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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

999 replies

Robinred81 · 28/02/2022 11:25

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

OP posts:
whenwilliwillibefamous · 28/02/2022 15:17

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Bethany7 · 28/02/2022 15:18

Sending you all the best O.P. you are better off without him

lovingtheheat · 28/02/2022 15:19

Hi OP, it sounds like your head is screwed on well which is great. Don't rush to keep him in the loop. Get things in order for yourself first. Also once you do tell him don't be manipulated by any threats he may make re hurting himself. IF he did, that would be on him not you. He is bloody selfish.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 28/02/2022 15:19

I have obviously no idea about what your HH (horrible husband) is thinking. But a thought came to mind, and I can't shift it, so I will just let you know what it is OP. I am wondering if someone at work, or his dad, or a "friend" of his, has been saying things about your weight/size it could have built up in his mind, and he has let it suddenly embarrass him. Once he started to feel embarrassed about you that emotion could have taken over, and before this, even as recently as Valentine's Day, he was genuinely attracted to you, but he now believes whatever poison this person is saying, and on Saturday morning, and on and off since then he keeps on remembering it, then forgetting it again, in a vicious circle.

Even if my suggestion is anywhere near the truth he should have absolutely not been influenced by it, even if it was by his even worse HF (horrible father).

I should have changed my name for this continuation, as anyone reading it will probably think I have completely 'lost it'! Many years ago when I was going out with my now husband, I would occassionally dream that we had had a big argument, and I would wake up cross with him. He could tell that I was in a mood with him, but because I knew I was being very unreasonable I would only say "nothing" if he asked me what was wrong. I know that having your partner deny that anything is wrong when there obviously is, is very frustrating. Later on in the day I would explain what had happened and we would end up laughing about it - thank goodness. It didn't take him too long to realise what was happening, when we had gone to sleep happy enough and yet I woke up in a cross mood the next morning. So he would ask me if I had been dreaming again and what he had done wrong in the dream, he would then apologise for whatever it was and we would both laugh! It is a very long time since I had one of those dreams. So I wondered if someone has been mentioning about your weight to him, whether he could have dreamed about it on Friday night, and anything can happen in dreams, lots of people could have been making fun of you, you could have have appeared 10 years older and 3 times the size you are now, and dreams can be so realistic, that it played on his already hidden worries - after all dreams do often come about because of underlying concerns.

If by some strange fluke your HH did have a dream like that, because someone has been dripping malice in his ear, it does NOT give him the right to feel like that, or to burden you with it, but it just might explain why he woke up in a mood on Saturday, with a seemingly big change in character. Sadly, I don't think this is something that either of you will end up laughing about. I think that if he is ashamed of you (and please remember that he has NOTHING to be ashamed about, you are beautiful, he normally thinks you are beautiful, and if the statistics are to be believed, you are actually under the average British woman's size) you will need to decide whether you want a clean break from him ASAP, or if both agree, you could try couple counselling. Please, don't lose weight for him, size 14 is fine, it is not overweight and I strongly believe that losing weight for him, not for yourself, would be the worse outcome for you.

ClawedButler · 28/02/2022 15:20

And please don't feel embarrassed about telling people. "He's not the man I thought he was". No shame in that.

OTOH, HE will really really really not want you to tell people what's happened - it will be embarrassing for him when people realise what a spineless, shallow, egotistical, manipulative, two-faced snake he is.

This does not tally with his desired narrative. He wants you to do the pick-me dance, to make all the effort, to transform yourself to match some fantasy that exists only in his head.

DISAPPOINT HIM.

Really18 · 28/02/2022 15:20

I reckon it's an excuse. I think he has his eye on someone else. He doesn't want you to leave on case she isn't interested. He is keeping you on the hook. I would divorce him. A lot happens in a relationship. If he isn't a cheat or potential cheat and is being honest then he is very superficial. What happens if you get sick, lose your hair or worse? I couldn't live like that.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/02/2022 15:21

Just end it now.

