Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

@Girlmum91

I'm of the opinion that people definitely should make an effort with their physical appearance when in a relationship to keep the attraction alive (not talking about love, just desire). In the kindest possible way, being overweight isn't healthy and you should do this for you. If you were a healthy weight but not very toned and he'd made these comments I'd 100% be saying LTB but there's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to have a healthy BMI. If I were you, I'd lose the weight by adopting a healthy lifestyle and if there are still problems in your relationship then f**k him and move on to someone kinder.

Are you stupid? She's the weight and size she was when they met. She's not unhealthy. She doesn't need to change for anyone. If she's uncomfortable in her own skin, fine. Anyone else expecting her to change for their benefit should fuck off to the arse end of fuckington.

Don't even consider trying to lose weight at his request.Take legal advice and don't consider leaving the home yet. I'd move into another bedroom and make it clear that the relationship is over.

@Girlmum91

I'm of the opinion that people definitely should make an effort with their physical appearance when in a relationship to keep the attraction alive (not talking about love, just desire). In the kindest possible way, being overweight isn't healthy and you should do this for you. If you were a healthy weight but not very toned and he'd made these comments I'd 100% be saying LTB but there's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to have a healthy BMI. If I were you, I'd lose the weight by adopting a healthy lifestyle and if there are still problems in your relationship then f**k him and move on to someone kinder.

She's not overweight. Also she has been this weight since she met him (irrelevant)

Can you work from your mum's @Robinred81.
If you can't take some holidays and go as soon as possible.
Just don't tell him.
Cause he'll try anything not to let you go.

So sorry OP, you must be devastated. There's no going back from this I'm afraid.

Speak to a solicitor, a judge might be quite sympathetic.

That’s the thing - before Saturday there was never any indication anything was wrong. Lots of affectionate text messages from him, a lovely valentines card, tells me everyday how beautiful I am, has told me many times how I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he’s often discussing plans with me for our future etc. That’s why it seems so utterly shocking and heartbreaking.

I've NCed for this as it's not something I'm proud of but when I was younger and stupid/more selfish with low self-esteem, I was a married man's online OW. So far as his wife was concerned he was the ideal husband, telling her she was beautiful, preparing romantic evenings for the two of them, on top of the usual stuff like doing his share of housework etc. But he spent every spare moment he could find messaging me, sending me photos and videos, not just sexual but about his day, his work, his hobbies. His office had a relaxed attitude to phone use so I'd get literally dozens of messages a day from him, plus every time he went grocery shopping alone, went to play football, went to the car wash, any time he wasn't with his wife basically. She didn't have any idea, his colleagues didn't have a clue. For various reasons we never met, after a while I copped on to what we were doing and ended it, got therapy to work on my own issues blah blah, but looking back I consider he was cheating on his wife just as much as if we'd been sleeping together given the scope and scale of everything he shared with me, and he would have happily continued and taken it further if I'd wanted to.

I know not everyone thinks online chat only is cheating, so your perspective may vary OP, but I mention it because so often women here state their partners must be faithful because everything is fine in their relationship, they're still affectionate, plus they don't have time or opportunity to cheat. But I've seen it from the other side and if they want to have someone else, they'll find a way.

Like most PPs, I'd struggle to see a way back from this and your weight just sounds like an excuse, especially as it's not as though you've doubled in size since you met him or anything like that. Whether he's cheating or not he sounds immature at best, controlling at worst and you can do better.

What a prick. I imagine he thought you’d just run to WW for him. Don’t starve yourself, don’t beg him. You won’t get anything like a 50:50 divorce settlement but you could certainly try for more than a month’s rent ffs. Take care of yourself OP

@Robinred81

I didn’t mention this before as it makes me sound so pathetic but on Saturday after he blurted everything out, a few hours later I was upstairs having a panic attack and really sobbing. He came upstairs to console me and managed to calm me down as I was completely losing it. He then started kissing me passionately and telling me how he just wanted to rip my clothes off. I was so upset and confused by what was going on and all I wanted was for him to want to be with me again at that moment in time so I stupidly had sex with him. He was telling me he loved me and he was sorry and he does want to make our marriage work. After the sex I asked if he had changed his mind and took back what he had said to me that morning. He said “no I still feel the same way but I’m just confused about my feelings”. I obviously won’t be having sex with him again or letting him manipulate me into it but the more I think about it the more confusing his behaviour has been - almost like he is literally having some sort of mental break down?! I’ve never felt so confused in my life by someone’s behaviour towards me. Thanks for all of you giving such kind advice as seeing it written down has made me properly realise how abusive and evil he is being. It’s sometimes hard to see it myself as I probably delude myself at times

Good grief.

