Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

My BIL left my sister and told her he would come back if she lost weight, she didn't Asians it did comeame out he was cheating but she met BIL 2 who and is far happier than she ever was with BIL 1.

The pancake day story is so upsetting, OP. He thinks he's gained control of your body? He's shown you who he is, walk away quickly. This would be the start of a lifetime of abuse.

I’m so sorry. No don’t lose weight for him. If he loves you he loves you, you don’t put conditions on someone’s love like lose 2 stone. Most men do usually have someone else when they drop a bombshell like this

Oh my gosh, OP. This is one of the worst things I've ever read on here. What cruel and abusive behaviour from your husband. Definitely tell your family and friends. Don't take his shaming and gaslighting to heart, and don't take his begging and gaslighting apologies to heart when they come, either. At least you know who he really is now.

I know a quick way you could lose 12 stone! LTB.

He was turned on by your distress. That's seriously fucked up behaviour.

It's one of the more disturbing things I've ever read on MN. I'm not one to say LTB, but this is so abusive and sick that I honestly couldn't spend another day with him.

He thinks he loves you as a best friend but treated you like utter shit and criticised you so much you had a panic attack? Have you ever treated a friend like that? I haven't

@Robinred81 this man sounds awful - I don't think you should be losing weight for him. Your weight really isn't the problem. I think you need to get out of there now and have some space and time to think - if you get on with parents go there or a good friend or even a hotel. But get away from him now (not for good - just to get some space). And get a counsellor ASAP to help you process this and work out how to deal with it. I'm inclined to think LTB as everything he has said is so cruel and weird and head-fucky, but equally it sounds so leftfield after 7 years of happinesss. I'd also tell him you suggest he gets thearpy to work out what he wants.

Yes you should make a big effort to lose weight the weight of him omg how DARE he!!!

The sex was just a used to quiet you.

OP, this is awful. I'm so sorry. Whatever you do, never let yourself think that the problem is your weight. The problem is that he lied to you, so rather than dictating what you need to change about your body, he really ought to be asking himself, "How can I make sure I have honest respectful relationships in future?" Has he said anything like that? Shown even a shred of self-awareness and insight? When you get married, you marry your partner as they are, not as you hope they might become. It isn't the Build-a-Bear factory.

Speaking as someone who lost many many years to a vicious eating disorder, don't even entertain the possibility of losing weight for him. It sounds as if you're hoping he'll feel guilty and remorseful when you're miserable and unable to eat, and while I can understand that urge, it's self-destructive. It also means you're being drawn into an unhealthy dynamic where you manipulate each other into getting what you want.

You need to keep the focus on him - his deceit, his callousness, his controlling behaviour. What, if anything, is he going to change?

One cheeky bastard,no words!!!

Not quite the point, but a few posters have said 'Who does he think he is? Idris Elba? George Clooney?etc
The fact is, the most shaggable man in the world would still be an utter shit to behave like the OP's husband.
And I think we've had enough 'Lose 12 stone.....by ditching the bastard' comments. It's not even original.

@WallaceinAnderland
You might be entitled to half the house. You are married and your income has paid towards household costs the whole time. Call a solicitor and ask for financial advice in the event of a separation. They will be able to talk you through it.

@TheRealityCheque
Absolute delusion.
I guarantee you will pay more in legal fees than the settlement if you fight him.
Ask him for £5k and walk away with your head held high.

Make it £20K, and tell him it's for distress at having to put up with his small todger all these years..

I do think you’re doing the right thing not telling your family just yet. As that happened to me, not the same circumstances at all but I went to stay with my mum when furious with my partner and when I decided to go back and give things another go she made it incredibly difficult for me, it ended up being the end of the relationship. Bit more to it than that but your parents sound like my mum would be, so be 1000% sure before you do go there. I’d never go to my mum in an emergency again for this reason. I do think you should leave him by the way, but do it because you are certain not because family make it difficult for you to backtrack

@Robinred81, the big red flag here is the threat to hang himself.

The rest of the flags are red too, and flapping wildly Only somebody exceptionally cold and callous would say what he has said to you, out of the blue.

His weight and body shape would suggest an eating disorder on his part.

I think you're dealing with some who is very disturbed and who deep down hates and fears women.

The inheritance couldn't come at a better to e for you. Cut your losses here. He will move on and eventually do what he has done to you to another woman.

