Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

He sounds disgusting and ask him to leave now while you have time to think. He is now showing his true colours and he is trying to erode your confidence and what kind of a man does this. I do think there is something else going on or someone in the picture and he is trying to make you feel bad about yourself so he feels better. I could not come back from this at all but have time to think for yourself and what you want and not what he wants as he wants to be the one in control. You need to either have him leave or go away for a bit stay with family or friends so you can think about things. This is very serious issue and usually men behave like this when there is something going on. You were the same when he met you and honestly you sound lovely. I would lose respect for him very quickly. Do not let him bring down your confidence at all as that is what he is trying to do. He sounds like a right knob head and very unkind and is showing his true colours. As others have said he could be looking at porn. Sorry you are going through this but put yourself first and a man who loves you will not be so unkind. Who the hell does he think he is. Usually men who criticize women are not much to look at themselves and they are the insecure ones.

OP I know you cant see it now but theres a lovely man out there who would feel lucky to be with you. Dont settle for someone who isnt sure. Hes treating you terribly

That was just exit sex.

Basically he overplayed his hand with the horrible things he told you. I expect he told himself you'd maybe sulk a bit at the most but ultimately be pathetically grateful for 'shocking' you into losing weight.

So then when your reaction and the fallout from his cruel words was far more than he anticipated he went into panic mode and instigating sex with you was him trying to remind you that he's some sort of stud you'd be losing. You were stunned from his outburst, confused, upset, and emotionally vulnerable so it's natural that when he instigated sex you initially went along with it in the moment. It's only afterwards that you realise it was basically exit sex.

You could probably eventually forgive him. You sound so kind and emotionally mature. But you'd never ever forget his cruel words - and that's the death knell for the relationship really. You'll heal from this and in time, meet a man who worships you from head to toe. Right now it's raw though so be gentle with yourself.

@Maunderingdrunkenly

His initials aren’t CM are they OP?

This isn't very fair, OP has come on here for anonymous support. Just suppose those are his initials and you've outed the OP (while she has no idea who you are because you're anonymous too). Imagine the fear and panic you may have caused in somebody who has already said that she suffers from anxiety.

Think on won't you?

This is horrific for you OP, I would be devastated. And needless to say you do not have to change this for him.

Can I ask, is he in absolutely fantastic shape himself? Because I would be needing someone to look like a Calvin Klein model before they'd be criticising my weight 😳

Some men, and I guess some women, really are this shallow in that appearance matters more than character, but also obsessions around weight are fundamentally about control.

A friend’s husband was ‘conflicted’ as well and said v hurtful things about her appearance as his excuse for why he was attracted to someone else. However, despite feeling near suicidal when her marriage first fell apart, a few years on shes with someone who really loves her for herself. The same could be for you.

Been mentioned before but the signs are all there for him being sexually interested in men and therefore confused about his sexuality. He comes up with some spurious reason why he loves you only as a friend and how this can be rectified by weight loss (?!) - come on, you're not even overweight; he's not keen on giving oral; and, he seems to like slim women (almost 'boyish' figure?).
Other signs would be: a continual preference for sexual positions where he cannot see your face (spooning, doggy), aggressive 'porn' style sex over the more romantic, soft love-making; a glazing over of his eyes when he is looking at you during sex and possibly even a look of contempt or disgust on his face when he is having sex.

Some men aren't interested in men as such, but are interested in transexuals (where the outward appearance is strikingly female and often very slim, but there is a penis to 'play' with).

What I state here isn't a reach, this is shockingly the case for some seemingly happily married men, often induced by porn but (IMO) probably latent from early childhood. These men are not gay as such, nor even bisexual in the normally understood way. They have 'issues' with women - sometimes subconsciously scared of giving away too much power to the female, sometimes scared of rejection, and so on.

Good luck to you in trying to understand him. Look after yourself first and foremost and do not starve yourself. Unhealthy, unsustainable, and you'll end up heavier in the long run.

You've already had lots of good advice. Tbh, it does remind me a bit of when my ex-DH had a break down. Take good care of yourself

@Robinred81 honestly this will feel terrible and painful and just down right horrid now but muster all your emotional strength and move on. If you think of a future of feeling self conscious with your husband in your own home it will only make you feel sad and anxious, you deserve far better. If you are worried about being emotional re solicitor you could call and ask for an email address to explain further? I had my heartbroken for similar reasons years ago it took a while but the confidence and fun i had where priceless! Look after you and have All the Pancakes

There's another woman. I know of three women ( one my DSIL) whose husbands pulled this sort of "we're just friends really, there's no one else" crap. In all cases there was indeed someone else. Lying toads.

You poor thing - he is behaving terribly.

I do not think he is confused or having a breakdown.
He has lied horribly, deceived you and is a massive shit.

