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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

999 replies

Robinred81 · 28/02/2022 11:25

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

OP posts:
AsymQuestion · 28/02/2022 13:39

I know this hurts and the pain and rejection and insecurity you must be feeling must be huge but ITS NOT YOU. None of it.

Its laughable, he's dealt a deeply shocking and devastating blow to you but has decided to tell you HE may want to kill himself if you split as HE won't be able to cope without you.

This happening now, though it feels like hell, will be the best thing that has ever happened to you in that you are realising who this slimeball is.

You get to get away! and live a happy life either alone or with someone that doesn't withhold, make conditions, control, someone who would be horrified that they had said something so awful that you couldn't eat!! Someone who truly cares and treasures you.

silverbubbles · 28/02/2022 13:40

You are still young. Leave this man now and move on with your life. You must not consider dieting to please him - this will be only the start of it..

There is no way that this will not continue to rear its head.

AuntMasha · 28/02/2022 13:42

What a horrible, empty, unattractive and inadequate man he is.

You deserve so much better, OP. 💐

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 28/02/2022 13:42

He is very precise in his idea of what makes you suddenly fanciable.

The 2 stone would give you a boyish figure.

Perhaps he now realises that is what he fancies - a boy.

(Note - oral sex would ruin the illusion of you as a boy of course.)

A loss of 2 stone will not make you a boy OP. He will have to find another reason.

Anyway, if he doesn't love you 'because'... then he doesn't love you.
Would you suddenly fall out of love with him if he was horribly scarred - lost a leg or his hair?

Juniper68 · 28/02/2022 13:42

There's been a few red flags you just chose to ignore them.

Take someone with you to the solicitors. Do you have CAB near you?

forrestgreen · 28/02/2022 13:42

Just because he 'paid' the mortgage doesn't mean you don't have a share. You contributed fairly towards your life together. See a solicitor

NannaKaren · 28/02/2022 13:43

What a pig! Yes there will be someone else …
I’m in agreement with ‘ImAvingOops’
Get advice and get divorced - you’ll be well rid - sorry I’m sure you are just gorgeous as you are! Xxx

Original poster
Robinred81 · 28/02/2022 13:43

No he didn’t tell me that he left his ex because she put weight on until this weekend. He mentioned in passing years ago that they just drifted apart and weren’t intimate anymore.
He gets home at 4 and I won’t finish work until half 5 (not that I’m doing much as I can’t focus) so I’ll have to see him later. My mum is out all evening at some workshop thing too. So I’m thinking I’ll just stay upstairs later and if he tries to speak to me I’ll tell him I have a headache and to leave me alone.
Tomorrow morning I’ll go to my mum’s and explain what’s happened and she’ll help me with the solicitor.
I don’t think he’s going to come home later and try to sweet talk me to stay or anything. Knowing him he’ll probably just act fairly distant

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 28/02/2022 13:46

You'll never be able to get past this with him.
A best friend doesn't treat one another like this.
Very controlling.

YouOKhun · 28/02/2022 13:46

@Needdoughnuts

Yep agree it's porn if there is no one else. Could he be confused about his own sexuality?
Yes I agree with @Needdoughnuts, if there is really no one else then these are possibilities. Whatever is going on it sure isn’t your weight that’s at the centre of this. He’s just trying to hand you the responsibility and blame for what happens next - it’s really cruel to be an emotional coward like he’s being. Please don’t think that you’ve been living a lie, it’s that something is going on that has nothing to do with you. You deserve far better @Robinred81 Flowers
girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 13:47

He doesn't love you like a friend because friends don't treat each other like this.
Losing weight won't make him fall in love with you.

Turquoisesea · 28/02/2022 13:47

I think he is being a massive coward. It sounds like his feelings have changed and instead of being honest is trying to use your weight (which sounds absolutely fine by the way) as a reason. My DH is very slim and always has been and I’m a 12/14 having been a 10 when we met and he hasn’t once ever mentioned my weight. He sounds very cruel, do not lose weight for him. How dare he tell you what you should do to be ‘worthy’ of being attractive to him.

Figgygal · 28/02/2022 13:49

He sounds like an absolute pig
How dare he basically say your whole relationship is a lie
Honestly fuck him op and his attitude you are worth better than him putting you on a diet to make yourself more attractive to him
Oohh im so angry on your behalf

CatrinVennastin · 28/02/2022 13:49

My ex partner used to do all that romantic bollocks with soppy cards and telling me I was "beautiful". IMHO this behaviour is often to cover up something else (in the case of my ex he rekindled an affair with an ex girlfriend). It makes you feel like you are the centre of his world etc etc.

And as for your H threatening to kill himself that is pathetic and an insult to those with actual MH issues.

Have my first LTB. What a cock.

You sound lovely OP. Please don't waste anymore time on this wanker.

