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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

999 replies

Robinred81 · 28/02/2022 11:25

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

OP posts:
Lookingforatimeslip · 28/02/2022 18:14

He sounds like an absolute prick! I would go to your parents and file for divorce.

cherryonthecakes · 28/02/2022 18:14

I hope that you're not going on a diet in the hope that he'll start loving you. Please eat whatever dinner or pancakes that you fancy. Even if you lose the 2 stone he's going to have your self esteem in the gutter and ask you yo change more and more things while asking for sex too.

sisuwasabellend · 28/02/2022 18:14

@sundaydayisnotmyfundayday

Ahhhh ok so he wants to dip his wick and is too much of a coward to end your relationship so he is trying to get you to do it.

so do it.

This is your answer. Spot on.
Lampzade · 28/02/2022 18:15

@Robinred81

So he’s acting like nothing has happened but not being his usual chatty affectionate self like before the weekend. I’m just giving one word answers and cooking my tea
He is an insecure man who is trying to control you.
Coffeencrochet · 28/02/2022 18:16

OP you can do with losing more than 2 stone - lose the 'D'H and stay as you are.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 28/02/2022 18:17

@Drawerofcrap

The weight is just an excuse to make him feel better about what he's doing.... he's just trying to justify treating you badly by saying he never fancied you, etc. Typical cheater's script, I think.
I think this too, but even if he isn't, he's not in it for the long haul if his love is dependent on your weight. It means you can never rely on him, if you ever got ill, or had an accident, he won't be there for you. He's a selfish prick (or a cheat).
Purple777 · 28/02/2022 18:17

Good grief he is vile. Please get your affairs in order, if you have a joint bank account I'd be making some large purchases or withdrawals 'for essentials'.

Speak with a solicitor and divorce him

OP you do not lead to lose weight, you sound entirely normal. Enjoy your life, ideally away from you soon to be ex husband.

AsymQuestion · 28/02/2022 18:17

@HippoRaine

The OPs weight isn't the problem here, the OPs disgusting, manipulative arsehole husband is the problem.

Discussing heights and weights and clothes sizes and BMI and the rest of the shit isn't helpful at all, the OP is a human being not a collection of measurements to be judged as acceptable or not acceptable by anybody.

Yes! Absolutely this.

And the 'lose the weight for you' type messages. No. It's still buying into that absolute bullshit that she could in fact still step towards being 'better' if she did. No. She doesn't need to, at all.

This man's stupid brain could do with losing the gargantuan weight of his hideous misogynistic, selfish, entitled, narcissistic, lying, stupid thoughts. That's the only weight required measuring.

2bazookas · 28/02/2022 18:18

You've had a happy sex life for seven years at your same weight and shape and its only 7 months since you married.

So it makes no sense that your size is his problem, and I don't believe for one minute that losing 2 stone would make any difference. He would still be the same; whatever is wrong would still be buried, denied and unresolved.

If he has been adrift for some time, maybe he felt he was drowning; choked it out to you, then got into a real panic about telling you the real problem and tried to sidestep with an invented excuse.

I 'd suggest he gets some counselling to help him recognise and understand his behaviour and be more honest with himself.

WallaceinAnderland · 28/02/2022 18:18

You might be entitled to half the house. You are married and your income has paid towards household costs the whole time. Call a solicitor and ask for financial advice in the event of a separation. They will be able to talk you through it.

DONOTBEME87 · 28/02/2022 18:18

@Robinred81

So he’s acting like nothing has happened but not being his usual chatty affectionate self like before the weekend. I’m just giving one word answers and cooking my tea
He is destroying you, please don't be the person I was, it is awful. I so wish that first time I had found the strength to just walk away!
Boopeedoop · 28/02/2022 18:18

Sorry lovely. This is just abuse.

Whatever his reasons are it doesn't matter.

He was turned on by your distress. That's seriously fucked up behaviour.

THEDEACON · 28/02/2022 18:19

Tell him to fuck off and when he gets there to fuck off a bit further Put him out and throw his belongings out after him

Sceptre86 · 28/02/2022 18:19

You deserve a lot better and my heart goes out to you. Your head must be all over the place, sounds so confusing. What is clear is that he is being honest with uou? he doesn't geelong that spark. Some people can live without it but would you really want to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your days. No, you deserve someone who loves you the way that you love them. If course it's scary starting over but don't deny yourself the chance at true happiness because you are fearful. Best of luck op.

Tittyfilarious81 · 28/02/2022 18:19

Op this has been awful to read ,it's absolutely not you and losing weight would not change anything at all. The way he's behaving is manipulative and it's emotional abuse to crush you and then act like nothing is wrong . Please put yourself first and end this relationship.

FizzyBizz · 28/02/2022 18:21

I’d tell him to fuck off and see a solicitor. He sounds nuts.

Cakeandcardio · 28/02/2022 18:23

Please also eat!! Don't let him make you starve yourself. And don't make dinner for him!!

EKGEMS · 28/02/2022 18:25

I well and truly would've told that son of a bitch to drop dead and hire the best divorce attorney money could buy. I know a great diet plan where you can lose 200 lbs easy-ditch the motherfucker boom you've lost the excess weight

ManonCrochan · 28/02/2022 18:26

Would love to be a fly on the wall when you tell your parents as I feel so angry on your behalf. He's such a bloody liar. It's not your weight. You're perfect.

HangOnToYourself · 28/02/2022 18:26

How dare he make you feel like this. I'm so angry on your behalf op, you must be so hurt. I echo what everyone else is saying there is more to this and he is a controlling prick. I'm so glad you are leaving Flowers

frazzledasarock · 28/02/2022 18:28

To find a solicitor look on the law society website and do a search for family law solicitor in your area.

5zeds · 28/02/2022 18:28

Ask him to book into a hotel for a week. You need some headspace

greyinganddecaying · 28/02/2022 18:29

He's an arsehole.

Tomorrow make a huge stack of pancakes. Just for you. And eat them all.

Then divorce him.

AsymQuestion · 28/02/2022 18:29

Narcissist-men-babies like this, they truly are little sad worms in that they want to try to maintain and protect their lifetime 'nice guy' /act image at any cost because they've invested so much time in it and is essential to their survival. So they will make you feel like utter dirt to push you to end it with some confusing bullshit story that has you floored. but will leave you to end it so they can lie and say its you who gave up/left - they can then, in their pea brains, still manage to frame you as the bad guy.

They could literally shag your mum, sister and nan and murder your dad and confess to you. they would still tell their mates 'yeah she won't give our marriage another go, now I want to kill myself, she's heartless'

fortunenookie · 28/02/2022 18:29

Disgusting piece of shit