Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

@jytdtysrht

Better wasting 7 months + relationship length than your whole life on this lying loser.

So true! So many people continue in crap relationships because they feel that they are throwing away something in which they've invested X amount of time but the reality is, by staying in an unsatisfactory relationship you're wasting your future which could be so much better. Ditch the dickhead and count yourself lucky that you escaped early on in the marriage.

@Lambkin689

Where did he get the idea that sexual attraction is the foundation for marriage? Last time I checked, wedding vows are form the basis of a marriage... I.e. A public commitment to be faithful to one another until the day you die. Not until you gain weight.

Literally. Men are stupid - they think marriage means women have to put up with their shit but don't realise it means they also committed to their wife for life. Not until they cba anymore.

My husband did the similar to me, and to cut a long story short, he’d developed feelings for a work colleague.
The things he said and did left my self esteem on the floor and like you, I did not think it possible that I could ever date again.
Almost 2 years later, I’m in the process of divorce and selling our home, which we still share as I refused to leave. He offered to ‘buy me out’.. but why should I? He chose this path, he can live in it. I have picked myself up, I socialise with friends and I’m seeing someone.
It’s early days, but trust me, you need to let him go. He’s ruined the relationship, he’s treated you appallingly.. you deserve better. Know your worth!

What an arsehole, I am so sorry you are going through this!

You deserve to be treated so much better

Blimey, he told you to lose 2 stones so he’d fancy you again? Is he Idris fucking Elba or something? No, sweetheart, just no. Something dodgy is going on, although dumping his ex because she put on weight is very telling.

No way back from this, you'll never feel confident or happy with him again. It's not a midlife crisis and he's not confused he's a prick. Tell him that it's ironic as sadly you've never found him that sexually appealing and that you've been faking it as his cock is much shorter when erect than other men you've been with and you could only consider a relationship if he could add 2 inches to it by the summer otherwise you can't see a future with him. Don't look back op, you're worth more than this. Tell your family you will feel so much better once you have.

@Robinred81

So he’s acting like nothing has happened but not being his usual chatty affectionate self like before the weekend. I’m just giving one word answers and cooking my tea

Give a two-word answer. I can think of a few.

I hope you aren't cooking anything too healthy OP. Wouldn't want him labouring under the misapprehension his little "pep talk" has worked. Prick.

The quickest way to lose weight is to drop his sad sorry ass!

As soon as I started reading your thread my first thought was "Who is she?" As PP have said. men don't make an issue out of nothing in a happy relationship.

What a nasty piece of work he is, good job you found out sooner rather than later.

I've just read the full thread and OP you are already transitioning into the powerful woman he has underestimated.

I would also add that it's sounds like he's grooming you. He's preparing you for a lifetime of abuse and this is his first attack. Telling you you're too fat to fuck then fucking you? That's narcissistic control right there. He is getting a kick out of proving to himself that he has control of you.
Why he's doing this now.... who knows. But make no mistake that he is.

You must leave. You don't know this man like you think you do. It's not your fault. Please don't be his victim.

Lose 2 stone!
What would happen if you got ill, lost your hair, lost a breast,, became disabled?
Tell him you’ll lose 12 stone. Him.
Don’t look back or waste a minute thinking about him.

He's a prick. Tell him it's over. File for divorce. Be happy

I’m so so sorry this is happening to you. Both my parents have a weird relationship with food and weight - my mother regarding both herself and everyone else, my father only regarding women. He didn’t seem to mind the times he was medically overweight himself (though my mother was onto him like a hawk). In short, I’ve been weight bullied by them all my life, although I’m quite a slim build and never went past a size 10. I developed disordered eating which went on for a few years, until thankfully a few life events helped me come out of that. My daughter was only a few months old and exclusively breast fed when my parents started saying she was “fat” (she wasn’t), and told me I should see a doctor about “how much I’m feeding her”. Needless to say I put a firm stop to all that and ignored them.
What I’m trying to say is that, even if a disordered attitude to weight is the real reason behind his behaviour and not an excuse for, say, an affair - it’s still a toxic, damaging, horrible way you to live. The pancake comment for example is straight from the book of my mum and dad. Don’t lose weight for him, don’t put up with it. He is the one with a problem, not you!!

