DS and GF making noise - WIBU? DS thinks so!!

[Lovedivine]

DS Lives at home and his GF stays here at least 3 times a week. Both are 21, him working, her a student. No doubt they would love a place of their own but costs are high and I believe they are saving (DS GF graduates soon).

I’m very liberal really, they come and go as they please, mostly stay in DS’s room (in bed) and usually are quiet and fine.
I’m a little 😕 at the amount of time they spend laying in bed (no help from them) but they’ll generally keep his room tidy. I will cook and they’ll come down and eat in the kitchen but are back upstairs as soon as they can.

The GF can sometimes stay 3 days and not make any moves to shower 🤮, she’s not much of a hand washer either as you hear the loo flush and she’s straight out with no tap running. I’ve overlooked lots as DS can be a moody bugger and there are greater battles to be had.

Last night however I was woken at 12.30am, slight bumping noise, the odd voice noise etc, this went on and on, nothing too loud but enough to stop me dropping back off. At 2 am I heard DS door open and being at the end of my tether I shot out of bed and stopped DS on the landing and actually shouted how I’d had enough, it was the start of the week - I’m up at 5.30 for work etc.
I said that if this was how it was to be then she won’t be welcome to stay when we have work the following day.

I could not go back to sleep so have now been awake since 12.30am
Apparently I’m unreasonable for making such a fuss during the night and GF left this morning and was upset by all accounts.
I’ve said frankly I don’t care and it’s my house and I expect quiet to sleep. DS argues his it’s home too (he pays £50 a month as he saves the rest). Was I unreasonable to shout at 2am and threaten to stop GF coming or should I have stayed quiet?

The quicker they save up and move out the better!!

@Nelliephant1

I can't believe the number of people charging their children "rent" for staying in their own family homes!!!

It's their home, why on earth would you charge your child to stay in homes that have been theirs from birth. When does a child turn into a tenant? I'd never dream of charging my children to live at home and before anyone says anything they save, buy shopping if they happen to be near a supermarket, do stuff in the house all without being asked, stick the dishwasher on, hoover or whatever. We're a team, if there's no milk, whoever notices it buys more as well as checking if we need anything else and getting that too.

It's completely and utterly wrong, grabby and downright greedy to charge your child "rent" Talk about here's your hat, what's your hurry!!!!!

but there are going to be extra utility expenses....who should cover those?

but there are going to be extra utility expenses.

Clearly not water and I'm guessing the house is heated and lit regardless of her presence

OP I think YANBU for feeling how you do regarding some behaviours. However 2am isn't really the time to raise it

@TravellingFrom

I disagree *@EmpressCixi*.

Anyone who makes enough noise to stop me from sleeping at 12.00M let alone 2.00am would be told to be quiet.
I don’t care if these were ‘quiet’ noises. They were loud enough to 1- wake her up and then 2- stop the OP from sleeping.

That’s not just a little bit of noise and the OP has been much more patient than I would have been.

Some people sleep very lightly though - and some walls are very thin.

I spent three years living in a halls of residence at around that age, it wouldn't have occured to me that being able to hear people's voices was at all unusual.

To be honest, it still wouldn't occur to me - I'd assume a grown adult was capable of either ignoring it, or finding some ear plugs. How does the OP cope when there are people talking outside the house?

It's time for the "Not treating this house like a hotel" talk Op. You need to go in hard and fast and let him know that the GF will now be limited to 2 overnight stays a week and only when you don't have work the next day. His rent will be increased to £100 pm as you do all housework, laundry and cooking, tell him if he isn't happy he is welcome to move out. Lastly tell him that while his GF is under your roof you expect her to wash her hands after using the loo, you have to share the house with them and you don't want her shitty germs spread all over YOUR house.

Take No Shit.

If it's "his home" in the way he said it then there are 3 if you living there and s/he can pay 2/3 of everything.

£50 is a joke.

@EmpressCixi

Whether he pays enough “rent” is irrelevant, that’s what the OP decided he should contribute anyway so I think it is unreasonable to then attach a no sex with your GF under my roof string to it after the fact.

Secondly, you’ve been shouting at 2am at your DS and the GF regarding what you said were fairly quiet noises. So it’s not like there was screaming and loud grunting. So I think that was OTT and BU. I’d have saved it until morning to have a word in private instead if shouting slut shaming stuff at 2am.

So, overall I think you were BU because you’ve over-reacted and if he’s not paying enough rent, or helping out enough that is a separate issue and your responsibility, you shouldn’t be letting that fester and then shouting at 21 yr olds for “crime” of actually having sex (gasp) in the middle of the night (the cheek).

woah, that's a bit of a reach, accusing OP of shouting "slut shaming stuff"! It's not even clear the noises were sexual! If they were just up and about before settling down to sleep for the night then that can be noisy.

