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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

999 replies

Robinred81 · 28/02/2022 11:25

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

OP posts:
Mouldyfeet · 28/02/2022 15:39

Get your stuff together and leave. He’s an absolute arse. I’d tell him you prefer more muscly men than bean poles 😉

DoorWasAJar · 28/02/2022 15:40

I’m so sorry, you deserve better than this wishy washy sad sack Flowers

Hollywolly1 · 28/02/2022 15:41

I think you deserve half the house as you've lost your marriage and he was so dishonest to marry you you in the first place as I'm sure if you'd known you wouldn't have entered marriage.
Why should you just walk away from your home when he could easily move a dollybird in to enjoy what you've worked hard for.
I actually think you seem to be coping exceptionally well and better now than wasting another 5 minutes on him. Regarding your weight you seem perfectly wonderful and that's a very mean dirty excuse he's using,not nice at all.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/02/2022 15:42

I'm so sorry to read all of that OP. Unfortunately, he can't un-say everything he's said to you and so i don't think you could ever come back from this and feel the same way about him and about your relationship. It must be so upsetting for you thinking all this time you've been living a lie really. You need to speak to your mom and a solicitor and get some real life support.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/02/2022 15:42

My sincere advice now @Robinred81 is for you to lawyer up. Get the best divorce lawyer/solicitor you can afford. If you need to, ask your parents to help there.
You have to follow the Ivana Trump school of thought here: "Ladies, you have to be strong and independent, and remember, don't get mad, get everything!"
Show him you're no push-over and you are a strong independent woman! You can do it!!!

shssandhr · 28/02/2022 15:44

He said to me yesterday that he does want to give our marriage a try as I’m his best friend and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me around and he would consider hanging himself

First things first - he won't hang himself. He is using that as an emotional threat to get you into line.

This is not about the weight at all. You were that weight when you met and married and he's been merrily having sex three times a week.

He's had his head turned by someone (possibly an online, emotional type affair or someone he's met through work). It might not have become physical yet but it's maybe getting to the point where something might happen.
To appease his guilt he has to find some reason to blame it on you so he takes cheap shots at your weight. He then lets you believe you can improve things by losing weight. When you don't lose enough weight or lose it fast enough he can then leave and say he gave you a chance but you didn't make an effort and off he goes to his OW, free of any kind of guilt because it was your fault.

I had similar with an ex (but it wasn*t about weight - it was about me not being a proper "housewife" - eh?? I work... but anyway....). It all came out of the blue and he spent a few weeks insisting on me improving standards and so on - turned out he was Whatsapping a couple of women he'd met somewhere when playing music and was hoping to start a relationship with one of them.

Go and see a solicitor and tell your Mum. Get information and look at your options and then take it from there.
And quit with the losing weight thing for now. Just continue as before - eat healthily and do whatever exercise you do normally - you'll just make yourself ill trying to lose weight under pressure and it will make no fucking difference whatsoever to the final outcome with "D"H.

Hollywolly1 · 28/02/2022 15:44

I just realised read a post and you say you met him on line---- I wonder has he someone else on line now too

Original poster
Robinred81 · 28/02/2022 15:45

I didn’t mention this before as it makes me sound so pathetic but on Saturday after he blurted everything out, a few hours later I was upstairs having a panic attack and really sobbing. He came upstairs to console me and managed to calm me down as I was completely losing it. He then started kissing me passionately and telling me how he just wanted to rip my clothes off. I was so upset and confused by what was going on and all I wanted was for him to want to be with me again at that moment in time so I stupidly had sex with him. He was telling me he loved me and he was sorry and he does want to make our marriage work. After the sex I asked if he had changed his mind and took back what he had said to me that morning. He said “no I still feel the same way but I’m just confused about my feelings”.
I obviously won’t be having sex with him again or letting him manipulate me into it but the more I think about it the more confusing his behaviour has been - almost like he is literally having some sort of mental break down?! I’ve never felt so confused in my life by someone’s behaviour towards me. Thanks for all of you giving such kind advice as seeing it written down has made me properly realise how abusive and evil he is being. It’s sometimes hard to see it myself as I probably delude myself at times

OP posts:
lemondrop21 · 28/02/2022 15:45

Oh op what a horrible piece of work he is!

Even if he apologised until the end of time I can't see how you could ever be intimate with him again without just feeling used knowing what he actually thinks.
I'm so sorry.

You are beautiful regardless of what his shallow mind thinks. I can't see how your marriage can work after this though.

I have gained just under 2 stone since having our baby and if my husband ever said those things or made me feel that way then it would be absolute deal breaker!

Take him to the cleaners!! You're entitled to 50% of why he has.

Bunty55 · 28/02/2022 15:45

@Embracelife

There is book called "I hate you, dont leave me"

But leave you must
His mh problems are his to address
Go free

Well said
gingerhills · 28/02/2022 15:45

OP, you say you are anxious and attract men who put you down and that you feel unable to trust again.

But you could see it that you have a healthy positive attitude to life, which enabled you to trust what someone said at face value, because that is your moral standard and so you assume equal behaviour in peope close to you.

Every day, if at any point you feel bad about yourself, or waver and think you are fat, remind yourself that you are not the one who has lied for seven years, you are not the cruel one, you have not threatened suicide (a really low bullying tactic.) Tell yourself that you choose not to stay married to a lying, manipulative person and you are taking steps to extricate yourself. Put the power into your own hands. And avoid letting him have long discussions with you. Keep interaction very basic and neutral. If he starts on 'Maybe we could try again. You are my best friend' etc, either say nothing at all or just say, 'No. I'm not your best friend.'

