Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

I suffer with quite bad anxiety so the idea of having to speak to one is making me panic but I know it needs to be done so I at least know where I stand if we divorce.

Did you start acting more secure and confident around him once you were married? It sounds as if you were feeling very happy and confident until he dropped the bombshell. I wonder if what he really finds attractive is the anxious insecure you. Because that makes him feel confident and in charge?

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.

Potentially, eh? So you'll be feeling nice and insecure from now til forever.

No he didn’t tell me that he left his ex because she put weight on until this weekend

That figures. He's chosen his weapon.

He has said he would pay for a deposit and first months rent for me somewhere nice

"That's nice but we're married now, it doesn't work like that."

When he saw how upset I was he backtracked a bit and said he did want to try and make our marriage work

"What marriage is that? You've just told me you don't love me and you didn't want to have sex with me for years. You're either lying now or you were lying when we married. And it doesn't matter which."

Well actually it's safest not to say that. You just head off to your Mum's and see the solicitor etc.

@Muminabun

You are not fat or overweight. He is vile. The house is 50% yours and he knows this. He wants to end it. He has already been planning you moving out. Don’t be strung along. Be ruthless with him. He is not who you thought he was. Solicitors appointment.

Agreed with @Muminabun - house might not be 50% yours but might be. Not sure what grounds you have for divorce (unreasonable behaviour probably isn't quite there) but he can't just divorce you and chuck you out and it's good you have your 6/7 year relationship as well as living with him even though a 7 month marriage.

There probably is another woman or man but either way he can't just play around with your feelings and say he wants this and that and expect you to jump so high and leave.

See a divorce solicitor ASAP, speak to your mum but don't move out, take a couple of days off work and see some understanding friends.

Sounds a bit like 7 year itch scenario but he also has some very skewed ideas about women's weight and how slim they should be for their menfolk.

@Muminabun

You are not fat or overweight. He is vile. The house is 50% yours and he knows this. He wants to end it. He has already been planning you moving out. Don’t be strung along. Be ruthless with him. He is not who you thought he was. Solicitors appointment.

Would people stop saying this rubbish, it's juvenile. How we see weight on people is subjective. A person who weighs 8stone and is a size 6 would most likely think a size 14 person is overweight, just the same way a person who is a size 22 may think a size 14 is slim.

The house is not automatically 50% the Op's. The marriage is very short and the OP has stated that the house is her Husbands and he has been paying all the mortgage/bills towards his house.

I wish people would stop spouting off wrong information under the guise of being supportive - its not helpful to the OP!!!!

What an idiot he is. He's just rewriting history. Well, unfortunately for him he DID marry you and now he's going to lose half his house to you in the divorce. Serve him right. You can and will do a lot better than him op.

I don't think you can come back from this now that he's put this out there. You clearly don't have a problem with your weight and would only be losing weight for him. This aside, he has strung you along for years and pulled the rug out from under you in the most cruel way, almost making it sound like your fault and that he was lying 'for you'. The more questions you ask the more hurt you're going to get, I wouldn't hang around with getting a divorce.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.

^
😂😂😂😂

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

I suffer with quite bad anxiety so the idea of having to speak to one is making me panic but I know it needs to be done so I at least know where I stand if we divorce.

Did you start acting more secure and confident around him once you were married? It sounds as if you were feeling very happy and confident until he dropped the bombshell. I wonder if what he really finds attractive is the anxious insecure you. Because that makes him feel confident and in charge?

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.

Potentially, eh? So you'll be feeling nice and insecure from now til forever.

No he didn’t tell me that he left his ex because she put weight on until this weekend

That figures. He's chosen his weapon.

He has said he would pay for a deposit and first months rent for me somewhere nice

"That's nice but we're married now, it doesn't work like that."

When he saw how upset I was he backtracked a bit and said he did want to try and make our marriage work

"What marriage is that? You've just told me you don't love me and you didn't want to have sex with me for years. You're either lying now or you were lying when we married. And it doesn't matter which."

Well actually it's safest not to say that. You just head off to your Mum's and see the solicitor etc.

Also (have mentioned this on here before) I worked for a divorce and family solicitors before. Find one with good reviews (preferably recommendation) but the vast majority of them are lovely (they have to be, to listen to their clients marriage woes!) and they will be on your side, not his. Most offer 30 mins free initial consultation.

Have a coffee nearby before. If necessary take someone with you for moral support.

What a nasty piece of work he is. Whatever has happened, it is not your weight. He is trying to make it your fault.

Please do not feel ashamed that your marriage lasted only 7 months. Make sure you tell all his family and friends that he would only stay in the marriage if you lose 2 stone. The only person coming out of it looking bad is him.

Hope you find the strength to deal with it.

@Universaldebit - the house may not be 50% hers but she's lived with him 3 years prior to marriage and paid food and utility bills.

Good lord. What a fucking bellend. I’m so sorry. I don’t have any advice just a massive hug.

@ClawedButler

*He wants out. He wants it to be your fault.*

This is it in a nutshell, isn't it.

He's re-writing history to construct a narrative where he is still the good guy.

