Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

He said to me yesterday that he does want to give our marriage a try as I’m his best friend and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me around and he would consider hanging himself.

This the weight loss demands the head fuck of if you go to your DMum I'll never see you again, allowing you one pancake- I'd be very worried this is start of abuse - www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/.

So I'd tell someone in RL - and seek legal advice to find out where you stand.

But despite what he says if you do lose the weight I expect there will be something else - so like everyone else I think this is probably something you can't come back from.

Almost the same story, Only we had been together for 20 years. Never a single problem relationship wise, Until one day he woke up and looked at me with pure hatred in his eyes, He packed a bag and left. Weeks later he gave me a list of things he hated and had always hated, the main one being that he didn't fine me attractive, never did, hated having sex with me and even went as far as to tell me I had forced him into sex for 20 years.

Turns out he was sleeping with an (at the time) 18 year old and was trying to make me hate him so he could be with her.

Leave him, it will never be the same again.. Nobody can put conditions on love, they either love you or they don't.

Please leave. I lost weight under pressure from an ex-partner who said everything was perfect in our relationship apart from my weight (if you go by BMI I was just into the 'overweight' category when we met) and ended up very unwell, both physically and mentally. I'm still dealing with the impact on my mental health now, several years later. NOBODY is worth putting yourself through that for and nobody who is worth your time would ask you to. Please look after yourself, you are worth so much more.

@PickAChew

He said to me yesterday that he does want to give our marriage a try as I’m his best friend and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me around and he would consider hanging himself.

This is seriously manipulative.

It really is. He's told you that the marriage isn't working for him, and at the same time told you that if you do anything about it, then he'll kill himself. It's controlling every single move you can make.

And the hang himself comment? What a fuckup that man is.

Also even if you did slim down you are going to age. Will he bin you for that?

My guess would be he’s not cheated but has developed feelings for someone. It’s making him reassess his own situation.

Don’t assume you are not entitled to any part of the house. You’ve been indirectly or directly paying the mortgage for 3 years at least

You sound in your updates like you’re trying to find a way for it to be OK. Please don’t waste energy doing this.

Couples counselling is also an awful idea, as he sounds like a very manipulative person.

He might think he’s telling the truth but he’s rewriting history to explain current feelings and he’s probably misplacing the source of those feelings.
This doesn’t make sense OP. People don’t get marry and have sex 3 times a week with a person they don’t find attractive.

Sounds like he wants to keep the marriage, but with you on your toes and insecure. Which is emotional abusive 101.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sadly this reminds me of how my ex behaved when he admitted he was cheating on me. Said he loved me but not in love, twisted things so I doubted he'd ever loved me, rewrote the past. Then got all sad about losing me etc etc. He's just justifying his behaviour. Please don't put up with it, and please tell someone in real life.

@Robinred81

First of all so sorry to hear.Coincidentally i was just commenting on my own post telling someone that you never really know someone even if you are married and feel like everything is fine.People do not surprise me.Now to your point.
1st of all - only lose weight if you want to.I have a friend whose husband was saying horrible things to her about her weight and she said she felt like it had opposite effect resulting in her not wanting to do it under such pressure.Unfortunately he was also cheating at the same time and using it as an excuse.They have 2 kids, she stayed still same weight.

Now i will give you a recent example of a woman a parent of my daughters friend, who woke up one morning and told her kids she only loves their father as a friend and felt so for past 5 years.They are now divorced and as they separated she already had a partner lined up, whom girls met as soon as divorce came true.

I am not saying you husband is cheating but there are not always classic signs so to speak.Men always put themselves first, we should too.Lose weight because you want to not to keep a man who met you like this and now makes it an issue.Tell your family!

I'd tell him that you're happy he's been honest, as you should be able to be vocal about what you like in a Partner. Then I'd tell him that you would like him to attain the physique of Jason Momoa, as you find big muscular men attractive. And don't let him think for a moment that you're joking.

I'm sorry you're going through this. When my fiancée of six years said he couldn't imagine marrying me it was because he had another woman. The truth didn't come out for some time.

I'm so sorry. It's a body blow, in more ways than one, that has left you reeling in shock. It's not your weight; you're not even overweight, in my opinion. It's not that. There's something else at play and it's not a failing in you although it's been put on you and left you feeling totally humiliated and devastated. He can't fix this. Damage has been done, by him.

And you can't look to him to fix it though you'd dearly wish it, to take away the hurt. Try to take strength and heart from the inspirational advice from women here, Cagney and minniesdrag for instance, among many.
As you begin to get your bearings, review your financial position - do you have savings, a steady job and income, what are the possibilities and practicalities? Get legal advice of course. And by the way, suggesting paying you a month's rent and a deposit is astounding in its meanness and tells its own story about this man. What a husband.

I’m going to make a prediction:

You’re going to stay together. Whether you lose weight or not, you’re not separating right now.

But it’ll be over within a year.

@Robinred81

I asked him if all it would take to save our relationship was for me to lose weight or if there were other issues for him. He said it’s just the weight thing and if I lost it then he’d be all over me and the physical spark would ignite for him. Also (sorry for tmi) but he never gives me oral during sex. He told me on Saturday it’s because I’m overweight he doesn’t do it. I know I’m not slim but im not exactly some 500 stone monster. I have a BMI of 28 FFS and I take care of my appearance. He’s making me out to be some repulsive whale

OP, can you see what he's done here? Your husband wants to end your marriage apropos of nothing, and he's manipulated you into thinking about pancakes and your BMI. While meanwhile he's up to what exactly? No man who is committed to a marriage let's its future hang on a weight loss ultimatum, not out of the blue like this. He is half way out of this relationship. You should either try to find out why this really is, so you know what you're dealing with, or let him go. Honestly, and kindly, what you're currently eating and your BMI are a smokescreen for a much bigger issue.

