DS and GF making noise - WIBU? DS thinks so!!

[Lovedivine]

DS Lives at home and his GF stays here at least 3 times a week. Both are 21, him working, her a student. No doubt they would love a place of their own but costs are high and I believe they are saving (DS GF graduates soon).

I’m very liberal really, they come and go as they please, mostly stay in DS’s room (in bed) and usually are quiet and fine.
I’m a little 😕 at the amount of time they spend laying in bed (no help from them) but they’ll generally keep his room tidy. I will cook and they’ll come down and eat in the kitchen but are back upstairs as soon as they can.

The GF can sometimes stay 3 days and not make any moves to shower 🤮, she’s not much of a hand washer either as you hear the loo flush and she’s straight out with no tap running. I’ve overlooked lots as DS can be a moody bugger and there are greater battles to be had.

Last night however I was woken at 12.30am, slight bumping noise, the odd voice noise etc, this went on and on, nothing too loud but enough to stop me dropping back off. At 2 am I heard DS door open and being at the end of my tether I shot out of bed and stopped DS on the landing and actually shouted how I’d had enough, it was the start of the week - I’m up at 5.30 for work etc.
I said that if this was how it was to be then she won’t be welcome to stay when we have work the following day.

I could not go back to sleep so have now been awake since 12.30am
Apparently I’m unreasonable for making such a fuss during the night and GF left this morning and was upset by all accounts.
I’ve said frankly I don’t care and it’s my house and I expect quiet to sleep. DS argues his it’s home too (he pays £50 a month as he saves the rest). Was I unreasonable to shout at 2am and threaten to stop GF coming or should I have stayed quiet?

The quicker they save up and move out the better!!

Show him this thread and hopefully it'll wake him up and realise he's unreasonable!!

Your expectations of him aren't unreasonable. But your actions - bottling up all the niggling annoyance until you end up snapping and shouting aren't just unreasonable, they're abusive. It's a one off, so not terrible, but nevertheless, shouting at them is not an acceptable way to treat them. You haven't learnt to recognise that the behaviours are winding you up so you can deal with them and set your boundaries and expectations calmly. Instead you've let it all grow up inside you until you can't control yourself. This is an anger management issue.

If you want him to pull his weight around the house, tell him that, calmly. don't let it all build up then shout at him. If you want them to spend time downstairs socialising, tell them, calmly, don't let it all build up and then shout at them. If you need them to be quieter at night when having sex, tell them, discretely since they probably had no idea they'd woken you, don't shout at them in the middle of the night. If you want him to pay more (and he pays very little) then ask him to pay more, calmly. You don't get to shout at someone because you've asked for less compensation than you could.

There is nothing wrong with you thinking that he should behave differently in your home. But shouting at him in the middle of the night when you haven't sat down and discussed expectations, or how sound travels, or whether you want his girlfriend here 3 nights a week is really bad.

I think it was an arse thing to do. The fact that they pay £50 is irrelevant, that's what you've asked them for. They were hardly swinging from the lights you said you could hear some light bangs and quite talking, I'd imagine they thought you were asleep, to kick off was totally unnecessary. Yes you needed sleep , if you'd already been down and said "sorry I'm up at x can you keep the noise down" then fair enough but you hadn't. If you aren't happy with them living at home ask them to leave, that's fine. If you let them stay then you have to expect that you will hear some noise and quite talking when you are trying to get to sleep especially if you are getting up extra early so going to bed early.

I can't get past the no showering or handwashing
Especially as they are evidently..active 😟
Does your son have similar hygiene standards whilst she's there?

I'd apologise for the way I spoke but not for what I said. Your house I presume costs way more than 2x£50 a week to run and you need to be able to work.
I'd be very noisy every morning.
I'd stop cooking (and buying) for them. They could cook for you...(after washing hands!!)

£50 a month? I paid more to my parents back in 1990 and I was a student working part time.
He needs to move out. He’ll get a shock at his bills.

£50 a month for him and half a month for her? You need to up that rent. Thirty years ago, when I earned about £8k or £9k a year, I was paying £40 A WEEK to live at home.

Ah OP you might be charging him a pittance so he can save but you’ll never be rid of him! Why would he want to ever move out? He can see his gf whenever he wants (actually more like live with her over the weekend) and shag at all hours, get his meals cooked, laundry washed, doss about, bills payed and pay a tiny £50 per month. What incentive does he have to move out?
Oh and the hygiene (or lack of) sounds rank. Put your foot down OP! You work hard, you’re up at 5.30am in the mornings, you deserve better!

OP they are taking the piss MASSIVELY! I’m 37 and paid £50 PER WEEK when I was at my parents house 12 years ago! That came with a set of firm house rules, my Ddad will absolutely not tolerate being woken or kept awake at all either at night or before he gets up in a morning. His house his rules, now I have my own kids turns out I’m the same 🤣 I totally get it now, kids are selfish it’s up to up to show them where the boundaries are.

50 a month isn’t rent, it’s not even food.

It’s your house, and yes having sex noisily is rude.

