Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

He obviously did/does find you attractive OP. The problem is he seems to have decided he shouldn’t find you attractive or that he ´deserves’ to be with someone who is size 8. He’s got something going on, something’s changed for him. Maybe he’s lost confidence in himself, maybe he’s infatuated with another women… the point is, you’re not the problem. You’re just as you have been all along. And he’s ruined what was a good relationship by deciding you are the reason something feels off for him and you losing 2stone will fix it. It’s not a rational way to deal with his feelings and it’s deeply unempathetic. Going away for a few days to have some breathing space does sound like a good idea. Seeing a solicitor is crucial. Find out what you are likely to get in the financial settlement.

@Robinred81

I just feel like surely if he was gay or had met someone else he would be ending the relationship fully and trying to kick me out asap instead of the whole “lose the 2 stone by summer and we’ll potentially be able to make things work”. Just heard him arrive home. I’m upstairs working so he won’t disturb me for a bit

Not if he's in denial and wants you to be more 'boy-like' physically like others have suggested.

And like I mentioned earlier, he'll stay with you until he meets someone else then he'll blame you for not changing when he told you how to 'fix' things.

Get rid
Get rid
Get rid
Get rid

He doesn't deserve you, he is nasty. Get rid and make yourself a new life and don't allow anyone to treat you this way.

@Robinred81

I just feel like surely if he was gay or had met someone else he would be ending the relationship fully and trying to kick me out asap instead of the whole “lose the 2 stone by summer and we’ll potentially be able to make things work”. Just heard him arrive home. I’m upstairs working so he won’t disturb me for a bit

That would mean taking responsibility.

What a horrible disgusting cunt he is OP. I had an ex do something similar but we hadn't been together as long as you. Admitted he didn't fancy me anymore after treating me like | had the plague for weeks then dumped me for someone else (my appearance hadn't changed at all BTW he just got bored). It dented my confidence so much and I've never really gotten over how he made me feel. Your husband sounds even worse though. I think the worst part is the manipulation and the way he is deliberately confusing you. Thank god you didn't put any of your inheritance into his mortgage.

@Robinred81

I just feel like surely if he was gay or had met someone else he would be ending the relationship fully and trying to kick me out asap instead of the whole “lose the 2 stone by summer and we’ll potentially be able to make things work”. Just heard him arrive home. I’m upstairs working so he won’t disturb me for a bit

It really doesn't matter.

I know you want answers, but none of it actually matters. The only relevant thing you need to know is that you deserve more than this man. You can't polish a turd, and he's proven to be a giant steaming shit.

God grief, this is awful, OP, I'm so sorry he's done this to you. It sounds like you've had some really good advice on the thread and you sound resolute about how his comments have changed things irrevocably, so I wish you the best of luck with the divorce.

And please, please, please ignore all the PP suggesting you should lose weight like he wants you to because women need to take care of their appearances to keep their men. For crying out loud, this isn't the Dark Ages!

Ugh, are you married to my ex?

If you lose the weight then he'll want you to lose more or pick on something else to beat you with.

My ex used to pull the "I don't find you attractive because you're fat" bullshit then go on to shag me.

Run. Take him for everything you can get. Fuck him.

You are not the problem. You do not need to lose weight for anyone. Never let anyone else tell you otherwise. Your body, your rules. Always.

Whatever his issue, it is his to sort out not yours.

If he asks you why you’re seeking a divorce, tell him his shallowness is really unattractive and you don’t believe it’s something he can improve on. The scales do not measure someone’s worth. There really will be someone out there who will love every bit of you, inside and out, and won’t demand that you change. Go find them OP.

Has he completely lost his marbles ?

What he’s said is really cruel OP. Loving husbands are not cruel, and neither are (best ?!) friends.

I couldn’t get past this, and I wouldn’t want to. He needs to go.

This sounds very similar to how things unraveled with my exh. I thought he was having a breakdown because his behaviour was so insane. He was having an affair and I think was struggling to get her to leave her husband so basically wanted to string me along in case it didn't work out and this was making it hard for him to make any sense, trying to keep all his options open. He was trying to devalue me and basically making out I'd be alone and miserable without him and I was so unlovable, presumably to get me to cling onto him? I got fed up and initiated divorce proceedings, best thing I've ever done. This man is treating you appallingly. When the shock has died down leave him and go and enjoy your life!

No fault divorce is coming to England and Wales in April so don't worry about that.

5'7" and size 14 sounds fine to me. I'm 5'6", size 14 and quite slender. Where is he coming from?

This is an absolutely horrible situation for you to be in, op, and I do feel for you. In your place I would want out but you must take legal advice; you are entitled to something out of this marriage. You were with your husband for a few years before tying the knot, it's not as if he didn't have time to work out how he felt.