Op I only read your posts, so don't know what pp said, but this is case book abusive narcissistic behaviour. The fact he's turned on by your reaction, controlling behaviour (you can have a pancake, will take you to a holiday if you lose weight etc), and all this happening after years of hiding his true self.
Run op, run! You're not overweight, and even if you were, this isn't love. If you stay, your self esteem will be eroded slowly, you'll feel trapped, you'll think no-one else can love you. None of it should happen. You're young, child free, all of this will be a bad dream really soon. Don't pitty yourself, don't cry and give him satisfaction. turn it all into the rightful anger you should feel to have the energy to pack up. What a disgusting self righteous little man.

Oh, and so many red flags. The fact that you can describe the size of the two exes and the reasons why they were dumped. He shouldn't even be talking about his exes, never mind what dress size they are. His being turned on by your distress.

Appearance isn't that important to men, but manipulation can be. Sex doesn't feel any different for a man with someone a size 10 and someone a size 14. Men marry women of all shapes and sizes and its generally only very, very wealthy men who are this picky about women being thin and even then there are plenty of examples of very wealthy men who have been with one perfectly ordinary sized woman all their lives and who are perfectly happy.

Imagine if you became ill and put on weight? This man would not support you. Imagine if like many women at menopause, you put on weight, because thats what women do. Most men usually grow out of this fascination with very thin women because its often only very young women who have recently stopped being children who are very thin. Adult women tend to have curves and bottoms and breasts.

Do not be tempted to go back to this man if he produces an apology. He is a manipulative liar, and his behaviour is appalling. Do not get involved in a cycle of him upsetting you, being turned on by it, then apologising to draw you in and begin the whole cycle again.

Oh no, I'm so sorry but this is not the right person for you.

Get out now, he's unkind and easily led.

Do you trust your friend who works with him?

You can be truly happy and this isn't it. Sorry.

If your weight was a problem, he wouldn't have wanted to see you again after meeting you "in the flesh" after you met online.

If your weight was a problem, he wouldn't have asked you to move into his house with him.

If your weight was a problem, he wouldn't have asked you to marry him.

If your weight was a problem he wouldn't have married you.

Something has changed - you are the same size as you were on your first date, first shag, wedding day. So its not your size thats the problem, changing that won't fix the problem. The problem is with him.

See a solicitor, sort your paperwork. Keep as much of your wage out of a joint account. Change passwords on any savings accounts in your name.

Sadly, if he was aroused by his power to hurt/control you, like it sounds, he may do it again especially if you seem to recover too quickly/well. Even if you take time to think, watch for any sign of repetition or escalation, like criticising other personal things like sexual performance or his friends/family's opinions of you - other things that are isolating, provoke shame and self blame. And watch for comments to be made increasingly offhandedly, like they're self evident and everyday. If this happens, he won't stop, you need to leave.

I stuck with someone like this for three years and the emotional scars are still there years later. Wish I'd left after the first incident.

OP I am so sorry for what you're going through. I know it's hard to believe after what he has said but it's not true at all. He has not always found you disgusting, he hasn't. He is trying to manipulate and bully you. I bet he's had his head turned at work. You are ENOUGH and have done nothing wrong.

@EarlGreywithLemon

I’m so so sorry this is happening to you. Both my parents have a weird relationship with food and weight - my mother regarding both herself and everyone else, my father only regarding women. He didn’t seem to mind the times he was medically overweight himself (though my mother was onto him like a hawk). In short, I’ve been weight bullied by them all my life, although I’m quite a slim build and never went past a size 10. I developed disordered eating which went on for a few years, until thankfully a few life events helped me come out of that. My daughter was only a few months old and exclusively breast fed when my parents started saying she was “fat” (she wasn’t), and told me I should see a doctor about “how much I’m feeding her”. Needless to say I put a firm stop to all that and ignored them. What I’m trying to say is that, even if a disordered attitude to weight is the real reason behind his behaviour and not an excuse for, say, an affair - it’s still a toxic, damaging, horrible way you to live. The pancake comment for example is straight from the book of my mum and dad. Don’t lose weight for him, don’t put up with it. He is the one with a problem, not you!!

Honestly my parents are exactly the same and it has really damaged not only my relationship with food but my self esteem.

@YellowAndGreenToBeSeen

I asked him why he has sex with me regularly and is always calling me beautiful etc if he only sees me as a friend. He said he just thought it was the nice thing to do as he cares about my happiness but deep down he never meant it

Absolutely no coming back from that for me.

So sorry OP.

Agree with this, so, so sorry

Get out now OP. This man will pick and pick you apart for the rest of your life, where will it stop?