Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

I totally agree with you op, he’s trying to sabotage the relationship so he doesn’t have to be the one to deal the official killing blow to the marriage.

It’s not about the weight. If it was, he would have just said he’s lost sexual attraction to you because of the weight. “I only love you as a friend” is basically saying the marriage is over.

Unless you have some kind of explosive temper he’s trying to avoid… he is being a massive coward. He’s in his 30s FFS.

Tell your mum the truth. Google “counselling” and engage a counsellor to talk to. They will help you through this. Google “solicitor, divorce” plus the name of your town. Email half a dozen and see who comes back to you. Go stay with your mum now. Take a couple of days off work to get space. Don’t communicate with him. I think he’s changed his mind about the marriage or he’s messaging women and he’s trying to get you to leave. Do not jump through his hoops or you will end up living a very unhappy life

Oh wow, I am so sorry this happened to you. I agree with other PPs who say that there's no way back from that. I don't think you should lose weight to please him if you are happy with the way you look now. And I don't think that, even if you lost that weight, you'd be happy in this marriage as you'd live permanently terrified of food/weight/his disapproval.

Though the vengeful b**ch in me suggests agreeing to lose weight, keeping him at arm's length while losing it and then once reaching the ideal - kicking the bastard out saying 'Sorry, I'm just not attracted to you anymore'. But that's immature and vengeful and not something to actually do.

Sorry if someone has already said this but honestly run for the hills. He is trying to break you down so that you wrongly believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you.

You don't need to lose any weight unless YOU want to. Either way weight is something you can't adjust should you want to, he can't change his shitty personality. He is stuck with that.

Firstly if you have a good relationship with work I'd call in sick for today and tomorrow, give yourself a chance to think and be properly upset.

I would go and stay at your mums for a bit, tell her you're having problems, you don't have to tell her why (now or ever). I'd probably say that [husband] has started acting really out of character - that'll do for now unless you want to go into it.

No useful advice from me on solicitors I'm afraid but I'd just google your town and family law solicitors. There seem to be some online directories too.

Quite frankly he sounds unhinged.

The weight comments are a complete an utter red herring. You've been the same size since you started going out his comments in that regard are baseless. Please eat as he's insane.

What is does say about him is that he is a nasty liar who is deliberately trying to hurt you, reduce your confidence & self esteem and blame you for his failings.

I strongly suspect that this is nothing to do with you at all. It's about him and whatever fucked up weird issues he has, or whatever turned his head etc. His comments re haging himself, also unhinged and used to manipulate you and make you the problem. Not him.

While this has understandably rocked you to the core. You have no kids, are financially independent, are only in your 30s. You don't need him and are better of without him.

A friend had similar,10 year relationship, married less than 2 years. All she says about it to anyone other than close friends is "he wasn't the man,I thought he was" and doesn't share any of the shit his said to her and things he did during their relationship.

I've near said LTB before on here but this is a case where you will undoubtedly be better off without him. 100%. You can have a new life and some decent oral sex too.

If youvdo lose the weight, it won't he enough. He'll want you to lose more or it will be able other thing that's wrong.

Move him into the spare room. And contact a solicitor.

There is no coming back from this; he has said the words and you will never be able to trust him ever again.

You are not fat, I would love to be a size 14 again and am the same height as you (currently a 16-18).

Call you mother and get her support as you call a solicitor.

Stay in the house; don't engage with your husband (if pushed, just respond that you are considering your options); take the advice of your solicitor.

Good luck

@Drawerofcrap

If you're married you should have a claim on 'his' house as it'sa marital asset, so stop thinking of it as his house....it's your house too. Could he be having an affair with your friend?

Not really. After a short marriage, the law would seek to restore each party to the same financial circumstances as they were in before they married. OP has little to no claim on the house after seven months.

@Robinred81

As you said yourself, if you don't divorce him, you will always be insecure waiting for it to happen again.

If you read all your own posts you will realise what a nasty bastard he is. The flags have been waving, but you tried to ignore them.

Even if you were 3 stone lighter and a model, he'd find an insecurity to make you blame yourself.

Lose him & enjoy your life. You'll be utterly miserable if you stay with him.

I understand feeling embarrassed as you've only just got married, but that's temporary, misery with him will be permanent.

Your whole life ahead of you, just as you are!! Enjoying life with family & friends - just as you are! Go out tomorrow night & join in one of the Pancake Celebrations!!

(Oh & do not carry any paranoia forward! I'm sure you have a lovely body!! Just because he's now decided to blame his lack of interest in oral on your body... doesn't make it the truth nor universal! Don't let him out you off enjoying it with future partners!!

Please leave him.

You're married. It's just as much YOUR house, he can go fuck himself with his 'deposit & a months rent'. House, pension, savings, whatever half is yours. Wanker!!

Do not leave
Ask him to leave
Get legal advise !

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.

What a wanker! nope, its time for you to leave, he will always make you feel like this. I know this is easier said than done but please try not a let this knock your confidence.

I say this very rarely on MN, but - he's a complete cunt. Leave him. It will never be okay after this.

Most solicitors I’ve dealt with have been very nice. I can’t help you with finding one, I’d probably try to google a local one if it was me.

I think you should go to your mums. Hopefully if you say “yes it’s about DH, but I don’t really want to talk about it right now” she will let you sleep on it and take some time before talking about it.

