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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my daughter to be a tad more independent?

150 replies

Cloudsandrainbows · 27/02/2022 21:40

First off let me start by saying my daughter has ASD. She is bright and in mainstream school. Her issues are mainly social emotional and anxiety related. She relies on visuals for knowing what's happening daily, and has set routines, she is naive and takes everything literally. However at 7 and a half years old, I am now getting frustrated at her lack of ability to perform self care tasks. Yes I expect to still supervise and support with washing and brushing teeth etc but she literally gets out the bath after me asking 10 times and stands there saying she's cold until I dry her. She will not pick up a towel and wrap it round herself, even if prompted. Should she understand and be able to do this by now? What can your children manage alone and what do they need help with? Or am I missing something that she finds hard about this task?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 27/02/2022 21:43

Do you think she likes the interaction /bond ? I think I would still do it maybe give her a towel so she can help but I don't think I'd battle with her. One of my adult children is ND and I had to help them out a lot with personal care at 7.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/02/2022 21:46

My DS is 7 and I will have to ask several times before he gets out of the nice warm bath. I also have to wash his hair and help with drying - I don't know if this is average or if I'm doing too much for him tbh!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/02/2022 21:46

My ds 7 hates trying to get dried and drag pj's over still tacky skin. Still young imo.

ExtraOnion · 27/02/2022 21:46

My daughter is 15 “high functioning autism” … really intelligent , can’t cope with social stuff, not been in school for months. I still need to push her to brush her teeth , showering is better these days..

creativevoid · 27/02/2022 21:46

She is autistic. You’ve said that yourself. She will develop at a different rate and in different ways to neurotypical children. Things that may be obvious to her peers will be less so for her. I think you need to adjust your expectations and get used to the fact that she will not always do things in the way or at the time you expect. It is hard, I know, but please don’t be frustrated with her. I’m sure she can’t help it and it will just make things harder for both of you.

Namechange12312 · 27/02/2022 21:50

I still wrap my nearly 9 year old up in a towel Grin. Maybe that’s not the best example as I know loads of kids would stand there and wait to be dried if that’s always the way it’s been. I have a nearly 7yr old that still needs help with silly things like getting dressed sometimes - I think a lot of it is ‘acting’ like they need help because then they get your attention. That isn’t necessarily something they’re doing on purpose it’s just a way of connecting with you and making sure you are there for them when they need you. Personally I will carry on helping them as long as they want.

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 27/02/2022 21:50

I can give her towel, and tell her to wrap it round to stay warm, but she looks at me like I'm talking another language and I don't understand. She just stands there like a coat hook! Maybe its an attention thing as my youngest is only just 3 and obviously needs help. She can mostly dress herself after much prompting, so I struggle to understand why this task is so difficult. She has shown much interest lately in helping make her breakfast etc but personal care has not progressed at all for a long time!

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/02/2022 21:52

My ds 7 is NT.
They all like a bit of care still you know!!

Clymene · 27/02/2022 21:53

She's autistic.

YABVVVU

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 27/02/2022 21:54

Hmmm maybe it is still age appropriate then. I just want to help her to learn to be independent, and if there's something I'm missing to help her grasp personal care tasks, or a reason why she finds them hard, for me to decode and make a plan for, then I'm all ears. We've used social stories for some things, but it's not that she seems scared or doesn't know the routine.

OP posts:
Etinoxaurus · 27/02/2022 21:55

My 3 NT dcs were the same at that age!

DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 27/02/2022 21:57

Aha and now you mention a 3 year old. It must be hard for her gaining a sibling when she did? Maybe it is about getting time with you. Would it be okay if this was why?

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/02/2022 21:58

You sound really harsh.
Kids need what they need.
It’s not her “fault”, you know?

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 27/02/2022 21:58

Bit harsh! It's a spectrum you know, and it's a task I know she is physically capable of. I'm trying to promote her independence, and find a reason for her reluctance to help teach her in a way she can learn

OP posts:
doadeer · 27/02/2022 22:02

Many autistic children struggle to perform day to day tasks like this, it's very common and not to do with intelligence. 7 is still young.

