Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

@Robinred81

So he’s acting like nothing has happened but not being his usual chatty affectionate self like before the weekend. I’m just giving one word answers and cooking my tea

because hes an arsehole

take the moral highground - there is no coming back from this

Whether you are size 6, 16 or 26 is of no fucking importance whatsoever. In the last 30 years I have been an 8 up to 14 - 8 stone to 12 stone with two pregnancies. My now exH never said one thing about my appearance - and it never occurred to me that at any point was any of it acceptable or unacceptable. It's how I was at the time. A size 14 is a fabulous curvy woman who should be appreciated and desired. Fuck him.

OP I am no expert on relationships and you have had a lot of advice and insight from people here but, I do know that if any of my adult children or step children were in the position you are in I would absolutely want them to come to me and tell me asap and I would do all I could to help them. From what you have said about your parents I’m sure they will be the same. None of this is on you. It is him. Call your Mum and go there tonight.

@Robinred81
I so understand you for not wanting to throw away years invested in relationship as i stayed so many times in bad relationshps.BUT personally I never heard of man's sexual desire as smth reversible or conditional, once its gone its gone and no amount of effort on your part would change that.I know women who thought same about plastic surgery but men did not stay. Imagine you start to lose weight which under stress maybe difficult and then what he will wait for big reveal to advise if he fancies you then?What happens during your weight loss journey, he will abstain? I am struggling to picture how will it work in practice even if i took a view (not a popular one) to find arguments to save this marriage.Its a lie that he was never attracted to you, he is saying that just to hurt you for reasons known to him, but something clearly happened in his life.Some women hire PI, it usually takes a day or two to find out if you needed a concrete proof, but if no major assets worth protecting it maybe not an option for you.If you love him and now feel insecure because of his behaviour, i can see you maybe tempted to find a way to stay despite an overwhleming advice here to leave him.Thats why i think you need to tell your family sooner rather than later.

was he just having a bad day? . guys say and think all sorts of things, I wouldn;t worry with one remark see how it goes, if it continues then he wants you to leave him. but keep waiting to see how it goes. Afterall its not worth to end things abruptly in my opinion.

Hey OP, I’ve read through all your posts with a sinking feeling of dread.

My sister was in a very similar dynamic for years with her ex. It started a year or so after they got together, with him saying he’d fallen out of love with her “because of the weight”. (She was a petite size 14.) She lost weight - was 8/10 at one point - but it was never enough. The next thing was her having a flatter stomach / a rounder bum / more toned limbs. “If only you had X, I’d fancy you again.”

The comments weren’t constant but every few months - enough to chip, chip, chip away at her self esteem. It was part of a controlling, co-dependent dynamic that grew worse each year. Every time she reached breaking point and packed her bags, he would collapse and beg her to stay, saying she was his soul mate, he couldn’t live without her, etc. So she’d give him one more chance and the cycle would begin again.

It took her well over a decade to be rid of him - and only because HE finally finished the relationship after meeting someone else. The truth of their relationship came out after they broke up. We couldn’t believe it - they seemed happy and in love, for the most part. And in every other part of her life my sister was kick-ass: feisty, funny, super successful. But emotionally she was a wreck after all the years of his mind games and manipulations and had to have months and months of therapy before she could begin to let him go.

I really do hope you find your way to be free before your husband causes the kind of harm my sister experienced.

(The even more tragic end to my sister’s tale is that a year after the breakup, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She died 18 months after that. So while I am (and all her loved ones are) still bitter that she wasted so much of her life on that emotional vampire, I’m grateful she found freedom in the end.)

@mumznet

was he just having a bad day? . guys say and think all sorts of things, I wouldn;t worry with one remark see how it goes, if it continues then he wants you to leave him. but keep waiting to see how it goes. Afterall its not worth to end things abruptly in my opinion.

You cannot be serious!

