Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

@Robinred81

So he’s acting like nothing has happened but not being his usual chatty affectionate self like before the weekend. I’m just giving one word answers and cooking my tea

That kind of behaviour comes under the category of abusiveness marked ‘gaslighting’, OP.

@WallaceinAnderland

You might be entitled to half the house. You are married and your income has paid towards household costs the whole time. Call a solicitor and ask for financial advice in the event of a separation. They will be able to talk you through it.

Absolute delusion.

I guarantee you will pay more in legal fees than the settlement if you fight him.

Ask him for £5k and walk away with your head held high.

I did 143 tries. DH came home, showed him the game and he got it IN ONE TRY! He thinks he's clever as anything now but he had all my green words to help him 😅

I left my husband due to DV and went to my mum's with the kids.

His mate came round and said he's so sorry and says he's going to kill himself, was he fuck, he re-married within two years and never saw our children again.

He’s lying - there’s no way he would have been with you all of this time and get married to you if he felt this way.

Either he’s trying to knock your confidence because he feels threatened for some reason and knows you can do better than him, so he’s making sure you’re grateful that’s he’s with you.

Or he’s done with the relationship and he’s using this as an excuse to end the relationship guilt free as it’s ‘your fault’.

He could just fancy another girl not necessarily be having an affair.
The ex girlfriends are a bit of a red flag for me - they weren’t good enough for him so he either has commitment issues (which I doubt as he wouldn’t get married) or he could even be gay.

Kick him out.
Even if you lost weight he’ll never be satisfied and you’ll always be worrying about putting on a few lbs.

@SouperNoodle

I did 143 tries. DH came home, showed him the game and he got it IN ONE TRY! He thinks he's clever as anything now but he had all my green words to help him 😅

Wrong thread!

But I know exactly which one you meant to post on 🤣

Oh god. Seriously, even if you do what he wants do you really think you will be happy with him after this

@SouperNoodle

I did 143 tries. DH came home, showed him the game and he got it IN ONE TRY! He thinks he's clever as anything now but he had all my green words to help him 😅

Oops wrong thread sorry

@MrsElm 😂🙈

Tomorrow while he's out at work pack your stuff and leave. Its unlikely you'll get much in the divorce but you can keep your dignity and leave he will shit himself. Op can you really see yourself ever being able to forget what he said. Even if he says he didn't mean it you'll never forget. Leave on your own terms and file for divorce

My word. Whatever will he do when you age? I mean, assuming you lose your weight and he does find you attractive in the short term. Then he asks you to start dyeing your hair, wearing more make up or having magical facial thimgummies. Of course, you’ll need to keep that weight off, too, to make him happy. Then he wants you to have a facelift and filler. Where will you draw the line?

It’s your body. He has absolutely no right to ask it of you. He’s an entitled, over privileged arse who needs telling that you are a real, grown up individual person, not a doll he can shape to his sexual preferences and he can take it or leave it. Although I’d suggest leaving it myself. Men really need to learn on both and individual and societal level that they do not have any rights over women’s bodies, and that there are consequences for not recognising that. Namely, bachelorhood.

Please seek legal and financial advice when you divorce his sorry arse.

@Chattycatty

Tomorrow while he's out at work pack your stuff and leave. Its unlikely you'll get much in the divorce but you can keep your dignity and leave he will shit himself. Op can you really see yourself ever being able to forget what he said. Even if he says he didn't mean it you'll never forget. Leave on your own terms and file for divorce

I completely agree with this. Take some time off work, go home and tell your parents. You need real life support.

@Boopeedoop

Sorry lovely. This is just abuse.

Whatever his reasons are it doesn't matter.

He was turned on by your distress. That's seriously fucked up behaviour.

That last comment is very astute and genuinely disturbing.

I think asking HIM to leave is a good idea.

Your update about the sex on Saturday is utterly chilling.

I don't think you know this man at all.

I believe too that you are possibly being trained, destabilised, conditioned to accept terrible behaviour.

Tell your mother the truth.
Tell friends the full truth.

Bring a parent with you to a solicitor.

I cannot stress how shocking this thread is.

He sounds like a very dangerous individual.

You poor woman.

This has made me so angry. I'm speechless.

*He’s lying - there’s no way he would have been with you all of this time and get married to you if he felt this way.

