Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

No oral is indicative of being gay imo. An ex of mine didn't do it and he's turned out to be gay.

Dh loves it. I'm 5 ft 8 and size 14/16. I'll lose weight on my terms.

OP
You are not overweight. You are not unloveable. You have just been unlucky in your affections.

He is a skinny liar and has robbed you of time and real affection.

Remember from now that he is not your friend.

His protestations on that are as truthful as his Valentines card.

I'm so sorry, OP, he is being unbelievably awful to you.

You're right, there is no coming back from this. Even if you lost the weight (which you do NOT need to in order to be attractive, to him or to anyone else), if you're like most of us, at least some of it would creep back on again sometime. Do you spend the rest of your married life feeling paranoid about putting on weight and developing an eating disorder, just so you can be worthy of his commitment? No you do not!!

Please speak to your mum as soon as you feel ready.

Check the Separation & Divorce board on here for good advice about legalities too. Do not make a decision about moving out until you have had advice from a solicitor and had a chance to think it over.

But he should sleep in the guest room from now on.

@Juniper68

No oral is indicative of being gay imo. An ex of mine didn't do it and he's turned out to be gay.

Dh loves it. I'm 5 ft 8 and size 14/16. I'll lose weight on my terms.

Bullshit

So sorry he's putting you through this, you deserve so much more . I agree with PPs that there's no coming back from his nasty, manipulative behaviour and that's totally on him and you have no reason at all to feel responsible for the breakup.

We had Valentine’s Day recently and he wrote in the card about how lucky he is to have me and he can’t wait to spend all his valentines with me. I know those are just cheesy words that people write on days like that but it seems so insane for him to write stuff like that when he’s secretly been plotting to split up with me for a long time. Totally agree with you and for a logical, caring person this would absolutely be true. However your husband is a headfuck and doesn't think like a decent person. I had an ex end a serious cohabiting relationship of several years after he'd met someone else. He literally signed a contract to move into a new house with me and broke up with me the day after we moved. This came after weeks of him telling me how excited he was to be moving to a nicer house with me! Didn't think it may have been sensible and kinder to break up with me sooner.

Keep posting on here for support if it's helping of course, but I would try to confide in your Mum about what's happening as soon as you feel able to. Don't let him try to talk you into 'working things out' or anything like that.

Maybe he's cheating now or trying to give himself a reason to start, I don't know. But the focus on your weight right out of the blue makes me wonder if 'someone said something' about it to him. You know, mates and 'banter', the men in his family, a coworker commenting, something like that. Some arseholes men are really susceptible to that and from what you say about him and his dad (the new mum comment) it sounds as if he fits that category. His 'sort of' turnaround to now wanting to save the marriage also indicates to me that he expected you to just accept that you 'need' to lose weight (to save his face with whoever) and that he panicked when you pushed back.

If this rings true, then he's a very shallow man and as time goes on he'll most likely resent the normal signs of aging in you that all of us show. My DH has loved me through 'thick' and thin. And now he loves me with wrinkles, grey streaks, and a body that's certainly not as 'perky' as it was many years ago. Just as I love him.

And as far as him not giving oral sex, since when does being overweight make one's fanjo 'fat'?

@Robinred81 He doesn't sound nice, but I think if you do want to try and salvage anything you need to walk away now and make it clear what he's said and how he's acted are unacceptable. He either takes you as you are or not at all. This is the only way to maintain any level of respect.

I think it's strange for him to seize on your weight now after all these years - aside from the initial holiday thing, has he honestly never mentioned it through the years?

It sounds to me like he feels like he's 'got you' now that you're married so he's going to start putting the screws on to make you feel bad and do/be exactly what he wants. Not good.

Oh, and PS......dump him. None of us is ever 'perfect' and he'll probably go through life picking faults with you.

He wants out.
He wants it to be your fault.

This is it in a nutshell, isn't it.

He's re-writing history to construct a narrative where he is still the good guy.

He can take this re-written history, roll it tightly into a cigar shape, and insert it right up his rectum.

I feel like I’ll struggle to ever date anyone again. How can I ever trust a man again when my whole 6 year relationship has apparently been total bullshit?! I will post here later to let you know how he’s behaving when he’s home. I think he believes we’re just going to pretend nothings happened and I’ll lose the weight and he’ll decide in the summer if I’m sexy enough or not for him yet.
Honest to god I could never have foreseen this happening as even though there have been a few red flags here or there we have, on the whole, had a happy relationship.
As for him never giving me oral I’ve asked him many times about it and he said he just doesn’t find oral sex a turn on (me giving it to him included) but he’s now saying it’s because I’m fat so he didn’t want to do it to me 😐.
And to the pp who said I’m a wet lettuce and being pathetic - yes I have been bullied before and been in bad relationships before too. I obviously just draw horrible people to me for some reason. I have anxiety so I know I’m being a pushover but I’m trying really hard not to be now as I can’t see how we can possibly be happy together again

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea O said indicative imo. Not he's definitely gay ffs. Only ever known one man not like giving oral and he's turned out to be gay.