God only knows what’s going on in his head but ‘loose 2 stone to save our marriage’ a) cruel and unreasonable and b) has not a chance of saving your marriage.

Maybe he’s having an affair, or maybe he’s got a crush, or maybe he has just realised he doesn’t want to be married and is cruelly trying to shift the blame onto you.

It’s an awful situation OP, but lance the boil and end it. You deserve much better. No one should put up with shit like this.

TolkiensFallow · 28/02/2022 15:21

I think he’s online dating and wants to meet someone.

He’s controlling, he’s bullying you about your weight and threatening to hang himself if you leave him.

You do have rights. Your name might not be on the property deeds but he’ll still have to give you money to compensate you for a) not having been paying off your own mortgage and b) being married to this arsehole.

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2022 15:22

@Robinred81

Yes once I’ve told my family and friends there will never be any going back as they will all hate him and I can’t be with someone those closest to me despise. It’s terrifying to tell them all but I will definitely do it soon. I’m just trying to get my head round everything that’s happened as I’ve gone from thinking I was in a happy long term marriage to this. Once I’ve digested it a bit more and calmed down I’ll get the ball rolling. I know even if he gets on his knees begging for remorse and he didn’t mean any of it we can’t ever go back to a normal relationship as I’ll never be able to forgive the things he’s said or feel secure or have trust. It would limp on for a few more months but would inevitably end within a year or so anyway so there’s no point trying to pretend otherwise
Gpd, he's vile.

How dare he use you for sex so frequently when you're not his 'type'

You're right, there is no going back because now you've seen him, warts and all and it isn't a pretty sight.
There is no love, kindness or thoughtfulness in him at all. He's used you for his own purposes (clearly not just sex) all this time and now he's decided it's not quite what he wants.

I hope you find your anger very soon.

Good luck in the future, it'll be better without him in it.

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 28/02/2022 15:22

Good luck OP - figure out what you want and go from there.
Don't give him the control.
Take your time.

battenburgHatday · 28/02/2022 15:24

Is it just me that saw this in active and nearly had a heart attack I just saw the words ‘dropped a massive bomb ‘
Then I saw the rest I think I’m on edge !!!!

PussGirl · 28/02/2022 15:24

What a spineless turd. You can do so much better.

withernseawoes · 28/02/2022 15:26

@Robinred81

He definitely doesn’t understand how a divorce works or realises I’ll be entitled to anything much. He seems to think it’s as easy as us both signing a divorce paper and him giving a grand for rent and maybe buying a few bits of our furniture off me to save the hassle of removal men etc
I think he might be right that you aren't entitled to anything much. I ended a short marriage (although longer than seven months - nearly two years in fact). I was in your husband's position. I owned the house and had other properties. He didn't bring any assets to the marriage.

We both took legal advice and were told that, because it was a short marriage, and that there were no children, and there were no joint assets, then we would both basically walk away with what we started with, which in my case was loads and in his case was sod all. As it was he basically thought it was fair enough and didn't make a big effort to make any sort of claim - but that was the advice we had.

perimenofertility · 28/02/2022 15:26

Leave him. Your weight is irrelevant. He’s not attracted to you, a couple of stone doesn’t make any difference. If you lose weight he’ll find another reason, and another, and another. You deserve to be with someone who adores you. Leave him, you’ll find someone much better than him.

Twitterwhooooo · 28/02/2022 15:27

You don't need to waste any more time and energy trying to understand him OP, or make sense of what he said.

Just focus on yourself and your future.

And the shame should all be his, not yours, but yes a relationship ending less than a year after a marriage is very, very sad.

withernseawoes · 28/02/2022 15:30

@Scianel

He has said he would pay for a deposit and first months rent for me somewhere nice

Err, I don't think so. The house is a marital asset and he'll have to buy you out, possibly by selling it. Don't let him cheat you financially on top of whatever headfuck he is visiting upon you.