I'd keep out of his way as much as possible until you have had legal advice and support from your parents. I hope they will be on your side as you assume, and not try to get you to 'save' the marriage.

BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 28/02/2022 15:46

If that was my husband he could do fuck himself (or die trying). How dare he. In my opinion you can’t come back from this. I’d be leaving and taking the fucker for every penny.

BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 28/02/2022 15:46

Go not do! So angry on your behalf @Robinred81

Girlmum91 · 28/02/2022 15:47

I'm of the opinion that people definitely should make an effort with their physical appearance when in a relationship to keep the attraction alive (not talking about love, just desire). In the kindest possible way, being overweight isn't healthy and you should do this for you. If you were a healthy weight but not very toned and he'd made these comments I'd 100% be saying LTB but there's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to have a healthy BMI. If I were you, I'd lose the weight by adopting a healthy lifestyle and if there are still problems in your relationship then f**k him and move on to someone kinder.

Bunty55 · 28/02/2022 15:47

@Robinred81

I didn’t mention this before as it makes me sound so pathetic but on Saturday after he blurted everything out, a few hours later I was upstairs having a panic attack and really sobbing. He came upstairs to console me and managed to calm me down as I was completely losing it. He then started kissing me passionately and telling me how he just wanted to rip my clothes off. I was so upset and confused by what was going on and all I wanted was for him to want to be with me again at that moment in time so I stupidly had sex with him. He was telling me he loved me and he was sorry and he does want to make our marriage work. After the sex I asked if he had changed his mind and took back what he had said to me that morning. He said “no I still feel the same way but I’m just confused about my feelings”. I obviously won’t be having sex with him again or letting him manipulate me into it but the more I think about it the more confusing his behaviour has been - almost like he is literally having some sort of mental break down?! I’ve never felt so confused in my life by someone’s behaviour towards me. Thanks for all of you giving such kind advice as seeing it written down has made me properly realise how abusive and evil he is being. It’s sometimes hard to see it myself as I probably delude myself at times
He gets off on seeing you distressed. He's bonkers and cruel
SarahDippity · 28/02/2022 15:47

Cherchez la femme

SheWoreYellow · 28/02/2022 15:48

I’ve not read every reply, sorry, but on the solicitor front I would google and also do you have a local Facebook group? Search that for recommendations. Then email a few to ask if they can help and what their hourly rate is.

CourtRand · 28/02/2022 15:48

I think he's had his head turned even if he's not cheating and is rewriting history (feelings, attraction etc) as a way to make a divorce seem like it's your fault 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Robinred81 · 28/02/2022 15:48

My parents will be horrified. They absolutely love him and were so happy I married him. When they find out the things he’s said to me they will do a 360 and despise him though. They are fiercely protective of me and know I’ve been badly hurt in previous relationships. They will want to kill him!

OP posts:
aalidfeie · 28/02/2022 15:48

The more I read the more I was gasping. I had a similar situation many years ago, also 6 years into my relationship seemingly happy,, good sex etc. Turns out he was struggling with his own insecurities and deep seated intimacy issues that he couldnt keep it all up. He also had drug problems I had no idea about. Basically people keep all sorts of secrets even if you think you know them well.

This is why it is a shock when you suddenly get faced with something like this.

It is nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with him.

I dont think you have any other option than to leave cause staying will massively dent your self-esteem. People who love you do not put those sort of conditions on it, EVER. So sorry you are going through this, but please leave.

AladdinPrincess999 · 28/02/2022 15:49

What an awful situation to be in. You're right though, this isn't something you can't come back from. You deserve so much more than someone who isn't attracted to all of you.

Probably best to get an exit plan together.

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 15:50

@Robinred81

My parents will be horrified. They absolutely love him and were so happy I married him. When they find out the things he’s said to me they will do a 360 and despise him though. They are fiercely protective of me and know I’ve been badly hurt in previous relationships. They will want to kill him!
Their anger will help you get what you deserve in the divorce settlement! Let yourself be angry too OP. I know you're hurting and vulnerable right now but you are not the problem here. Don't believe his narrative. He's a spineless, nasty prick.
Lurking9to5 · 28/02/2022 15:50

@Girlmum91

I'm of the opinion that people definitely should make an effort with their physical appearance when in a relationship to keep the attraction alive (not talking about love, just desire). In the kindest possible way, being overweight isn't healthy and you should do this for you. If you were a healthy weight but not very toned and he'd made these comments I'd 100% be saying LTB but there's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to have a healthy BMI. If I were you, I'd lose the weight by adopting a healthy lifestyle and if there are still problems in your relationship then f**k him and move on to someone kinder.
What? She is 5'7" Im 5'1" and pear shaped, size 12 on the bottom and if anybody told me i was fat id know they were nuts and an arsehole. OP is HALF a foot taller than i am.
GettingItOutThere · 28/02/2022 15:51

oh hes a piece of work isnt he

get his sorry ass divorced and find a man who has not lied to you the last 6 years.

please. you deserve better

newbiename · 28/02/2022 15:51

@Robinred81

My parents will be horrified. They absolutely love him and were so happy I married him. When they find out the things he’s said to me they will do a 360 and despise him though. They are fiercely protective of me and know I’ve been badly hurt in previous relationships. They will want to kill him!
Take your mum with you to the solicitor