Page 25 | Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

Schoolchoicesucks · 28/02/2022 16:26

Wow, what a twat! So sorry, OP.

Of course you shouldn't lose 2 stone in order for him to be attracted to you. If you did, he'd find something else. To change your hair, or the clothes you wear or something.

I'm assuming he's God's gift to women is he?

If you think this is out of character, he's depressed or something, you could go for counselling. If he's just a twat, I think it's time to split. You'll be far better off without him.

LowlandLucky · 28/02/2022 16:27

I suggest you ask him to grow a few extra inches ! Seriously i would spend the next 5 months saving every penny i could. I would dam well want a divorce and not an annulment. I would make sure everyone knows exactly why you are getting divorced.

UnconditionalSurrender · 28/02/2022 16:28

The more you post OP the more it sounds like a control thing. He's in a bad mood so he takes it out on you. He gets a kick out of upsetting you. Makes him feel good. The sex thing is the same. He gets his kicks and ramps up your upset. It's unforgivable on his part. I wonder when you look back once the initial shock wears off will you see signs from before?

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/02/2022 16:32

This really does feel like theres something else going on you don't know about.

You say he hasn't the opportunity to have an affair, but does he spend time with his fattist controlling father/family - could someone be saying 'get rid of her and... xyz can happen' (get rid or no inheritance.. for example)..

It almost feels like what he is saying is someone elses words that he believes he SHOULD believe, but doesn't - hence the flip-flopping and conflicted behaviour.

Regardless.. you should take the first steps to divorce, if that means keeping your cards close to your chest and playing the game for a little while, so be it - you can't divorce immediately anyway.

I would try to get evidence of his behaviour, get things in writing (text, whatsapp etc, recordings if necessary) and gather any paperwork you may need.

As far as the house goes, you've contributed by paying the bills, probably by helping to furnish, decorate etc, possibly from before you actually moved in even - don't discount any of that. If PP are correct, he's likely to owe you around 40K, that is going to be a HUGE shock to him, and I'd keep him in the dark about that as long as possible!

ivykaty44 · 28/02/2022 16:32

what a twat he is

puny man child

twat

pointythings · 28/02/2022 16:32

He doesn't want to end it because if he did, it would be his fault. That doesn't square with his image of himself, so it has to be your fault. He achieves this by using these kind of tactics.

Just get rid of him. It may be that the length of your cohabitation means you won't walk away with nothing, which would be good - make sure you get what you can from him before tossing him in the dustbin of history.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 28/02/2022 16:33

He is hedging his bets while he lines someone else up or sees whether it is going to work with her

TedMullins · 28/02/2022 16:34

Oh my god this is absolutely horrific. What a complete sociopath. You're absolutely right to be making plans to leave, even if he took it all back and decided he did fancy you, would you really want to be with someone with such disgusting ideas about women's weight? Good luck with disentangling yourself from this horrid, horrid cunt

Hawkins001 · 28/02/2022 16:34

@Robinred81

Posting in AIBU for traffic. I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

Omg, all the best op, seems odd that you've been together all this time and now he says it, I'd be very suspicious that there is more to it all

worriedatthemoment · 28/02/2022 16:35

Is he a perfect weight ? You should. Only loose weight because you want to
He sounds very shallow and as for the move out when you find somewhere , you could techniCally go for some of the house in a divorce
Your married

QueenOfCakeandCoffee · 28/02/2022 16:36

What a twat! I can’t believing he’s wasted you time & life. Please try not to feel any shame here, it is his issues and you will be better off in the long run.

Would it help to write down everything that’s happened in bullet points, to sort of clear the confusion in your head? When you telling family/friends you won’t jump about as much and it might help you feel a bit more clearer.

Please try to tell someone soon, he will have less control over you once you have.
X

MunchyMonsters · 28/02/2022 16:36

So glad you have your head screwed on right OP!

Calmdown14 · 28/02/2022 16:36

OP does he have issues with food and is projecting some kind of eating disorder onto you? Has he lost weight?

You are completely right that it makes no sense. That leaves the options as:

he's having some sort of mental episode
he's having or wants to have an affair
he's a controlling bully and this is the first move (or first you've been actively aware of) in lowering your self esteem following his love bombing phase.