It's not true. A very short marriage, no children and no joint assets is likely to mean the OP has no claim to anything much, as I mentioned in my post above.
NETSRIK · 28/02/2022 15:30

Find out his weight and tell him you're planning on losing that amount. Then leave him. He sounds putrid. And that's being kind.

ImAvingOops · 28/02/2022 15:30

We can't tell you what your entitlement is to marital assets but you shouldn't leave the house until you do know. I think these things vary according to what you can demonstrate that you've contributed towards - it doesn't necessarily have to be directly towards the mortgage. And if he wants you out of the house it may be that he needs to cough up a reasonable amount of money to facilitate that. Regardless of him owning it, it's the marital home and I don't think he can just throw you out. But you do need a solicitor to advise you properly.

HazelBite · 28/02/2022 15:31

OP please don't starve yourself.
Sorry but the bloody cheek of the man!! Is he some kind of Adonis?
I had this with my first husband, kept calling me fat, I wasn't , but he convinced me I was, but it did awful things to my self esteem and I ended up starving myself too. He was just being cruel to upset me enough to finish our relationship, we hadn't been married long either, but his ego was such that he didn't want to be the one who "ended" the relationship and face possible criticism.
Don't feel pushed into anything but just be utterly selfish and do what suits you best, don't even consider what he wants, likes or threaens to do, he has lost the right to figure in your life and future.

HazelBite · 28/02/2022 15:32

"Threatens" to do

Tubs11 · 28/02/2022 15:32

Sorry, but you're better than this! Leave him and get what you're entitled to in the divorce.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 28/02/2022 15:33

THIS. IS. NOT. ABOUT. YOUR. WEIGHT.

you are just fine. 14 is not fat. It is about this

he does want to give our marriage a try as I’m his best friend and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me around and he would consider hanging himself.

Unfortunately some people use others. He got into a relationship because he really likes you and he did not want to be alone. A lot of men base their idea of relationships on this. Most are mature enough to understand they may not think their partner is a supermodel but they will find what they appreciate. He obviously has a fucked up idea of what is really important. And you will be dragged down by continued contact with this fuckwit. There are better people out there. I am sorry you were so unlucky in this one.

NoSleepNoSleep · 28/02/2022 15:37

Omg kick him into touch, "I might be able to stay with you if you lose 2 stone" christ who does he think he is, you might be able to stay with him if he gets ripped and has a personality transplant, twat!! I'd be looking to take as much as you can even after a short marriage. I'm furious on your behalf.

AgathaX · 28/02/2022 15:37

The sooner you see a decent solicitor and get some legal advice, and tell your family, the better. You need some real life support, as well as online.

A word of caution. You say you don't think he knows much about the divorce process and won't be expecting to have to hand anything over. Be prepared that he may well be googling this now, it would be in his interests to. So don't leave it loo late before you seek legal advice. You would be better off having the upper hand here.

Goldenharp · 28/02/2022 15:38

I think the period of cohabitation counts so this wouldn't be a marriage of short duration. He has been so awful that I would go for every last pound I could get. I think he is going to have a very unpleasant surprise unless he has already had legal advice and is just trying to get rid of you cheap. Do either of you have pensions?

The idea that you should lose weight - his specified two stone - so you'll stay married is ludicrous. He never thought you were a size 8 when he asked you out and when you got married. It doesn't sound like he's any Adonis himself either being on the weedy side. Perhaps you should suggest that to save your marriage he work out so that he actually has some visible muscles and ideally a six pack. Really though the thing he needs most is a different personality. I just can't get over the gall of the man to say these sorts of things to you. Flowers

I don't think it's really about the weight either. One of my friends once told me about some man who criticised her shape and would prod bits that he told her she should work on. She was a tiny size 6. I am glad to say that she moved on to a better class of man and I am sure you will too.

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