Either he’s trying to knock your confidence because he feels threatened for some reason and knows you can do better than him, so he’s making sure you’re grateful that’s he’s with you.

Or he’s done with the relationship and he’s using this as an excuse to end the relationship guilt free as it’s ‘your fault’.*

This, there's something going on with him.

"Best' case scenario he's watching porn, become brain washed and wants a skinnier woman.

Its interesting that he's tried to coerce you to change your figure, but when you wouldn't give in and suggested separation, he's shat himself, panickrd and moved quickly into heavy duty emotional blackmail.
Rather unstable.

In any case tell him you'd like him to get a 6 pack, even though he's never had one, because if he doesnt; you feel like you can only see him as a friend abd not fancy him. Tell him he has 2 yrs to get it,bit not you'll reevaluate the marriage then.

Where did he get the idea that sexual attraction is the foundation for marriage? Last time I checked, wedding vows are form the basis of a marriage... I.e. A public commitment to be faithful to one another until the day you die. Not until you gain weight.

Oh OP, I can only imagine how you're feeling right now. It is so hard to get your head around the fact that all of a sudden, the person you loved most is a complete stranger. This takes time to process so don't be surprised that your emotions are all over the place.

Whatever has led him to this the fact is, this is where you're now at. And his behaviour is hideous. Telling you he'll only have feelings for you when you've met his impossibly high standards. Well, how dare he?

It's easy for us to say because we're not in the situation you're in, but my love, walk away with your head held high. He's killed your relationship already and there's no coming back from it. Those words can't be undone.

Walk away, head held high, go to your mums and be honest about what he's said and take all their outrage and anger and disbelief to heart, because it'll help reassure you that he has behaved outrageously.

Trust me when I say you will NEVER regret leaving a man like this, no matter how much it hurts right now.

You dont owe him fucking up your own life to make this easier for him.

Book to see a solicitor and see what your legal position is, take as much info with you- how long you've lived in the house, what you have contributed, both to the house and shared living expenses. Details of your income and your husbands. Savings, pensions, investments etc. You don't need to commit to a divorce straight away, just find out your position. (I think you've got to wait a year after thr wedding before you can get divorced, although that might have changed.)

@Robinred81

I didn’t mention this before as it makes me sound so pathetic but on Saturday after he blurted everything out, a few hours later I was upstairs having a panic attack and really sobbing. He came upstairs to console me and managed to calm me down as I was completely losing it. He then started kissing me passionately and telling me how he just wanted to rip my clothes off. I was so upset and confused by what was going on and all I wanted was for him to want to be with me again at that moment in time so I stupidly had sex with him. He was telling me he loved me and he was sorry and he does want to make our marriage work. After the sex I asked if he had changed his mind and took back what he had said to me that morning. He said “no I still feel the same way but I’m just confused about my feelings”. I obviously won’t be having sex with him again or letting him manipulate me into it but the more I think about it the more confusing his behaviour has been - almost like he is literally having some sort of mental break down?! I’ve never felt so confused in my life by someone’s behaviour towards me. Thanks for all of you giving such kind advice as seeing it written down has made me properly realise how abusive and evil he is being. It’s sometimes hard to see it myself as I probably delude myself at times

Really hope you used contraception otherwise matters could be even worse.

@Robinred81 please please please don’t think of this as your issue. It isn’t. Do not justify your weight, size, life to us or him.

You need to lose HIS weight. And be free of someone using emotional blackmail and control. His messaging to you is horrific.

He was turned on by your distress. That's seriously fucked up behaviour.

^^ This is so true. He’s horrible.

@jytdtysrht

You also shouldn’t be concerned about what people think about the marriage ending. Being embarrassed means you allow him to treat you this way. Say it how it is and bin this cheating, awful man.

I agree. It doesn't matter if a marriage only lsts one day - if it is wrong, the wise thing is to get out of it as soon as possible.

A PP said that some men wait until they are married to begin the abuse. This is a known behaviour pattern. They calculate you are more likely to submit because you don't want to risk losing face or having the 'shame' of a failed marriage. There is zero shame in choosing happiness and autonomy. The seduction of you while you were sobbing is grotesque OP. He's shown you what he is capable of. Don;t hang around to check.

What an insensitive man. I’d be saying see that door your out.. a size 14 is a normal size fgs oh and happily have sex with you a few times a week. He’s making excuses