She sounds grim, so I’d let this one play out - hopefully he’ll go round to her parents or they’ll fade out. (perhaps leave articles about personal hygiene around in the meantime.). Oh - and stop cooking for them, they can buy and cook their own food.

.. you could also start referring to her as princess poo fingers. 👸💩🖕

10% voting YABU…
WTF?! Why?!

Probably for allowing her useless adult son to take the piss out of her

Mummy’s little Prince having his laundry done for him, free WiFi, free electric, free heat, free water, free cosmetics, free food, free utensils, stinking lover spreading filth round her house=all fine! 😂

@LuckySantangelo35

10% voting YABU… WTF?! Why?!

Because the first time she mentions any problems to him she shouts at him.

Losing your temper instead of communicating your needs calmly is unreasonable, especially in the first instance.

Charging a nominal amount a month, not setting any rules or expectations and then shouting at him for not knowing you weren’t happy with things is unreasonable.

Making shouting your first response to light bangs and quiet talking that’s keeping you awake is unreasonable.

@Lovedivine

Thanks all, my thinking is that I understand how hard it is for youngsters now and they don’t piss their money away. I’d like to think that the reduced rent is helping them to get their own place quicker. GF is a lovely wee thing (like you say tho, hygiene a little questionable but DS is also a bit of a shower avoider - once every other day). He airs his room and due to us doing the laundry he’s always in clean clothes.

The fact I made her embarrassed and upset though has played on me today but I’m so bloody tired! I’ve swung between feeling outraged and sorry I made her feel unwelcome 🥴

Showering every other day is NOT being a 'shower avoider!' Ffs! 😂😂😂 That's a bit of a leap.

As I see it they probably didn't realize you were being kept up. So maybe you could say you could have been less angry in the moment.

At the same time, it's a very human response and not that over the top. And their response probably should have been to apologize.

The bigger issue isn't that, or the money, it's that they are treating you like a maid and doing fuck-all. The fact that they lie in bed all day is weird and kind of unpleasant. They should have chores, help cook, and they should have the courtesy to actually interact.

@Lovedivine I think you've enabled this behaviour and are clearly very kind & very reasonable. Definitely time for them to move out and your son should start contributing properly - both an increase in rent, as well as food, cleaning up & his own laundry.

I think a rule she can't stay Sunday through Thursday is reasonable. She's living rent free in your home!

They treat you like you are the maid. And like they are in a hotel. Stop cooking for them. Raise the rent. Make them help you around the house.

There are lots of single students out there who go to uni/college,have part time jobs and live separately from their parents.

If your son can't afford to live alone whilst working full time at 21 then when can he afford it?

I think it's high time your son grows up and moves out.

So wait, let me get this straight. Your 21 year old son is paying you some money (it sounds like you never had a discussion of what amount you'd like to receive, so he came up with an amount he found reasonable, is that right?) And then you never, in all 21 years of his life set any expectations along the lines of "you're welcome for dinner, now here's the washing up," or "Well now that you're becoming a grown man, here's were the soap goes, that's the bleach section, and remember, darks cold, whites hot!" but instead just did everything for him, stewing the whole while about what an ungrateful little monster you've raised and the problem is... your son and his gf? And not you for never telling him what you need in return? I mean, if you've had those conversations then certainly we're in a different situation, but everything you've described sounds like two young adults walking on eggshells because they can tell you're upset with them, but because you're not using your grown up words, they don't know quite why and are afraid to ask, and all the while you're just stewing and stewing and stewing away. Turn the stove down, now that you've let off some steam online, and have a nice chat with him about what you'd like to see. If you've done a good job raising him (and you have, right? Taught him proper manners and all that?) then I'm sure he'll take what you said to heart, and with patience and occasional reminders (no one changes overnight) I'm sure you can change this from a falling out situation into one you can laugh about in a decade or two.

It's not his home it's your home. He needs to respect that..50 quid a month...can I have his room when he moves on?

I feel your pain. I have been known to similarly fly off the handle with my teenagers when they get up in the middle of the night for drinks/loo/chatting to each other.

I think some of the responses are a little off. Yes, there will be mumsnetters who back in the day had 3 kids, a mortgage and ran a top FT 500 company at the age of 21 but it is different now, like or or not. Neither of these young people are layabouts; the son is working and the GF a student.

The £50 thing. If you don't need the money then I'd probably leave it as it is. I personally wouldn't cook for them though.

I would speak to them both and lay down the line, that you don't want to embarrass them but you need your sleep due to work etc and it is inconsiderate of them to be noisy and walking around the house in the early hours. If they want to stay living with you, then they need to respect that.

Why is everyone assuming they were shagging? the OP never said that, did she?

They can rent a room in a shared flat, I hope they don't think that their only option is to save up a deposit to buy!

If they were sharing a flat, they would have learnt by now how to behave like reasonable people. But because it's your DS family home, they appear to believe its OK to act like over excited six year olds.

I don't know what I would do in your shoes other than have a Frank conversation. If you were flatmates, your DS would have to pay more to cover bills and food, clean his own clothes and room and keep communal areas tidy. And respect his house mates. Not unrealistic to expect the same attitude right now tbh.