That’s why it’s so strange as it has really and truly come out of the blue and he seemed very happy with me before the weekend. We had Valentine’s Day recently and he wrote in the card about how lucky he is to have me and he can’t wait to spend all his valentines with me. I know those are just cheesy words that people write on days like that but it seems so insane for him to write stuff like that when he’s secretly been plotting to split up with me for a long time.
This is going to sound pathetic but I have zero experience of dealing with a solicitor - do I google a local divorce one to me and then give them a call? Do I have to see them face to face or can it be done over the phone to begin with? I honestly don’t know if I could hold myself together and not just be an emotional wreck in their office. I suffer with quite bad anxiety so the idea of having to speak to one is making me panic but I know it needs to be done so I at least know where I stand if we divorce. I know my mum will help and support me but I don’t feel ready to tell her just yet. I could maybe stay with her for a couple of nights and just make up an excuse about why and then tell her the truth once I’ve calmed down a bit?

Oh wow. This is so awful. No do not lose weight. Lose him. You’ve married a liar. He’s deceived you and now you are married he’s turned abusive. You don’t really know him. I know it hurts but go to your parents and cut him off and file for divorce. He’s not who you think he is and I wonder if he’s chatting to women secretly on dating sites.

@Robinred81

He’s at work right now so I’m fascinated to see how he’ll behave when he gets home. If he’ll be trying to act like nothing has really happened or if he’ll be moody and saying he wants to go ahead with splitting up. Part of me feels like I’d don’t want us to break up as, like I said earlier, our relationship really did seem very happy before Saturday and he’s always been very loving towards me. He told me on Saturday he’s had all of this at the back of his mind for a couple of years at least though. He said to me yesterday that he does want to give our marriage a try as I’m his best friend and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me around and he would consider hanging himself. It’s as if he’s had a complete personality transplant this weekend and is having some sort of mental breakdown. He seemed happy and cheerful up until Saturday

The whole thing of suddenly saying he wants to split up and that he'll never see you again after that, and then deciding he'd die without you, and then acting like nothing's happened ... this is very reminiscent of an ex of mine. Setting aside the thing about your weight (and FFS, you're 5'7" and a size 14, which is pretty average - you are absolutely not fat) he is really messing with your head.

It's almost as if he thought 'I bet I can get her to lose weight if I tell her I'll leave her' and then when it became clear that you might not be willing to go along with that plan, he now doesn't know what to do. Or, as I think some previous posters have suggested, there is something else going on that he's not telling you about. Not necessarily an affair, but something in his head or some secret he's keeping.

He's being a complete shit, either way. I don't think I could carry on with a man who was prepared to make me feel that horrible.

@Robinred81

I made a joke yesterday about how it’s pancake day tomorrow and I won’t be able to have any now I’m on a starvation diet. Stupid thing to say I know but I was probably just wanting him to reassure me or something. He replied “you can have one”. He’s being really controlling isn’t he?! I remember at the start of our relationship I was going on a bit of a health kick as I had some health issues at the time and he said something along the lines of “once you have lost the weight I will take you on holiday”. I remember thinking it was a very strange thing to say as if he was giving me conditions as to whether we would go on holiday or not. I pulled him up on it and he backtracked saying he was just trying to be supportive and didn’t mean anything by it.

Thanks for all of your advice everyone. It’s really helpful to be able to discuss all of this with outsider points of view

Farking hell....

This, coupled with the note about how amusing he found his other family member being told to 'get to the gym' after giving birth, is scarcely to be processed! Whether or not he has been influenced by other fantasy body images, be that porn or other people or whatever, the mindset runs really deep and probably from his background too. He thinks he's owed it!! No!

I'm trying to be charitable but there is almost something of the Incel way of viewing the world in this - apologies in the extreme for this link, I cannot recommend it and it is strange nasty bullshit, but it rang a bell about some of latter paragraphs of this heretical.com/anglin/gerbil.html

This is just the beginning of what is going to be a controlling relationship. How dare he. I'm about the same size as you and it's perfectly normal. Interestingly my Dad is very very slim and frequently asks me if I am concerned about my weight. He's got an eating disorder too that he got from his Mum so that can also be learned behaviour but to suddenly come out with this after marrying you. Wtf?

I'd also say to him that you'd prefer it if he had a bigger cock and what's he planning to do about that?

I would take some legal advice as the house is now a joint marital asset. I also think there is more to this than meets the eye. There usually is but they have to follow the script and make everything your fault. I'm sorry he's such a shit, you deserve better

I wonder if his dad has been whispering in his ear.

Personally there's no coming back from that OP..I'd stay very quiet and seek legal advice, you are married, you have rights and if he wants to end the marriage then you need to know what you have behind you. Speak to a solicitor and find out what's what.

For the minute I wouldn't be letting him mess with any heads, he's a bastard and doesn't deserve any kindness.

Cherchez la femme.

I asked him why he has sex with me regularly and is always calling me beautiful etc if he only sees me as a friend. He said he just thought it was the nice thing to do as he cares about my happiness but deep down he never meant it

There can't be any coming back from this. He is trying to guilt and shame you into becoming his body ideal. And has lied your entire relationship about he really feels about you.

He's probably someone who's deeply insecure and needs a partner's attractiveness to validate him. You are never going to match up to the ideal he has in his head and shouldn't try to. At least you know 7 months in, and haven't wasted your entire youth on this twat.

I would walk away. Your dignity and self esteem should matter more than any other person - no one is worth losing that for.