Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

What a vile specimen of a man, my first thought was is he gay

I agree that it’s important you tell someone in real life what has happened, even if it feels humiliating. And I would tell him you are telling someone else too.

He has counted on you feeling small, humiliated and too ashamed to tell anyone. He has not counted on you challenging him and pointing out that whatever is going on is his issue and you won’t be putting up with this shit. Call him out on it and make clear you won’t be keeping it to yourself. By keeping it private and secret you give him more power over you.

Absolutely consider staying somewhere else tonight after you tell he has 24 hours to explain honestly what is going on or you expect him to move out immediately. Do not sleep in the bed with him or have some kind of grateful sex with him.

Make him realise you aren’t putting up with this….he thought you be grovelling and begging him to stay, not calling him out and sending him packing.

What he has said is foul, manipulative and pre-meditated. It is totally unacceptable and not something a husband does to his wife, or anyone does to someone they have any shred of respect for. Unfortunately you see him for who he is and how he lacks any respect for you. Do not take it. Put it back onto him and make clear it is HE who has a problem not you and you deserve better than someone who tries to transfer their issues and blame onto you in such a cowardly and manipulative way.

Tell him he needs to go elsewhere ir move out of the bedroom. Make him do it, not you. Do not be bullied. Now is the time to stand up for yourself and make him realise this isn’t going to play out as he hopes, with you a grovelling mess who is trying to lose weight…just to be to,d of some other ‘failing’ you have to fix a few months down the line. Make him realise he’s misjudged you and that what he’s thought was going to follow, absolutely isn’t.

I’m glad you realise you shouldn’t just walk away with the first months rent in somewhere. You’ve paid his bills for several years while he built up equity in the house, you do deserve some payout here.(everyone else has said everything about what kind of man he is)

What a selfish jerk!

OP can I just say I think you’re amazing. You’re handling this with such strength and dignity. You sound so calm, although I’m sure you don’t feel it. Good luck.

@mumznet

was he just having a bad day? . guys say and think all sorts of things, I wouldn;t worry with one remark see how it goes, if it continues then he wants you to leave him. but keep waiting to see how it goes. Afterall its not worth to end things abruptly in my opinion.

Are you joking?

I had one of these. Fortunately for me we didn't get married. This was literally the only thing that was wrong, according to him. And I was a size 12.

Interestingly, my aunt knows his mum, and when he finally got married he got more and more controlling, after marriage, after each child. Wanting her to lose weight, wanting her to go back to work after 6 months the first baby, after 3 months, the second, chooses her clothes, all their holidays...so they look, from the outside, as if everything is normal.

But actually even his mother can see his behaviour is outrageous, although she puts it down to being bullied at school, and feels sorry for both of them.

Close call there.

Fancies someone slim and feels bad about it OR sees his friends and family with slimmer partners and has got increasingly jealous and obsessed with you not being the same PLUS already issues in his family about it as you pointed out PLUS already had a preference for slim with his exes (and he ended it with one who got to size 14) which he has tried to keep buried for a time

You need to tell him you are not attracted to someone who is cruel and shallow. You should tell him you do not intend to go on a diet to please him. You will think over whether you want to divorce him but will be remaining in your home for now. I would also be saying that you will consult a solicitor to find out how much you can expect to receive as a financial settlement. He needs to know that he cannot walk all over you.

@mumznet

was he just having a bad day? . guys say and think all sorts of things, I wouldn;t worry with one remark see how it goes, if it continues then he wants you to leave him. but keep waiting to see how it goes. Afterall its not worth to end things abruptly in my opinion.

Ooops, the husband’s just turned up!

I don't for a second believe that he's always felt this way, but even assuming he has (he hasn't), he's telling you that he married you seven months ago knowing he didn't find you physically attractive and wasn't in love with you? What an unthinkably, staggeringly selfish thing to do that would be. Cruel.

He's an arsehole OP. You sound lovely - please don't let that make you naive to the fact that he is very likely to turn cold and mean when he realises you see him for the dick he is.

Yes, I think he has developed feelings for someone else but is too scared or unable to act on them. That’s why he’s horny and wanted to have sex but is also telling you these things. He’s feeling that his life is somehow lacking in passion (grass is greener), he’s missing out and he’s blaming you for it.

Either way, I think if you stay with him he will eventually have an affair or start to treat you with even more disdain.

You sound very lovely and deserve more!

He sounds like an abusive controlling prick.

Get your ducks in a row as they say. Tell your mum, have a good cry, then start looking for solicitors and get legal advice. You might not have paid towards the mortgage, but you've feed him and paid for his heating and electricity for five years. Get evidence of what you have paid.

www.simpsonmillar.co.uk/media/my-name-is-not-on-the-mortgage-what-are-my-rights/

Do what he says . So as from tomorrow calorie count, exercise, weigh yourself and always have your tape measure in hand don't forget to ask him every day what to wear and how you look in things make sure you take note of his replies and make the necessary adjustments. Hide your tears. Tie your pinny on tight and be a good wife. Is that what you want to hear? Or maybe you might like him to kick him into tomorrow and get a new life full of freedom and adventure and people loving you for you.

I wonder has he reconnected with one of his exes, one who got away, one who's congratulated him on his marriage and it's spiralled. If he's at work with men, and at home with you, and not gay, why would he change after 7 months of marriage? He has a notion that the grass is greener elsewhere, maybe with someone from his past? He's behaved terribly, regardless of what has gone on, things you can't ever possibly know, leave him, tell everyone, and start the ball rolling into divorce. It's not going to be easy or pain-free, but you'll look back and be proud you did it.

As others have said, go and get some legal advice and don't be bought off with a month's rent on a property or other similar token amount. The fact he's even suggesting this makes it very, very likely there's someone else in the picture he's just waiting to move in once you're conveniently out of the way.

And if he's using your weight as an excuse ( and it is an excuse) to come out with such mean nonsense as he's spouting, what the heck would he do if your appearance changed because you got sick, say?

Tell your mum or other people you trust, let the shock out with a good cry, punch a pillow and pretend it's him, whatever it takes to release that emotion.

And then get a good solicitor so he doesn't get to leave you high and dry financially.

He's a waste of space and you deserve so much better.

That sounds really tough x

Get rid of him. Your marriage should be much deeper than how much you weigh!!!!! He is shallow as a puddle

Is he Mr World, the UKs answer to Brad Pitt.
How much weight does he need to loose.
What a disgusting figure of a man.

Has he been watching those awful ‘pick up technique’ videos online? Where they teach men how to do Negging? It sounds like he’s trying to break you right down so you are ‘grateful’

I see a bright, beautiful and happy future for you OP, one with as many pancakes as you want & with no asshat husband

I'm so sorry op

Tell him to sling his hook, Cheeky F**ker! Size 14 isn't fat!!

@Itsmeandhim

Is he Mr World, the UKs answer to Brad Pitt. How much weight does he need to loose. What a disgusting figure of a man.

The OP has already said he is slim. As another poster said, even if the OP's husband is Mr World/Brad Pitt, it doesn't alter the fact that he is a nasty piece of shit who should not be issuing a weight loss ultimatum

We’ve had a massive conversation and he’s admitted even if I lose the weight he’s just not feeling a spark with me and just sees me as a friend no matter how hard he tries to pretend otherwise. He definitely wants a divorce and has said he will give me enough £ to move on properly. I suggested counselling etc but he’s adamant he won’t have those sorts of feelings for me no matter what we try. He said he proposed and married me as he desperately wanted it to work as Im his best friend but he can’t force it anymore. He’s been very apologetic about the things he said at the weekend and said he was self sabotaging and it was wrong