AIBU to expect my daughter to be a tad more independent?

[Cloudsandrainbows]

First off let me start by saying my daughter has ASD. She is bright and in mainstream school. Her issues are mainly social emotional and anxiety related. She relies on visuals for knowing what's happening daily, and has set routines, she is naive and takes everything literally. However at 7 and a half years old, I am now getting frustrated at her lack of ability to perform self care tasks. Yes I expect to still supervise and support with washing and brushing teeth etc but she literally gets out the bath after me asking 10 times and stands there saying she's cold until I dry her. She will not pick up a towel and wrap it round herself, even if prompted. Should she understand and be able to do this by now? What can your children manage alone and what do they need help with? Or am I missing something that she finds hard about this task?

And op has taken lots of the suggestions re temperature, towel robe etc on board. To me, that’s a lot more in line with supporting a child’s needs than saying ‘no you should just do it for her because she is autistic.’

@Kanaloa

And op has taken lots of the suggestions re temperature, towel robe etc on board. To me, that’s a lot more in line with supporting a child’s needs than saying ‘no you should just do it for her because she is autistic.’

Nobody said OP should do it for her because she is autistic. OP should help her DD because she needs help. That's all. That doesn't mean forever. Children learn things in their own time, autistic or not, so if she needs help with the transition at 7 that's fine. I helped DS get dressed until he was 11 because he needed that help. He is now at university (living at home) and getting on with his day to day with minimal input from me. Nobody is doing a child a disservice by supporting them when they need it.

Sorry meant to add I do appreciate that OP has listened to advice, I just seem to be responding to the same things without the context of the full thread.

I wonder if she literally doesn't know how to get the towel that's in front of her, around her - it's a bit different to anything else she has to put on. Maybe you need to talk her through getting the towel around her. Is she able to put a coat on by herself? Getting a towel around herself is a bit like that and you could use that analogy to help her perhaps - it's like a coat with no sleeves. On the other hand maybe she'd be better off using a dressing gown as a towel, putting that on and drying with it. She might find that easier as having her arms in it will keep it in place.

The other thing is she might be totally overwhelmed by the cold and not able to comprehend what she needs to do in that moment. I would still try to get her to towel herself though, lots of encouragement and repetitive reminding her exactly what she needs to do, tiny step by tiny step.

I find it goes best to assume my ASD child, aged 9, has the competence of a 6 year old when it comes to this sort of thing. She does sometimes surprise me but there's just no point comparing her to 9 year olds.

@xxxsuper

Sorry meant to add I do appreciate that OP has listened to advice, I just seem to be responding to the same things without the context of the full thread.

Yes maybe if you read ops responses. She isn’t saying she doesn’t want to help her daughter, actually she is looking for ideas to support the child rather than just doing it for her, and she has taken lots of suggestions as good ideas. Obviously she also has a sen toddler as well so it’s not as if she’s just lazy and can’t be bothered, ie the responses saying she sounds ‘resentful.’ A mum who is trying to promote independence and teach skills, taking onboard suggestions to make it easier for her child, isn’t exactly refusing to support the child.

You could also practice wearing the towel while she is in pjs/dressed. I find it helps my son to practice things without the pressure. For example there’s no point in me teaching him to put his shoes and coat on as we’re getting ready for school! It works much better to practice it on a Sunday afternoon as a game, and then he acquires the skill with minimal stress.

My 7.5 year old DD is fairly independent with self care (e.g. once I switch on the shower she can soap and shower herself) but I still do the towelling as I don't want her to get cold. Once I bring her to the bedroom she'll dress herself. BUT she's the world's pickiest eater and that's our challenge area. What's normal for once child may not be for another.

Yes maybe if you read ops responses. She isn’t saying she doesn’t want to help her daughter, actually she is looking for ideas to support the child rather than just doing it for her, and she has taken lots of suggestions as good ideas.

