Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

@Universaldebit - and that's just as irrelevant and equally unhelpful to the OP.

This could be about anything. It's the fact that he has told the OP he has never fancied her that is the issue. Not anyone on here's opinion about her weight.

As for her legal position, she needs to see a solicitor. None of us can advise her either way.

I would imagine his dad or brother has said something about their own partner and he has extrapolated this to his own life and you then because he loves you he hadn’t really considered it. So it’s about his image rather than yours! Just a guess.

Regardless, people get older, change weight, health, hair goes grey etc over time I wonder how you will ever be able to relax in such a superficial sphere as to start by having to loose and maintain a lower weight to suit him.

There are concerning hints of control in other things he has said too.

Only you can decide how to respond though.

There is absolutely no way would I want a relationship or marriage that depended on me weighing a certain amount of looking a certain way. Surely you would just be insecure for the rest of your life? I certainly would be. What happens if you have kids? What happens if you are ill?

I think you deserve so much more. I'd dump him and not look back. Better to break now whilst you have no kids than risk breaking your family up later when he decides there is some other random problem.

Well he's definitely trying to control you, he basically told you he would hang himself if you don't lose 2 stone .
He might be lying OP it might be something else and he's using this as his reason, but why hang around to find out. Just get a solicitor and start the divorce. You will never feel confident around him again.

@Robinred81

He paid mortgage (which is only £400 pm as it’s not an expensive area) and council tax and I pay all food and some other bills. He earns about 20k more than me. I am due a bit of inheritance soon and he was talking about me putting it on the mortgage to pay some of it off. Thank Christ that hasn’t happened yet!

Whatever happens between the two of you, you must now realise that the relationship will never be the same and if you do choose to stay together, make sure the money you have coming to you is ring fenced.

Oh he can fuck all the way off! He leads you on for 6 years, marries you, has plenty of sex with you and then drops this and expects you to then jump through hoops losing weight (that you should lose for yourself, if you want to, not on this arseholes say so) to try and what? 'Earn' his attraction back? Then he has the absolute audacity to imply that he'd 'hang himself' if you left? Is he taking the piss? Just what is this prince of a man going to do to restore himself as someone worthy of your time and attention? I'll take a stab at that, fuck all, that's what.

Nope. Get rid.

OMG what an absolute bastard, i would not belittle myself staying and losing weight for him just for him to love me !!! is he an adonis or something? What an absolute wanker. Leave with your head held high and dont look back. Good Luck.

@Universaldebit I got divorced 3 years ago and was shocked to discover that in the UK, the baseline is a 50-50 split of assets. I had paid 2/3 of the mortgage (with direct debits to prove it) but my ex got 50% of the house equity. It is also the case with other assets too, such as pensions. As my ex earned less than me and hadn’t even bothered to start a pension until very recently, he had a case for claiming part of mine on the basis that he would have been in financial hardship as a result of the divorce. Once you’re married, the starting point is a 50% split.

You can usually get a fixed fee appointment to discuss everything. I did this and that’s when I found out all of the above - I was really shocked but the reality is, the law is the law. It’s better to find out the facts sooner rather than later so time isn’t wasted imho.

@Robinred81

Yeah he said he entered into the relationship with me as we got along so well and he found my face beautiful. He said he’s never felt “it” though and there’s always been something missing for him (ie I’m not a size 8). I just don’t get why he proposed to me and married me if it’s always been such a massive issue for him?!

He's either lying or a psychopath. What sort of personality type would propose to someone he didn't want to marry? You'd have to be bonkers. So, I don't believe that for a minute. He's doing the classic of re writing history. To be honest, he seems all over the shop. Wants to be single (maybe), but if you leave (thus granting this wish), he will hang himself? He sounds deranged.

[quote Saurus72]@Universaldebit I got divorced 3 years ago and was shocked to discover that in the UK, the baseline is a 50-50 split of assets. I had paid 2/3 of the mortgage (with direct debits to prove it) but my ex got 50% of the house equity. It is also the case with other assets too, such as pensions. As my ex earned less than me and hadn’t even bothered to start a pension until very recently, he had a case for claiming part of mine on the basis that he would have been in financial hardship as a result of the divorce. Once you’re married, the starting point is a 50% split.

You can usually get a fixed fee appointment to discuss everything. I did this and that’s when I found out all of the above - I was really shocked but the reality is, the law is the law. It’s better to find out the facts sooner rather than later so time isn’t wasted imho.[/quote]
Wrong. I got divorced too (after a long marriage). A short marriage starting point is not legally 50% split. Argue all you want with google.

I agree he could be gay.

Do you actually want to be with such a shallow and deceitful man??

