Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

Oh how terribly sad. How could you ever trust anything he says going forward and makes everything suspect that happened in the past. How much of your loving memories were him simply acting? How horrible he is!

Please save yourself years of torment trying to please him and second guessing what he says and does. You’re worth so much more. Move on

I second @StopStartStop’s excellent post.

You deserve better. He can bugger back off to under the rock he came from. I says this as someone who was destroyed by an ex and rebuilt. You deserve far far more.

Oh and one other thing I forgot to mention in my first post - on Saturday after he dropped the bombshell I said I would go to my mum’s and he would never see me again other than to deal with the legalities. While I was packing some bags of clothes he started to get really upset and told me we shouldn’t be hasty.
Honestly this has been the biggest head fuck I’ve ever experienced.
As for him being gay - I would be 100% surprised it this were the case but I suppose you never truly know someone

Op

Do you work?

Well, weight is the issue for him now, but what will it be next? If he wants you to change your appearance to please him, that's "until death do us apart" with an asterisk isnt it? The older we get, our looks fade away , we have less energy etc. When we have children our bodies change, will he be able to accept these changes? or will he ask you to work hard to keep him then too? Sorry, but I don't think you need this kind of stress for the rest of your life. I am so sorry you are going through this OP.

When my ex suddenly decided to walk out on our family one afternoon out of the blue I gave him the benefit of the doubt and believed all the things he was saying to me. Found out later that he had been cheating on me, I’m now paying the price for being a good person and not wanting to cause him any more ‘pain’ than he was seemingly in. I actually lost 3 stone in the first 2 months from shock, not that I’d suggest you do that.

Yes I work full time but from home

@LividLaVidaLoca

This is awful. He’s awful. This is absolutely not about your weight and how DARE he suggest that it is.

I’m sorry, but I can’t see how there’s any coming back from this. Even if he pretends it was a mistake you can never fully trust him again. You’d never be able to have a slice of cake without worrying he was going to divorce you.

Take your time. You’ll need to get your head round this first. DO NOT MOVE OUT. This is now 50% your owned house and he can’t just boot you out with a month’s rent like he’s doing you a favour.

Whatever his problem is, whether it is an affair, a grump or he’s just a knob, is irrelevant for now.

Bide your time until you’re ready to believe it’s over. But do not go anywhere. Marriage gives you legal protection and you owe HIM nothing.

Whilst he does sound like an asshole and I’m sure you mean to be supportive, your advice about the house being 50% hers is not correct. It’s an asset he pre-owned before their very short cohabitation/ marriage, they have no kids and she hasn’t been paying the mortgage since she moved in. It’s be worth her contacting a lawyer to find out what kind of payoff she might be able to ask for but it’s not going to be 50% of the collateral in the house.

If a man wants you to lose weight, you should lose HIM instead

@Robinred81

Yes I work full time but from home

Ok What’s your financial status in relation to him?

Oh bless you. Please do not think your weight is the issue. You have always been the same size, something attracted going to you. It’s just a cop out, he’s trying to look for reasons. The only weight you need to lose is him, imagine you lose two stone… are you going to spend your life worrying if you put a few lbs on that he’s going to leave you? Also, attraction isn’t just weight related, if it’s not there it’s not there. Do not waste any more years of your life with this man, cut your losses, take your share of the house and find somebody who loves all of you x

Stay strong, OP. This is so obviously not about you. I agree that most likely his head has been turned, whether IRL or thru porn. Or he could be struggling with his sexuality.

Or commitment phobic. It hardly matters.

Being so skinny himself, could he have an eating disorder?

Please do not abandon the marital home. See a solicitor and if you agree with us that there is no coming back from this have no qualms about getting the best settlement you can

Take care

I think he has someone else, at least in fantasy or an emotional affair

Don't be fooled by the phone thing- he may well have another one hidden somewhere

That really sucks, I am sorry.

He is putting it on to you. You can't win.
You lose the weight, you will be forever wondering if you still meet his "standards".
You don't lose the weight, you failed, it wasn't his fault

Honestly lose 12 stone straight away. Get some legal advice. You are married so you will be entitled to a share of the house , a lawyer will be able to let you know what might be reasonable.

Good luck x

Do yourself a

Sorry you're going through this. I agree with the others who say he's either cheating or has his eye on someone else. It's so predictable.

Hard as it is to process, your marriage is over. There's no coming back from this.

Do not move out. The house is no longer his house, it is a marital asset. Make an appointment with a solicitor and get some proper legal advice before you do anything.

I agree with others that his story doesn’t stack up, but the point is you need better - somebody who will support you through the tough times for decades, not somebody who would like you to have an eating disorder.

He wants to blame you for the fact he wants to leave the marriage. He has chosen something so that if you refuse to do it, he can say 'you weren't prepared to make any changes for me'. Whereas in fact he isn't prepared to stay married to the exact person he agreed to marry only 7 months ago.

This. I might also be wondering if he is gay.

Utter bullshit he's always felt like this he's rewriting history to make himself look better when it finally comes out he's having an affair. Sorry you're going through this op but the sooner you act the better - tell him to move out whilst you consider your future.

Omg! You are only a size 14! He's being ridiculous. I doubt he is the best looking man in the world. The marriage would be over for me.

He doesn't love you. And you'll never be able to forget that he's claiming he's never been attracted to you, that he's lied to you for years, and that he will leave you over a couple of dress sizes. What if you have children? Bodies change.

Tell him that just isn't good enough, and while you can always lose weight and get fitter (in a healthy manner and at your own pace), he'll always be a shallow asshole and you can't be with a shallow asshole.

I'd be making an appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand legally in regards to assets, the house, etc.

You've only been married seven months. You'll get loads of posters saying stay put, get advice, get your money - but honestly I'd just up and go, start the divorce due to unreasonable behaviour and crack on with your life.

Why should you leave the house? He should leave. You are married.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.

Urgh. Imagine being someone who thinks that two stone is the difference between being attractive or not. The embarrassment.

Do you even want to save a marriage to someone who would do this to you? I wouldn't.

@Robinred81 don’t be scared to tell your parents. I’m sure they would want to know what is happening. The shame/embarrassment of the marriage ending so quickly is ALL his

@Robinred81

That’s the thing - before Saturday there was never any indication anything was wrong. Lots of affectionate text messages from him, a lovely valentines card, tells me everyday how beautiful I am, has told me many times how I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he’s often discussing plans with me for our future etc. That’s why it seems so utterly shocking and heartbreaking. Yesterday I was very upset and basically starved myself all day. He knew I wasn’t really eating and he just seemed relieved that I was starting to try and lose weight 😞 I feel like I should go and stay at my mum’s for a while. How humiliating to have to tell people that our seemingly happy marriage only lasted 7 months!

It's him who needs to move out, not you. Do not starve yourself for this poor excuse for a man. Do not go to your mum's, tell him to find alternative accommodation, whilst you consider your position. Then go and see a divorce lawyer and get your ducks in a row. You can't stay married to this awful man.