I should add it sounds like you have nothing to be insecure about. Your DH shouldn’t have hurt you like this.

OP, your husband is incredibly cruel. He's also a liar.

Don't diet for him. Don't starve yourself for him. I never say LTB. I nearly always think people should work out what's making them happy underneath. But on this occasion I think you deserve to get rid of him. If you had been very slim when you met I would have un-MN sympathy with him - you can't help what you are attracted to. But you gave always been the size you are.

I would do what you suggested and pack up and go. Let everyone know what he said and that he expected you to starve down to a significantly thinner size and stay at that size, presumably on a permanent diet, just so he could find you attractive, despite having no problems until now. You choose to be healthy, happy and not chained for life to a man as shallow, controlling, cruel and deceitful as he has proved to be.

I really hope you do decide he can sod off.

This should get you started with what's what www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

He doesn’t sound good. Who wants to be with someone that makes you feel worried about not being attractive enough? He says he’s your best friend- crikey, I wouldn’t want to meet someone he doesn’t like. You’re young. You’ve got all sorts of things ahead of you that might change your weight- possibly childbirth, health issues, looking after parents, getting older, hitting menopause. You need someone that has your back, who is on your side.

but I have zero experience of dealing with a solicitor - do I google a local divorce one to me and then give them a call? Do I have to see them face to face or can it be done over the phone to begin with? I honestly don’t know if I could hold myself together and not just be an emotional wreck in their office. I suffer with quite bad anxiety so the idea of having to speak to one is making me panic

I haven't any experince really either - maybe look at local ones and e-mail rather than phone and get an appointment. I expect they'll have seen many upset people before - but go in with main points written down just in case.

I suffer with quite bad anxiety
Has this is always been an issue or something that's got worse since this realationship started - just wonder if there's been more comments that have been chipping away subconciously.

You can tell who you want when you want - people are just suggesting telling your DMum as she'll likely to be a source of support in RL for you. I'd suggest playing your cards close with your H for now - distant but polite trying to take a step back and not get bent out of shape figureing out where his head is at - focus on you taking the time to figure out what's best for you.

@FennecShandDoesEverything

I am not one to get all "shershay la fam" the second a man expresses dissatisfaction, but in this circumstance... I'm sorry, there is someone else in his mind, if not necessarily yet a full-blown affair. There is always a way, if someone wants to find one.

I don't see any way your marriage can come back from this. Take advice and take care of yourself.

He's either got someone lined up or been spending too much time wanking to porn.

Or as others have said this delight of a man has decided he doesn't fancy being married for whatever reason and has decided to make it YOUR FAULT.

Sorry.

under no circumstances take him up on the flat idea... Go for 50 per cent of the marital assets. So the house/pension/effects

I would go on a diet, lose the weight then dump his arse for emotional abuse but I realise that this is both petty and not appropriate.

But there is no coming back.

Anyway- do not be shoved out of your house. Get legal advice just in case. Know where you stand, whatever YOU decide..

Google a local family law solicitor, call them up and make an appointment.

Ask your H to sleep in the spare room and DO NOT sleep with him.
Find out the legal / financial ramifications of divorce and take time to think about what you want. It doesn’t matter what he wants now, do YOU want to make any effort to save this (I suspect not once you think about it).
When you’ve had a week to think and spoken to the solicitor your choice will feel clearer.

Your husband has behaved very badly and I would not be able to forgive if it was me. Sorry.

He's got someone waiting in the wings already. Having regular sex is no indicator of how attractive (or not) he finds you. There's an old saying "You don't look at the mantelpiece when you're poking the fire". Grim, but true for many men. Regular sex with someone they're not particularly attracted to is better than no sex at all.

I'd bet my mortgage he's had his head turned. There are hundreds of threads on the relationship board which start with "I never thought he'd be the type, he's ways at home or work, we still have regular sex..."

Get out with your head held high and don't cover for him about why the marriage has ended. Don't indulge him in his manipulative "you're my best friend/I still need you in my life/I care about you" nonsense. He threw the grenade in, now he gets to deal with the fallout.

I thought the same about porn. He's got some fantasy crush either on a thin woman he knows or on thin porn stars. This shouldn't be your problem, OP.

Oh op. This is not love. True love is unconditional and not circumstantial. What your partner is effectively saying is absurd as someone saying
"I only love you when you dont have acne"

There are people out there in the world that accept their partners to the point that even they have a drastic change i.e gender they still love them for who they are and will continue to.

Love cant be based on you losing 2 stone and you know that. What happens if you get pregnant and naturally put on weight? Or if you go through a stressful period in life and you put weight on. You will constantly be so hyper aware of your body image because your partners "love" depends on it and is hanging on such a thin line. It will not be healthy for you. You cant live life like that, constantly looking over your shoulder.

Be honest what difference will two stone actually make and if thats how superfical someones love for you is why would you want it.

I hope you find the self worth to leave this man op. This is so disgraceful to hear and if you was my daughter I would want so much better for you because there are BETTER people for you out there. Forget the fact its been 7 months, that is nothing to be ashamed about in comparison to his behaviour right now. Be glad it hasnt been that long you have lived under this false pretence and be grateful you dont have children that have you tied down in this mess.