I agree he could be gay. You said his father made some horrible sexist comment about another woman’s weight. Is he generally domineering and prejudiced? Would it be very hard for your DH to come out to his family? Sadly many closeted gay men marry women who they see as friends in the hope they can ‘turn’ them, but of course that doesn’t happen. It’s not your weight that’s the issue, it’s your womanliness. He’s tried, he knows he’s failed, and he’s blaming you because he can’t face owning up to who he really is.

The only "weight" you need to lose is this pathetic man!

I just feel like surely if he was gay or had met someone else he would be ending the relationship fully and trying to kick me out asap instead of the whole “lose the 2 stone by summer and we’ll potentially be able to make things work”

Because he’s gaslighting you - he put the seed in your head and not it’s you that’s making a big thing out of it whilst he gets to be the ‘nice’ guy.

This was never about your weight.
I can guarantee you that he’ll still try and have sex with you.

The only silver lining about this is that although you’re still a bit confused you are very intelligent and know it’s not right and it doesn’t make sense.
Many women would have been so ashamed that they just automatically did whatever their partner said.

It’s the flipping between saying something so cruel and then being nice, acting normal and wanting to have sex with you that’s giving the biggest red flags.

I’d be thinking about other behaviours he’s done in the past, especially since you’ve been married, which could have been gaslighting or controlling.
I’d feel like reaching out to his exes even.

Don’t lose weight, lose him.

You will NEVER regret it. You deserve better. He will get worse, you need to plan your exit OP.

Im so sorry this has happened to you , I think
I think he's either met someone or hoping to or online dating and hoping to and being nasty to you is his way of making himself feel better and an attempt to clear the way for the new woman
Don't move out
Don't loose weight - size 14 is great
Get legal advice ASAP
Get your share of the house value , if houses are affordable better to have your half to purchase rather than rent
Don't make excuses for him , he's foul and doesn't deserve you
Don't listen to his excuses , his backtracking, his nasty evil scummy reasons
Tell your friends and parents , you deserve to have someone at your side in real life ,
You are NOT at fault here, you have done absolutely nothing wrong , do not cross examine yourself .
Do not be humiliated , you are not in the wrong you have done nothing to be sorry or humiliated about - he should be ashamed of himself but obviously won't be because he's not capable of realising what he had said and done is shameful
Don't bother trying to second guess his motives for any of this , just watch your back , get your paperwork in order and make your own plans
Don't be generous to him in any way , he's undeserving of any kind act
Don't give him a second chance , you cannot trust him ever again , he's already proved this fact
Please stay strong and gather your friends and family around you

My ds exh started hitting her a few months after they married. They had dated a couple of years previously. A few red flags but nothing 'tangible.' She was so shocked and he was so sorry that she decided to stay and give him another chance. Fifteen years later she eventually left the marriage with two very distressed children. She thinks that by staying after that first time, she lost her power, and then, increasingly lost her resolve over the years. Leave now.

I also agree with pp saying he has an unhealthy relationship with food/body image and that this is deep rooted. In any case, it sounds like you cannot help him and he needs expert help.

Domestic abuse isn’t always physical. He is abusive and will only get worse over time.

Please get advice on what you are entitled to in terms of splitting assets.

@saltedCalamine, I'm so sorry reading your post, your poor sister going through all that 😔.

Legal advice. So sorry you are going through this. You paid bills and food so he could pay mortgage. It's a short marriage but a longer relationship. I'd suggest you are entitled to a share of the equity. If he hadn't hoodwinked you you'd have your own house by now. It's got more expensive to get on the property ladder. What a shame he knows about your dad's inheritance but that's still your dad's money.

7month marriage 6 year relationship, no children. It's not a certainty you'd get a share of equity. Worth finding out. 7 years is not to be sniffed at.

Thanks NoSleepNoSleep. It makes me weep to tell her story. But she’d be glad for me to tell it, if it helps one person.

Ps....
Please make sure your father does not give you anything from his inheritance until you have a Consent Order all signed off (and a Decree Absolute).

