Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

he has taken your right of choice. He claims he felt like this before you were married, so why didn't he tell you, so that you had the choice of whether you wanted to marry someone who didn't find you attractive.
It all smells like bullshit, and is very typical of men who are trying to escape a marriage for whatever reason.
Take back power and decide on your own timeline - don;t wait for him to say what you as a couple will and won't do. IME this kind of talk is a preliminary to a bigger bombshell (that he is having an affair/is gay/whatever) he would like you to be the one to leave as that will save him the guilt of being the person who ends the marriage, so he will gradually be ever more nasty, this may just be the beginning of things that will undermine your confidence and self esteem.
Very similar to the type of stuff my XH was saying (although we'd been married over 30 years). I thought mine couldn't possibly be having an affair - he was actually having an online affair and the woman was badgering him to leave me. So I would keep an eye on his computer use, although he may could use a work computer.
Whatever the reason behind his behaviour, you have to ask yourself I'd you want a lifetime of these kind of blows to your self esteem. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are, not your appearance at any given time (although the overweight thing is I am sure a total red herring).
I would see a solicitor, find out exactly what your rights are, although you've been married less than a year you may be able to get a legal separation of some kind. Get yourself into a position of knowledge and power then you can make informed decisions. He's made you feel very vulnerable and you are in shock, but don't let him push you around and tell you what happens next. Decide what you want, tell who ever you want to, because if people know they can support you, he's had his say, now you do what is best for you, he's lost his right to any consideration.

Wow what an absolute cunt.

Divorce him and take him for every penny you can. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE; it's a marital asset.

Are you in London? I had a great divorce solicitor.

Big hugs. You must be so hurt. You need to get angry as he's not a good man.

His whole 'confession' doesn't make any sense whatsoever so please don't take actions thinking you need to change yourself based on the muddled mind of an areshole. You do not need to lose weight or starve yourself. PLEASE don't pander to him by talking to him about you not eating as a result of his disgusting 'confession'.
Hes now in control and is happy you're starving! Let it sink in! He's happy you're in emotional distress and not eating. This is not a man, it's a grade A cunt.

When he gets home I would be eating, in front of him, whatever I wanted and stonewalling any kind of pathetic questions or comments about it.

In fact the more you're saying the more he sounds like a shallow, entitled and controlling narcissist big baby-man.

Hes probably just like daddy and is a misogynistic baby-man but manages to hide it well for the most part. (The dad sister in law gym comment - after having a baby no less!!!) If he found that genuinely funny he's a wrongun.

Seriously YOU should be getting the ick now. Get the ick and keep it . Think about how disgusting he is. No oral because of a specific amount of weight he's conjured in his mind makes it impossible. Silently punishing you for not doing what he wants!

Just to add to ignore the posts that suggest you will get half the equity in the house. For such a short marriage with no dependants, you are more likely to get a clean break settlement which reflects your contribution. It would be very easy to lose most of it on fees.

He told me on Saturday he’s had all of this at the back of his mind for a couple of years at least though. He said to me yesterday that he does want to give our marriage a try as I’m his best friend and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me around and he would consider hanging himself.

Well, ain’t he the charm? He went ahead with a wedding despite supposedly having doubts - he didn’t think to discuss or deal with these first? - and now he wants his cake and eat it: you as his live in lover, desperately doing whatever he says for a few crumbs of affection and in the hope that you’ll one day be allowed “proper” love again. And he’s threatening suicide if he doesn’t get his own way? AND he’s starting to tell you what you should eat.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Do not starve yourself, in fact I’d sit with my feet up in front of the Tv with a couple of Krispy Kremes. Do not accept his offer of effectively paying you to leave (thus protecting what he undoubtably sees as his assets when they are marital assets now).

As for the solicitor, I doubt there is a divorce lawyer in the land who hasn’t had an anxious and upset person sobbing in their office. They will have seen it all before and their job is to help you. Find a local one and give them a call, they’ll guide you from there. Some give half an hour’s free advice.

You’ve got this

If you lose two stone, OP, you'll look like a boy.

Can you grab a few bits and go today?
Staying longer will not help you. Making a break will.

Ugh, his behavior is repulsive, OP, you deserve so much better than this. I agree with PP's that you need to dump him and move on. This isn't what love looks like, it's all about him and trying to control you. You're a normal, healthy woman, please don't starve yourself for him.

My DH has gained weight since we first met 20+ years ago. Unlike you, he does need to lose weight from a health perspective, but it doesn't change how I feel about him. Love isn't conditional on weight.

@GreenPepperRed

So he's

• telling you need to lose 2 stone to save your marriage
• happy that you spent a day starving yourself
• threatening to hang himself if you leave

OP read this back and run a mile. Imagine telling your partner to lose 2 stone or you'll kill yourself. That is the most batshit controlling thing I've read on here in a while. In what possible scenario of you staying is going to end with you not sacrificing your entire well-being and feeling like utter shit?

This. Leave now and do not look back.

