AIBU to expect my daughter to be a tad more independent?

[Cloudsandrainbows]

First off let me start by saying my daughter has ASD. She is bright and in mainstream school. Her issues are mainly social emotional and anxiety related. She relies on visuals for knowing what's happening daily, and has set routines, she is naive and takes everything literally. However at 7 and a half years old, I am now getting frustrated at her lack of ability to perform self care tasks. Yes I expect to still supervise and support with washing and brushing teeth etc but she literally gets out the bath after me asking 10 times and stands there saying she's cold until I dry her. She will not pick up a towel and wrap it round herself, even if prompted. Should she understand and be able to do this by now? What can your children manage alone and what do they need help with? Or am I missing something that she finds hard about this task?

My daughter with ASD is ten and still requires a lot of self-care support, practically and prompting. Self-care is the area she struggles with most in fact and takes up so much extra time.

I think your expectations are a little too high, what you're frustrated with your 7 year old for, I experience with 10 year old and expect to for another year or so yet, if not longer - which is pretty common for many parents with children with ASD. It's exhausting, I know.

As an aside, have you applied for DLA? This type of extra need and exactly what's tested - time spent having to care for that child above what would be typical of their age group. You can use it to pay for extra support, OT, therapy, aides etc.

My husband is about to be 60. He has 4 siblings who are all on the autistic spectrum in varying degrees. He comes across as NT a lot of the time because he has observed the things that NT people do and has copied them for 60 years until they flow in a seamless way. He did a complicated job in engineering which paid a very large salary and gives us a very nice pension. Anyone who doesn't know him would probably have no idea that he is also on the spectrum.It manifests when there is something that he doesn't normally do. At that point he just stands. He literally stands still and watches until I give him a specific instruction. Imagine putting up a tent when you have never camped before. In my brain, once one of the bendy poles is being put together, you could be reasonably safe in assuming that the others will all need to be put together and used at some point in the construction. He will just stand until I say "I think we probably need to put all 4 together first". I would not need to say this to my adult sons.When I first met him he said "Don't expect me to infer something from something else you have said. I cannot do it. If you want me to do something, get something , etc you need to tell me directly and I will happily do it ". He also has face blindness and dyspraxia which is quite fascinating. His brain is fascinating and we love him to bits. Perhaps your daughter hasn't repeated things enough times yet.

Get her a towelling robe.

Both of my NT children would have been wrapped in a towel on exiting the bath at that age. They would have eaten dinner, been up early for school and frankly in a bit of a fog after a warm bath just prior to bedtime.

If you are handling a toddler at the same time then it's likely that your daughter sees it as a nice part of her routine to have a towel wrapped around her by you and her hair towelled? Appreciate that at the end of the day you are also shattered and just want them to help themselves a little more but your expectations are high I think.

By nine they are now well on their way to being self sufficient in that regard but will take hours at it if they lose focus. So I don't need to dry them but a pointy stick would be handy sometimes 😂

My 8 year old DD has ASD and she's exactly the same. I still have to help her get dressed ect. She can do it but is overwhelmed by daily tasks and perceived pressure. I'd say she's more like a 5 year old in lots of ways. My 18 year old (also ASD) took forever to get the hang of cleaning and was very shower avoidant for ages. It's great that you're encouraging independence, I think I give in too often as it's hard but I'd lower your expectations a little especially comparing to peers without SEN.

Thank you for all your comments, some more supportive and informative than others. I really should go to bed, it's school tomorrow and she had a day off Friday as she was ill, so I've got my work but out to get back into a reassuring routine. But first I'm going on Amazon for a toweling robe! Well to look at options to show her, she won't put it on if she doesn't like it!

Just go with it… she will need help with things that you think are ridiculously easy… just help and be there for her. She will one day gain get independence and it will come easier the more help and support she’s had. I speak from experience of having an asd daughter who is now nearly 20 and at University.

As a parent of a child with ASD - she should be able to dry herself etc but there is a possibility she is using this as a form of contact she finds comfortable

My boy has asd although he is 8 so older than your little girl. In my experience he hasn’t developed independence in the same way his siblings did. They seemed to use their initiative more, as in by a certain age would think ‘I’m cold. I’m cold and wet. Therefore I need a towel.’ Whereas with my son it seems to be bath then towel. And when I keep reinforcing that after bath you need a towel eventually it links in his head. But if I had reinforced that the routine was bath then mummy gives a towel he would want to continue with that.

I think if it’s not too much you could wrap her in the towel? If she does everything else herself. Believe me, it doesn’t last long! I was just saying the other day that since school started back after Christmas dd10 has hardly asked me to plait/style her hair at all whereas I used to do it every day. Now she can do ponytails by herself she doesn’t want my help anymore and I find I miss my 10 mins in the morning doing ‘Elsa hair’ or ‘sailor moon style or whatever else she had decided on that morning.

It sounds fairly normal behaviour to me. Why do it yourself when your mum can wrap you up nice and warm in a towel and give you a cuddle at the same time.

Oh I see you have another sen child too who is a toddler. I couldn’t have managed with ds and another toddler version of ds. Can you move bath times at all so your husband can help and you can divide and conquer? Obviously that’s not possible if he works really late.