He can take this re-written history, roll it tightly into a cigar shape, and insert it right up his rectum.

Please op read this and read it again. There is nothing wrong with you, he's talking horse shit & looking to blame you when whatever he's up to comes to light. Take the upper hand - speak to a solicitor, take copies of anything & everything relating to mortgage, finances etc and tell him to move out if he finds you that repulsive but please please stop thinking losing a few pounds will suddenly change things. Don't ask him for explanations or what went wrong - it is just an invitation for him to keep putting you down and can't undo the damage he's done. You need to accept your marriage is over and get some real life support.

He paid mortgage (which is only £400 pm as it’s not an expensive area) and council tax and I pay all food and some other bills. He earns about 20k more than me. I am due a bit of inheritance soon and he was talking about me putting it on the mortgage to pay some of it off. Thank Christ that hasn’t happened yet!

I agree with BowerOfBramble assume everything he say is a lie or done for some reason - and try not to take it on board or work out what is behind it and focus on you and what you need to happen.

I know some posters are saying you'll get 50% of the house - I don't think that's correct with your situation but a solicitor will be best place to advice and you may well be entitled to more than he first thought.

Wow. He had sex with you to be "nice"

🤣

Op sorry to post a laughing face but do not sit there feeling "fat". You're not.

[quote Gonnagetgoing]@Universaldebit - the house may not be 50% hers but she's lived with him 3 years prior to marriage and paid food and utility bills.[/quote]
It doesn't mean much I'm afraid. Unless I'm mistaken, the husband has paid all the mortgage throughout the marriage. And their marriage (which includes cohabiting) is legally termed as short i.e. less than 5 years.

@Juniper68

There's been a few red flags you just chose to ignore them.

Take someone with you to the solicitors. Do you have CAB near you?

I don’t think that’s fair Juniper. Red flags aren’t always that obvious along the way and OP only sees them for what they are after this horrible jolt, which is understandable.

It would be a good idea to take someone with you OP; another pair of ears if you’re feeling understandably anxious and distracted. Don’t make any major decisions until you’ve had some advice.

I don’t think I’ll be entitled to half the house but for him to think giving me something like £1000 to cover rent and deposit for a month somewhere grotty when Ive lose my marriage, my home and my self esteem seems ridiculous! I would be hoping for a deposit to buy somewhere so I can move on with my life properly

How can I ever trust a man again when my whole 6 year relationship has apparently been total bullshit?!

I know you're struggling to believe this but the weight thing is 100% an excuse. He wants out of the marriage for whatever reason - probably because he has his eye on someone else - and he's come up with this nonsense to justify it. He's claiming to have felt this way for years so when he gets with somebody new a few weeks after you've split, he can say it was nothing to do with her.

He's a total shitbag and there is NOTHING wrong with you.

@Drawerofcrap

If you're married you should have a claim on 'his' house as it'sa marital asset, so stop thinking of it as his house....it's your house too. Could he be having an affair with your friend?

This just isn't true. They've only been married 7 months and it was his house to start with, so she is very unlikely to have a claim on it.

Your weight is perfectly fine. Size fourteen, big fucking deal. Fuck off. That is very average. What kind of prince is he? Are his looks absolutely princely? Does he have a single flaw? I'm guessing you could find one or two improvements you could make. Such as, you didn't act like a complete asswipe and say our marriage is over. I say take him to the cleaner's, girl.

Ok, first of all, accept that it is over. His ultimatum means nothing; he's just as likely to change his tune again when/if you do manage to lose weight. You've been this size for your entire relationship so if he's telling the truth, he's been lying to you for a long time.

Also please stop making the passive aggressive "oh I can't eat pancakes on Tuesday because I'll be starving myself" lines. I cringed all the way from here at that one. He wouldn't give a shit if you missed out on pancakes. He's the sort of person who has essentially told you to piss of because you're too fat; I'm surprised he didn't just agree with you. He isn't going to feel shame so stop trying that game.

Go talk to a lawyer. I'm sorry.

What an awful man. He is a manipulative bully. Do not lose weight to try and please him. He will just find something else that he can try and control you with. You need to leave before your self esteem is ruined.

I think you should speak to your mum/friends. They will give you the confidence to stand up for yourself. It sounds like he’s making your weight an excuse to get out of the marriage. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s gay.

I think your plan to get to your mum and then sort out a solicitor is a good one. Get your head together, because regardless if you get £5 or £50k, you need to get away from him initially.

How can I ever trust a man again when my whole 6 year relationship has apparently been total bullshit?!

I wouldn't believe that @Robinred81 . I'd think he's just taking you for granted/not valuing you at the moment, and being under the delusion he can do better.

A person who weighs 8stone and is a size 6 would most likely think a size 14 person is overweight

I go by what is a healthy weight range medically. There's a range of about 2 and a half stone or something for each height. For instance at 5ft 4, mine is between about 7st 10 and 10 stone 6. So no, when I'm a size 8 (it varies. :) ) I don't see all people who think they are a size 14 as overweight. You can usually tell if it's within the healthy range or not.

He's a dickhead.