Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

@Robinred81

I made a joke yesterday about how it’s pancake day tomorrow and I won’t be able to have any now I’m on a starvation diet. Stupid thing to say I know but I was probably just wanting him to reassure me or something. He replied “you can have one”. He’s being really controlling isn’t he?! I remember at the start of our relationship I was going on a bit of a health kick as I had some health issues at the time and he said something along the lines of “once you have lost the weight I will take you on holiday”. I remember thinking it was a very strange thing to say as if he was giving me conditions as to whether we would go on holiday or not. I pulled him up on it and he backtracked saying he was just trying to be supportive and didn’t mean anything by it.

Thanks for all of your advice everyone. It’s really helpful to be able to discuss all of this with outsider points of view

Having read your posts I’m now thinking he’s one of those blokes who is going to ramp up the control NOW you’re married.

It was easier for you to leave before which is why he backtracked.

Now he can be as much of a dick as he wants and I fear it’s going to get worse.

I hate to say this but he’s met someone else - make or female and has “checked out” of your relationship, by telling you it’s your fault for being overweight (btw please get that thought out of your head asap) he wants you to play the “pick me” game where you do everything in your power to try to win him back while he continues with one foot out if the door, yet not quite wanting to burn his bridges in case it doesn’t work out with the other person so he can crawl back to you .
I’ve been there , 12 years ago with a new baby my husband did exactly the same out of the blue - I spent two years desperately trying to win his affections back while he treated me like crap , carrying on an affair with his work colleague yet vehemently denying it . When I finally got the evidence I walked out with my children after two years of utter mental abuse where I firmly believed it was all my fault .
I wish I’d ended things as soon as he made his revelation .
See a solicitor and get things in order , he’s the one who should be moving into a rental the cheeky git, This is game over ,it sounds almost narcissistic the way he’s just discarded you .
No matter what is going on in the background , at the very least he’s manipulative and cruel and you deserve so much more .

I do think it's weird that so many on this thread are saying that slim size 6-10 women are 'boyish' when many are very much shaped like women and have breasts. It's odd to say grown women look like men.

I wish I could just come over with some wine and cheese and give you a hug! What an absolute bastard to say those things to you! Beyond cruel. The person you marry is supposed to love you, love all of you, every bit big or small. You are not a piece of dough to be shaped into something else. You are not a project or a problem to solve. You are you, and there is only one of you so be kind to her. It sounds like you have supportive parents. Go to them and have some comfort. Solicitors, mortgages and all things financial can come down the line. I'm a fellow anxiety sufferer and I know that sometimes it's easier to do the practical things so you feel in control, but right now just go to your parents and cry it out. This is not on you, it's not your fault and you had no way of knowing you were marrying an abusive manipulator. You sound like a nice person and I'm sorry that your husband is an absolute plum. Please have some pancakes.

@TheRealityCheque

PMSL at all these posters suggesting OP will be entitled to anything more than a token gesture from the house.

Their marriage has been shorter than a pregnancy, with no kids FFS.

Regardless of him being a knob (some of the vitriol aimed at him is laughable), a grand or two tops will be about right.

Well exactly. As I mentioned upthread, when my very short marriage ended, with no kids, and no shared finances, and I had gone into the marriage with a house plus investment properties, and he had brought precisely nothing by way of assets, he also left the marriage with precisely nothing. But he had a job, and I did help him out with a few hundred as we were amicable, and he was no worse off financially than before the marriage. In fact, as he had not had to pay any accommodation costs for a couple of years, he was better off than if he hadn't been married. It strikes me that the OP's position is similar.

Whatever said love isn't love if it's conditional on you losing 2 stone is spot on.

It sounds like there is someone else. Maybe nothing has happened yet, but I would say someone has turned his eye.

I experienced very similar a year after I got married, he was utterly vile to me about my weight. Then he would be fine, like your DH is doing. I stayed, I was desperate to make the marriage work (got married a long time ago, catholic family and I felt forced to stay). I am still married today, am I happy? No, it totally destroyed me, made me a very anxious person with zero confidence. Things would be fine for months, sometimes years, but then bang, I would receive another insult.

I too felt that he was trying to make me leave him by just being vile to me. I stayed because I was too scared too leave.

Don't be me, leave him. I often wonder what sort of person I would be had I left that very first time.

@Robinred81

I'm very sorry but it doesn't seem to be like he's having a mental breakdown at all.

It appears that he is all about control and manipulation.

I've seen many people break up and flip flop over their feelings. Heard many a cruel work spoken in angry or to attack someone when hurt but this isn't one of those occasions.

He is all about power, control. Hurting you, insulting you, using you and manipulating you. Where someone falls out of love they may don't go to these lengths to undermine your self esteem and confidence. They don't tend to be this nasty. There is something chilling about his behaviour. It's very narcastic, calculated and egocentric.

Tbh, I would say to hell with the house. You can address that legally. Just get put as he'll continue to torture you like this again and again.

Big hugs, he's a prick.