I'm not sure why you have said this in reply to me acknowledging that OP has done just this, bit weird. Its like being told off twice for the same thing

Obviously she also has a sen toddler as well so it’s not as if she’s just lazy and can’t be bothered, ie the responses saying she sounds ‘resentful.’ A mum who is trying to promote independence and teach skills, taking onboard suggestions to make it easier for her child, isn’t exactly refusing to support the child.

I never said any of that. I simply picked up on the issue of what she needs rather then what OP thinks she should be able to do at that age. Oh and the ableist bit about being able to 'overcome' her difficulties. That is not ok. Ever. In fact MNHQ deleted it and only left the quotes because the responses had good advice, so...

I haven’t read all the posts.
Be very proud of how you’re trying to help your nnt child. Don’t give up in trying to help her reach a higher level of independence, it will pay off.
I wish my MiL helped my nnt husband(ADHD) like that when he was a child. Am having to do it all from scratch. By contrast at 10 months my baby (walked at 8, first sentence “Coco is a dog” at 13 months) my baby could run little errands like ‘throw your nappy in the bin’, pick your socks up, put this back etc 15month old (still BF albeit not exclusively)now and she’s a little helper at home. I was and still determined that she would learn very early on to be independent in practical things so that if she turns out to have adhd at least she would have learnt to be a bit more practical than her father is.

Please keep up the good work!
Btw I am an INTP so independence is a big thing

My 7 year old is perfectly capable of getting out of the bath, drying himself and getting in his pjs - he sometimes does this to trick us while we pretend to think he’s still in the bath then act surprised that he’s got himself ready. But the vast majority of the time he stands there like a statue while I dry him and dress him. It’s a combination of laziness and wanting the attention. He has a tentative diagnosis of dyspraxia but I know he can do it, he mostly just wants me to do it. And I do, while chuntering ‘Really DS, you should be doing this yourself. You’re not a baby! What would your friends say?” Etc. It’s our nightly ritual.

@Jujules20 - That isn’t really how ADHD works.. it isn’t a failure on your MILs part, or something that you can counteract in advice by training your baby before the ADHD hits 😂

*in advance

@Jujules20

I haven’t read all the posts. Be very proud of how you’re trying to help your nnt child. Don’t give up in trying to help her reach a higher level of independence, it will pay off. I wish my MiL helped my nnt husband(ADHD) like that when he was a child. Am having to do it all from scratch. By contrast at 10 months my baby (walked at 8, first sentence “Coco is a dog” at 13 months) my baby could run little errands like ‘throw your nappy in the bin’, pick your socks up, put this back etc 15month old (still BF albeit not exclusively)now and she’s a little helper at home. I was and still determined that she would learn very early on to be independent in practical things so that if she turns out to have adhd at least she would have learnt to be a bit more practical than her father is.

Please keep up the good work!
Btw I am an INTP so independence is a big thing

You can't organise the ADHD out of someone - no matter how much 'training' you give them

Hi OP
Both my ASD boys really struggle with drying too and just stand dripping. I bought really long, thick, hooded towelling robes that go straight over their heads, have arm holes and come down to their knees - even my 14 yr old! I can then make them a hot chocolate or whatever while they ‘dry’ just pottering about. I think by the end of the day it’s one skill too far, one sensory experience too far and their brains are utterly done. Drying is also quite a physically complex skill - lots of crossing the midline, balancing etc. Too much for lots of overloaded autistic brains
Nothing wrong with making the end of the day as calm and easy for you all as possible with a little cheat if something like this helps. Take care

@xxxsuper
Touched a nerve somewhere?
Well I apologise. You missed the bit where I wrote ‘a bit more practical’
Why do you think therapist offer CBT to ADHD adults? Being nnt is neither a death sentence nor does it affect intelligence. Certain things can be learned and should be continually taught. Even if working memory and executive functioning skills are v low as in the case of adhd.

I have a sister, brother and DH with ADHH.
Seeing my parents as I grew up help my siblings to be more practical with self care everyday things has turned out to be very helpful to them.
By contrast PIL overcompensated for their son I and think that’s what OP is trying to avoid.

