Page 8 | 'do you need to speak to your husband?'

Madmaxxy · 2022-03-01T21:22:18+00:00

'I don't have one and I'm the one spending the money' was my answer (best part of £1000 for home improvement) Honestly in 2022?! AIBU?

TheNoodlesIncident · 02/03/2022 10:53

For example this post:
Had the opposite when we got married. Forgot all about flowers for the church but luckily we lived above a florist (landlord) so sent DH down to pick 'any fucking thing I don't give a shit'. Florist sent him back 3 times to tell me he couldn't possibly let him make a decision about it 🙄

I wonder how many horrible bridezillas the woman has dealt with who would leave nasty reviews for the smallest thing gone wrong.
Maybe she just wanted to get things right.

I notice that you just assume that the florist was a woman, even though the poster says "he couldn't let him make a decision about it". Men can also be florists...

It seems rare to get door-to-door salespeople these days but I've never had any difficulty saying to any "I'm not interested thanks" and closing the door. Why is it so hard? Why the need to refer to a husband? It doesn't make sense!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/03/2022 11:07

I think some sales people are generally pretty crap. Can't read you or your body language. Can't read the dynamic between the couple ie who is buying, who has the money and who is the decision maker

I agree that many of them must be very stupid. They probably go on all kinds of courses designed to help them be more successful in sales, but then more than negate it by effectively turning away willing customers by expressing their archaic sexist views.

Even if they're surprised that a woman is wanting to buy something that they normally only sell to men, wouldn't they just figure that her money is as good as anybody else's and keep their surprise to themselves?

It's probably also a self-fulfilling prophecy for some of them. Because their appalling attitude causes women not to want to give them their business - and certainly not to come back again - they interpret it as women wasting their time or not being serious/competent/knowledgeable to make the purchasing decision and never stop to consider that it may be their own odious attitude actively driving them away.

Riseholme · 02/03/2022 11:41

We let a house.
Every communication between one particular staff member at the agents is addressed to my dh, even if I've written and signed the email just from me.
My dh always signs his emails from us both.
The other staff member always writes Hi both.
It's 2 women so no idea why.

I went to buy a car from a Ford garage 20 years ago and was told by the salesman to come back with my dh.
Didn't go back.

Jaxhog · 02/03/2022 12:17

Argh! This drives me crazy. I bought a new car a few years ago, when I went to collect it (with DH), the salesman went to present us with a huge bouquet of flowers. Realizing that was ME buying the car, he didn't know whether to give the flowers to me or DH!!

Jaxhog · 02/03/2022 12:19

Also, when I go to IT events, I'm often the only female there and get generally get asked for the refreshments! I obviously look like a servant, because I'm female!

DetailMouse · 02/03/2022 12:22

I'm a widow, still using Mrs and still wearing a wedding band, still living in the large family home.

When I first started doing things on my own, buying a car, having home improvements, I was all geared up to have to deal with this, but honestly not a single person has ever said it to me.

SVRT19674 · 02/03/2022 12:57

Where I used to work some years ago the ambulance crew would go out to an emergency female doctor, female nurse, male driver. People would address questions to him, he thought it was hilarious. How the hell should I know about ruptured spleens! I´m the driver.
A pilot friend used to get this from passengers who were horrified they had a female pilot. He (the copilot) would go out to have a word with the nervous passenger prior to take off, I am so nervous they would say, i don´t like the idea of and nod towards the cockpit were the female was... he would answer : how do you think I feel? and pretend to shiver.
I had this from a car salesman, he spoke to my husband, ignoring me until I set him straight. My husband couldn´t give a damn about cars, knows zero about them, I taught him to check oil and antifreeze and where the windscreen wiper liquid went!

Nomoreusernames1244 · 02/03/2022 13:10

*m a widow, still using Mrs and still wearing a wedding band, still living in the large family home.

When I first started doing things on my own, buying a car, having home improvements, I was all geared up to have to deal with this, but honestly not a single person has ever said it to me*

So are you saying because it hasn’t happened to you it doesn’t happen?

Everyone here is exaggerating, lying or easily offended?

DetailMouse · 02/03/2022 13:12

@Nomoreusernames1244

*m a widow, still using Mrs and still wearing a wedding band, still living in the large family home.

When I first started doing things on my own, buying a car, having home improvements, I was all geared up to have to deal with this, but honestly not a single person has ever said it to me*

So are you saying because it hasn’t happened to you it doesn’t happen?

Everyone here is exaggerating, lying or easily offended?

No that's not what I said. I said I've been pleasantly surprised

Nomoreusernames1244 · 02/03/2022 13:19

No that's not what I said. I said I've been pleasantly surprised confused

i’ve reread your post and can’t see the bit about being pleasantly suprised at all . Just it hasn’t happened..

DetailMouse · 02/03/2022 13:21

@Nomoreusernames1244

No that's not what I said. I said I've been pleasantly surprised confused

i’ve reread your post and can’t see the bit about being pleasantly suprised at all . Just it hasn’t happened..

I think you want to see something that isn't there. I said I was "all geared up" for it. I.e. pleasantly surprised when it didn't happen.

Moversnotshakers · 02/03/2022 13:25

We had a kitchen company calling to book a quote they , said is the man of the house available on that date because we will be talking about financial stuff too not just pretty kitchen's!! I was enquiring, and paying for it. Swftly told them to bugger off and reason why!!

