Husband has dropped a massive bombshell

[Robinred81]

Posting in AIBU for traffic.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we got married 7 months ago (both in our mid 30s with no kids).

On Saturday morning he woke up in a bad mood which is very unlike him so I asked him what was wrong. He then just blurted out “I think I just love you as a friend”.
This was completely out the blue as we have been very loved up and there has not even been the slightest hint that there was any issues in our relationship. He hasn’t been acting differently on the lead up to Saturday and we seemed very happy.
I was obviously completely shell shocked and after demanding more information he admitted he has never had sexual attraction towards me and he thinks I’m overweight.
I’m 5ft 7 and a size 14 so I’m a bit overweight but as I’m fairly tall and only carry weight on my lower half I don’t look really “fat”, just pear shaped and a bit chunky. We have been having sex 2-3 times every week for years and he’s never hinted that he doesn’t enjoy it. Quite the opposite in fact and he’s all over me and seems to love every second of it. I should also add that I’ve always been the same size since he met me so it’s not as if I was really slim and then gained weight throughout our relationship.

I did wonder if he’s maybe met someone else or having an affair but he 100% denies this and my best friend is a receptionist where he works and has said he always works his set hours and doesn’t ever leave early or stay late etc. When he’s not at work he’s always at home (his friends all live about 500 miles away so he rarely ever sees them) and he’s not secretive with his phone or computer either. Leaves them both unlocked around me all the time.

He’s told me we can potentially save our marriage if I lose 2 stone as he’ll then be physically attracted to me.
I feel humiliated and so shocked as it’s all completely out the blue.
I don’t want to throw our marriage away after just 7 months when before Saturday I felt like we were really happy together. But equally I feel like it’s going to be difficult to come back from this. It’s a lot of pressure for me to quickly lose weight to see if he can fancy me properly or not.

We don’t have kids (we don’t want any) and we live in his house (although as we’re married he can’t just turf me out immediately and he has said if we do split up I wouldn’t have to leave until I’d found somewhere else I was happy with).

Any advice would be very welcome as I don’t feel able to speak about this to anyone in my real life yet. Do you think I should make a big effort to lose weight over the next few months and see what happens with him, or would you want to end the relationship over it?

He is a liar. He's either lied at the weekend and didn't mean what he said (highly unlikely, he wouldn't have said something so specific and cruel if he didn't mean it) or he has lied to you throughout your entire relationship. You cannot continue in this relationship, there's no coming back from the things that he has said to you.

He is a weasel with no backbone, look at him backtracking now. Seriously, try to stand back a bit from the situation and assess his actions for what they are. He is pathetic. Tell your parents OP and find your rage. How fucking dare he.

You are young with your whole life ahead of you. This period of your life will not be easy but I absolutely promise you that you have a bright future without him in it.

@Robinred81 I know this has come as a huge shock but honestly, I'd get out and quick.

He's breaking you down, chipping away at you and putting all the responsibility for 'saving' the marriage on you. Don't let him. Take control and tell him to shove it.

Couples counselling.

Where relationships are abusive couples counselling is not recommended. If this one hasn't been emotionally abusive for the past six years, it's now made that switch. Also, unless this is an OW scenario (it seems to matter little at this point; an affair IMO would be small-fry compared with his atrocious behaviour at home), it's also rare that it just springs up out of the blue. Sometimes, when people sit down and really think about it, they can look back and see small signs of it that they hadn't necessarily noticed before.

Individual counselling to process this horrible body-blow and its ramifications would be good. But in OP's position there is no way I'd consider doing this with him.

It's not sounding good OP.

I've not seen it mentioned yet, so thought I'd say, could they be any medical issue? Aren't there some medical conditions where people have a massive change in personality? I know after a stoke or perhaps an injury? Or is he taking any medication?

Just a thought.

OP I’m so sorry. There is really no coming back from this.

As for the pp who suggested couples counselling — are we even reading the same thread?

He sounds absolutely awful. Who the hell does he (and his Dad!) think he is. I obviously don't know you, but there's nothing wrong with you, it's all him.

Get out now, don't waste any more time with him and his dreadful family.

Just cut through his crap and pay for good legal advice. You will leave with more than a months rent for starters.

Just end it. He isn’t even a real person with proper feelings. Going to love you through stress, illness and the changes life brings. Nope def not. Be confident - it’s not embarrassing it’s empowering to say fuck that.

What a dumbass.
He needs therapy if he is that obsessed with your weight.
Leave him .
Get a good divorce settlement

This is showing all the classic signs of domestic abuse progression. Starting with love bombing and being lovely to you, followed by the security of marriage and now moving on to the controlling stage. He is trying to make you do what he wants ( lose weight) and already has control of your emotions and eating habits. Be very careful here OP.
Is there any way you could check with his exes and find out what went wrong?
You sound like you have the sense and wherewithal to leave this man so keep that in the back of your mind. There comes a point when your dignity and self worth has to kick in.