AIBU to expect my daughter to be a tad more independent?
xxxsuper · 27/02/2022 22:04

Maybe its an attention thing

It's an autistic thing. A processing thing. A functional thing.

YABU. She needs you. Ignore the age label and focus on the child and what she needs.

poppaloo · 27/02/2022 22:04

My daughter's 21 and still needs support with daily tasks!!! I'm afraid you might have to adapt your expectations OP.

Hankunamatata · 27/02/2022 22:05

Bath visual aid. So pic in bath, pic washing hair, pic washing body, pic getting out and putting towel on

DC have hooded towel they put on the dressing gown ontop. Then they watch tv for a bit

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 27/02/2022 22:05

I never said it was her fault?! Maybe this is the wrong thread. If it's age appropriate then fine, but from friends and family it seems a lot of peers her age are capable of a lot more, and as her mum I want to support her to overcome the things she finds hard. I can't do everything for her forever. I am usually quite good at decoding her behaviours but her reluctance on this one has me stumped. I'd never not help her, but when I'm helping her younger sibling and she's complaining she's cold and I hand her a towel, she cannot comprehend what to do with it, although she has seen over and over how I wrap it round her and dry her. I don't expect her to do it all, just hold the towel round herself for a second, but if I'm not holding it round her it's on the floor and she's complaining she's cold 🤷

OP posts:
xxxsuper · 27/02/2022 22:05

@Cloudsandrainbows

Bit harsh! It's a spectrum you know, and it's a task I know she is physically capable of. I'm trying to promote her independence, and find a reason for her reluctance to help teach her in a way she can learn

Not harsh at all. Your expectations are unrealistic.

Particularly the 'knowing what she is capable of' - some days I am highly able and other days I barely scrape through. That's how it is.

pumpkinpie01 · 27/02/2022 22:07

My son is 81/2 and doesn't do a lot for himself , he can make himself a drink and get dressed when told 100 times . He isn't diagnosed with anything but has real problems with organising himself and following instructions 🤔

xxxsuper · 27/02/2022 22:07

but from friends and family it seems a lot of peers her age are capable of a lot more,

They don't all share her brain though, do they Sad

I think you need to stop comparing her to others and thinking about what children 'should' be doing at that age and focus on helping her get through her routines. It might slot into place in time, it might not.

BananaPlants · 27/02/2022 22:07

My 9 year old is on assessment pathway. She is bright and what is described as “high functioning”. I wait with a towel after bathroom and wrap it round her and help her into nightwear. She stands and screeches even while doing this as she can’t bear being cold and the transition between wet and dry, stops as soon as she is warm. It might also be the sensory feeling of wet hair I think,

My other DC could bath and shower independently at this age, but DD can’t do that. Often when neurotypical people can’t see a reason for a behaviour it is because they can’t understand sensory issues because they don’t experience this themselves so it is ‘invisible’ to them.

Just because the lights don’t feel too bright to you, or the noise too loud, or a feeling (like water on body or even hands) being strong, doesn’t mean your autistic child is having the same experience. What causes sensory overload on one day may not on another, which might make it more confusing to interpret objectively. That isn’t a criticism, just an explanation of the fact that your daughter has a whole sensory world that you probably can’t see or feel, but it is there and might cause reactions and behaviours that are inexplicable to you.

Pegasussnail · 27/02/2022 22:07

I have kids the same age and I still wash and dry them. No disability. Your daughter has. What you need is a visual schedule (my sister's child uses them)

TheSecretaryBird · 27/02/2022 22:07

Does she have a visual timetable - either written or pictorial?
I worked a lot with young people with ASD and it’s so easy to forget with bright, high functioning, especially girls, and it’s so easy to expect more because they are capable.

If she can read, then a written list of instructions / what to do / what you want may help - it might be worth personalising it with a character that she likes.
If you want her to be more independent and capable than she currently is (and I’m not saying that’s right or wrong - she’s your daughter and you know her best) then I would look at putting as many visual supports in as possible. The more skills that a child can gain to develop their journey to independence the better, in my opinion. But I know and understand how hard this is at home, and in school.
Have your looked at the SCERTS model? This may be worth a look.