@Robinred81

You poor thing, you must have been totally blindsided by this ❤️. I wonder if he has an eating disorder and is projecting this onto you and his previous partners. Either way I don’t see how you can come back from this. Someone who is willing to hurt you and attempt to control you like this is no good for you and will crush you eventually. Whether he loves you or not is kind of irrelevant. He will just damage you if you stay. Even if he never says another word about your weight for the rest of your life, you will always be waiting for the next time and that constant state of waiting and worry will drive you mad. I understand not wanting to leave as it’s hard to make that jump but you deserve so much better. Good luck OP ❤️ I hope you have someone you can talk to. Also, don’t let him emotionally manipulate you with threats of suicide. If he genuinely feels like that then he needs professional help.

@YoBeaches absolutely spot on.

Sounds like Vanessa Feltz' story. He demanded this of her and he didn't believe she would do it, but she lost loads of weight and he still left her for another woman

The longer you stay with him the more he will damage your self esteem.
You deserve to be loved and respected. You will be happy without him, he is abusive. I'm so sad to read these kind of threads... people can be so cruel.
Citizens advice should be able to provide solicitor details, I agree with someone who mentioned to take someone supportive with you to the solicitor.
You should also contact Women's Aid.
Sending hugs

Tell your parents.

Bloody hell, are you married to George Clooney? How lucky you are!

Seriously though, bin the loser. You're better than that.

So sorry this has happened. It doesn't really make sense so I would presume he's lying and for some reason trying to end the marriage.
You sound great and will be loved again but I don't see how you can stay with him as you will never be able to trust his feelings. And of course you could become ill or needy - where would he be then?
If it were me I would say losing (a fairly small amount of) weight to save the marriage is not acceptable and you won't do it - so if that is really what's bothering him the marriage is over. Otherwise he needs to tell you honestly what his problem is.
Keep in mind that whatever the problem is it is his problem. He sounds messed up. You are the woman he fell in love with - he is not the man you fell in love with.
Good luck.

Also half of that house is now yours.

My assessment of the situation is this...

So I don't know how or when, but he has met someone else and it's crunch time for them. He's rewriting history, to help justify what he's wanting to do here (split up), which is why it doesn't make sense and feels like your whole relationship can't have been this shit and you didn't know. It wasn't! He is feeling torn because before this other person, he was happy with you and generally thinks of himself as a good person (so this is making him feel shit about himself which he is projecting onto you).

From years of this website I'd bet money, if he seems like he's had a total breakdown/personality transplant, he's usually just a plain old cheat.

Doesn’t matter you have only been married 7 months: the relationship is considered long term (more than 5 years) as I am guessing you loved together - and can demonstrate this - before you got married?

Don’t leave the home.
Be prepared for things to become volatile and potentially physically harmful: yes say never! Not me! And then breath. Only after my ex had left, I filed for divorce and things in court didn’t go his way did he become physically abusive.

I was ashamed, in shock, and ‘the stable door blew into my face’….
(He was in the house as we tried to keep things as normal for children /contact as possible). Something otherwise very calm and civil and respectful, when the other party feels as though they have lost control, can me an abrupt end to all that you thought you knew being true.

Don’t be ashamed. Don’t provoke, but stay alert.

And take advice NOW not when he has filed. Keep hold of your marriage certificate and keep it safe - now dear lady.

PS just a thought: any chance your friend, the receptionist has a reason to cover for him?

PM me if you want to chat. At £550+VAT10 years ago, I listened hard to my lawyer’s advice and happy to share with you some pointers of things I wish I had known x

Lived not loved together!