Honestly, sometimes I read thread on here and I genuinely cannot believe what some women put up with

YOU DESERVE BETTER
And it makes me sad that you don't know that.

The thing is, he can't give you a guarantee, can he?

You've always been this weight, so it's not like he's seen you at a size 8 or whatever and knows he fancied the arse off you then but not now. He's got no idea what you'd look like 2 stone lighter. So he can't guarantee he'd be more attracted to you if you lost the weight. Not everyone looks good with weight loss. Some people actually look better with a bit of meat on their bones.

Even since Saturday you feel massively self concious around food and him. I don't think you could shake that easily. What about holidays? Nights out? Dinners with friends? Aren't you going to feel horribly self concious if you order something nice that you'd enjoy for dinner? Or a few calorie laden cocktails as a treat?. Is he going to give you That Look to shame you into ordering a starter salad without dressing when you'd really love a carbonara? Is that any way to live?

You've thinking to do, but do get legal advice and talk to your mum before you just agree to whatever he wants to do.

He has said he would pay for a deposit and first months rent for me somewhere nice 🤨. I have lived here 3 years and paid for the bills and food (he paid the mortgage and car).

How lovely of him.

Get some advice from a solicitor ASAP on your rights, and tell him you won't be moving out unless and until he makes a fair financial settlement.

Good god. I'd be out of there and telling his family and mates that we were splitting because he thinks I'm fat. How ridiculous.

Even if this is about your weight, (which is fine) - in that you are not a superskinny woman, that's worse, in that he has a real problem in how he sees and values women. Having an affair would be better almost.
If you stay you will end up with disordered eating and self esteem issues. Imagine if you have kids , when your body changes shape. Don't be embarrassed, it's not your fault he turned out to be an absolute dick.

I am so sorry for you, because I am recently out of a 10 year relationship. He left because I had the temerity to get old (& I am 10 years younger than him). I know absolutely that you will not want this to happen, and hope magically that you guys can get past this. But you can't. It's doomed now. The pain of it is gruesome. I know my ex is wholly inadequate, but even now 8 months out I still think I am somehow unworthy. Leave him. Go no contact immediately. And don't for a second think he'll have your interest at heart, seek legal advice.

What a pathetic man. The difference between a happy marriage and unhappy marriage is 2 stone? And then he said he'd hang himself if you left? Surely you can see this is emotional blackmail.
This is not on you, there's nothing wrong with you. He's got ulterior motives. Either that or he's a complete and utter bastard. He can fuck whatever seems to be going on

I know you said you'd been happy and "loved up" til now, but is he truly a kind man usually? As in nice to children and animals and likes you to have fun with or without him, polite to waiters and remembers his mum's birthday etc? Because he's being so mind blowingly cruel now I'm sure there must be some history of it?

It sounds over Op. Get some legal advice. You can register your matrimonial home rights for a start to protect yourself.
There’s obviously a lot going on in his head but your weight isn’t real reason.

@Robinred81

I asked him if all it would take to save our relationship was for me to lose weight or if there were other issues for him. He said it’s just the weight thing and if I lost it then he’d be all over me and the physical spark would ignite for him. Also (sorry for tmi) but he never gives me oral during sex. He told me on Saturday it’s because I’m overweight he doesn’t do it. I know I’m not slim but im not exactly some 500 stone monster. I have a BMI of 28 FFS and I take care of my appearance. He’s making me out to be some repulsive whale

Do you give him oral ? You

Jesus Christ, have some self respect and leave him! He will never change his mindset.

See a solicitor in secret OP so you can prepare for the worst. You need to know what a financial settlement would look
like if you divorce, so you can plan ahead. No one here can advise you on that, as we can’t and shouldn’t have full knowledge of your circumstances.

He said to me yesterday that he does want to give our marriage a try as I’m his best friend and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me around and he would consider hanging himself.

This is seriously manipulative.

I asked him if all it would take to save our relationship was for me to lose weight or if there were other issues for him. He said it’s just the weight thing and if I lost it then he’d be all over me and the physical spark would ignite for him

You know that's not right at all. Why get together with you in the first place then?
DH and I both have weights that go up and down like yoyos if I'm honest, and it's literally never mind a tiny bit of difference to my level of attraction to him. I mean if he suddenly went up to like 30st I'd be a bit worried, sure, but a couple of stone? Doesn't even register!

It's quite bizarre that there was no inkling at all of before, and that he'd seemed so happy and in love. I know it's a very outside chance that something medical or mental has happened to cause a personality change, but I wouldn't be quick to rule it out either.

There’s another woman. 100%. Just because he leaves work on time doesn’t mean there isn’t.

Tell him to fuck off, lose weight! Cheeky bastard! He’s blaming you as a smokescreen for whatever he is up to (who). Size 14 and 5’7” isn’t exactly large anyway! I actually said WTF out loud when I read his conditions for staying with you.

I’m so sorry op, hugs to you xx