Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

Wow. From what you've said about his last relationships it sounds like he's got some kind of issues over partners weight, which for whatever reason have come to the forefront now. Or he's got his eye on someone else.
Seriously the only weight you need to lose is him.

The more you say about him the more awful he sounds! If this is a very abrupt change in him then you have to look for the reason and it isn't your weight. He sounds all over the place. He's full of ridiculous excuses and ultimatums.

There is no shame in separating after a short marriage and this sometimes happens, people are together for a number of years then as soon as the commitment steps up things go wrong. You can start again. Do not move out, tell your parents/friends, consult a solicitor, seek counselling if you think it would help but do not let him lead you a merry dance.

He thinks he can pay you off with a deposit and a few months rent? He owes you a lot more than that. See a solicitor.

No come back from this.

If you did lose weight to please him, there’d always be something else he complained about, and the relationship would be forever tainted for you.

If he had guts he’d be starting the process of splitting up, but I suspect his aim is to keep you dangling rather than actually doing anything.

I think he has someone else or he is gay.

Either way, chuck him. You're fantastic and he is a dump.

@Drawerofcrap

If you're married you should have a claim on 'his' house as it'sa marital asset, so stop thinking of it as his house....it's your house too. Could he be having an affair with your friend?

If he owned the house prior to marriage that may not be the case, she may have some claim on the increase in its value over the course of the marriage.

his dad once told his other daughter in law to get to the gym after she had given birth (which my husband found hilarious when he was telling me) so there are clearly issues with the men of his family around women not being skinny. I got red flags about him then but other than that I’d hand on heart say he’s never given me any other reason to think he’s not a nice person.

As for my financial status - I earn enough to support myself on my own but my salary is fairly average. He earns about 20k more than I do and he has savings, no debts and there is only 60k left on the mortgage which he could pay off within 5 years.

Sorry I would be telling him he has lied for the whole relationship and that alone means you can never trust him again

Never mind losing the weight, and personally I would pick on a trait of his you don’t really like, and do the same to make the point

But what happens if you do loose the weight? Will you be watching every calorie in case you put on a bit of weight and become ‘unattractive’ again? It’s no why to live

He’s lied I couldn’t get past that and would be telling him to leave, and I would have no hesitation in telling people why you have broken up

This is really shocking. How dare he make such demands. He sounds like a real shitbag.

He chucked dhis last girl as she had gone upto a 14. He is shallow hal needs a gal

I would go to my mum’s and he would never see me again other than to deal with the legalities. While I was packing some bags of clothes he started to get really upset and told me we shouldn’t be hasty.
Because he doesn't want you to tell anyone what he's said. He wanted you to take it on the chin and suffer in silence.

@OhMygodddd

Does sound like someone has turned his head and he wants to go ahead with her but has (some) morals so wants to ship you off first so he doesn’t look bad

I’m a few weeks on from this scenario. We were together 6 years too. Similar story to PP’s and OP in that he started re-writing the narrative. Claiming he’d realised we weren’t compatible and wanted different things. I was taking on a lot of blame and guilt and felt such a failure. He also started on about my figure too OP as I’d gone up to a size 12 :(

Anyway the truth is out now - he’d met a younger woman at the gym. Please don’t blame yourself OP like I did. His story doesn’t make sense because he is lying. You are good enough just as you are.

Marriage, healthy ones anyway, depend upon communication.
Let’s say, for arguments sake, he isn’t Gay or adulterous as suggested but that he’s telling the truth & just isn’t attracted to you anymore. Should he not say?
Lies are worse than honesty no matter how brutal. You absolutely do not have to lose weight, it’s your body, but I’m not sure what else he was supposed to do in this situation?
He’s back tracking a bit because you are upset. That’s also a normal thing to do. He cares about you & feels bad. It’s not an easy thing to tell someone & so he probably regrets the way he worded things but ultimately he has told you how he feels & he’s entitled to do that. You are also entitled to respond as you see fit.

Maybe it’s just me but I can’t stand game playing & lies. I’d always rather be told the truth no matter how painful.

And yes he owned the house since 2017 and I moved in at the start of 2019. We got married last year

If he was upset at the prospect of you leaving and then pleased when you weren't eating, sounds like what he really wants is control over you. Is he like that in other ways?