The flags were there but you didn't see them properly. Until now. Every update he sounds worse. It is not you or whatever weight you are. It's him. He's sounding pretty awful. Free yourself from his weird control and live your life.

You are not fat or overweight. He is vile. The house is 50% yours and he knows this. He wants to end it. He has already been planning you moving out. Don’t be strung along. Be ruthless with him. He is not who you thought he was. Solicitors appointment.

5 7 and size 14 is NOT 'chunky'; I am 5'7 and size 16 and look skinny as hell. He's possibly gay and has been in denial all this time and may just eb realising it? Other than that dump his backside after seeking legal advice maybe talk to his family or friends.

Best of luck my lovely and remember whatever he says, you are gorgeous and sexy and too damn good for him!

He sounds awful. Get out of this asap

@Robinred81

To answer a few questions…

1. I’ve not told my mum. Feel so scared of telling people as it makes it all more “final”. My parents will be beyond furious.

1. His body is very skinny. He’s 6ft 2 and a size 30 waist with no muscle. His ex from years ago was very petite and I asked him if he was more attracted to her and he said “yes at the time I had more of a physical attraction with her”. His last partner before me started off as a size 8-10 but she crept up to a 14 and he said that’s the reason he left her and if she hadn’t gained the weight he would likely still be with her now.

1. The house is only worth about 140k and there is 60k left of the mortgage

1. We have a spare room he can sleep in. He was trying to act last night like nothing had really happened.

Ah so he has admitted to only being attracted to slim women then. He is perfectly entitled to be attracted to whatever size woman he wants and nobody should criticise him for this. He is perfectly within his rights to fancy whatever type of body shape he pleases.

However, he has lied to you throughout the whole relationship by behaving as if he fancied you when he didnt. This is the part I couldn't get over. . .him faking it. So for me, it would likely be over.

If anyone's being "pathetic" it's him.

He can't even own his feelings and actions.

I'd tell him he needs to gain some muscle. You didn't like to say but as you're being honest his scrawny, unmanly appearance isn't particularly attractive.

What an asshole.

If he didn't like you at the start because of your weight that's fair enough he should've not got into a relationship with you then.

What's his excuse to leave it so long to say? Does he think he's doing you a favour?

He may not think you're beautiful but someone else will- give them your effort instead.

I'm so sorry 🌸

Yeah he said he entered into the relationship with me as we got along so well and he found my face beautiful. He said he’s never felt “it” though and there’s always been something missing for him (ie I’m not a size 8). I just don’t get why he proposed to me and married me if it’s always been such a massive issue for him?!

Sending an ENORMOUS hug to you OP. The longer you spend around him the sadder and more pushovery-feeling you'll get. Good plan to get away for a bit. Tell him you're not doing that the wise women on here call the "pick me dance" and he'll need to find himself a new idiot if that's what he wants. (Not that you are one AT ALL)

Run and don’t look back.

There is something going on. Another woman or man or something.

Loose 2st and it’ll be fine - of course it won’t and never change yourself for anyone but you

If he's talking about potentially hanging himself he needs urgent psychiatric help

Someone wouldn't necessarily look like a man, but if someone's 5ft 7 or even at different heights, it doesn't suit everyone. My mum's been a 14 most of her life and it suits her, but at 5ft 8, she said people thought she looked ill when she was lighter.

It sounds like B.S. @Robinred81 if he's never expressed a problem with your size before.

It's either a midlife crisis (maybe his ego thinks he could do better than you, he takes you for granted) or he fancies someone.

Either way, I don't think I could stay with him after these comments, or maybe I'd separate from him for a while to show that he can't take me for granted, and not get back with him unless and until he'd got with the programme and realized how he needed to treat me.

As to your weight, you could check if your BMI is under 25. www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-weight/bmi-calculator/ Having a BMI over 25 carries health risks for most people unless they're professional body builders or something. At a size 14 and your height, you probably don't need to lose much, if any.

@Robinred81

Yeah he said he entered into the relationship with me as we got along so well and he found my face beautiful. He said he’s never felt “it” though and there’s always been something missing for him (ie I’m not a size 8). I just don’t get why he proposed to me and married me if it’s always been such a massive issue for him?!

And I'd honestly just have a working assumption that everything he's saying now is a lie.

When some people are squirming and have an ulterior motive they'll literally say ANYTHING.

Just imagine he's a raving loony and talking to the laundry or something.

So allegedly for seven whole years he has maintained a relationship with a woman he regularly slept with and said he loved and chose to marry when all along she isn't his type?

Be confident that the problem here isn't you OP and never has been.