DS and GF making noise - WIBU? DS thinks so!!

[Lovedivine]

DS Lives at home and his GF stays here at least 3 times a week. Both are 21, him working, her a student. No doubt they would love a place of their own but costs are high and I believe they are saving (DS GF graduates soon).

I’m very liberal really, they come and go as they please, mostly stay in DS’s room (in bed) and usually are quiet and fine.
I’m a little 😕 at the amount of time they spend laying in bed (no help from them) but they’ll generally keep his room tidy. I will cook and they’ll come down and eat in the kitchen but are back upstairs as soon as they can.

The GF can sometimes stay 3 days and not make any moves to shower 🤮, she’s not much of a hand washer either as you hear the loo flush and she’s straight out with no tap running. I’ve overlooked lots as DS can be a moody bugger and there are greater battles to be had.

Last night however I was woken at 12.30am, slight bumping noise, the odd voice noise etc, this went on and on, nothing too loud but enough to stop me dropping back off. At 2 am I heard DS door open and being at the end of my tether I shot out of bed and stopped DS on the landing and actually shouted how I’d had enough, it was the start of the week - I’m up at 5.30 for work etc.
I said that if this was how it was to be then she won’t be welcome to stay when we have work the following day.

I could not go back to sleep so have now been awake since 12.30am
Apparently I’m unreasonable for making such a fuss during the night and GF left this morning and was upset by all accounts.
I’ve said frankly I don’t care and it’s my house and I expect quiet to sleep. DS argues his it’s home too (he pays £50 a month as he saves the rest). Was I unreasonable to shout at 2am and threaten to stop GF coming or should I have stayed quiet?

The quicker they save up and move out the better!!

Why does your Ds now go to her place of residence

*not

My 19 Yr old pays £250 a month, does the shopping, helps clean, cooks us dinner a fair amount and does his own washing.

You need to set some boundaries - I wouldn't have shouted though.

Sorry but yes you're being completely unreasonable. It's his home too.

Maybe you were in a lighter sleep than normal, it doesn't sound as though they were partying exactly!! It sounds like you opted to lie there and stew yourself into a mood, you probably scared the life out of the poor lad shooting out of your room like that and it was totally wrong to throw a hissy fit in the middle of the night.

You owe them both an apology.

Yanbu but it’s always better to have these discussions when calm.

@Lovedivine

Thanks all, my thinking is that I understand how hard it is for youngsters now and they don’t piss their money away. I’d like to think that the reduced rent is helping them to get their own place quicker. GF is a lovely wee thing (like you say tho, hygiene a little questionable but DS is also a bit of a shower avoider - once every other day). He airs his room and due to us doing the laundry he’s always in clean clothes.

The fact I made her embarrassed and upset though has played on me today but I’m so bloody tired! I’ve swung between feeling outraged and sorry I made her feel unwelcome 🥴

Don't worry about it.

They are very inconsiderate and rude

It sounds like they're taking the piss, I think you should have a calm discussion with your son about being respectful and considerate of others.

I get up at 4am for work. I went apeshit at my son and his girlfriend crashing around after 10pm when I was trying to sleep. They haven’t done it again since 😊

At around 20 I stayed with a bf at his parent's while we saved for a deposit. We spent a lot of time in his room - at the time I felt like I was being unobtrusive and not getting in the way by doing this. We also didn't do any housework, although we did cook for ourselves and (mostly) cleaned up. I'm not sure what he gave them as rent.

I was pretty shy and not very confident and I felt like they didn't really want us there (they probably didn't!) I also had no real clue about what I should be doing in regard to housework. Perhaps I will get slated for that, some posters having held down jobs and studied and had a family by that age, but genuinely I was just very naive about it all.

Now I realise that I probably seemed ungrateful, unsociable and lazy and I would really love to have the opportunity to apologise to his parents and say that I get it now!

OP - I would suggest deciding what you're comfortable with in regards to house rules and rent then sit down and speak to them about this . Apologise to the gf, you will feel better and hopefully it will open the lines of communication between you both. I don't think you were being unreasonable with the shouting - I'm terrible through the night if I get woken up and I'm sure they will understand you were pushed to it!

Oh and I did say that if they didn’t want to be quiet they could always find somewhere else to live. They decided to be quiet.

Tbh I’m vile when I’m sleep deprived.

Draw a line in the sand now - if you're prepared to carry on accepting the same amount, they need to step it up in terms of contributing in other ways - cleaning, cooking and washing up and washing of clothes. As well, of course, as having consideration for the other people who live in the house.
If, however, they are expecting you to be cook, cleaner and bottle-washer, say that you want £50 a week from DS (I imagine that barely covers his food), plus more if GF is staying over (or the equivalent of her meals in groceries).
It's one thing to help your DC out a bit financially, but you are currently being used as a doormat. DS might not like it, but he needs to toe the line if he is to carry on living with you.
If they're planning on living independently (whether together or separately), you're doing them no favours if they remain clueless as to how to do basic household tasks.
(Ignore the washing problem - let them crack on with that.)

I can't believe the number of people charging their children "rent" for staying in their own family homes!!!

It's their home, why on earth would you charge your child to stay in homes that have been theirs from birth. When does a child turn into a tenant? I'd never dream of charging my children to live at home and before anyone says anything they save, buy shopping if they happen to be near a supermarket, do stuff in the house all without being asked, stick the dishwasher on, hoover or whatever. We're a team, if there's no milk, whoever notices it buys more as well as checking if we need anything else and getting that too.

