Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

I'm so sorry. But at least he is now being more honest with you. Please don't let him play cat-and-mouse change of heart. However shocking and painful and humiliating it feels right now, you will feel stronger and happier long term if you break from him in one go.

Wtf! I’d put on a stone more, get into bed naked and refuse to let him touch. I’d also be wearing really sexy lingerie.

@pointythings

I'm so sorry OP, but at least you now know where you stand. Do consult a solicitor to get the maximum you can out of this relationship including your time cohabiting.

100% agree with this. Sorry OP. And I’d prepare yourself for a girlfriend/boyfriend appearing on the scene very, very soon. Tell your Mum, get some real life support and start your new life asap. He’s just going to mess with your mind so take control and start your new life on your terms. Best of luck.

Horrible man. He has totally misled you for years.

Tell him he's really too skinny for you anyway and what a shame he couldn't bulk up a bit and be more attractive!

Just read your latest update OP. I'm really sorry how the convo went. I understand that your at this point probably wanted to work at things and he's being very dismissive. My ex did this to me, I know the feeling SO well. Please feel free to message me if you need to chat ♥️
Also, please contact mindsmatters. Their support has been everything to me throughout the process.

Brilliant zonder !

I’m so sorry OP. Divorce his sorry arse and wait for the other woman to come out of the woodwork

Nice - Well he can leave the main bedroom and you should see a solicitor asap and take all you are entitled to which would be split evenly so he would probably have to sell his beloved house. Don’t fall for his flannel because he thinks by keeping it all low key and pleasant you will walk away, not cost him anything especially the part stay as long as you like - really!

His behaviour is disgusting. You'll be much happier without him now OP. It might take a little time, but soon you'll look back and think you are better off without him.

I would see a solicitor tomorrow, without telling him, and make sure I understand exactly what i am entitled to. I would not be leaving the property, or him until I had that information

So it looks as if there's 11 stone you can shift in one week

So he wants a divorce - that’s honest, clear & direct.
He will give you money - yes, he will… as determined through negotiation between your solicitors.

He may assume that he can give you some £££ as he pleases, but this is not so. When you both married, you entered into a legal contact. When that contract ends by negotiation, e.g. divorce, there legal matters to be resolved & that includes a financial settlement.

Earliest opportunity, e.g. tomorrow, you have tasks.
While he is out at work, use your time wisely.
If you can, take a days leave or sick leave, spend your WFH time to find & make copies of all documentation in the house about the house purchase, his income/investments/savings/policies/pensions, make copies of documents about the house, income, savings etc. Make copies by phone or scanner, store online in cloud or send to a new unknown email account.

As your marriage has been relatively short, you may not have a 50:50 split of the marital assets, but what ever asset pools you bring into the financial settlement stages of the divorce, that information should be full & accurate.

Take a look at the Law Society web page to find a solicitor who specialises in family law. Law Society, Family Law, Divorce & Separation Look for local reviews or ask discretely for someone with a shit hot reputation. See them either in person or online to get advice as soon a possible.

He says he wants a divorce, he moves out.
As pps have said, no more sleeping together, no more sex.
After all, he has the money to hand for you to stay somewhere, he can use that.

OP I've just read all your posts, he is a head fuck. Do you know anyone who you can get a recommendation, say a friend who is divorced. Do not go to your parents, go into other bedroom till you see a solicitor. Just remember the best revenge is to be happy xxx 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

@Robinred81

We’ve had a massive conversation and he’s admitted even if I lose the weight he’s just not feeling a spark with me and just sees me as a friend no matter how hard he tries to pretend otherwise. He definitely wants a divorce and has said he will give me enough £ to move on properly. I suggested counselling etc but he’s adamant he won’t have those sorts of feelings for me no matter what we try. He said he proposed and married me as he desperately wanted it to work as Im his best friend but he can’t force it anymore. He’s been very apologetic about the things he said at the weekend and said he was self sabotaging and it was wrong

Honesty at last. Seek professional advice before accepting any offers he's made / might make and congratulate yourself on getting the rest of your life back. And don't forget to look in the mirror and admire the beautiful woman you see there.

Cherchez la femme OP

Should have said before, don’t mention consulting the solicitor.

Have no doubt that he thinks that he can keep you on side by being friends & that he can fob you off - after all, he’s very good at that, isn’t he?

Get your self good legal advice & only act for your benefit.
Do not agree to or sign anything about money, house etc without checking with your solicitor. You may have recently read MN threads where people have signed off agreements that disadvantage them considerably in their marital finances. Be careful.

Earthsight You should lose weight for your own health and to help your joints when your older.....but not for him.

OP is 5ft 7 and a size 14, medically that is in the normal healthy range. She isn’t overweight or threatening her health / joints. In fact if she lost two stone as her dickhead husband and was a 6/8/10 she probably would be doing more damage. When I went below a size 10 my periods stopped, far more of a risk to my joints if I had carried on. To convince OP she should lose weight is to encourage dysmorphia. Irresponsible.

Leave- what a jerk

OP this is not about you or your weight (which sounds fine and you sound lovely). This is a script for him to minimise what he is doing. I think his head has been turned elsewhere. He’s a dick, it isn’t your fault. If you you were a size 8 he would be saying you “don’t understand me” or similar…

How behaviour is really cruel. It would have been much much kinder not to marry you at all (although at the time it would have been painful).

Please don't let him trat you like this any longer. Take control, tell your parents what he's said and get a good solicitor.

This isn't the behaviour of a friend. This is the behaviour of a liar who is trying to salvage making himself look good once his cheating is found out.

How dare him! I Promise you OP that you are a million tines better than this idiot!

Agree with the others, OP. Please don't accept any settlement offers until after you've spoken with at least one good solicitor.

You've been subsidizing his board and bills--while you may not have paid the mortgage, you were a financial player. If you hadn't been paying bills for his food or whatever else, you could have been building equity in your own place.

Which is to say, don't sabotage yourself or feel guilty for one second for insisting you get your full legal right to proper settlement funds.

PS: What an absolute dick.

I really don't believe the weight is an issue, that was just a front for him not being honest. And yet, I'm wondering what has brought the sudden change about?

Was it a comment from a friend? A mem on social media?

When we first arrived at a coastal holiday a few years back I watched a young couple mucking about in the water, they looked so happy together yet when others turned up on the beach, he would come out of the water and they would leave.

We would see them later on at dinner time, and she looked so confused, she would try and talk to him over dinner, he would briefly reply but basically didn't engage with her at all in the company of others.

By the end of their trip, they both looked thoroughly miserable. I wondered then, as I do in your situation if the fellow has some sort of hang-up where he needs the approval of others for him to live and love... if yours felt he was keeping up a charade, who was it for?

Time to be kind to yourself, take urgent annual leave and go and stay with your family. do take what you can of your personal possessions, as its likely he will change the locks. But please don't allow this person to hurt you anymore, you deserve a whole lot better!

Loose weight sure what is he 11-12 stone? Just loose him.

What an awful man and how dare he.