DS and GF making noise - WIBU? DS thinks so!!

[Lovedivine]

DS Lives at home and his GF stays here at least 3 times a week. Both are 21, him working, her a student. No doubt they would love a place of their own but costs are high and I believe they are saving (DS GF graduates soon).

I’m very liberal really, they come and go as they please, mostly stay in DS’s room (in bed) and usually are quiet and fine.
I’m a little 😕 at the amount of time they spend laying in bed (no help from them) but they’ll generally keep his room tidy. I will cook and they’ll come down and eat in the kitchen but are back upstairs as soon as they can.

The GF can sometimes stay 3 days and not make any moves to shower 🤮, she’s not much of a hand washer either as you hear the loo flush and she’s straight out with no tap running. I’ve overlooked lots as DS can be a moody bugger and there are greater battles to be had.

Last night however I was woken at 12.30am, slight bumping noise, the odd voice noise etc, this went on and on, nothing too loud but enough to stop me dropping back off. At 2 am I heard DS door open and being at the end of my tether I shot out of bed and stopped DS on the landing and actually shouted how I’d had enough, it was the start of the week - I’m up at 5.30 for work etc.
I said that if this was how it was to be then she won’t be welcome to stay when we have work the following day.

I could not go back to sleep so have now been awake since 12.30am
Apparently I’m unreasonable for making such a fuss during the night and GF left this morning and was upset by all accounts.
I’ve said frankly I don’t care and it’s my house and I expect quiet to sleep. DS argues his it’s home too (he pays £50 a month as he saves the rest). Was I unreasonable to shout at 2am and threaten to stop GF coming or should I have stayed quiet?

The quicker they save up and move out the better!!

tbh i would have one coversation about noise and tell them next time you will be banging on their door when you get up at 5:30.

When you live with people you have to be considerate. And a lack of hygiene is inconsiderate

Sometimes things need to be said! My dd is 30 and still lives with us. She can be quite lazy so sometimes we have ‘differences of opinion’ but generally you need to decide what you’re happy with and they should respect that.
Have a sit down talk with them, raise your issues in a calm manner - including the hand washing etc - and hopefully they will be more respectful.

Why does the GF need to stay with you ... this is exactly why I would never consider allowing a GF to stay over (see other thread about GFs/BFs staying over). Tell your DS the arrangement is no longer convenient. GF needs to stay in her own home.

She sounds like a minger!! Personally I'd be grateful they waited until they thought I was asleep so it probably wouldn't bother me bu YRNBU to be bothered.

Don’t enable this grubby selfish pair. They should be making their own way.

@Lovedivine

He does work but starts late in a Monday so invariably Sunday night seems to get treated like a weekend night. He also has an early finish on a Friday. It’s very gradually got that GF is here a Thursday night (they treat this like a weekend too as DS has an early finish Friday), Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. They barely exit his room the whole time unless to come down for cups of tea, the odd light meal or trip to Tesco to stock up on snacks for the room.

I find it easier to do the washing, cooking etc (I don’t mind and he works later Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday so isn’t here for a long day those days.

On one hand they aren’t hurting anyone tucked away in his room but it’s starting to grate, especially the later nights when I’ve got work the following day. They’re up and down to the bathroom, tv noises, low droning voice from deep voiced DS etc. Last night was the straw that broke the camels back. Okay for them, they can sleep in until 11am, I’m up at 05.30.

I think you need some clear rules about the noise. It’s clearly an issue for you and disturbing your sleep anyway. You’ve been nice. They are trying BUT the fact you are living life with such different pattern is creating issues.

I’d also say that your ds living in the house should actually participate much more to the keep of the house. And I don’t mean money wise. I’m talking cleaning, preparing meals, hoovering the common areas.
He might learn at the same time that he can’t be behaving like a 15yo but expecting to be treated like an adult (who can go to bed when they want, go in and out of the hose when they want etc…..)

I have no idea how this thread moved onto the OP slut-shaming the girlfriend (or her son) - but that sounds like one gigantic leap to me...

I would be saying no Sunday night stay overs. Your ability to sleep is paramount.