You sound lovely and you could do so much better.

[quote Clymene]@Universaldebit - and that's just as irrelevant and equally unhelpful to the OP.

This could be about anything. It's the fact that he has told the OP he has never fancied her that is the issue. Not anyone on here's opinion about her weight.

As for her legal position, she needs to see a solicitor. None of us can advise her either way.

[/quote]
QUOTE FROM MY FIRST POST;

'However, he has lied to you throughout the whole relationship by behaving as if he fancied you when he didnt. This is the part I couldn't get over. . .him faking it. So for me, it would likely be over.'

Wish people would read before they criticise and argue for the sake of it.

Was my post relevant and helpful now? Does it get your approval??

Did you tell him to hit the gym? Does he have all his own hair still? Prick.

Sounds like he’s panicked, said something random and now picking a equally random number and attaching it to your worth !?
I imagine it’s something deeper , but do not fell less than or unattractive or overweight because he’s suddenly blurted this out.

Get fit/in shake if you like: but for your next husband , not him.

I was a tiny size 8 when I met my husband, four years and two children later I was a size ten.
my DH saw me eating cake and almost screamed "you need to loose weight"

Comments followed whenever I bought a size 10 item of clothing "you should be buying an 8!"

Then a few years later he commented to his friends girlfriend (ten years younger than me, no children) that she was so fabulously slim.

A few years later he stated that "you don't flatter my ego enough" I was still a size 10!

I divorced him, got 80% of everything and a very generous maintenance payment.😂😂

My advise, do not move out...I'd string him along for a while, as you attempt to loose weight. (it will help with the divorce) then take the fucker for all you can get.

Just to correct the assumptions.

They are married, albeit only 7 months, but together six years - the house was bought less than six years ago, she moved in three years ago - and it is the marital home. She's going to get a percentage of it whether he likes it or not. Enough for them both to be able to separate and start again.

She can call it compensation.

See a lawyer, do not move out, place a home rights notice on the property and do not agree to the decree absolute until the finances are resolved.

I think you should tell your mum straightaway. Actually speaking the words out loud to someone who knows you should help. At the moment you're in a dialogue where he's convinced that he's right and you're unsettled. Mumsnet is now adding supportive voices but someone in real life needs to confirm that he's bonkers.

Let's think about what he's saying:

• he's never properly fancied you

Even if this is true, then that's his issue and you can't be expected to have guessed

• he'd fancy you if you lost weight

Would he though? Let's say he's right. You accept that you're in a superficial relationship with someone who wants a trophy wife. Does that mean that you can tell him to start bodybuilding? What if he needs glasses, can you veto that because you don't find them sexy? Clearly this is not a way to live.

So we're left with him wanting to unsettle you, why is that? He wants you to feel unsettled? Is he so emotionally immature that he doesn't realise you have feelings? The answer doesn't matter, and you won't be able to find it for him so don't waste your time looking.

Even if he had a point (he doesn't) this is not the way to go about things. Try to ignore him (that'll unsettle him 😂), go to your mums, distract yourself with a night out or a walk or a book etc. Talk to a solicitor. Take control.

Tell him you only give him blow jobs in the hope it works like a balloon and he stops being a skinny prick.

Get legal advice about the financials asap. Especially if you have an inheritance coming and you are married.

What's next? He'd fancy you more with implants? Bleach your hair?

Do all the stuff they do in porn? Dress up as a crocodile?

Much as I hate joining in a pile on, sometimes it is thoroughly justified. See a solicitor unless you really want to be an unhappy doormat for ever.

How about losing a good 15 stone?(LTB in other words!) He sounds very disrespectful.How did he just "wake up" and realise this?

Practicalities here OP, start divorce proceedings ASAP. Shaft the bastard for all he's worth and live in your home until he's paid you your divorce settlement.
I'd get shot of him before this inheritance, or he'll have a claim on it.
Sorry you married a cunt .

One other thing, don't stay because as soon as he does have an affair he'll say "I told you I didn't find you attractive and you didn't change so what was I supposed to do?"

The 50/50 is a baseline, not necessarily the outcome (as I mentioned in my previous post). Other things are taken into account such as financial situation now and on the future which means the result may not be 50/50, but that is the starting point.

I don’t need to ‘argue with Google’ I’m a sane and logical person who can read.

With regards to the inheritance - the money will go to my dad (his mum dying and he owns her house) and he will then transfer me whatever it is he’s going to be giving me from the sale of the house. So it won’t be happening anytime in the immediate future but likely by the end of the year. I won’t get him to transfer me anything until this situation is completely sorted as I would never want my husband to have any rights to that money