Celoo · 02/03/2022 13:31

This sort of thing makes me want to puke. MIL recently got asked a sales call for loft insulation or something and when she started to explain why she didn't want it (because she was being pestered) the female (yes, another woman) asked if she could "speak to the man of the household as they tend to know a bit more about this stuff".

jgjgjgjgjg · 02/03/2022 13:34

We went to test drive a new car. It will be a shared car but I do 95% of the driving. Salesman was dumbstruck when I said I'd be diving first during the test. Even more dumbstruck when I told him that I could manage to drive without him sitting next to me the whole way.

BuddhaForMary · 02/03/2022 13:47

We had a glazing company knock at the door last week and I told them I wasn't interested to which he said 'perhaps the bill payer would like to read more on it.' And tries to hand me a leaflet. I just said 'the bill payer has just told you she's not interested', and closed the door.

In 2022. How is this even still a thing.

Thisisit2022 · 02/03/2022 16:39

@DetailMouse

I'm a widow, still using Mrs and still wearing a wedding band, still living in the large family home.

When I first started doing things on my own, buying a car, having home improvements, I was all geared up to have to deal with this, but honestly not a single person has ever said it to me.

As I've said upthread, it's honestly never happened to me either and I wear a band and an engagement ring on my "wedding finger". However, I've never dealt with double glazing which seems to be the most common problem.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/03/2022 17:31

I won't deal with companies who demand to deal with DH. DH won't deal with companies who persist on wanting to deal with him.

Its not just because I know most about the subject - sometimes I do, sometimes not - its because I'm a much harder negotiator and hold people to contract.

A sibling who runs a specialist building contractors tells me this is normal where its a domestic piece - the women drive a harder deal and check everything before signing off, the men are often a bit to inclined to want to make friends with the team on site and reluctant to challenge.

thecatsthecats · 02/03/2022 19:47

To be fair, I think salespeople are generally all of a certain type, and not all of them are smart enough to know that different people respond to different tactics.

For every sale someone wins by being chatty and pushy, they lose someone who might want to sleep on it and call back.

My personal bugbear is salespeople who call to "discuss the quote" - when I've asked them specific questions by email. The email that was right next to their phone number on the website. I didn't choose to call (at a time convenient to me). I chose to email so I can call the ones who pass the first test.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 02/03/2022 21:18

We decided we wanted new windows, so having recently been bombarded with advertising on TV from Safestyle UK, I called and asked if they could come and measure up and give me a price. The guy gives me the 'will your husband be there' routine. So I say , 'No, why?' 'Well we need both of you to be there'. 'No you don't'. 'But we have to have both your signatures'. 'No, you absolutely don't, because you won't be coming now!' I put the phone down. However, what I couldn't believe, was a few minutes later I had a call back from a woman who worked for them, and she started the same routine. In the end, I said you don't need my husband there, because it's my money, and my decision, and I've decided that I wouldn't touch your company with a barge pole!' I then hung up. Just simply couldn't believe that a woman in this day and age, would even think it was OK to endorse this type of chauvinistic attitude, and I was glad I cancelled them, as they were obviously one of those awful companies, who will stay all night trying to get you to sign, unless you physically throw them out, which HAS been known!

buddylicious · 02/03/2022 21:28

This is a little similar to another recent thread.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am iibeingunreasonable/4467399-to-ask-when-you-re-treated-differently

It's so awful that this sort of behaviour is clearly still fairly common!

violetbunny · 03/03/2022 07:20

I went shopping last weekend with DP for tiles for our home renovation.
The sales people had a tendency to talk straight past me and at DP, asking him all the questions.He said to me afterwards that it gave him "the fear" every time they asked a question, as I've been doing everything in relation to the renovation so far so he literally wouldn't have a clue! He just nodded along with them.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 03/03/2022 10:31

He said to me afterwards that it gave him "the fear" every time they asked a question, as I've been doing everything in relation to the renovation so far so he literally wouldn't have a clue! He just nodded along with them

Why did he just nod along? Why didn’t he say something? Point out to the ignorant salesman that they’re ignoring the person they need to speak to? So many men on this threads staying quiet while their wives are ignored or diminished.

Dh is the artist in our family and every time someone tries to check with me about decor he chooses I tell them straight I’m the practical one, and wouldn’t know complementing colours if I saw them. Dh does the same, and will say she’s the one with the phd/money/knowledge in this area so its her you need to be speaking to, not me.

Call it out, every time.

dementedmummy · 03/03/2022 17:41

This is sales training BS. Its to move you towards closing the deal. They want to make sure they have the decision maker in front of them so they dont waste time. It is of course in this day and age totally misogynistic and to be honest, gets right on my goat because my decision to buy has nothing to do with anyone else. I do wonder if they ask men though if they need to speak to their wives.

leannetta · 03/03/2022 17:47

I have lived on my own (happily) for many years. And so obviously make all the decisions on car buying/home improvements etc. I can honestly say that I’ve never had anyone ask if I need to run it past my husband.

So I’ve either just been lucky, or give off an air of ‘it’s my decision’, or, the more likely option… people can just tell I’m unlikely to attract a partner 😳😩

zzzink · 03/03/2022 17:47

My favourite has been having my name removed from a home insurance policy which I took out in joint names. Now all the renewal letters get addressed to him and he doesnt even open them!