Robinred81
I made a joke yesterday about how it’s pancake day tomorrow and I won’t be able to have any now I’m on a starvation diet. Stupid thing to say I know but I was probably just wanting him to reassure me or something.
He replied “you can have one”.
He’s being really controlling isn’t he?!
I remember at the start of our relationship I was going on a bit of a health kick as I had some health issues at the time and he said something along the lines of “once you have lost the weight I will take you on holiday”. I remember thinking it was a very strange thing to say as if he was giving me conditions as to whether we would go on holiday or not. I pulled him up on it and he backtracked saying he was just trying to be supportive and didn’t mean anything by it.

Thanks for all of your advice everyone. It’s really helpful to be able to discuss all of this with outsider points of view

He’s abusing you, mentally, emotionally.. you name it , he’s a hideous piece of crap , most likely has someone else but wants to torture you emotionally as his parting gift

Good god! I'm so sorry. Get away from him before he does you any more emotional damage.

What a horrible man.

Men don't create issues for no reason.

They want an easy life.

He has cheated or he is planning too. This is all fabricated to justify that.

You need to leave him.

He’s not having a mental breakdown. He’s abusive. He just didn’t show it before. You can’t Medicate this away. You have to get away from him. Stop sleeping with him!!

Make sure you get a Financial consent order so he can't claim off you in the future once you're divorced.i.e your inheritance

@CourtRand

I do think it's weird that so many on this thread are saying that slim size 6-10 women are 'boyish' when many are very much shaped like women and have breasts. It's odd to say grown women look like men.

I hadn't seen those comments. Well that's hilariously ridiculous. Just off the top of my head, Raquel Welsh, in her heyday, must have been about a size 8. She was obviously very boyish ... I think we can all agree on that

Tell your friends and your family so that you can’t go back

He's not having a break down. He's being who he is - a horrible, abusive, controlling man. I bet his ex's have stories to tell.

Get rid. As fast as you can. He's beyond help and will never change. You'll end up a wreck if you try. Before I lost my abusive ex H I dropped to 7.5 stone. Don't wait around.

He is so very mean. What a nasty little toad. Don't let him make it seem like he's doing you a massive favour by staying with you IF you lose weight. I'm sure he's far from perfect. Maybe he should make some quick changes to his personality.

He simply wants you under his thumb so that he can do what the hell he wants. He may or may not be cheating, but it seems that he wants to control you. Wants to keep you on your toes so that you will be amenable
I am really petty. I would tell him that if you can put up with his saggy balls , dry skin and bad breath then he can put up with a few extra pounds. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Cheeky fucker

@TheRealityCheque

PMSL at all these posters suggesting OP will be entitled to anything more than a token gesture from the house.

Their marriage has been shorter than a pregnancy, with no kids FFS.

Regardless of him being a knob (some of the vitriol aimed at him is laughable), a grand or two tops will be about right.

Please don't take this sort of reply as any kind of legal advice,

In short marriages, the courts take a period of cohabitation before marriage to be part of the marriage, so it will add a period of 3 years to you marriage for the consideration of splitting of assets.

It certainly won't be a 50:50 split but he'll be in for a shock if he thinks giving you a rental deposit will be the end of his liability

@Robinred81

To answer a few questions…

1. I’ve not told my mum. Feel so scared of telling people as it makes it all more “final”. My parents will be beyond furious.

1. His body is very skinny. He’s 6ft 2 and a size 30 waist with no muscle. His ex from years ago was very petite and I asked him if he was more attracted to her and he said “yes at the time I had more of a physical attraction with her”. His last partner before me started off as a size 8-10 but she crept up to a 14 and he said that’s the reason he left her and if she hadn’t gained the weight he would likely still be with her now.

1. The house is only worth about 140k and there is 60k left of the mortgage

1. We have a spare room he can sleep in. He was trying to act last night like nothing had really happened.

MY GOD!!! I'm offended on your behalf. Do not loose weight OP. I'm shocked at his lack of filter here. The man has issues can you tell HIM to go to counselling?? He's obsessed with women's weight perhaps it's a complex of his own.

The oral sex thing is odd too I mean sorry to crude but I doubt its any bigger than someone who is a size 10 FFS.

Lastly he earns 20k more than you and he wants you to use your inheritance money .

Lots of slender women have kids and bodies change and do not go back ever sometimes what would he do then? (I KNOW YOU BOTH DONT WANT KIDS) bloody good job.

Sorry OP he has done you a favour.... get out now.

*DO. NOT. MOVE. OUT.

If he wants to live alone, he can use his ‘generous’ hmm offer and find a flat.*
THIS.
And

Please ignore him and start moving your things to the spare room and make up the bed. Get yourself something to eat and ignore him.

What an utterly horrible man. Count your lucky stars you found out now.. better late than never. And agree with those saying he's met someone else. 100%

So he’s acting like nothing has happened but not being his usual chatty affectionate self like before the weekend. I’m just giving one word answers and cooking my tea

Ditch him. Instant weight loss.
So sorry this is happening to you op. xx