@Cloudsandrainbows I wonder if she can sense your frustration at her and maybe it makes her feel a bit needy/ over keen for the extra attention? Do you have a good relationship otherwise?

Make her clear visual prompt
Bath
Get put
Put towel
Get dry

Free resources here
do2learn.com/picturecards/DailyLivingSkills/index.htm

Or take photos and use those

Getting out of a warm bath, the change in temp, the change in how your body feels, the feeling of rapidly cooling wetness on your body etc from a sensory point of view is a huge influx of information the brain is processing.
Getting out of a bath is also a ‘transition point’
The sensory feedback from having someone wrap you in a towel tightly and help you dry can be very pleasing and as it’s something her body has experienced as a predictable ‘caring’ part of a routine since birth it might be something she enjoys and feels like a necessary step to the next part of what happens after bathtime.
Having wet hair changes the way your body feels, it can be overwhelming and make it difficult to process other sensations from the environment and to mentally cope with instructions.
My youngest daughter is nearly 10. I stand with the towel held out as she steps out of bath of shower. I wrap it round her and the wrap her hair in a separate hair towel with a fastening that holds it in place whilst I dry her off a bit. Then she puts on a towelling dressing gown. She sits in this for a bit whilst playing her iPad to allow her to regulate. Then i pop her PJs on and a soft dressing gown. I know other children are capable of much more but really it is a lot is sensations, transitions, steps to get through and she is ND so I’m happy to continue to support her till she’s ready to do a little more herself as time goes by.
I know it’s really hard when you’ve got more than one child needing you to attend them though. I had three 5 and under at one point and it was like herding cats.

My ds has just turned 9 and I still help him bath and dress

[quote Cloudsandrainbows]@Hankunamatata where did you get the hooded towels? The only ones I've ever had are for babies?[/quote]
Found this cute hooded towel poncho:

www.amazon.co.uk/Dreamscene-Microfibre-Childrens-Swimming-Changing/dp/B092W61NZV/ref=asc_df_B092W61NZV/?hvlocphy=1006879&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=509203027903&hvpone&hvlocint&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-1252642767270&hvrand=2492247507435691840

They also have them on H&M, a gray one with bunny ears, it’s open at front, unlike the poncho

My dc started being more independent around 9. I didn’t really push it before that as they were still so little. My eldest is a very literal child and it’s really taken until age 13-14 to understand nuances and pick up on other people’s emotional cues whereas dd3 age 5 was able to do that. They do stuff at their own pace but it’s important not to set them up to fail as that hugely impacts confidence. A 7 yo doesn’t need to be independent.

www2.hm.com/en_gb/productpage.0874735001.html

Had to delete the stupid app to get the link

This one’s for kids, the gray one I previously mentioned is for babies.

Try DryRobe hooded towelling robe for kids, lovely soft organic snuggly cotton. Pops over the head rather than wraps around so make sure she's okay to do that or you're there to do it for her. They are thicker than a towel, so heavier but that can be a sensory comfort for some.

It is designed to be large so it can also be used to get changed underneath when at the beach or pool etc. so not just for bathtimes.
dryrobe.com/products/towel-dryrobe-kids-pink-5-9?variant=39378462572624
dryrobe.com/products/towel-dryrobe-kids-pink-10-13

Please stop comparing her with her age peers. Every time you think 'at her age she ought to be able to do this task' stop and reconsider that she's neurodiverse and emotionally she's around two thirds of her chronological age.
Praise her for what she can do and help her with what she can't.

This site is great for free resources www.theottoolbox.com/

She's 7 years old. What's the rush? They all get there in their own time. I really can't think why your dd not getting herself a towel when she gets out the bath is such a big deal. I still get one for my DD8 without thinking about it .. my DS10 sorts himself out... no prompting or trying to make him independent he just started doing it himself one day.

My son is autistic and there is lots of prompting. Now and next cards/ instructions may help. Schedules with pictures or text can help going through the routine of bath, dressing, morning routine. See what’s in your area from the NHS in terms of support or local NAS groups for help. It may also help when she starts swimming with the school - I’ve found the peer examples (of getting changed etc) are far more effective at times than anything I do as a parent!

Buy one of those towelling robes and see if she'll put it on?

Perhaps she is so overwhelmed by the feeling of being cold or the sensory onslaught of the shower that it has overridden her ability to process cognitively and she has got "stuck" in the feeling. That happens to me a lot, autistic and in my fifties.

If she’s nearly 8 and her sibling has only just turned 3, then she gained a sibling at a tricky age. At 5, she was used to being an only child with her parents’ full attention for years. Suddenly, a baby comes along and she has had to adapt. This is tricky for all dc, let alone dc with autism. You might think your Dd lacks independence. However, your Dd loves having your attention, which is why she wants this mum-daughter time.

My stepchild with ASD will not do any personal care without huge input and is now an adult. Will say things like, "you do it for me because I want you to" and because they hate the task, have no motivation to do it for themselves and no interest in living according to the social expectations around this.

The other (NT) kids were doing it with prompting but little hands on care from 5.