I was paying £25 a month in 1976, enough for 'd'm to make a profit, out of net pay of £125 a month. A room in a shared house would've been cheaper.

£50 a month, gets fed, does fuck all around the house and has the audacity to have a go at you for being pissed off at being woken up at some ungodly hour with their shagging?

I’d be significantly raising his rent or giving him notice to move out. Or both. Cheeky twat. I was paying £150 a month at 16 years old 20 odd years ago. He’s got no idea how fortunate he is and needs a reality check.

You let GF stay in the house AND cook for them?

Well, the recipe was there.

He does work but starts late in a Monday so invariably Sunday night seems to get treated like a weekend night. He also has an early finish on a Friday. It’s very gradually got that GF is here a Thursday night (they treat this like a weekend too as DS has an early finish Friday), Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. They barely exit his room the whole time unless to come down for cups of tea, the odd light meal or trip to Tesco to stock up on snacks for the room.

I find it easier to do the washing, cooking etc (I don’t mind and he works later Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday so isn’t here for a long day those days.

On one hand they aren’t hurting anyone tucked away in his room but it’s starting to grate, especially the later nights when I’ve got work the following day. They’re up and down to the bathroom, tv noises, low droning voice from deep voiced DS etc. Last night was the straw that broke the camels back. Okay for them, they can sleep in until 11am, I’m up at 05.30.

£50 is indeed a joke.
Factor him in to cooking for the family nights: he buys the ingredients.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I think they need to be told, otherwise where does it end?! They'd be making loads of noise all through the night! It's unfair on you, as you have work. Perhaps suggest the girlfriend only stays, when you don't have work the next day?

And nothing I said was slut shaming, I just said that if this was how it’s going to be then she won’t be able to stay when we have work the following day.

Get the stinky girl with E. coli on her hands out of your house asap!

That's so unreasonable of her..I'd be fuming, too.

I think you have let your frustrations build up and that's why you shouted. It is your house and you are entitled to lay some ground rules.

I don't think the amount he pays is here or there. It depends on your circumstances and his. If you want him to save up a lot so he can get his own place, that is fine. But if you feel taken advantage of, that's different.

I think it is reasonable to expect not to be woken at night. That is not saying they can't have sex, but they can either keep the noise down or choose a different time for it. No you shouldn't have shouted. If it's a first, then I would have waited till the next day and explained the issue and asked them to be more respectful next time. Or if really irritated, knocked on their door sooner and asked them to keep the noise down.

Overall, once children become adults, I'm all for letting them live at home but not if the way they carry on is disruptive or uncomfortable for their parents.

Talk to him and agree the house rules.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be charging keep; I do. Ds eats bread and butter like it's going out of fashion. He uses the electricity. There is more laundry to do. We car share (my car) to work etc. I buy things for him that we wouldn't otherwise eat, so yes, as he earns the same as me, he should contribute.

YANBU OP!
Adults follow rules. If they don't want to they can pay their way. Surely she has her own accommodation as a student as well? If they want more freedom he can always go there.

£22 a week. In 1979.

Also not washing her hands is disgusting! No, it's not a 'small thig'.
Even my great-grandmother from a developing country, hole in the ground toilet knew the importance of washing hands when they managed to do so.

Also IME most people who live at home pay little keep but buy their own food, do their own cooking and chores.
£50 all inclusive is very very cheap. Where do I sign up?

Having said that nobody gets to lounge around in my family. Kids do chores, so no reason for them to stop as an adult. Lounging around not an issue

It is your house, so it's also your rules. If an adult son or daughter doesn't like your rules they can move out.

We're they having sec? If so I think quiet sex in the night is not unreasonable at 21. Though I'd tell them the pillow behind the headboard trick.

Being in bed a lot is normal when you don't have your own home as young people (it's essentially their living room).

However, her lack of hygiene would be an issue to me.

Some people sleep very lightly though - and some walls are very thin.

Well in that case, they need to learn to be quieter.
It’s not a student hall.
It’s a home with the ds’s parents living there, and the OP who needs to be getting up early to go to work. You know the person who is working to pay for the roof over their head so they can make savings.

Fir me, it’s an issue of respect.
You live in the house therefore you respect the sleep of other people in the house (and the efforts they put in, the place where you live etc….).

£50 a month barely covers a food shop. He needs humbled OP and immediately. Your house isn't a doss house. That is your home, she is a guest and should act like one!

@Lovedivine

And nothing I said was slut shaming, I just said that if this was how it’s going to be then she won’t be able to stay when we have work the following day.

If normal sex with “quiet noises” between adults at midnight bothers you, fine. But say something in the morning in private like an adult. Don’t go charging in at 2am shouting your head off and demanding that the woman must go.

I accept it bothered you, no argument there. My point is that you would have been reasonable in my opinion to have had a calm discussion the next morning, but you did not, and the act of shouting that she has to go is essentially overreacting and slut shaming your DS and GF both.