Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

I’m thinking it’s likely a sexuality matter - he works only with men you say OP?
Has he got many close male friends?

"He's a fucking weirdo. If someone you love gains weight and it's a problem, you raise it gently along the lines of 'I noticed you're gaining weight, are you ok? Are you upset and eating secretly or shall we go on more walks together or have we been having more take aways than is healthy etc'

What you don't do is issue an ultimatum of 'your body is unacceptable to me, I demand you change it' because that's not a loving thing to do. And if the person doesn't love you then why the fuck should you make any changes anyway?"

@SunshineCake1

Why did you only just get married so recently? Quite often when a relationship is going stale a wedding is a planned, or a baby, to try and make things okay.

I would ask him to leave to give you some thinking time but I would only lose weight for me.

I don't think 6 years is all that long to wait to marry someone, especially considering the last 2 years.

I was with DH for about 4 years before we got married.

Jesus. Even if you decided to lose weight in some attempt to save your marriage, how would you ever relax again? You'll spend your whole life worrying about gaining a few pounds, and wondering if he's gone off your hair, or the way you dress. I don't think I could get past this tbh, I would be making plans to go separate ways.

"“It’s like a beautiful thing that suddenly turns out to be broken into hundreds of pieces, and even when you glue it back together it’s always going to have been horribly broken.” from Heartburn, by Nora Ephron.

Get a copy, OP,

So he already ended the relationship and is attempting to backtrack/ make you do it. He's already trying to wheedle out of upsetting his plans on this. Get him out. Get a solicitor. Keep him out of the loop from hereon in.

Oops sorry I posted too soon - I was quoting someone else there - what I was trying to say was that the advice given there was a lot kinder - BUT irrelevant because the OP has always been the same. So for him to come out iwth this now is plain weird.

I too am very disturbed by the hang himself comments. It does sound very controlling. I hope you can get some help and advice and support in real like OP.

First:
He really owes you - he admits that he has lied and misled you -and your life has been permanently affected by this.

Anything financial you take from this marriage is fair. Please get a SHLawyer and take their advice. (If he is truely sorry for the way he has treated you, he should give the house to you.)

He likes very skinny body-type women ... those who look very like young men. Are you sure there isn't another man in his life suddenly?

I asked him if all it would take to save our relationship was for me to lose weight or if there were other issues for him. He said it’s just the weight thing and if I lost it then he’d be all over me and the physical spark would ignite for him.
Also (sorry for tmi) but he never gives me oral during sex. He told me on Saturday it’s because I’m overweight he doesn’t do it. I know I’m not slim but im not exactly some 500 stone monster. I have a BMI of 28 FFS and I take care of my appearance. He’s making me out to be some repulsive whale

Great post from Hadtocomment.

Op it is not your job to try and figure him out. His behaviour has been appalling. Tbh, if my DH had said that to me I would have told him the marriage was over and I would have been straight out of the door.

Why did he marry you seven months ago if he has been feeling like this for two years? I don't buy it.

The far more likely explanation is that he is feeling bad about himself in a very fundamental way and is somehow laying all the blame of that on to you.

But yours is not to question why ATM or god forbid give him sympathy. He isn't exactly being very protective of your feelings is he? The truth will out eventually. But for now, hard though it is, please, please, value yourself, go to your parents, don't look back. Do not hang around waiting for him to apologise or change his mind because that gives him too much control over you and gives the signal that you are willing to tolerate this nonsense. He declared he would love you through thick and thin seven months ago op. You are entitled to feel total outrage! But your posts seem strangely calm and conciliatory. Normally I would advocate a measured approach but in this instance I think you need to find your anger! Good luck

Omg op, I’m rarely shocked on here but this is awful! Don’t stay with this man, please! You deserve so, so much better!

If his love for you is conditional on your body looking a certain way they he does not and never has loved you.

What if you became ill, or disabled and your body changed? What about growing old?

This man does not deserve you.

@GloriaSicTransitMundi

he doesn’t know what he’d do without me around and he would consider hanging himself.

Hmm, OP, he sounds better and better - not. Something is going on, and you're the excuse. I seriously doubt the 'hang myself' bit. Will be interesting to see what he says and how he treats you when he gets in tonight.

Time to keep a diary and start having your phone sectretly on record. I seriously doubt the 'hang myself' bit.

OK I'd missed this little pearl on a first (cursory) reading of the thread.

This is far worse. It's straight out of the worst kind of abusers' textbook I've had the suicide card pulled on me, by a 'man' who amply fitted this bill, and the bad news is, they never get any better. On the contrary. They escalate.

I'd counsel you to ignore the ridiculous posts claiming what a decent, magnanimous thing he's done for you in telling you the brutal 'home truth': that he finds you overweight, you're unattractive to him and need to dump 2 stone simply to please him. Having done so, he's now pulling the suicide card should you split, a situation which HE himself has made conditional on the fact that you lose the weight.

Translation: I'll try any degree of emotional blackmail, no matter how gratuitous, in order that you amend your behaviour, body and boundaries to the parameters HE has set for you. Well. Fuck. That.

The comment above that he's backtracking so as not to hurt your feelings is utter bullshit. If you want proof of that, you need look no further than the suicide card. This is practised, deliberate manipulation, no matter what pitiful excuses some women persist in trotting out to justify the worst kind of behaviour in men. He's fucking with your head and he knows precisely what he's doing.

I've read about some weapons-grade shits in my time on MN. This one has some stiff competition, but he just about takes the biscuit.

So sorry for you, OP. You must be reeling.

You can lose a lot of weight at once by ditching this deadweight man.

Sorry that he turned out to be so controlling and cowardly.

