Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

Get rid of him - you don’t want to end up having kids with this loser.

A similar thing happened to my poor friend. The guy she had been living with turned on her out of nowhere and said she’s overweight and repulses him. Guess what? He was cheating.

Whaaaaat?! OMFG. What a revolting human being. Rub chilli peppers in the crotch of his pants and get out of that relationship pronto.

1. You and I are the same height, more or less the same size, and sounds like we're the same shape. I am not fat, and neither are you!
2. How DARE he say you should lose some weight; who the freaking hell does he think he is? He'd better be a model cast by the Gods themselves if he's going to make comments about physical appearance like that, the shallow b**stard.
3. Love isn't about what someone looks like physically. He should love you for you and be attracted to the person that you are. It shouldn't matter if you're a size 6 or a size 20 - and it wouldn't, to someone who is worth your time.
4. If you do this for him - and it will be for him, not you - what is he going to dictate next? Is he going to say he wants you to wear more make up? Get a boob job? Lose more weight?
5. I'd freaking tell him that yes, I could lose weight if I wanted, but it wouldn't solve anything because he'd still have an ugly personality and there's nothing less attractive than that.

Do not - NOT! - let this idiot make you feel you need to change yourself to be loved. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not imperfect or flawed, you are like the rest of us with curves, lumps and bumps. Real women do not look like pornstars and are not healthy for being a freaking stick insect. He doesn't deserve you.

I want to kneecap him for you, I'm so cross on your behalf!

Threatening suicide to control your behaviour is emotional blackmail and often said by abusers. I think you need to accept the relationship is over and start making plans. My marriage ended after less than two years and I was humiliated it ended so soon but life moves on and people quickly talk about other things.

These two things leaped out at me:

Yesterday I was very upset and basically starved myself all day. He knew I wasn’t really eating and he just seemed relieved that I was starting to try and lose weight

The fucker - I suppose he was eating as usual.

I made a joke yesterday about how it’s pancake day tomorrow and I won’t be able to have any now I’m on a starvation diet. Stupid thing to say I know but I was probably just wanting him to reassure me or something.
He replied “you can have one"
He’s being really controlling isn’t he?!

Yes he is - and woe betide you if you had (shock horror) TWO pancakes! No doubt he would have several - and probably you would cook them.

There is no happy ending to this I'm sorry. I know because I've been there. Like you I wasn't overweight but not overly skinny either and he was naturally skinny. He made comments, didn't like what I ate, I ended up eating secretly. When I lost weight he was ... oh how do I explain it ... overthetop pleased - telling everyone, it was embarrassing. Then of course I could never maintain it and he went off me again. This had a knock on effect and I got the ick for him too - I couldn't think well of anyone who was so shallow. Also he would say things to his mother (but meant for my ears) like if you were really determined you would starve yourself - yet he was a smoker and there was always a good reason why he failed when he tried to give up. I think it was something about it being an addiction.

How did it end - well I gave up and he left anyway saying he was sick of a sexless marriage - well it was sexless but he couldn't see why I found him unattractive. TBF it is only in recent years I have understood it myself.

Interestingly (well, to me anyway) his father was similar - both were skinny and to them skinniness was the epitome of attractiveness. His father was particularly gawky looking and not at all attractive, but in his eyes he was George Clooney. They both seemed to have these delusions about how attractive they were and utterly dismissed anyone who was larger - especially women. It sounds like your FIL might be similar.

Do you want to live on pins for ever, worrying about everything you eat, sneaking bags of crisps, being frowned at during meals out if you have a dessert - all whilst he tucks in and makes derogatory comments? That was my life for years and I ended up fatter than ever.

Find someone nice who likes you how you are - and as for the shortness of your marriage, well it's well known that some people only show their true colours after marriage - he certainly has. Nobody worth their salt will think any worse of you. I wish I had left him years and years before I did.

I think he'd going to get a shock when he discovers you're not just the lodger to be discarded. But his wife. With rights.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I asked him why he has sex with me regularly and is always calling me beautiful etc if he only sees me as a friend. He said he just thought it was the nice thing to do as he cares about my happiness but deep down he never meant it

I am not sure there is a way back from this. I am sorry. It is a shitty thing for him to do. maybe couples counselling? But in the end, I dont think he is likely to snap out of this.

Love is really very simple, you take someone as they are and love them for that. He is not worth your time, you are perfect as you are.

Yes once I’ve told my family and friends there will never be any going back as they will all hate him and I can’t be with someone those closest to me despise. It’s terrifying to tell them all but I will definitely do it soon. I’m just trying to get my head round everything that’s happened as I’ve gone from thinking I was in a happy long term marriage to this. Once I’ve digested it a bit more and calmed down I’ll get the ball rolling. I know even if he gets on his knees begging for remorse and he didn’t mean any of it we can’t ever go back to a normal relationship as I’ll never be able to forgive the things he’s said or feel secure or have trust. It would limp on for a few more months but would inevitably end within a year or so anyway so there’s no point trying to pretend otherwise

What an awful cruel minded and shallow person he is, one that you shouldn't wan't to live with anymore. You have known him for quite a while, and thought that you were in a happy relationship/marriage,but even if you split up, I would wan't to know why he has fobbed you off for so long, and giving you some stupid reasons, for saying what he did say to you.

I am not the kind of person, who says he must be having an affair, or dallying with another woman, although possible,, but you need to know if he is a liar or cheat, to get the real measure of him now.