It almost sounds like he’s getting off on the power he has over you. Is he massively insecure or something? Does he think wrecking your self-esteem is somehow going to ensure you never leave him or something? His behaviour is AWFUL.

My ex had a habit of announcing that he was leaving me, and I’d be bewildered, beg him to stay etc. Then the next day he’d act like nothing had happened. Eventually I said “OK. I’ll obviously need time to sort out somewhere to stay, but I’ll get my stuff together now so I can go to my mum’s in the morning for now” and lo and behold, in the morning when it was a reality he’d be hyperventilating with anxiety about the prospect of me actually leaving. He just wanted to hold all the power, basically.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.

Lose weight for you. Never for anyone else.

This is trying to control you, keeping you hanging on a 'might' which is a pile of bollocks.

No marriage can be saved if its dependant on your appearance. What do you think will happen in your 50s if he thinks like this? "Oh your too old now, I no longer fancy you".

Tell him to pack his bags and fuck off. Its hard but he doesn't love you as a friend either.

@Robinred81

I didn’t mention this before as it makes me sound so pathetic but on Saturday after he blurted everything out, a few hours later I was upstairs having a panic attack and really sobbing. He came upstairs to console me and managed to calm me down as I was completely losing it. He then started kissing me passionately and telling me how he just wanted to rip my clothes off. I was so upset and confused by what was going on and all I wanted was for him to want to be with me again at that moment in time so I stupidly had sex with him. He was telling me he loved me and he was sorry and he does want to make our marriage work. After the sex I asked if he had changed his mind and took back what he had said to me that morning. He said “no I still feel the same way but I’m just confused about my feelings”. I obviously won’t be having sex with him again or letting him manipulate me into it but the more I think about it the more confusing his behaviour has been - almost like he is literally having some sort of mental break down?! I’ve never felt so confused in my life by someone’s behaviour towards me. Thanks for all of you giving such kind advice as seeing it written down has made me properly realise how abusive and evil he is being. It’s sometimes hard to see it myself as I probably delude myself at times

@Robinred81 - he is not having a mental break down or if he is he's not your problem to fix.

He loves the control he has over you with the sex and messing with your head. He's probably a narcissist too. But he is not your problem to fix!

Also, a few men (and women) can hide bad traits of their behaviour towards them and we tend to overlook this or he's/she's nice otherwise.

You sound like you have your head screwed on. Be thankful that it was only 7 months and you are not going to waste a second longer.

Oh op what a horrid few days you’ve had. What a horrible man. An absolute arse of the highest order.

He sounds unhinged. This is really bizarre behaviour, and I do hope that with time you’ll feel relieved to be away from him.

Really very best wishes to you

@CourtRand

I think he's had his head turned even if he's not cheating and is rewriting history (feelings, attraction etc) as a way to make a divorce seem like it's your fault 🤷‍♀️

Normally I'd agree but from what the OP has said he's made odd comments about her weight before and his father seems to think the same way so maybe they're just those kind of men

@dollymuchymuchness

Not sure what grounds you have for divorce (unreasonable behaviour probably isn't quite there)

Is this a joke?

Of course it's unreasonable behaviour.

@dollymuchymuchness - it's unreasonable behaviour but as to how a judge would see it - they probably would... but OP needs to get evidence, proof etc. Not just her say so that he's being 'unreasonable'.

I'm of the opinion that people definitely should make an effort with their physical appearance when in a relationship to keep the attraction alive (not talking about love, just desire). In the kindest possible way, being overweight isn't healthy and you should do this for you. If you were a healthy weight but not very toned and he'd made these comments I'd 100% be saying LTB but there's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to have a healthy BMI. If I were you, I'd lose the weight by adopting a healthy lifestyle and if there are still problems in your relationship then fk him and move on to someone kinder

Good job that it's just you opinion then isn't it. Jesus Fucking Christ.

So OP just needs to work on her appearance to keep her man happy!!!!

Take no notice AT ALL of this piece of terrible advice OP.

He is one cruel bastard.

I definitely think there is a woman involved somewhere.

He is messing with your head and absolutely loving it.

Don't let him get to you. You take control of the situation. You can do this

I’m sorry your he has been so awful to you. The most important thing for you to understand and hold in your mind is that you do not deserve to be treated this way. He sounds very emotionally manipulative - if this truly is new behaviour maybe he is having some kind of breakdown. But if so that it is 100% a him problem, and definitely not a you problem.