Don't be ashamed to tell others what he told you. That's why he's backpedalling and trying to do damage control. He wanted to do the emotional damage without repercussions.

OP you poor thing - he sounds utterly vile. Cruel, creepy, messed up and actually a bit scary. Be very very glad you didn’t have kids with him, imagine the things he might say to his future daughter

See a solicitor, fast, and stay where you are for now - take anything you can get from him financially as it’s his fault the marriage is dead. Which it is - please know you’re far, far better than this and if you stay you are signing up for a life of misery. He has zero respect for you now - imagine quite how little he will have you if you stay with him after this? Please, move on. You will look back in five years and be so glad you did. And keep posting here for support and practical tips.

Remember that while you are in shock, he's been thinking/planning this for some time. You are still processing while he checked out some time ago. Don't give him the consideration of treating him like a friend - he isn't your friend anymore (if he ever was). If it's true that he's had doubts for the last couple of years (which may or may not be the case, he's rewriting your history to suit himself) and he married you anyway, that's cold. As are the things he said to you.

I think it’s so sad that you even need to ask if you should try and lose weight for him. He’s a nasty, shallow prick. If his ex hadn’t put on weight, he said he’d still be with her?!

He sounds like he’s offering lots of solutions (paying the deposit etc) to separate because that’s what he wants.

Imagine you let him wreck your self esteem and you lose the 2 stone. He’ll either start worrying that other men fancy you and be controlling and nasty, or he’ll be satisfied for a bit…

Until you get a couple of wrinkles and need some Botox. Or look a bit pasty and need a spray tan. Or have your boobs done because they look a bit saggy, or he’d prefer you with long/short/light/dark hair etc etc

He’s shallow and unpleasant, and you could very easily spend the rest of your life trying to make him attracted to you. Or you could split up, and find someone who adores your body AND your mind, exactly as they are

What a disgusting weasel!
He is completely in the wrong to say anything about your weight.
Don't worry about your short marriage, I had a 3 month marriage after a 10 year relationship, and it feels irrelevant to my life now. At the time it was fucking horrific and I felt humiliated and devastated but now I literally do not care. He ended it of the blue and I was sure there wasn't someone else, and to be fair he never actually cheated (i dont think), but there was definitely someone in the wings who he got with soon after and is still with now. But honestly I'm so much happier without him.
You don't deserve this shit!!
You can end this, don't give him the power of thinking you'll lose weight to keep him!! Fuck that! You deserve better than a shallow weak liar.
I am sorry this is happening and I know how awful it feels, but you'll feel better for being the one who said I'M LEAVING YOU, YOU PRICK!

OP, I hate to say this but a man who loved you would say such things or do such things. I think your marriage is effectively over and is just a case of how long it will take for you both to come to terms with that.

My advice would be:

1. Couples counselling. Two reasons. First, I don’t believe what he has told you and this may encourage him to either tell the truth or, if he is confused, figure out what the truth is. Two, it is worth a shot to save your marriage in case he is having some kind of breakdown (but with your more recent posts, I think that is very unlikely, and he is probably just a controlling bastard).

1. Call a solicitor. Get the proverbial ducks in a row. Sure, maybe you won’t need a solicitor and maybe it won’t end in divorce. But this will make sure you have all the necessary information before you pull the trigger. Information is power. And the house is a marital asset, it might not be split 50/50 but you will be entitled to something so don’t let him by you off with a deposit and first month’s rent. 🙄

1. Whatever is happening, it is about him. Not you. Don’t feel like you have to hide it and don’t feel ashamed. On one hand, if what he has said becomes public knowledge, he might be shamed into behaving better. On the other hand, you can do better than staying with someone who is only decent to you because of peer pressure. You need the support of your friends and family so let them know. 💐

Well , he doesnt love you and there is no deepper emotional connection in this marriage .I would say leave him for good and let him try his luck .You are wasting your years in a marriage which will not value you .
You deserve much better .

But let me know how you feel with yourself first.Do you feel confident in yourself .Sometimes men take advantage of a womens low self esteem .
I would leave this marriage asap

He can get in the bin.

He wants you to lose weight to win his favour, because of course he's just been having sex with you to be nice. Wow. What a nice guy. Sooooooo fucking nice of him to suffer through having sex with you. Such nice. Amazing. Well done that man.

But he doesn't want you to be hasty. I read that as "But I don't want to jeopardise my cozy set up, and I really don't want people realising I'm shallower than a mouse's padding pool."

And if you DO leave he will hang himself. Which I believe is page 56 of the Manipulating Tosspot's Handbook, in the chapter on Power Plays & Control Tactics.

He said a bunch of horrible things, and now doesn't want to face the consequences. Well tough, you spine donor, it doesn't work like that.

He's so wrong. You are of course a very attractive woman. He's attacking you over something that obviously wasn't on his mind before, this looks a lot like him trying to assert control, knock your confidence down so you look to him for validation. During your divorce he will probably be the annoying sort so lots of and at you. There's great advice on here for getting through separation and divorce.

It would be the end for me. I'd be gutted but how can you ever sleep with him again knowing that he's judging you, always wondering if you're slim enough that he fancies you? Fuck that for a life. I'd be out.

I am open mouthed at his comments..so sorry op.

Also (sorry for tmi) but he never gives me oral during sex. He told me on Saturday it’s because I’m overweight he doesn’t do it. I know I’m not slim but im not exactly some 500 stone monster

@Robinred81 I am currently 37 weeks pregnant and my body is unrecognisable from my “normal” body. Oral sex is still a big part of our sex life. The fact that he uses your body to withhold whatever he wants to, is unacceptable. I assume you’re not too overweight for him to accept oral sex from you