Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

You are so strong OP.

Oh no! I once dated someone who was psychologically abusive and controlling. He also used to get turned on by tears - once I realised I left. I really recommend you leave and read up on gaslighting xx

Then it's time to listen, OP, and get yourself sorted. Move on with your head held high.

How dare he have initiated sex with you after destroying your confidence the other day. What a piece of shit. I would be incandescent with rage that he had used me for sex after supposedly knowing he didn't find me attractive. Wow. What a cunt. I'm so sorry OP.

Call your parents and lean on them. Ditto friends. You need kind, lovely people around you because he frankly sounds like a complete headfuck

Wow. Well at least that isnt a mixed message.

🍷💐

@Robinred81

We’ve had a massive conversation and he’s admitted even if I lose the weight he’s just not feeling a spark with me and just sees me as a friend no matter how hard he tries to pretend otherwise. He definitely wants a divorce and has said he will give me enough £ to move on properly. I suggested counselling etc but he’s adamant he won’t have those sorts of feelings for me no matter what we try. He said he proposed and married me as he desperately wanted it to work as Im his best friend but he can’t force it anymore. He’s been very apologetic about the things he said at the weekend and said he was self sabotaging and it was wrong

Now's the time to see a solicitor OP..find out all your facts before you take up him on this offer of him slipping you a few quid to bugger off.

It's time to get some RL support also.

what a fucker for making you feel so bad about yourself - that's unforgiveable. At least now you know what is going on (not your size NOR indeed you) so you can take steps to move on. So sorry, but it is probably better to happen now; later would not make it any better, and it could make it worse.

This stinks, but is not something to be ashamed of, so go get real life support. You have that strength you will need, as you've demonstrated here. Keep it up.

He has been, is being, so cruel.

Good luck with the solicitors. You owe him no generosity when it comes to determining a split of assets.

He’s a c u n t

You deserve better.

@Drawerofcrap

The weight is just an excuse to make him feel better about what he's doing.... he's just trying to justify treating you badly by saying he never fancied you, etc. Typical cheater's script, I think.

Agreed. There’s almost certainly someone else. Cheaters can be amazingly good at hiding their tracks, so even though you think he’s got no opportunity to cheat, it’s still quite possible, sadly.

Save the marriage if you lose 2 stone what a shallow horrid prick.

I agree with getting real life support and seeing a solicitor. The main thing you need to realize is that he’s NOT your friend, let alone your best friend. A friend wouldn’t treat you this way. Don’t agree to anything financial or move out before speaking to a solicitor.

@Dontbeme

OP take a day off work, go to see a solicitor and then go to speak to a therapist, then have a nice lunch with chocolate cake. Keep your powder dry and tell him none of this. When armed with facts decide the best course of action for you. In case you need a hint the best course is leaving and taking him for everything you can get your hands on.

Life is too short to be treated like this, you may feel embarrassed now that a short marriage is ending but that is better than looking back with regret for staying and letting him treat you like this.

This. 100%.

He´s waited until you´ve just got married to show his true colours. Nasty man. Ignore any comment he has to make about your weight. He´s looking for something to make you the problem, and all he can find is your weight which hasn´t changed in years. He´s definitely looking elsewhere but doesn´t know how to end your relationship - so he´s taken the cowards option by trying to make you feel bad. He wants you to dump him, rather than dump you. That makes him lazy as well as cowardly.

Wow this is awful OP.

I don’t agree that he’s been ly8ng to you all this type but I do think he’s lying to you now and there is someone else. The sudden change in behaviour screams affairs.

Either way the only weight you need to lose is him. Tell him to move out if he wants to separate.

You should lose weight for your own health and to help your joints when your older.....but not for him.

It's good you haven't had children with him. What on earth would be like if you did?? Many women take years to shed off the extra pounds!!

OP, sometimes the reason why men are into to skinny women is because what they actually want is a skinny teenanger.......not an adult woman :/ Were any of his ex girlfriends much younger than him?

He sounds like he's had a good time sexually with you over the years so now I'm wondering as to who or what has turned his head.

Teenager*

I can't begin to understand why on earth he said those things, then appears to backtrack.

I've been with my OH for over 40 years. 99% of that time he's been a loving husband, but I can remember a few times when he has acted quite spitefully towards me; it always took me by surprise and I reacted to it, so he had an excuse to twist it to make it my fault. I felt he almost hated me and was being deliberately spiteful. I think he felt disgruntled over something (maybe lack of sex). We are ok now, but came so close to splitting up and I've never really got over it, even after he apologised.

I can only advise to keep your self respect, try not to let him see you upset, don't become clingy, instead become aloof with him and definitely don't have sex with him again, as I think he was using you. Give yourself time to think and analyse what might be going on, because there will be something behind this.

See a solicitor NOW, whilst he's (apparently) feeling remorse. I'm not saying you should take him to the cleaners, but strike whilst the iron is hot for what is fair. Ask specifically about the house, I'm not saying you should or could claim half since he owned it before you were married, but the idea of it may be good leverage for more than just a month's rent and deposit and for you to agree to move out sooner rather than later.

If you did lose weight, it would be something else then something else.
I'm sorry but in my opinion their is another woman possibly your friend. Get yourself in the spare room, get yourself a good solicitor. I'm sorry he is not the man you thought he was.

He’s not your friend OP, and he’s definitely not a good husband. Even a friend wouldn’t say such nasty things to you and try and destroy your confidence.
Contact the solicitors in the morning, call in sick if you have to, collect your things and go to your mums where you will be loved for YOU.

I’m so sorry that he’s done this to you.

You will be d see o much better off without him OP. Better to be single then with an arsehole of the highest order.

Re the house. Short marriage, no children, you won’t get much from it. But you’d be better walking away with not a penny and all your dignity anyway.

He's horrendous. He wants to have sex and get his end away but he can't find you attractive enough to stay with you???

And at your most vulnerable he had sex with you when he's told you he can't find you attractive? Make your fucking mind up. Talk about mixed messages.

What a fucked up manipulative bastard.

I'd say something has happened that you know nothing about but may come to light later. Perhaps he's met someone online who is thin and more attractive to him and he wants to follow that line of enquiry. He knows he's got to give you up and so he should if he can't be faithful. But yes I'd say there's someone else involved. You can't know how or where or when - but I'm not sure we ever truly know someone, even our own spouses.

Whatever the reason OP, you need to get out and fast.

The quicker you are away from him, the quicker you can heal and move on. You can be alone for a while or for a long time, there's no need to try and trust anyone straight after.

Being alone can be very liberating and enjoying and satisfying. There's a narrative in this world that we need a 'partner' to be whole and fulfilled when nothing could be further from the truth.

@Itsmeandhim Negging would be more subtle than this. More like a backhanded compliment.

I'm so sorry OP, but at least you now know where you stand. Do consult a solicitor to get the maximum you can out of this relationship including your time cohabiting.