Get legal advice PDQ.
Good luck x

Grim that he was turned on by your distress.

@Robinred81

I just feel like surely if he was gay or had met someone else he would be ending the relationship fully and trying to kick me out asap instead of the whole “lose the 2 stone by summer and we’ll potentially be able to make things work”. Just heard him arrive home. I’m upstairs working so he won’t disturb me for a bit

Obviously I have no idea if he’s gay or not…

It might be done thing else entirely…

But In some ways it would make perfect sense that he was gay if he’s saying things like ‘lose two stone and then I might fancy you’

If he’s been trying to repress a part of himself or deny his true feelings… then it would make sense that he’s been very carefully keeping up a facade and said all ‘the right things’ and writing ‘all the right things’ in valentines cards and made sure he did all the right things that I’ve would traditionally expect of a straight guy… getting down on one knee and proposing, getting married, having lots of great and regular sex etc etc.

It would make sense that he feels confused about his feelings and all his previous relationships have fizzled out or he’s just drifted apart from the woman he’s dated.

If he can’t accept his true feelings and is lying to himself… then it makes perfect sense that he needs to find fault elsewhere and convince himself (and everyone else, including you), that the real problem is an external one (you and your appearance), not an internal one (that’s he’s gay).

Again, he might not be gay… it could be a million different things… but my point is that his behaviour would actually make sense if he was gay.

If he is gay (and can’t accept that) then it would make sense that he needs to believe you are the problem not him.

He would need to find unrealistic standards and make irrational assertions (like claiming he has never fancied you because of your weight) and self sabotaging behaviour, like wrecking his relationships just when they are at their most stable and seemingly permanent… and trying to make himself believe that he’s not gay… instead he has to claim that you are not making yourself attractive enough and ‘if only’ you were two stone lighter then he would magically start to feel sexual attraction…

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you.

Nobody apart from him knows the truth and maybe he himself is in complete denial about whatever it is.

But keep sharing here if it helps, and remember you’re not alone and this will not last. You can survive this and you are always just one decision away from a completely different life

What a hideous thing to do to someone. I’m so sorry.

Make sure you get copies of all the paperwork, bills, bank statements, mortgage, pay slips, pensions etc. Everything. Do it when he’s at work tomorrow.

I would leave him, that's borderline abuse in my mind.
It doesn't sit right the whole situation, nor does it make any sense - but I doubt it ever will.
Truthfully though, you need to follow your own heart. I am gutted this is happening to you, it's hard to potentially walk away after such a period of time, but objectively, if someone told me I needed to lose 2 stone I think I'd want to punch them
Massive hugs to you

You should tell him you'll lose two stone, when he puts on two stone in muscle.

Definitely get legal advice from a family law solicitor. Save them time by putting together a summary of all the assets/debts/income etc. Consult Rightmove about what you would need to buy your own place and how much deposit you’d need for a manageable mortgage on your salary.

Right, let’s get one thing straight here. He’s supposed to love you for you, not the size you are. I’ve been with my other half for over ten years. In that time, I’ve been morbidly obese (132kg and 6ft) and rib cage showing skinny (74kg and obvs still 6ft), and anywhere in between. My other half has never, not once, reacted to me in any way other than insatiable. He still tells me I’m beautiful almost every day.

You. Do. Not. Need. To. Lose. Weight. For. Your. Husband.

If he’s not attracted to you, he’s not attracted to you. Fine. That’s not something that either of you can control. It’s not his fault.

But it is equally not your fault. For him to put it on you and demand you go on a diet to change who you are so he can ‘see if he fancies you’…well, if this was Reddit’s AITA thread, he, most certainly, would be the asshole.

I hate to say it, but how attractive is he going to find you with a mum tum and scraggy-ended hair as you juggle screaming toddlers, a career and running a household in a few years? (spoiler alert, soz!).

You guys sound like you need a proper conversation about what is underlying this pronouncement…but please don’t, for one second, take this on yourself. You are you and he’s damn lucky to have you.