Oh, OP. I’m so sorry. God - what a shock. His behaviour is disgusting. You’d honestly think he had a mini stroke or tumour or something. It’s not sounding like that is very likely given some of his past behaviour and comments. You know what you need to do

This man sounds controlling in his own way. Saying that you can have only one pancake and that he will be attracted to you once you lose 2 stone. He seems to want to call the shots when it comes to your own body. As someone who used to have an eating disorder and was in an abusive relationship, believe me, even if you do lose weight,.then it will be something else and then something else. You sound lovely and there would be so many other men happy to be with you

It doesn't sound like a breakdown to me, OP, it sounds like completely intentional manipulation.

I had a boyfriend do it to me as a skinny 19 year old. After a few weeks of "if you loved me and wanted our relationship to work you would lose weight" I gave up and left him, feeling utterly broken and broken hearted.

I later found out he'd been posting on a forum about how to "train your girlfriend" and this was his next step after he'd convinced me to dye my hair. There was a whole community of similarly horrid men egging each other on to manipulate and undermine their female partners.

Now whether he is on similar forums, or if he's being a complete arsehole entirely on his own, he's treating you exactly as my ex treated me. The only way to respond to such manipulation is to find your anger, tell him to fuck off, and get away while you still have your dignity and self esteem intact.

Amongst my friends in their twenties and thirties there were some who appreciated that ultimately passion is a short term thing, nine months max, after which companionship and being prepared to work to make the relationship positive for both of you is what matters. Then there were the friends hoping for the perfect prince / princess to come along and ride off into the sunset. They went through relationships / marriages at a rate and most ended up compromising on someone who probably would not have met their expectations previously (but where things like kindness and fun made up for that). And of course in some of those marriages one partners need for control destroyed any chance of a mutually happy relationship.

So you have two problems. Your partner is not only wanting / feeling entitled for the passion to reignite, he is also controlling you to become his perfect princess. Run for the hills….

I would also not be surprised if the source of his perception of the perfect princess is coming from the media / porn.

Find your anger OP, tell your friends and family and surround yourself with support and love.
He doesn't deserve you and your relationship can't recover from this, even if you wanted to try. If you lost weight he'd pick something else and your self esteem will be whittled away

Honestly OP, it sounds like you've got a banging figure and your stupid prick of a husband is trying to tear you down.

He's the issue here. Not you. Not your figure.

Is it worth doing some digging to check he’s not having an affair/online dating/racking up debts. Or anything? No-one ever thinks it will happen.

He’s so manipulative! My god, manipulating you into having sex, telling you he’ll hang himself. What a bastard.

Giving you permission to lose 2 stone and he’ll see how he feels. What a shit.

I'd tell him to piss off if I were you OP. Nobody just nobody would hold me hostage like this over weight.
If anything I'd be inclined to gain weight to spite him.
He must be a real Prince among men mustn't he?
No.....you don't surprise me.

There's something that he's not telling you. He's acting like my ex did when he was cheating. He'd find lots of faults with me, suddenly wanted to get a dog (like the OW) and said that he never loved me. Cheaters do this so that they can kid themselves that they had no choice.

Your h may not be shagging someone else but it wouldn't surprise me if there was a slimmer woman that he's fantasizing about or talking to online. He's kidding himself that if you were thinner that he wouldn't be doing what he's doing.

My ex had no problem having sex with me while he had an affair. I don't know if this was because he thought this was part of covering his tracks but I now feel like I was used so that he could cum.

If anybody needs to do any work to save the marriage, it's him. He needs to go to therapy and work out why he's married and gone through the motions of a happy marriage. Why he'd hurt you then shag you. 😢 He's probably feeling great knowing that you want him but he owes you the truth. I found the lying far worse than the affair.

@MoltenLasagne

It doesn't sound like a breakdown to me, OP, it sounds like completely intentional manipulation.

I had a boyfriend do it to me as a skinny 19 year old. After a few weeks of "if you loved me and wanted our relationship to work you would lose weight" I gave up and left him, feeling utterly broken and broken hearted.

I later found out he'd been posting on a forum about how to "train your girlfriend" and this was his next step after he'd convinced me to dye my hair. There was a whole community of similarly horrid men egging each other on to manipulate and undermine their female partners.

Now whether he is on similar forums, or if he's being a complete arsehole entirely on his own, he's treating you exactly as my ex treated me. The only way to respond to such manipulation is to find your anger, tell him to fuck off, and get away while you still have your dignity and self esteem intact.

Exactly. OP, you need to read "Men Who Hate Women". There are whole movements out there these days, of men who use negging and other mindfuck techniques to manipulate women. They're sick bastards and your husband's behaviour sounds very much like their methods. He may have got involved in it online.

He sounds like an idiot. Get out of there, get a solicitor and take him for every penny.

What a horrible shock this is for you. The issues are all his and he is being a shit.

Sometimes, I have learnt through many friends experiences, there is no rational explanation for an irrational man (or woman’s) behaviour. You can tie yourself up in years of mental knots trying to apply a reason when these things are often one sided, complex and have no rationality. There will always be verbal reasons given, but these will make no sense.

For your own sanity, it really doesn’t matter what his reasons are, he isn’t good enough for you. He doesn’t suit your needs. Bin him off, get out what you deserve and you won’t look back.