Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

So now your focus is entirely upon your wellbeing & always to your benefit.

You are on the way to get good legal advice about what your rights are & what proportion of the marital assets (house, pensions, investments etc) you both may claim. As the marriage is short, you may both leave the marriage with much of what you brought in, BUT there are processes to be run for this stage of the divorce settlement. Get advice, get informed.

Do not move out of the house at this stage, do not allow yourself to be tidied away by him. You are equal partners in this marriage, not some one to be dismissed & packed up out of the way.

Gay? Maybe.
Other woman? Maybe
Controlling ? Yes.

The weight issue is just something to hang his complaints on. Were you so inclined, you might choose a physical attribute to complain & grind someone down by negging, but you are not that person.
Your single complaint (for now) is that he’s a mean bastard, seemingly out of the blue & there’s no going back from the bombshell he’s just dropped on you.

Better to get out now, do not stay to fix something broken particularly when he is mean spirited & controlling. You have seen glimpses of his underlying attitudes in his father, they have told you who they are.

Great or even regular good enough sex is not enough to clear away the damage & hurt of an unhappy marriage or toxic relationship.

You're not overweight, OP, but he sounds underweight. I wonder if he has grown up with issues around eating and body hating? Whatever the reason for his distorted views, he should not be taking out his feelings on you.

Don't lose weight unless you want to. Giving in to his unreasonable demands will only encourage him to be even worse. His behaviour is unforgiveable.

I hope you can make a clean break and go on to enjoy life --

Wrt his offer to pay for you to move to somewhere nice, if he really wanted you to move out, surely he'd want you to take the cheapest option of going to yr mum's

But if you went to your mum's you'd tell her what he said.

So i think he never really thought you'd leave over this. He thought you'd obligingly crack on with losing weight to prove your love and strive to keep him; the prize that he is.

And that would be nice for him. You continually wondering what more you coukd be doing for him in case he went off you again.

Leave him and get yourself tested for stis

There's someone else.

Leave now, with your dignity intact. Size 14 is not big in anyone's book.

Ps, id make at least three pancakes tomorrow, qll for myself. One with butter and lemon and sugar. One with chocolate spread and one with maple syrup. Then put the frying pan away.

So not only has he insulted you beyond belief, he's told you that he's been lying to you for the entire relationship and then said he fancied his ex more.
Wow. What a cunt.
Divorce him and be free of the shitbag.
You deserve SO much better.

You are the same size as you were when you met him. Its not a good idea to add trying to lose weight on to the stress of what he just said.
I don't know about you but I couldn't be intimate 3x per week for several years with someone I didn't find attractive so put that right out of your mind.
I think he may be a closeted bi-sexual who thought getting married would put "those" thought and feelings out of his life.
No matter what , you deserve to be treated well so as soon as you can get yourself out if this horrible situation

Ps, put the frying pan away meaning do not make him one

@ClawedButler

"Remember that you do not need to do anything yet.

You do not need to make any decisions.

You do not have to consider his mental or emotional state (he didn't consider yours)

You do not have to do anything drastic

You do not have to feel any particular thing

Just focus on right now, and get your basic needs met: get dressed, get washed, get fed, get warm, get comfortable. Anything else can wait for now."

I think these are such wise words. Very sorry OP, that you have all this to cope with when you had every reason to expect the man you thought you knew to continue to being that man. I hope you find you can take some personal pride in the end, in refusing to be manipulated by this idiot. I lost an awful lot of weight once in order to please a boyfriend, who was also very tall and extremely skinny (but you are in your 30s not 50s so can't be him but he was also contemptuous and manipulative) and all I got for it was attempts to share me with his friends now that I was good-looking enough in his eyes to be a commodity. Oh thanks. Sent me into a decade of depression while I tried to figure out what the hell had happened to the man I fell in love with, and what had happened to me. Answer to first: nothing as he didn't exist. Answer to second, a bit more difficult but I think it was lack of self-love to start with. So glad you are not intending to make the silly choices I did. Will be thinking of you today with respect.

For a solicitor Op you can search on law society for those specialising in divorce in your area. Local community Facebook page might have some recommendations if you don’t want to ask anyone. CAB might also have recommendations.
Remember you are in control. All you are doing is getting advice.

*I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me. *

I don't understand this... I'm probably similar to you as I'm also a pair-shaped 5'7 inch woman who wears size 14 but I physically couldn't lose 2 stone as I would then be clinically anorexic.

Sweet jesus, what have I just read? So sorry, what an awful thing to do to you. DH and I have plenty of problems, but the fact that I have gained 5 stone in the 9 years we have been together isn't one of them.

Either he loves you or he doesnt. Love is supposed to be unconditional. I would end the marriage immediately. Dont move out and get legal advice asap.

Good grief. I can honestly say this is one of the most shocking I've read.

As of now, the marriage you visualise is over. If you stay together, it will be what he wants.

