Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

Whilst telling your partner they think your overweight is never a nice conversation, atleast he has had the decency to tell you why he believes hes not sexually attracted to you fully, a lot of men would have just said he feels he loves you as a friend without any explanation.

DEFENCY? FFS, raise your bar. Raise it a lot.

OP, speculating about his motivation will gain you nothing. It's a treadmill to nowhere. The posts to this tune are a red herring: what matters isn't what he might be up to, but his treatment of you. That on its own should be sufficient to inform you decision (but please don't even think about capitulating to his outrageous directive to lose weight as a condition of remaining in the marriage). The blowing hot and cold afterwards is almost worse. He's done a lot of pontificating about what he does and does not want: about time you had a turn. What do you want, OP?

Personally, I'd never be able to trust him again.

I also wondered about his sexuality. He says he's been having these feelings for years, yet he still married you. Is he trying to suppress something bigger?

he doesn’t know what he’d do without me around and he would consider hanging himself.

Hmm, OP, he sounds better and better - not. Something is going on, and you're the excuse. I seriously doubt the 'hang myself' bit. Will be interesting to see what he says and how he treats you when he gets in tonight.

Time to keep a diary and start having your phone sectretly on record. I seriously doubt the 'hang myself' bit.

Lose 15st of man. Ditch him.

I made a joke yesterday about how it’s pancake day tomorrow and I won’t be able to have any now I’m on a starvation diet. Stupid thing to say I know but I was probably just wanting him to reassure me or something.
He replied “you can have one”.
He’s being really controlling isn’t he?!
I remember at the start of our relationship I was going on a bit of a health kick as I had some health issues at the time and he said something along the lines of “once you have lost the weight I will take you on holiday”. I remember thinking it was a very strange thing to say as if he was giving me conditions as to whether we would go on holiday or not. I pulled him up on it and he backtracked saying he was just trying to be supportive and didn’t mean anything by it.

Thanks for all of your advice everyone. It’s really helpful to be able to discuss all of this with outsider points of view

I am 5ft 7 and take a size 16 - my OH was all over me like a rash when he was alive.

Tell him that if he wants you to lose two stone you want him to change his personality and become a decent human being.

You cannot live with him.

Disgusting behaviour from him. Even if you lost this required 2 stone, you will forever be watching your weight going forward. You won't dare to put a pound on. Its absolutely fine for him to have likes and dislikes but why did he marry you 7 months ago then? Why do that to you, and why do it to himself if he wasn't actually happy
I'm so sorry but I think you need to end this relationship and I don't say that lightly. I'm glad in a way he's spoken up otherwise this could have gone on for years

@Jvg33

Why should you leave the house? He should leave. You are married.

Really ?. He's being paying the mortage on his own house long before she moved in and they've only been married 7 months.

Something had happened OP. He's not just woken up feeling this way. Its possible that its been brewing for a while and his affection recently has been him trying to push the feelings aside. But i think it far more likely theres been an external catalyst and his attention to you is guilt. Just because he appears to have no opportunity for a physical affair, doesn't mean he's not connected with someone remotely. However unless you can prove it, he'll stick to the story that's its your fault for being overweight. Please don't stop eating, I guarantee you it will do you no good and losing weight won't save this situation. You will also put yourself completely in his power. What next? Your hair, your clothes? If he's prepared to leave you now, he will be prepared to in the future. You can't build a life on something so flimsy. I know it's very hard, but all you can do is call his bluff and tell him if he doesn't want you as you are he should leave immediately.

Loose some weight by getting rid of the selfish bastard! Luckily you have no kids so I'd get out now!

And another thing - make sure you don't get pregnant with him! 'Coercive and controlling' springs to mind. Record him secretly and keep a diary, and do confide in someone you can trust.

How could you ever trust him again after he had admitted he has been lying to you for years. A relationship with no trust is no relationship. What an absolutely awful thing to do, even if he thought it he could have carried on lying and made up some other less hurtful reason to leave. But instead he went for maximum hurt. I expect it will limp on for a while but I don't see that this is something the relationship could recover from. Perhaps try marriage counselling, even if just to make the break up easier.

On the financial side, the relationship has lasted six years where no doubt you have made many contributions as well so please don't walk away with nothing. The timeframe that will be considered is the date of start of cohabitation until the decree nisi. Don't sign the decree absolute until the finances are agreed. You should at least get a deposit for a home of your own out of it. Speak to a lawyer, he will need to make an offer to buy you out - the house is technically half yours as the starting point for married couples is 50/50. Also I don't think you can start divorce proceedings until a year after marriage so you will have a wait no matter what.

I would assume another woman, with the way he’s trying to re write history.
How funny that he thinks you will just leave and he doesn’t have to give you anything towards the house. The house is a martial assets. 140-60= 80k/2 = 40k right? So if he wants you to
Leave he needs to cough up 40k. This is all just an estimate and guess work and I assume you didn’t sign a pre nup?

Leave and get a solicitor. It’s not love if he puts conditions on how you look you deserve more.