But thanks for your two cents.
Do focus on giving OP practical advice or commendation. That would be most useful.

im still looking after my(large)11 y old.
i bath him,dress him and i am still wiping his bum as he still cant do it

hes very big for 11 as hes 10 and half stone and 5ft 5

he has a range of disabilities
dyspraxia
damp syndrome with pragmatic disorder
asd
Neurodevelopmental difficulties
working memory disorder
inattention add
Developmental co-ordination disorder
dyslexia
extreme demand avoidance
extreme sleeping disorder(as in dont sleep at all)
but as we home educate im with him 24/7

i was still bathing my 17 y old till a few months ago and hes 6ft 4
he has
severe aspergers
moderate autism,
severe dyspraxia,
mild physical tourettes,
ODD(Oppositional defiant disorder),
severe sleeping disorder

they are "high functioning" to an extent they just need help with certain things

forgot to add
im a single parent with zero help as well
family or professionally
neither sleep so for years ive been a 24/7 carer for both on no sleep

@Jujules20

Touched a nerve somewhere?

No, not at all. I'm not the only person to read your post in the same way.

My oldest is ND. I'd say she is sometimes - socially perhaps 2-4yrs younger than her age. She matches her brother who is 8 - 4yrs younger.

Towel hoodies are a good shout. We have 2 bare feet ones
www.amazon.co.uk/Two-Bare-Kids-Towelling-Changing/dp/B098QQWYWF/ref=asc_df_B098QQWYWF/?hvlocphy=1006606&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=535013740292&hvpone&hvlocint&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-1391243877500&hvrand=7954264145073521301
Perhaps you can get them both one, get one child out drop hoodie over arms through, then get the next child out and do the same? That way noone gets cold, they are both drying... you could also try a hair wrap if her hair isn't too thick?

@Jujules20

I haven’t read all the posts. Be very proud of how you’re trying to help your nnt child. Don’t give up in trying to help her reach a higher level of independence, it will pay off. I wish my MiL helped my nnt husband(ADHD) like that when he was a child. Am having to do it all from scratch. By contrast at 10 months my baby (walked at 8, first sentence “Coco is a dog” at 13 months) my baby could run little errands like ‘throw your nappy in the bin’, pick your socks up, put this back etc 15month old (still BF albeit not exclusively)now and she’s a little helper at home. I was and still determined that she would learn very early on to be independent in practical things so that if she turns out to have adhd at least she would have learnt to be a bit more practical than her father is.

Please keep up the good work!
Btw I am an INTP so independence is a big thing

Boasting about your neurotypical child's abilities on a thread about an autistic child is phenomenally insensitive.

I still have to remind my child which shoes to wear. And not to put on a different pair of shorts if he is already wearing trousers. He's predicted 7s and 8s in his GCSEs but he is autistic.

He's not failing if he struggles with basic skills and it's beyond offensive to suggest that it's my fault (or the fault of any other parent of an autistic child) that they struggle with transitions and self care.

Ps adhd =/= autism

Around 80℅ of adults with with HFA are unemployed*

Well that's made my day thanks for that, as if I don't feel sad enough about my dd's ND future as it is.

Anyway going back to the original post, my dd is nearly 10 and I still help her with her bath, hold and wrap her towel round her etc. I figure that as she gets older she will do it herself so what's the rush. I've noticed that she does things for herself now that she didn't used to so I don't worry too much.

I don't believe that statistic. Most people my age (50ish) weren't diagnosed unless they couldn't mask. Science, the NHS and higher education are full of people who would probably be sent for an ADOS nowadays - including my own DH as he would cheerfully admit ("I know I'm different to other people. Other people are WRONG!").

He got 108% for one of his O-levels and went to Cambridge. He has been gainfully employed ever since. He has had a few social and mental health issues but he is very nice and friends have always gone out of their way to help him.

@TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY you sound like you really have your hands full, hats off! I know how hard life in general can be on little to no sleep, but to home ed on top...my you are a force! Keep up the good work. I do hope you have some support and even a slither of time for yourself.
@LittleOwl153 I have two bare feet wet suits for them, outgrown now but we're very good, thanks for recommending the towels.