He is trying to make you loose any esteem or self respect by telling you to loose weight.... you'll be easier to control then.

He chose to say those words, he can't take them back now. He was probably hoping you'd beg him to stay together.... which would show he has control of you.... but by getting upset he has realised he's pushed it a little to quick.... and is back tracking slightly with the "best friend" crap... just to pull you in futher.

Don't be fooled by this man. Stay with him and in a year you'll be an underweight shell of the person you are now.

Only you can decide what you want your life to be.... but remember it is NEVER going to be the future you were dreaming off if you stay together

It’s really important now to get clear in your head that your marriage hasn’t failed because you put on weight.

You haven’t been rejected because of your weight, or because of any aspect of you or anything to do with you.

You just had the misfortune and sheer bad luck to get involved with a man who isn’t capable of normal relationships with real women.

You’re not a stepford wife animatronic, unchanging, unaging robot - you’re a real human being. You’re not an image or a fantasy. You’re a real woman and he cannot handle that.

In a way it’s a blessing to find this out sooner rather than later. Walk away with your head held high. It’s very sad that he has turned out to be so utterly unworthy of your love. I hope that in time, when you’ve had a chance to heal you will meet someone who has the capacity and sheer good taste to treasure and cherish you as you deserve.

Yeah by all means lose weight..... 14 stone of Husband..

Has his hair started thinning yet OP? If I were in your position, I might consider pointing out the likelihood of his appearance changing over time.

Shocking thread OP. He is a liar, and a cruel one at that. He hasn't got to this point and only just acknowledged hidden feelings. He hasn't been enthusiastically having sex with you 3 x a week for 6 years against his will. He is a liar. He did fancy you, someone has caught his eye, and he is doing what they all do, rewriting history and trying to make you feel horrible at the same time. Nasty piece of shit.

And, OP, a 14 at 5'7 is hardly overweight. Im sure you're perfectly lovely to look at. He sounds like a pigeon chested, ugly little twat though.

If it were me, I'd be thanking him for showing you how superficial, shallow and downright nasty he is in his pursuit of someone else, and letting him know my solicitor would be in touch. Don't take the £1k. Tell him you are so horrified by his behaviour the sight of him repulses you to nausea and you have to leave as being on the same house is unbearable. And then eat a whole stack of pancakes. With chocolate spread, whipped cream and marshmallows. In front of him.

Great post by @LadyCordeliaFitzgerald

Spot on!

What a deceitful bell end.

I think it'd really good advice to not do anything yet. Think about possibilities. Speak to a solicitor. Don't move out.

He's strung you along for years. I'd be expecting financial compensation. The solicitor can help you with this. Wtf did he think you were a lodger with benefits.?

@Robinred81

He has said he would pay for a deposit and first months rent for me somewhere nice 🤨. I have lived here 3 years and paid for the bills and food (he paid the mortgage and car). After he sort of backtracked yesterday and said he did actually want to try and make our marriage work and he didn’t mean everything he said on Saturday other than thinking I’m overweight, he admitted that he does sometimes just think he’d be happier being alone and not being married. It’s almost like he’s trying to sabotage the relationship to get me to end things so he can be on his own again

Tell him he can pay for rent somewhere else for himself, your moving no where since its him that wants out of the marraige. Get yourself lawered up and find out where you stand. Just because it was his house first means nothing now your married. Get legal advice you have rights. He can’t backtrack now hes said his peace.

There is good advice here. I am referring here only what happened in my own situation but it’s to illustrate that the assets are joint and if I were in your position I really wouldn’t just leave it agree to anything (like rent/deposits).

Our home was in my husbands name only. It was his before we married but I did help finance a new kitchen when we got married. The equity in the house was divided between him and I equally, and I recall conversations about me being the one who paid for luxuries and food and holidays but he covered the mortgage. Half of the equity could well be yours to have and I wouldn’t dismiss that. It’ll mean you can afford a much bigger deposit on your own house and a smaller mortgage or a shorter term. Maybe he doesn’t realise this?

Due to DV I did have to leave the home and rent but my solicitor put some sort of block on him being able to do anything with the house until the divorce was settled. This was important as my name wasn’t on it. I think you need to look into this asap.

I think you need to lose probably 10-13 stone at a guess.
He sounds like a twat.

He definitely doesn’t understand how a divorce works or realises I’ll be entitled to anything much. He seems to think it’s as easy as us both signing a divorce paper and him giving a grand for rent and maybe buying a few bits of our furniture off me to save the hassle of removal men etc

I just wanted to send some love to you as someone in a similar situation, after nearly 3 years together (lived together for 2), he just woke up one day and decided he didnt love me anymore, didnt tell me for months, cheated on me, told me and then regretted it, so we tried to work things out and a week later he turned around and changed his mind again.

I'm still getting over it and its really difficult. It was hard telling people as like you say there is no coming back then I hope you manage to find some peace with yourself (and that he is alone and miserable forever haha)