My ex had a habit of announcing that he was leaving me, and I’d be bewildered, beg him to stay etc. Then the next day he’d act like nothing had happened. Eventually I said “OK. I’ll obviously need time to sort out somewhere to stay, but I’ll get my stuff together now so I can go to my mum’s in the morning for now” and lo and behold, in the morning when it was a reality he’d be hyperventilating with anxiety about the prospect of me actually leaving. He just wanted to hold all the power, basically.

I think people who behave like this have no true understanding that the ir partner is a real person, with real feelings in their own right. i think they see them as an extension of themselves, as an accessory that they might discard but then want back. No notion of the other person's autonomy.

OP needs to show she has her own mind and makes her own choices, for which he is not the puppet master. I think it will shock him to realise that she can do exactly what she wants, that she is a whole being not just a part of his little life drama.

Oh God .... he is messing with your head. This is not lovely talk. It's manipulation.

There is NOTHING wrong with you. You deserve to be adored and loved and treated with respect.

He is seriously messed up . You don't deserve this.

Please don't sleep with him every again.

Tell your parents and they will keep you strong.

You are having a lucky escape and later on you will meet someone who deserves you.

Sending big hugs. Be brave you are going to be so much happier in the long run away from him......:I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will. I promise

His head has been turned. Any chance he might be gay? Second phone somewhere?

@ClawedButler

And please don't feel embarrassed about telling people. "He's not the man I thought he was". No shame in that.

OTOH, HE will really really really not want you to tell people what's happened - it will be embarrassing for him when people realise what a spineless, shallow, egotistical, manipulative, two-faced snake he is.

This does not tally with his desired narrative. He wants you to do the pick-me dance, to make all the effort, to transform yourself to match some fantasy that exists only in his head.

DISAPPOINT HIM.

I think you should be very honest too.

What he has said is so unbelievably unpleasant, it is hard to imagine anyone being so awful to anyone they vaguely liked, not to mind love.

There is no taking back nor going back.

When the reality of what divorce involves, expect him to probably back track.

Also when he realises that your inheritance will not be coming his way either.

Get the best deal possible.

You will get through this OP, the key thing is to be honest with those that love you.

There is nothing to be ashamed about.

The shame is all his.

@Robinred81

I didn’t mention this before as it makes me sound so pathetic but on Saturday after he blurted everything out, a few hours later I was upstairs having a panic attack and really sobbing. He came upstairs to console me and managed to calm me down as I was completely losing it. He then started kissing me passionately and telling me how he just wanted to rip my clothes off. I was so upset and confused by what was going on and all I wanted was for him to want to be with me again at that moment in time so I stupidly had sex with him. He was telling me he loved me and he was sorry and he does want to make our marriage work. After the sex I asked if he had changed his mind and took back what he had said to me that morning. He said “no I still feel the same way but I’m just confused about my feelings”. I obviously won’t be having sex with him again or letting him manipulate me into it but the more I think about it the more confusing his behaviour has been - almost like he is literally having some sort of mental break down?! I’ve never felt so confused in my life by someone’s behaviour towards me. Thanks for all of you giving such kind advice as seeing it written down has made me properly realise how abusive and evil he is being. It’s sometimes hard to see it myself as I probably delude myself at times

He's a manipulative shit.

You are NOT pathetic.

Thank you for sharing your update; you have just convinced all of us that there is no way back for this nasty, nasty piece of work. Let us convince you too.

It is not acceptable human behaviour to tell someone they are unattractive, to make them cry, to then sleep with them, and to tell them immediately afterwards that they are still unattractive. This is abusive behaviour designed to make you feel like crap and grateful for any crumb of attention you get.

YOU ARE WORTH A MILLION TIMES MORE THAN WHAT THIS MAN IS PREPARED TO GIVE YOU.

That's appalling behaviour and deeply hurtful.

You can't save this, you can however recognise that you need to get out to save your self image and confidence.

Now its the weight, next will be your hair, how you dress, what you say.

I just feel like surely if he was gay or had met someone else he would be ending the relationship fully and trying to kick me out asap instead of the whole “lose the 2 stone by summer and we’ll potentially be able to make things work”. Just heard him arrive home. I’m upstairs working so he won’t disturb me for a bit

I am so sorry to hear this. Sounds like the marriage is over in his mind. There could be someone who has turned his head. You deserve more than this horrible "man".