Dear God, this is so abusive and cruel, OP. 'If you lose two stone..'!! That's not a marriage you want to stay in.
Don't fight for him - get out as soon as possible. I'm sorry.

I doubt very much this has got anything whatsoever to do with your weight. What a horrible thing to say. Sounds like an excuse for him to leave you, whilst making you the reason. He’s hiding something, I’d say. Another woman…another man?

It's him who needs to move out, not you.

Why should he be the one to move out of what he owned prior to this short marriage? He has more right to stay there, whatever the other circumstances.

Oh wow, so sorry OP. There's absolutely no way I could come back from being told something like that. I would never again trust him when he complemented me, and would always be doubting if he loved me.

If you do decide to stay and try to lose some weight then insist that he too has to improve his body and put some muscle on. Better than that though, leave him and find someone who truly loves you for who you are because believe me, if you lose the weight, he'll find something else he's not happy with.

It's extremely controlling for him to say he'd like to save the marriage but only if you lose weight. It's abusive. Please don't ever feel ashamed if the marriage ends because of this. It's not your failing, it's all him. Despicable man!

I would have carried on packing tbh

You’re married, not partners co-habiting so he can’t just assume you’ll be going and leaving him with the marital home. Get some legal advice, as it is a short marriage, but he can’t assume he keeps everything he came in with.

I have nothing to add to this just wanted to agree with the consensus that he’s an absolute prick. LTB

OP please don't starve yourself(and he seemed pleased) the hurt must be immeasurable to you to want to starve yourself. Please do not be embarrassed about telling people your marriage is over after 7 months none of this is your fault you have not changed and neither should you. Please go and stay with your mum and then see a Solicitor. You deserve a partner that loves and supports you not criticising you and breaking you. As pp have said it will be your hair, clothes and whatever next that he criticising. Gather your girlfriends and arrange lovely nights out weekends away. Does his job involve him meeting clients one of which could have turned his head. Please put your happiness first not his. Wishing you well OP

I normally think Mumsnet is very trigger happy with the dump em script. But this is really shocking. I don't believe he's been lying to you the whole time and just suddenly decided this is a deal breaker. If it was - he shouldn't have got married in the first place. And to do this to someone can hugely undermine a person's sense of confidence and make them feel uneasy and completely thrown off balance which is really cruel and really unfair. Either you trust him now and think you've been lied to constantly or you believe him in the past - and don't trust him now. Either way leaves you not knowing where you are or what to think. It ruins your trust potentially towards compliments and trust in future relationships etc too. It's a rubbish thing to do to someone.

What I REALLY don't like about this - apart from all the above - is it's taking so much power away from you. It's not up to him to say he'll try and "make it work". Who is he to make conditions to you? What about conditions you might have for him. Not to mess you about? Not to pull the rug from under you? Not to lie. Etc.

And the other thing that occurs to me is that maybe he is finding an excuse because of something else? And you could try and try to live up to some expectation, just for him to turn round and go - no. And then you'd feel undermined and resentful and have wasted emotional time and energy. Or worse he starts to put another condition on the relationship and another...and you end up just trying to please feeling more and more out of control. The whole thing makes my blood boil.

If it were me - well I wouldn't think this was the right relationship unless he really could explain himself better. If he wasn't happy or was questioning everything he shouldn't have got married. I'd find someone who did love and want me for me. There will be lots of people out there who will.

The fact he's presented this as a kind of ultimatum makes it sound to me like he wants to split up but is trying to find a way of trying to make it seem like your fault as he feels guilty. It's not your fault in any way and I would not start to go down that road. Who does he think he is setting you some kind of "test" to pass. Fucking hell. You are married and you were the same when you met. This is just bullshit and cruel to save his own guilt I imagine. To get you to split up with him. Make you the one to split the marriage.

The only charitable reason I can come up with for this is that perhaps he has panicked about the responsibility and pressure of marriage and that's making him act oddly. But OP I want to just say please please please don't let this affect your sense of self or your body image at all. Please. It's so destructive. You are obviously fine and beautiful the way you are and be confident in that.

This marriage is dead. You will never feel secure or happy in it again. How could you possibly?

OP I'm so sorry you're being put through this. It's not fair and I'd bet everything I have that there's something more going on.

Why are you expected to leave? He can find somewhere else