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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

999 replies

Robinred81 · 28/02/2022 11:25

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

OP posts:
Sunnymummy8 · 28/02/2022 17:25

LTB!!!!!!!!

Averyproperteaparty · 28/02/2022 17:25

I’m sorry but you definitely need to lose some weight. All however many stone of him!!

What a horrible man he is. He’s probably having an affair. You don’t deserve this. 💐

Bjarnum · 28/02/2022 17:32

Lose the weight - then lose him!!

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2022 17:33

*Daydreamsinsantafe
Let’s say, for arguments sake, he isn’t Gay or adulterous as suggested but that he’s telling the truth & just isn’t attracted to you anymore. Should he not say? but he was iterally telling her she was gorgeous and having sex with her LAST WEEK and consistently for SIX YEARS whilst she looked pretty much the same.

Lies are worse than honesty no matter how brutal. Exactly, and he's been lying either for six years or he's lying now, so why are you defending him?

You absolutely do not have to lose weight, it’s your body, but I’m not sure what else he was supposed to do in this situation?. Erm, not lie for their entire relationship or make up lies now??

Maybe it’s just me but I can’t stand game playing & lies. I’d always rather be told the truth no matter how painful. this is the frigging epitome or game playing and lies. He's told her he's just pretended to fancy her for years, had sex cos she had a nice personality and he thought she'd like it. That now, suddenly, she has to diet to save the marriage (maybe) or lose him forever.

I'm not sure if you have poor comprehension skills or are just gaslighting op

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2022 17:33

@Bjarnum

Lose the weight - then lose him!!
No, lose the weight that IS him. Op didn't feel the. Eed to lose weight BEFORE her idiot husband came out as a total dickhead.
RusticChips · 28/02/2022 17:35

You deserve more, don't let anyone treat you like this, as hard as it is leave him, you will never feel the same about him its like your relationship has all been a lie 💐

Diva66 · 28/02/2022 17:35

It’s over. He has met someone else, he may not have started an affair yet. He ‘might’ love you if you change? No no no no no!

jytdtysrht · 28/02/2022 17:36

Better wasting 7 months + relationship length than your whole life on this lying loser.

fluffythedragonslayer · 28/02/2022 17:36

He is a nasty, cruel and horrible bell end. Do not give this man another second of your time or energy.

jytdtysrht · 28/02/2022 17:37

You also shouldn’t be concerned about what people think about the marriage ending. Being embarrassed means you allow him to treat you this way. Say it how it is and bin this cheating, awful man.

Moonbear10 · 28/02/2022 17:37

What a dick.
But he's right, you definitely need to lose some weight. About 13 stone, him.

So sorry OP, that must have been shattering to hear when you're not expecting it Sad

Cookiecrumblepie · 28/02/2022 17:39

Get rid of him asap, you’ve got a life to live and you will meet someone way better.

Applebrewsterstea · 28/02/2022 17:39

So sorry, it’s over in my opinion, go find a true love and don’t look backwards. Get some legal advice regarding finances too. It’s going to be hard to get over it but you will and he will be the one looking really stupid. Make sure you tell people the truth if you go your separate ways.

Best of luck.

IdentifyingAsAPrincess · 28/02/2022 17:39

I've read something like this before. I think it was possibly in 'Living with the dominator', I think the sexual controller did something like that, reducing the woman's self worth to a sexual offering, reeling her in and turning her down, insulting her body when she felt dependent on him finding her sexually attractive, seeing how far he could get her to want to keep him sweet. Gradually when she does one small thing to keep him attracted (eg lose weight), he would push her boundaries further. Turning someone down or hunting they aren't enough for you is a very effective way to have them 'grateful'. I think he underestimated you.

whenwillthemadnessend · 28/02/2022 17:40

Has he a porn addiction. Otherwise I think ltb and I do t say that lightly.

IdentifyingAsAPrincess · 28/02/2022 17:40

*hinting not hunting

HippoRaine · 28/02/2022 17:41

The OPs weight isn't the problem here, the OPs disgusting, manipulative arsehole husband is the problem.

Discussing heights and weights and clothes sizes and BMI and the rest of the shit isn't helpful at all, the OP is a human being not a collection of measurements to be judged as acceptable or not acceptable by anybody.

cannockcandy · 28/02/2022 17:43

I really wish I could reach through the Internet to give you a hug right now.
He is a massive AH and you deserve so much better than this!
Don't lose weight for this piece of crap, actually do lose weight, lose the weight of him and his pressure off your shoulders!
I'm upset, hurt and angry for you.
Sending you all the love in the world.

CognitiveDissolver · 28/02/2022 17:44

OP, I'm quite horrified by this. I like to try and work out motives for odd and unkind behaviour and usually people like this are motivated by self benefit. So what is his possible self benefit here?

It would my guess that he wants to do something, or continue to do something, that isn't normally consistent with marriage, and is softening up your boundaries to enable it or seeing whether you will put up with it. He is probably aware that such a divorce after such a short marriage will normally result in a clean break, with neither party owing the other anything, although you could make a bit of a fight if you can pay a lawyer for a small beneficial share of his house to be paid in a cash lump sum.

I have an ex who behaved in a way that might shed some light on his motives. I was in a ldr with him and I thought we were doing great, then out of the blue he ended it abruptly and cruelly. He completely cut me off, blocked me on his phone and on messaging services (although I wasn't really messaging him much) and refused to see or speak to me after his announcement (which came by phone).