I’m so sorry OP, this is cruel and absolutely shattering. Can you take some time off work for the next few days to think things through and build yourself back up? I would NEVER lose weight for someone else - for a spouse to say those things is unforgivable.
I also think I read that you have fear about what your parents might think. This is almost the toughest part. That is their issue - you can’t stay and lie to yourself in order to keep face. That’s an unbearable way to live. What he said was unforgivable (and actually makes him sound totally emotionally detached). Find your strength, summon your tribe, think through your story (he has written it for you really the dick) and move onwards. Also, don’t let him keep his nice cosy house and leave you in difficulty. He has lied to you for all this time and allowed you to marry him under false pretences. What happens to him when you take what is rightfully yours is entirely his problem and of his own doing.
PS I get people change and have changes of heart and situation but this isn’t that. He has had this ‘at the back of his mind’ for the last two years and still allowed a wedding to happen. Who the fuck brings these men up!!

OP I’m so sorry, what a dreadful thing to happen. No wonder you’re reeling from it and, for what it’s worth, you sound like a lovely person and a perfect size. OK, so let’s say you stay….you lose 2 stone…will everything magically be OK & all the hurt forgotten then? Will you love & respect him still? And then are you going to spend the rest of your life terrified that he’s going to leave you if you’ve put a pound or two on? That doesn’t sound like any way to live to me….

@Scianel

He has said he would pay for a deposit and first months rent for me somewhere nice

Err, I don't think so. The house is a marital asset and he'll have to buy you out, possibly by selling it. Don't let him cheat you financially on top of whatever headfuck he is visiting upon you.

I thought the house was only a marital asset if it was purchased during the marriage. If he bought it before getting married its a non-marital asset and although you will have some claim on it, its not 50/50?

So he's

• telling you need to lose 2 stone to save your marriage
• happy that you spent a day starving yourself
• threatening to hang himself if you leave

OP read this back and run a mile. Imagine telling your partner to lose 2 stone or you'll kill yourself. That is the most batshit controlling thing I've read on here in a while. In what possible scenario of you staying is going to end with you not sacrificing your entire well-being and feeling like utter shit?

How humiliating to have to tell people that our seemingly happy marriage only lasted 7 months!

Nope, how humiliating for him that he's decided to throw it all away because he's so fucking shallow. It's not about you. So sorry that he's done this to you, but you absolutely deserve better.

I agree with PPs that something has happened here. Why would he lie for six years and marry you if he doesn’t find you attractive? Something has changed, whether it’s an affair or he’s had a health scare, or he’s run up debts he doesn’t want to tell you about. The weight thing is a red herring and a way of him trying to put the blame on you to avert attention from the truth.

Regardless, you deserve better. It’s horrible to admit your marriage has failed but you’ll be happier in the long run without him.

Why did you only just get married so recently? Quite often when a relationship is going stale a wedding is a planned, or a baby, to try and make things okay.

I would ask him to leave to give you some thinking time but I would only lose weight for me.

He's a fucking weirdo. If someone you love gains weight and it's a problem, you raise it gently along the lines of 'I noticed you're gaining weight, are you ok? Are you upset and eating secretly or shall we go on more walks together or have we been having more take aways than is healthy etc'

What you don't do is issue an ultimatum of 'your body is unacceptable to me, I demand you change it' because that's not a loving thing to do. And if the person doesn't love you then why the fuck should you make any changes anyway?

You could lose weight, but he’ll always be a dickhead!

Wow, just wow! What a cruel bastard. This relationship can never work now, honestly, what he’s said and how he’s gone about it can never be revoked. What an absolute dick! You can’t say things like that and then say ‘oh I actually didn’t mean it.’ Sod off!

Get yourself a solicitor in place and set the ball rolling for divorce, who gives a shit it’s only been 7 months, you don’t need to stay with an arsehole just to save face. It’s no one else’s business why your marriage hasn’t worked and the reason is because your husband is a prick, no fault on your side anyway.

Who does he think he is to declare how, in his opinion, how sexually unattractive you are to him yet continue to have sex with you several times a week?! And give you constant compliments. Also, you’re his best friend? I don’t think best friends treat each other so horribly.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but honestly, leave, you don’t need this

Thank this has all come out now whilst you are still young so you can dump the bastard. He sounds quite scary. I’d go to your parents and get a solicitor.

You mentioned being humiliated OP. I'd tell all and sundry what he said to you as it's all on him. What a nasty man. Don't chain yourself down with his nastiness.
Don't let on. Just be quiet see a solicitor and start attacking him in a way he never saw coming. He's just a typical nasty chauvinist that is making excuses for his shortcomings. No doubt something will come out of the woodwork eventually but it won't be your problem, it will be his.
The house is both of yours. Most divorces start at 50:50 and a good solicitor will see everything through with you as to what you can and can't claim.

I wouldn't bother discussing it and tbh I wouldn't bother trying to wonder where it all went wrong until later on. Take each day, rally your real friends around you and move on to someone who doesn't base their relationship on a shallow thing like weight.