It's completely and utterly wrong, grabby and downright greedy to charge your child "rent" Talk about here's your hat, what's your hurry!!!!!

@Nelliephant1, do you actually have experience of late teens, early twenties DC?
There is no apology owed by OP - it's very definitely the other way round.
I'm having great difficulty in seeing where your assertion would apply in any scenario.

@Nelliephant1, X-posted with you.
In the light of your last post,

hes disrespecting you and not just about the noise-you cook and do their washing wtf?

stop doing all that right now he doesntpay enough for you to be his slave

They would be expected to give housemates more consideration than you are getting.

@Nelliephant1

Sorry but yes you're being completely unreasonable. It's his home too.

Maybe you were in a lighter sleep than normal, it doesn't sound as though they were partying exactly!! It sounds like you opted to lie there and stew yourself into a mood, you probably scared the life out of the poor lad shooting out of your room like that and it was totally wrong to throw a hissy fit in the middle of the night.

You owe them both an apology.

You cannot be serious ! 😂

Get on top of this now whilst the opportunity is there. Call a meeting with the 2 of them "about last night".

You can then take control of telling them how you feel, what you expect and what the new house rules are . Up to you but this could include she stays a max number of night pwk, no noise after 11pm, cooking x number of nights per week and doing own laundry - with clear instructions sheets, pants and towels are to be washed weekly as if you are not crystal clear sounds like they will be manky.

If you want, you can always say you are sorry you shouted or upset her (but not sorry you told them off).

And increase his rent to at least cover his share of utilities and food. You can always give some of it back as 'compulsory savings' when he moves out.

Unless she is really smelly I'd not mention the showering issue - at least she's not using your water and electricity! I might separately mention the hand washing as if she's in the kitchen touching surfaces or shared food items after a loo visit that isn't a nice thought.

They are a right cheeky pair and yes absolutely taking the piss out of you. However, I think you should have tried nipping this in the bud long ago and had clear boundaries/some house rules set in place from the start. Which is why it's gone on for so long and came to a bit of a head last night, they probably didn't realise how much it's all been bothering you and so I can see why she's upset as it's a bit out of nowhere for them.

So try and sit down and have a calm discussion with both of them and set some house rules, fresh slate from this point forward. Make it clear that if they start taking the piss again, she's not to stay over and he'll have to find somewhere else to live as well. They need to start pulling their weight, and don't feel bad for asking for more money if things are tight for you.

Whether he pays enough “rent” is irrelevant, that’s what the OP decided he should contribute anyway so I think it is unreasonable to then attach a no sex with your GF under my roof string to it after the fact.

Secondly, you’ve been shouting at 2am at your DS and the GF regarding what you said were fairly quiet noises. So it’s not like there was screaming and loud grunting. So I think that was OTT and BU. I’d have saved it until morning to have a word in private instead if shouting slut shaming stuff at 2am.

So, overall I think you were BU because you’ve over-reacted and if he’s not paying enough rent, or helping out enough that is a separate issue and your responsibility, you shouldn’t be letting that fester and then shouting at 21 yr olds for “crime” of actually having sex (gasp) in the middle of the night (the cheek).

@Tilltheend99

Are you sure she doesn’t shower? When I stay at other peoples houses I generally creep around deliberately keeping out of the way so that they can’t hear me shower etc I’d probably shower after everyone was asleep too.

That's just weird behaviour! Why shouldn't they hear you shower? It would really piss me off if you stayed at my house and went in the shower when we were all trying to sleep - you can hear it, there would be doors opening and closing and the bathroom would end up with loads of condensation and therefore with more potential to develop mould.

I disagree @EmpressCixi.

Anyone who makes enough noise to stop me from sleeping at 12.00M let alone 2.00am would be told to be quiet.
I don’t care if these were ‘quiet’ noises. They were loud enough to 1- wake her up and then 2- stop the OP from sleeping.

That’s not just a little bit of noise and the OP has been much more patient than I would have been.

@Nelliephant1

I can't believe the number of people charging their children "rent" for staying in their own family homes!!!

It's their home, why on earth would you charge your child to stay in homes that have been theirs from birth. When does a child turn into a tenant? I'd never dream of charging my children to live at home and before anyone says anything they save, buy shopping if they happen to be near a supermarket, do stuff in the house all without being asked, stick the dishwasher on, hoover or whatever. We're a team, if there's no milk, whoever notices it buys more as well as checking if we need anything else and getting that too.

It's completely and utterly wrong, grabby and downright greedy to charge your child "rent" Talk about here's your hat, what's your hurry!!!!!

Not everyone can afford to house and feed their adult children. I don't know how a grown adult can be going to work earning a living and watch their parents struggle to make ends meet and unable to downsize when they really need to. Even a nominal £50 a month can make sure the electricity stays on. Parents who don't have to worry about bills are usually squirrelling the money away to gift back to them later, while helping them get used to having financial responsibilities.

If they're staying home to save up for a deposit to get on the ladder, it is a big leap to go from not paying a penny to paying for a mortgage, all bills, doing full food shop etc.

I don't think it's wrong either to not charge board.

OP, I don't know if I've missed this, but how can he be lazing around in his room with her all day if he's working?

@Nelliephant1

Sorry but yes you're being completely unreasonable. It's his home too.

Maybe you were in a lighter sleep than normal, it doesn't sound as though they were partying exactly!! It sounds like you opted to lie there and stew yourself into a mood, you probably scared the life out of the poor lad shooting out of your room like that and it was totally wrong to throw a hissy fit in the middle of the night.

You owe them both an apology.

hilarious