Then out of the blue a year later he sent me a text message apologising for the way he had behaved, reminiscing on how good we had been together and how much he missed our relationship and saying how he just hadn't been able to talk to me about it at the time.

Like your DH, he had always been a bit snooty about womens' appearance and age, and I was 3 years older than him and always worried that he would meet someone younger when I wasn't there. He was particularly cutting about what he described as "old women" - anyone in their late fifties or older by his definition. He really was derisory about them - he worked as a dance teacher and he used to describe in quite scathing terms how they would join up after their divorce in an attempt to meet new men. I won't go on. You get my drift. I know I should have pulled him up on it. I was shocked at the time as his comments were out of keeping with what I was being fed by him.

Unknown to him, a mutual friend had by chance found out that he had got married. He kept it very secret, if she hadn't found out I would have assumed he was single. We (mutual friend and I) then turned into detectives due to curiosity and found out (from public registers, Scotland) that he had married a woman of nearly 60 (he's 41) and due to some further mutual friend FB stalking we found out that she was a very plump woman who had once been a bride from a third world country (for her first marriage). This is going to come across wrongly on mumsnet but she wouldn't be a woman who you would normally expect to marry a very handsome 41 year old with his own mortgage-free flat or to have that many options in life at all. Yada yada she has a sparking personality - she looked absolutely furious in the FB photos of their tiny wedding in a community hall.

Also found out that he had cheated on me with at least 2 other women, and I only know about them because I vaguely know them and we have mutual friends.

For balance, I'm a fitness model and we met through competing in the same sport.

Anyway, I think he has deliberately married a woman who will tolerate his cheating (and probably because she is from a third world country, will run around after him like a second mother) and if not, will divorce him and he will be none the worse off. He's behaved himself up to the wedding to get you signed up and now he's positioned you, he is testing where your boundaries lie. I really think this man shows all the signs of being a manipulative liar (he could have a mh condition but anyway lets go with being a liar) and I really think you need to get out now and keep away from him. My ex's secret wife has a property with no mortgage worth about 250k, you have your coming inheritance. Neither have fully evolved yet. Just get out, do not allow this man to erode your boundaries. It is a huge shock when you realise the man you are with is not at all what he pretended to be with you, but no-one normal says what he said to you to the woman they have just married. He has shown you who he really is.

I wondered whether he had shown you any signs of this before, or had he been particularly careful to show you how "decent" a guy he was? The more I found out about my ex, the more I could see character traits in common with men like the Tinder Swindler. This sort of thing seems to be happening more and more, I do not know what is wrong with men now.

I hope you don't think I'm projecting enough, but there is clearly a motive for his behaviour.

CookPassBabtridge · 28/02/2022 17:45

You will forever be insecure with this man. It sounds like he's always had a slight issue with it but pushed it to the back of his mind, but the way he's brought it up sounds like he's either got a crush on someone skinny or he's been looking at photos of skinny women and he's decided thats what he deserves.
Imagine how he'll be if you have kids! Because that's when the real weight goes on.

TheRealityCheque · 28/02/2022 17:47

PMSL at all these posters suggesting OP will be entitled to anything more than a token gesture from the house.

Their marriage has been shorter than a pregnancy, with no kids FFS.

Regardless of him being a knob (some of the vitriol aimed at him is laughable), a grand or two tops will be about right.

HollowTalk · 28/02/2022 17:47

Please don't worry about him having a breakdown. That's one thing that's not going to happen here. I really feel for you. If I were you I'd leave tomorrow while he's at work and wouldn't speak to him again. At the moment he thinks he can insult you and have sex with you within the same hour - he needs to learn he can't do either of those things and no, you're not his best friend either.

Lwren · 28/02/2022 17:51

If you stay you'll end up thin through anxiety and stress.
Your stomach will be in knots each time he's wants to talk.
Your life will be unbearable.
You rip the plaster off in one quick ouch, if you pull slowly you prolong the agony.
Get this plaster off. Take the pain in a big gulp. Do not stay, this is emotional abuse.

CantGetDecentNickname · 28/02/2022 17:52

OP - please do not leave the house. It belongs to both of you. It is quite likely that you would get that advice from a solicitor. The person who wants our should be the one to leave. Do move into the spare room and lock the door at night or wedge it shut so he can’t walk in on you. Don’t sleep with him or eat with him or do his washing or cooking etc. Let him have his single life back. Don’t join him in the lounge of an evening, go to your room instead or out with friends. Fill the fridge with your favourite food and eat whatever you want. Speak to him only when necessary- no chit chat - he is no longer your friend. When people love you it is for your personality not your looks. I too suspect an EA at least. Otherwise he is just incredibly shallow.

If he asks anything about your relationship say your going to file for a legal separation and will wait until the house is sold before you leave, forcing a sale if necessary. Even if not true, it should show him you are not a pushover. Please be comfortable in your body and if it isn’t what he wants then there are plenty of other guys who would be very happy.

RedPinkRose · 28/02/2022 17:54

I haven’t read the entire thread by this is text book ‘Script’, go to www.runawayhusbands.com/ there is also a private Facebook group of women who understand this experience.

I was there, 3 years ago. Devastated and reeling from the shock for months. Recovery was a slow process, 2.5 years. Now, life is good. And I didn’t need to lose any weight (and yes, exH did tell me I needed to lose weight, I’d let myself go etc.). My new boyfriend utterly adores me. You will be alright, probably better than alright in a couple of years from now.

My ex never admitted to someone else but by a strange coincidence began dating the person I suspected he’d become enamoured by a few months after he’d told me he was leaving.

Big hug. Flowers