@Robinred81

With regards to the inheritance - the money will go to my dad (his mum dying and he owns her house) and he will then transfer me whatever it is he’s going to be giving me from the sale of the house. So it won’t be happening anytime in the immediate future but likely by the end of the year. I won’t get him to transfer me anything until this situation is completely sorted as I would never want my husband to have any rights to that money

Definitely protect or hold off your dad transferring you rights to that money ASAP. Do not tell your 'D'H anything at all.

To the other PP who mentioned about rights to what OP is entitled to - I have no idea exactly as it's a short marriage, no DC etc.

But he's expecting her to walk away with very little and also to use her inheritance to pay off some of his mortgage.

A good solicitor will work out what OP can gauge out of this marriage, which will be a divorce. No point staying and sorry OP it has come to this, you're well rid of him.

Similar happened to daughter of family friend but he didn't body shame her, just announced out of the blue one day that he wasn't happy and next thing she knew she'd found out he was having an affair. He was a higher earner, but so was she for a lot of the marriage and they were married longer.

I've read the first 200 posts but this jumped out at me from your replies @Robinred81 - He’s at work right now so I’m fascinated to see how he’ll behave when he gets home. If he’ll be trying to act like nothing has really happened or if he’ll be moody and saying he wants to go ahead with splitting up.

He no longer gets to make that call. You can decide without him whether you want to pretend like nothing has happened and carry on or you get to decide that you're splitting up. He has had his say in the matter. It's your call now.
For what it is worth, I don't think I could stick around to be married to someone who had such a low opinion of me that they are only having 'pity' sex with me. I'm sorry if that reads as being harsh but it's what I've deduced from your posts so far. I'll go back and read more now.

There is book called
"I hate you, dont leave me"

But leave you must
His mh problems are his to address
Go free

How did you meet/fall in love?

Like you say, if you've always been roughly the same size, it's a bit baffling that he chose to enter a relationship with you in his 20s if he was never physically attracted to you. There's been no talk of rushing to have kids, or you being secretly a millionaire, so why did he do it?

The way he describes his ex is horrible. As other posters have pointed out, even if you lose weight, you'll still age, so what are you supposed to do then? Have surgery? He's being ridiculous.

Do not lose weight for him. And don't feel ashamed about your marriage not working out. You gave it your best shot - just because you married him, doesn't mean you are responsible for his shitty behaviour now.

@Robinred81

Yes once I’ve told my family and friends there will never be any going back as they will all hate him and I can’t be with someone those closest to me despise. It’s terrifying to tell them all but I will definitely do it soon. I’m just trying to get my head round everything that’s happened as I’ve gone from thinking I was in a happy long term marriage to this. Once I’ve digested it a bit more and calmed down I’ll get the ball rolling. I know even if he gets on his knees begging for remorse and he didn’t mean any of it we can’t ever go back to a normal relationship as I’ll never be able to forgive the things he’s said or feel secure or have trust. It would limp on for a few more months but would inevitably end within a year or so anyway so there’s no point trying to pretend otherwise

@Robinred81 - you say happy long term marriage - you mean relationship?

It might be worth you having some therapy whilst you see a divorce lawyer just to get your head straight.

I think in your situation I'd be furious either way because it looks like he's kept you hanging on a string for years - unless he's had a personality change overnight...

I'd be tempted to go for a divorce ASAP but stay in the house and tell him nothing.

It looks like you need to register your home rights.
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/marriage-your-rights-to-your-home/

Remember hes been very deceitful. He can't be trusted. Make sure you don't have joint accounts he can go overdrawn on. Joint credit cards etc.

He wants out, he wants it to be your 'fault'. Someone (maybe his DF) or something (from his childhood) has dripped poison in his ear.

You will be unlikely to ever be able to trust him again. This doesn't meany you will never trust anyone again, just him.

It is quite possible that there isn't anyone else. He just doesn't want to be in a relationship now but is too cowardly to say so.

Online affair would be my guess.

I won't tell you how awful and appalling he is that much is obvious - but remember you are his wife. You have rights, do not let him bully you. See a solicitor and make sure you get everything you're entitled to.
And enjoy your pancakes tomorrow! He is a disgrace. Love with limitations and requirements is not love.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It's truly shitty and you know there's only one solution. The upside to having married you just a few months before his "epiphany" is that he's lost half his assets now. Nae luck. Feel NO remorse about taking absolutely everything you are entitled to. Get a good lawyer. You deserve more than this.

Sending you a hug. All is not what it seems though trust me.

It sounds like he tried to use the threat of ending the marriage to manipulate you into losing weight, then started to backtrack when it looked like this might not work.

I'm sorry your husband turned out to be such an arsehole, you deserve better.

Not sure what grounds you have for divorce (unreasonable behaviour probably isn't quite there)

Is this a joke?

Of course it's unreasonable behaviour.

Not you, him.

He's a liar, he's lied to you for years. That's why this is happening, and that's the most you need to tell anyone unless you want to tell them more.

So glad to read through your thread and see you stiffening your resolve, and putting yourself to the fore. Well done! Don't stop, you're doing it right

I would say that since he bought it while you were together and only 2 years before you moved in and contributed and that you are now married that half the equity minus his deposit is fair.

Sorry I meant that I felt like my marriage was going to be long term and I was happy. Not that I’ve already been in a long term marriage if that makes sense.
To the pp who asked how we met - online dating and we were together about 2.5 years before moving in together. I’m actually slimmer now than I was when we first met by about a stone. I just don’t understand it!