-he wants to end the marriage for some other reason but is gutless and has deliberately picked something that makes it sound like you might be over reacting and are the mad one who left him.

Even if it's the first of these it doesn't give him the right to treat you like this.

All of the others make him an arse and a coward. You deserve so much better

The most important thing to r

Iamnotamermaid · 28/02/2022 16:38

I wonder if someone has said something to him (like his Dad) and he is been pathetic and does not have the balls to stand up to whoever it is.

Either way losing weigh to make a marriage work is just not wrong. Reverse it for a sec - how would he like it if you said you found him to puny for you and he should sort himself out in the gym.

Time to move on I think.

Acesup · 28/02/2022 16:41

He's a dick and trying to control you. If you do this now there'll always be something wrong with you in future and he'll slowly destroy your self confidence until there's nothing left of you. Get out now. You sound beautiful, find someone who can see that. Be thankful you don't have kids and can cut all ties. (It's also significant that he waited until after marriage to start playing this game)

ivykaty44 · 28/02/2022 16:43

This behaviour is incredibly hurtful and my sympathy to you having to live through this.

If you wanted to lose weight fine but to be order to lose weight with an ultimatum is incredibly cruel

Id send him to a seperate bedroom for starters

which gives you time to decide how you are going to move on from here

if he says anything - just say I don't feel comfortable with you seeing me naked

stop paying for his shopping and just purchase your own food, start building your own life as you want it

your parents are likely to notice there is something wrong with you, especially if you are close.

This is really shit

(what id love to happen is you to become exactly how he wants and you turn round and tell him to fuck off he's to puny and the guys down the gym are oh so much more sexy)

nzeire · 28/02/2022 16:43

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, what a shock.
Gather the troops, your family and your friends. It eill be a rocky road. Get the support you need and deserve. You sound lovely xx

PupInAPram · 28/02/2022 16:44

You definitely sound like you deserve better than him OP. He sounds like a manipulative monster! Get out as soon as you can. Go to your mums, get her to go with you to a solicitor, make him talk to you via email or solicitor only so you always have a record of what he's saying. I wish you strength OP, you will get through this and there is light on the other side. 💐

worriedatthemoment · 28/02/2022 16:44

I have put weight on in our 20 year relationship and discussed with my dh is it a problem ,his answer no as I'm still me, would he like me to loose weight, yes for health benefits and because he knows I want to but he would never tell me I had to , same as I wouldn't him now he is carrying a little lockdown weight

Arabellla · 28/02/2022 16:45

@Robinred81

I just feel like surely if he was gay or had met someone else he would be ending the relationship fully and trying to kick me out asap instead of the whole “lose the 2 stone by summer and we’ll potentially be able to make things work”. Just heard him arrive home. I’m upstairs working so he won’t disturb me for a bit

No, he wouldn't I'm afraid. They are cowards.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 28/02/2022 16:47

His initials aren’t CM are they OP?

cheeseislife8 · 28/02/2022 16:48

Oh OP I'm so sorry, what an absolute shit.

The more you update the worse he seems. You don't deserve this

FinallyFluid · 28/02/2022 16:49

@Fernandina

Cherchez la femme.

This

PussGirl · 28/02/2022 16:50

He's hedging his bets suggesting you'll be fine together if you lost weight - don't give him the satisfaction of being unkind again

CourtRand · 28/02/2022 16:52

@Daydreamsinsantafe

Marriage, healthy ones anyway, depend upon communication. Let’s say, for arguments sake, he isn’t Gay or adulterous as suggested but that he’s telling the truth & just isn’t attracted to you anymore. Should he not say? Lies are worse than honesty no matter how brutal. You absolutely do not have to lose weight, it’s your body, but I’m not sure what else he was supposed to do in this situation? He’s back tracking a bit because you are upset. That’s also a normal thing to do. He cares about you & feels bad. It’s not an easy thing to tell someone & so he probably regrets the way he worded things but ultimately he has told you how he feels & he’s entitled to do that. You are also entitled to respond as you see fit.

Maybe it’s just me but I can’t stand game playing & lies. I’d always rather be told the truth no matter how painful.

He didn't say he wasn't attracted to her ANYMORE he said he never had been. She's not changed size... he doesn't get to just decide he doesn't fancy her when she looks the same as he signed up for.