Newbabynewhouse · 28/02/2022 13:51

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SlightlyJaded · 28/02/2022 13:51

IT IS NOT YOUR WEIGHT
IT IS NOT YOUR WEIGHT
IT IS NOT YOUR WEIGHT

He doesn't like the commitment of being married
He may or may not have his eye on someone else but he wants that to be an option
He has NO IDEA how lucky he is to have you
He has zero respect for you
He is fundamentally selfish and unkind and would hurt you in order to make you leave and allow him to still be the 'good guy'.

As for offering to pay a months worth of rent...? I. Can't. Even. What an actual wanker.

He wants out.
He wants it to be your fault.

You don't have kids, you haven't even wasted a year on this marriage. Kick him to the kerb OP and find someone who deserves you.

ClawedButler · 28/02/2022 13:51

Yes, go to your mum's, you're not really in the right headspace to get much work done atm anyway - if you can get a couple of days off just for some breathing space, that would be good.

You can't un-bomb a marriage. He really has got tickets on himself if he imagines that marrying you without being attracted to you was some sort of magnanimous gesture. Lucky you, getting this whining ironing board glittering prize of a man willing to put up with you.

Remember that you do not need to do anything yet.

You do not need to make any decisions.

You do not have to consider his mental or emotional state (he didn't consider yours)

You do not have to do anything drastic

You do not have to feel any particular thing

Just focus on right now, and get your basic needs met: get dressed, get washed, get fed, get warm, get comfortable. Anything else can wait for now.

BlondeDogLady · 28/02/2022 13:52

He gets home at 4 and I won’t finish work until half 5

So, there is time for him to be doing things that you're unaware of? Not saying that he is, it's just that you appeared to say earlier that you always knew where he was.

hulahooper2 · 28/02/2022 13:52

Sorry but he sounds like he wants out , if you lose weight he’ll find another reason. Speaking from experience don’t prolong the agony , just leave him

Andouillette · 28/02/2022 13:52

@LostMyLastHatfulOfWords

He is very precise in his idea of what makes you suddenly fanciable. The 2 stone would give you a boyish figure. Perhaps he now realises that is what he fancies - a boy.

(Note - oral sex would ruin the illusion of you as a boy of course.)

A loss of 2 stone will not make you a boy OP. He will have to find another reason.

Anyway, if he doesn't love you 'because'... then he doesn't love you.
Would you suddenly fall out of love with him if he was horribly scarred - lost a leg or his hair?

Thank you, you have saved me a huge amount of typing as this is my exact suspicion and I couldn't think of a way to say it. OP, get away from this horrid excuse for a man, he is manipulative, nasty and potentially very dishonest. Phone a lawyer, don't worry about crying, I did, all over my lawyer's receptionist, she was so kind. If you can confide in your mother or a very close friend, do. They can be a useful sounding board and will be there to hold your hand as yu make decisions. Looking much further forward, you sound like such a nice person, I am sure there's much better out there for you when the time comes. As for Captain Weight-Loss, him I see breaking up with his umptythird partner (female or male) who didn't quiiiiiite fit his jaundiced idea of 'perfection' and wondering where it all went wrong. Serve him bloody well right!
Original poster
Robinred81 · 28/02/2022 13:54

I work from home so when he’s home at 4 I’m in the house working until half 5. I suppose he would have time then to be having an emotional affair or something along those lines but he’s usually doing DIY stuff renovating the house and I can hear him. It’s not out of the realms of possibility though that he’s speaking to someone else throughout the day. He’s not secretive with his phone but maybe he has another one I don’t know about

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 28/02/2022 13:55

I really don't think this is about weight, it's the control over you that he wants. Like some other poster said, it'll be your hair colour next, then the clothes you wear and so on...
I have no personal experience of divorce but I would think it's advisable that you consult a lawyer before leaving the house.
I also wouldn't pretend I have a headache, just say you're extremely upset by his comments but you won't be going on any kind of diet. Good luck OP. What a horrible situation Flowers

Wednesdayafternoon · 28/02/2022 13:55

So his feelings towards you and him misleading you into a sense of security and love is because of you and your weight and you must do something about it or else it's over.

This is emotional abuse. It's gas lighting. He's responsible for his feelings and his actions. It's not your fault.

What if you loose the weight and then it's something else? Your hair colour or you friends. You can't just change incase for HIM.

What an absolutely awful thing for him to say. I am so incredibly sad for you OP. Could you even get over him saying this, would you ever feel secure?
I know you might not have the strength too, but I would leave this "man". I know nothing about you but I can already tell you that you deserve a million times more then this!!!!

Sending lots and lots of love.

My husband walked out on me out of the blue. You can and will get over this.

MsTSwift · 28/02/2022 13:55

Urgh. I was size 14 and lost 2 stone to a 10 my Dh never dared to comment either way except to say I always look great. That’s as it should be!

rosequartz8 · 28/02/2022 13:56

What a horrible man and it seems like he is just using your weight as an excuse. I'm sorry but you deserve to be treated so much betterFlowers