• Def get to your mums tomorrow AM, tell her exactly whats happening and take some time.
• in terms of command I would basically stonewall him amd keep dealings totally practical and via email (engaging in conversation is pointless. He is a liar and I agree with others he is not being honest honest he is lying/ hiding something) also it will boil his piss that you won't talk to him
• don't protect him, tell everyone exactly what he like and let him be ostracised.

• find a lawyer and file for divorce. When you do go after the best settlement you can get.

He wants to get you to do the dirty work and end the marriage then for you to fuck off quietly and humiliated with your tail between your legs.
Fuck that shit.
Go after him for everything you can get - and use it to treat yourself to setting fabulous and also to get some therapy / counselling (shop around and have 2 or 3 intro sessions at least if not more and be sure to pick someone you have good rapport with)

and for you

Check he does not have a burner phone hidden in the house or his car or rucksack etc

Having sex with you and saying he wants to rip your clothes off after getting you really upset, almost sounds like he’s getting off on the power he has over your emotional state.

I know you love him, but he will destroy you if you allow him to.

He ended your marriage when he shattered the trust.

HE did this. You did not end the marriage. He did.

That level of cruelty and manipulation is unforgivable.

You have done nothing wrong.

Keep a record of all that he has said to you. Controlling behaviour is emotional abuse which should now be recognised by the courts (though not consistently). The threatening to hang himself to keep you under his control is text book controlling behaviour. And call the Police if it escalates at all. At the least they will keep a record to be taken into account if there are further incidents.

What a cheeky and horrible fucker he is. You're the same weight/size you've been since you met him, he's been enjoying the sex, but now he says that? Cut your losses and find someone less shallow.

This sounds like my ex husband. Unbeknownst to me he started an affair and then became hypercritical of me. At one point he even criticized my grocery shopping--not the food I bought but the way I took it off the store shelf!

I've read all of your posts, and my belief is that he's having some sort of illicit relationship, if not a physical then an emotional affair. I also strongly suspect porn is involved.

almost like he is literally having some sort of mental break down?!

If his behaviour is only erratic and cruel behind closed doors it's not a mental health crisis, it's him choosing to be abusive. Don't absolve him of responsibility with cod psychology, it is an absolute gift to abusive men.

I suspect it will all come out in next few weeks Op. Please tell your mum. Look after your physical and mental health. You can order STI tests online.
I hope you can get some legal advice asap. Don’t be pushed into leaving matrimonial home (it’s not his house just because his name on it it’s not that simple now you are married)
The weight is such a red herring - it could have been anything if you’ll get a dog, have a baby, stop working do much. It’s not you it’s him.

I wonder what he'd say if you agreed to come to a compromise?

Tell him you'll lose the two stone if he'll come to the gym with you and pump some iron, oh and also take steroids as actually you've always liked the muscly Chris hemsworth type but settled for your dh as you got on so well with him?

What do you think his reaction would be? I can probably guess!

From everything you've said so far OP I can tell you this for a fact: he has issues. He's controlling, manipulative and a nasty person to boot. Probably has some kind of ingrained body-image issues, possibly passed on from his (dick of a) father.

"Id consider hanging myself" etc etc? Yeah, jog on mate!
He's backtracked when you started packing a bag as he's realised the ramifications of what he's done ie. you'll leave and tell everyone what a shallow piece of shit he is. He probably wasn't expecting that! He wants you to cry and beg (and lose the 2 stone!)

If you have an ounce of self-worth (which I'm certain you do but you are understandably in shock) you leave right now OP and don't look back.

There is no future with this bellend.

What is shocking is that the whole conversation is about him and what he feels/wants.

The comment about pancake day, 'oh you can have one..' is an illustration that the world revolves around him.

Also the comment that he was having sex with you almost as a favour is enough to tell him to leave so you can decide what you want to do.

Cut your losses and move on.

It's not OK for him to give you can ultimatum like that. If anything, that kind of behaviour is relationship ending. His behaviour is unreasonable (your weight isn't the issue), so he either changes his behaviour, or you divorce. You could try counselling, but if he doesn't see that it's him who is at fault, and keeps insisting you need to lose weight to save the marriage, there's not much to be done about that. You're married to an arsehole, divorce might be the only reasonable course of action.

He's putting the blame on you, So when it all goes to shit he can say, well I told you and you didn't change. It's 100% not your fault.

I see massive red flags.
Please be strong and don't fall for his lies and gaslighting.

He has had his head turned for sure.
He could be having an online emotional affair which doesn't require leaving work later.
Don't be surprised if he had a second payg phone in his office.

I cannot believe that this vile, abusive streak of piss can behave so cruelly and in such an oppressive and manipulative manner and think the OP is the one with the problem.