, some people really do believe we can't make the decision and/or shouldn't be enabled to.

I understand the annoyance if it was said in a sexist way. However, they probably would have asked a man if he wanted to check with his wife. Odd that they would assume you would have a husband if you had not mentioned one.

I have 2 recent examples of this!

Took my car to the garage for a new tyre fitting - I've been going there for years, they know its my car. But my partner was with me this time so obviously they addressed him, asking which tyre he wanted fitting...

Secondly, we are renting a new house shortly. They require bank statements as opposed to a credit check. Agent: "you can just send me your husbands bank statements". Me: "he's not my husband and I'll send you mine as I'm the main earner!"

The quoted part of my message above hasn't shown as italics. I'll have to quickly get married so I can ask my husband to explain why this is. You know, instead of working it out myself (eyeroll).

Did ask for recommendations online for a local PC repair shop recently. Had lots of men offering to talk me through steps. Was very glad to explain what I'd already done and that I was actually after somewhere I could get an actual battery (being out in a village at the time).

I hired a transit van a couple of years ago, when I went to collect it the salesman said that it might be a good idea to put my husband on the insurance as 'they're quite difficult to park love'. My reply 'sweetheart I drive a big yellow and green truck with blue lights on top for a living, i think I can manage'. He did have the grace to blush.

After test driving a car I pulled up at the dealership and asked if the salesman wanted me to reverse into the space. He agreed that he did "If you can manage"!

My OH gets this when making any big house purchase. Don't think it's a big deal or that presumptuous if wearing a wedding ring & spending 1000s on something?

When we were looking for builders I had three different company's come in. The first guys came to have a look and talk through what we wanted. My husband was working from home and the guy kept asking what my husband thought and would he be joining us etc..
Second guy was a friend of my brother in laws. Came to the house with my brother in law and spoke only to him. The only question I got was when is your husband home. This guy also told me half the work I wanted doing was unnecessary and he wouldn't do it like this if it was his house.
The third company who we chose didn't even know I had a husband until they happened to pop in to measure up for some materials and he was working from home. The carpenter and electrician they brought also never once asked for my husband. They did a fantastic job too!
My husband is the most un practical person. Its always me that sorts the cars and maintenance etc. Just not his thing.

I don't blame you for not going with the company OP, after that - ridiculous. I had something similar in Hong Kong a few years ago. I moved there by myself as an expat. I went to open an account and the woman and sat down with the form and said "So, what's your husband's name?" and I was like "I don't have one". Totally shocked her.

Not at all!

I had similar a few years back when buying a car. It was made clear at the garage, from the beginning that the car would be for me. I would be driving it every day with DH driving it very occasionally.

The salesman suggested my DH take it for the test drive rather than me

We didn't buy it.

Sorry, not read the whole thread but am guessing Safestyle are mentioned in at least a few posts?!
I now tend to deal with these sort of people by saying "yes of course. Do you have a direct line to heaven?"

I work as a Director in a male dominated industry. Fairly recently I had a first meeting with a potential Client (£1m contract) and as he walked through the door he asked whose wife I was. No "hello, nice to meet you".

Needless to say I turned the work down..

The only reason I can think of using this (in reverse) is to say "I need to speak to my partner about this" to get the salesdrone out of my house/off my doorstep/off the phone.

I don't find it condescending or rude.

If I was spending £1000+ on the home damn right I would talk to my DH about it, common curtousy.

So you are not married, maybe misguided they said husband rather than a partner (boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/homesharer etc...).

Most homeowners these days cant afford to live alone so almost every modern home owner I know is in a relationship and would make these decisions with their spouse so it's not a batshit assumption that more than one person maybe involved in the process.

I almost exclusively deal with women, now. If I’m looking for anything - estate agent, financial advisor, solicitor - I’ll find a female. It’s so much easier not having that ridiculous willy-waving in the way. Not that all men do it, and I’m sure competence in women varies, but women in general are more interested in finding a solution that works for everyone than ‘winning’ or getting one over on someone. It’s working well out for me.

[quote JonSnowIsALoser]@DameEdnasNeighbourhoodWatch

But OP is not "in a marriage". Many people are not. The assumption that every woman must have a husband is just as bad as the sexism itself.[/quote]

What about the assumption that every man has a wife? If you're of a certain age people assume you have a wife and maybe kids because most people do.

It's not some grave offence, really. Unless of course you feel inferior for not having one, in which case that's a personal insecurity.

You shouldn't feel ashamed or offended, just say 'no'. Of course a man would also be asked if making a big purchase, no big deal.

It's so frustrating. My husband and I have an open understanding that as long as we have the funds, we can spend how we want without clearing it. Big purchases we'll make the other aware of, but no to ask for permission. Just a simple text saying 'buying this at xxx amount, so don't panic when you see the bank statement'. I would never text him to clear a purchase beforehand.

A window company said they wouldn’t come out and quote unless my husband was home 🤣🤣 told them to shove it up their arse. I’m not a 1930’s house wife 🤣

@mam0918

I don't find it condescending or rude.

If I was spending £1000+ on the home damn right I would talk to my DH about it, common curtousy.

So you are not married, maybe misguided they said husband rather than a partner (boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/homesharer etc...).

Most homeowners these days cant afford to live alone so almost every modern home owner I know is in a relationship and would make these decisions with their spouse so it's not a batshit assumption that more than one person maybe involved in the process.

Hmm, don't thonk there are SO few people who are homeowners who are not in a relationship! Without even thinking I can cite me, my sister, 2 of my nephews and 2 of my best friends who all are sole owners without a live in partner.

But I think the main issue people on this thread are having is when told specifically by both partners that it is the woman who is making the purchase, will be paying for it, and be the sole owner/user, salesmen STILL address the male partner.

I've had it with cars, took my best friend along because he knows a little more than me about the subject, everything was addressed to him despite us both saying my car, my money, and that he wasn't even my partner.

I am getting decorating quotes at the moment. Been to 5 people and not gone with three of them as all tried to talk to partner about the quote, despite the fact I called and arrange them to come see. Partner happened to be here and all of them introduced themselves to him, asked him about price, I showed them round, told them what we wanted and then stood in the kitchen whilst they spoke to him! He is funny as he was like I don’t give a toss she’s paying for it 😂🤣😂🤣