@EmpressCixi What a peculiar response.

Op are you insinuating they were having sex?

This is not real life. He needs to wash his own clothes, do some cleaning and cook a meal or two for everyone every week. He needs to contribute way more financially.

How the heck's he going manage when he eventually moves out?

Sex isn’t the problem it’s noisy sex or tv or banging around on the way to the toilet.

He's taking you for a fool OP, sorry

FGS, you’re raising a man child! For a start he needs to pay a proper rent and behave like a functioning adult. And for a few months if he won’t get his own place I think I would suggest forcefully that he needs to book into a hotel/ Airbnb if his snowflake girlfriend can’t stand a bit of honest feedback about manners. Staying in someone’s house and then keeping them awake is the height of bad manners.

Not unreasonable to expect them to be quiet when you are in bed. My DS is living back here having finished Uni. He's currently working late shifts in a supermarket and doesn't get home until 00.30. He was putting the landing lights on, the leaving them on for half an hour or more whilst he got undressed/mucked about on his phone for ages before finally going to the bathroom and eventually turning the landing light off. Unfortunately the landing light shone through into our bedroom through the slight gap in the door and if I heard him arrive home the light then kept me awake. A quick 'please can you turn the landing lights off as soon as your bedroom light is on' is all that was needed. Problem solved. They are not the most considerate of creatures at that age even if they've lived away from home.

I was paying £50 a week in 1994!

Can I come and live with you?

@Nelliephant1

I can't believe the number of people charging their children "rent" for staying in their own family homes!!!

It's their home, why on earth would you charge your child to stay in homes that have been theirs from birth. When does a child turn into a tenant? I'd never dream of charging my children to live at home and before anyone says anything they save, buy shopping if they happen to be near a supermarket, do stuff in the house all without being asked, stick the dishwasher on, hoover or whatever. We're a team, if there's no milk, whoever notices it buys more as well as checking if we need anything else and getting that too.

It's completely and utterly wrong, grabby and downright greedy to charge your child "rent" Talk about here's your hat, what's your hurry!!!!!

Nonsense!

If you have two 'children' that then become adults you are virtually living in a house share. Why should some not contribute?

What if they stay for many years? Should 30+ year olds not contribute to the costs of running a home?

And, I'd like to point out, not everyone can afford to carry other adults for free.

Just kick them out since they're being inconsiderate. It's time for them to grow up. If they want to buy they can save up slowly from wherever it is they're renting.

Of course yanbu but you have allowed them to do as they please for too long. They are not children yet you treat them as if they are - cooking their meals etc.

£50/mth entitles him to no more than a daily cup of coffee and a biscuit if that. However much he pays, he is not entitled to keep you awake until 2am unless he is taking over ALL outgoings so you can give up your job and have a lie-in.
Don’t let him get away with it. Who does he think he is? I’d be suggesting that he has a choice. If he doesn’t respect you and your obvious need for a decent night’s sleep, he will need to find another place to stay. End of. Good luck with that for £50/mth.

YANBU to lose the plot at 2am when you need to be up for work 3.5 hrs later. They’re staying for all but free and so need to abide by some pretty simple rules that the grown ups who pay the bills call the shots and set the bedtime.

No matter how much or how little you contribute to a household you always have to bare in mind the other occupants.
Making noise late at night is not acceptable. If your DS wants to relax and do his own thing he needs his own apartment or house.
Otherwise he just needs to be considerate of others.

I text mine shut up . Only had to do it a couple of times a piece, they learned. They also know you are expected to participate in family life so dd and her bf came out for drinks with us then we played scrabble. My rules

Sounds like a bit of a doss house, dirty g/f laying around in bed all day, coming and going as she pleases, not washing herself or her hands after going to the loo. Disgusting

Do they ever go to her house and slob around? I think it needs to work both ways if not, they shouldn't only be at your house. At 21 I would expect more mature behaviour opposed to hiding away in the bedroom laying in bed all day. Does she not work?

Did you not raise him to function at a bare minimum? Grown man who doesn’t perform any basic tasks in the house isn’t a great outcome of your parenting.