I think you should step back - give yourself time but to me this marriage could be over - I couldn’t forgive my husband if he’d said that to me!

When my husband met me I was a very slim size 6 5.10…I’m now a size 14 like you I can carry the weight due to my height - I would like to loose a little weight for me! My husband loves me regardless & would never mention it - as I wouldnt mention his weight change after many years.

You deserve better

@lovingtheheat

Sorry if someone has already said this but honestly run for the hills. He is trying to break you down so that you wrongly believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you.

You don't need to lose any weight unless YOU want to. Either way weight is something you can't adjust should you want to, he can't change his shitty personality. He is stuck with that.

Breaking you down is exactly what he's trying to do OP.

Just wanted to add another voice to echo others on here saying get out. And get a solicitor before you move out. If you are already housed elsewhere then your need for housing will be reduced. Sounds like you have been in a co-habiting relationship with this man for over 3 years, and contributing financially throughout that time. I would have thought you'd be entitled to some of the equity in the house. (probably why he has oh-so-nicely offered to pay to get you the fuck out)

but I have zero experience of dealing with a solicitor - do I google a local divorce one to me and then give them a call? Do I have to see them face to face or can it be done over the phone to begin with? I honestly don’t know if I could hold myself together and not just be an emotional wreck in their office. I suffer with quite bad anxiety so the idea of having to speak to one is making me panic

It's very easy. A good solicitor will ask you a lot of questions about your circumstances and will draw up a separation agreement based on what you are entitled to. Just go armed with all the financial information.

Don't worry about crying at the solicitors, they'll be used it. Haing said that, they charge by the hour so once you've got the initial details out, try and stay focused on the practical aspects. They aren't counsellors. And don't be afraid of the process feeling drastic or 'this can't be my life'. It can feel like a foreign country, all these words and jargon, but they will guide you through it.

I would be telling him to get lost, he has no right to tell you to lose weight in order for him to find you attractive, he’s been having sex with you for years and then married you but now suddenly decides he doesn’t find you attractive? I would laugh in his face and tell him it’s over.

If he is hung up on your weight, then he doesn't love you. Trying to make to lose weight is despicable.

You aren't throwing your marriage away, he has done this.

You poor thing OP. You deserve so much more than this, please please leave him. He doesn’t sound as though he’s capable of being in a loving relationship and it will destroy your self esteem and self worth in the long run if you try and meet his ludicrous expectations. They’re so ludicrous that it almost makes me think there’s another reason for what he’s doing, but regardless you need to put yourself first here and get out of this relationship.

Oh my gosh! How horrible of him. Yes, you do need to lose some extra weight - HIM.

You can take a friend or your Mum to the solicitor with you if you want.

Out of interest, these comments he made about his ex putting on weight, how he’s still be with her if she hadn’t, how he was more attracted to the thin one- are these conversations you had before this bombshell? If so, be aware that it is not normal for men to talk to their current partner about their exes like this. He was threatening you even then; you just didn’t realise.

Isn't it always the way that they think they can just drop you but not really just in case they change their mind? I reckon if there isn't another woman he has his eye on someone or he thinks he can do better.

I would let him try to find someone else or whatever he thinks he is doing. Start the divorce and take what is legally yours.

If it is true that he split with a previous gf when she gained weight then he is absolutely shallower than a dried-up puddle. A shame you didn't find out earler but you know now.
Alternatively, he could just be making up incredibly hurtful shit to get you on the back foot and control you, or he could be making up incredibly hurtful shit to try to avoid responsibility for the fact that he wants to do something he knows is wrong.

In the end there is no explanation for this that doesn't land on him being someone you can no longer trust.to have your interests ans wellbeing s close to his heart. He clearly doesn't

Your relationship from his side sounds so superficial and shallow.

I agree, @randomuser2020, he sounds so shallow and self-obsessed, not focused on the OP's happiness at all.

@ThreeRingCircus

He is a liar. He's either lied at the weekend and didn't mean what he said (highly unlikely, he wouldn't have said something so specific and cruel if he didn't mean it) or he has lied to you throughout your entire relationship. You cannot continue in this relationship, there's no coming back from the things that he has said to you.

He is a weasel with no backbone, look at him backtracking now. Seriously, try to stand back a bit from the situation and assess his actions for what they are. He is pathetic. Tell your parents OP and find your rage. How fucking dare he.

You are young with your whole life ahead of you. This period of your life will not be easy but I absolutely promise you that you have a bright future without him in it.

He is beyond ugly to his core.

He certainly doesn't love you.

There is no way a person could love your and be so vile.

Please realise this man is not to be trusted.

I would be very wary.

It is shocking for you to accept, but your marriage is over.

There is no real coming back from this.

Please get support from those who love you, and tell them the truth.

@Velvian

See a solicitor before you agree to accept the scraps he is willing to throw you.

Definitely. Get exactly what is rightfully yours and don't even consider losing weight for him.

Omg i cant beleive you're considering losing weight to see if it will change his mind!!!! Love isnt skin deep..LTB