AIBU to expect my daughter to be a tad more independent?

[Cloudsandrainbows]

First off let me start by saying my daughter has ASD. She is bright and in mainstream school. Her issues are mainly social emotional and anxiety related. She relies on visuals for knowing what's happening daily, and has set routines, she is naive and takes everything literally. However at 7 and a half years old, I am now getting frustrated at her lack of ability to perform self care tasks. Yes I expect to still supervise and support with washing and brushing teeth etc but she literally gets out the bath after me asking 10 times and stands there saying she's cold until I dry her. She will not pick up a towel and wrap it round herself, even if prompted. Should she understand and be able to do this by now? What can your children manage alone and what do they need help with? Or am I missing something that she finds hard about this task?

@Hankunamatata where did you get the hooded towels? The only ones I've ever had are for babies?

I have an autistic child at a selective school. I still sometimes have to help him wash his hair and he is 13.

I'm not sure my NT kids could have dried themselves at 7 either.

Is she overwhelmed?
does she find the sensory issues around bathing difficult (and how often do you make her bath)?
Does she struggle with chaining movements?
Does she find it difficult to know why she should be doing it?
Does she have issues with realising her skin is wet?

There are loads of reasons autistic people find this sort of thing difficult. And as previous posters have said, a lot of neurotypical 7 year olds find this sort of thing hard.

Do you think you're expecting a bit much because you've got a toddler?

How soft are your towels? Have you tried a soft towel robe she can put on herself? Is it very cold in the bathroom so she’s overwhelmed by sensation? If so putting the radiator on full blast and putting down a plus bath mat might help. Have you tried showers?

I agree with not comparing to peers who are not autistic, as that will be hard for you and for your DD. My DD seems “her age” is some ways, particularly academically, but in other ways her responses are similar to that of a 4/5 year old - I remind myself of that at times and think “would I be annoyed with a 5 year old for behaving like this?” and it helps me to have more patience.

My DD12 with Adhd and ASD.

She struggles a lot with personal tasks.
Her getting periods was a nightmare which has been made easier by using the period pants instead of towels.

I still have to do a lot for her.

Well exactly the same as you'd face any other task she struggles with, visual stages to follow, details of dry feet, dry legs, dry bum etc. Change of towel into a dressing gown so she's actually wearing it. Add stages slowly so firstly she just needs to put on the dressing gown and stand and wait for you, then after a week add in the stage of rubbing arms through dressing gown, then a week later another step to dry and so on. Or head to foot stages. It's lie anything else, break it down, try different methods to teach, use pictures and key reminders, support and repeatedly model. However on the same thread my 8 year old often forgets to dry and will just put a dressing gown on and then pull clothes on while still wet so it's not that out of the timescale developmentally.

Thank you @TheSecretaryBird I will look into that. She does have visual aids, some pictures some words.
My 3yo also has additional needs and really needs watching 24/7 so I am cutting myself in half a lot, and feel like I'm only giving each of them half a mum most of the time, but that's just mum life! I do my best, just don't feel like it's good enough, especially according to MN!

Are you on your own with two kids with additional needs? That's really hard work.

If it helps, my NT 7yo wouldn't think to grab the towel after his bath, I've seen him just standing there shivering while I sort out the 4yo. If I wrap him up, I can tell him 'dry yourself and don't forget your feet' (because then he moans that his PJs don't go on easy), and he dries himself and forgets his feet so then he moans that his PJs don't go on easily. Repeat after every bath, you know how it goes

But as I have an 11yo too, I've learned to lower my expectations of what they're willing to do for themselves, even if technically able...

Sounds like difficulty with planning and sequencing maybe? She needs support to learn these skills it’s not really about whether other kids her age can do it. She can’t and you need to unpick why so you can help her develop

childdevelopment.com.au/areas-of-concern/organisation/planning-and-sequencing-praxis/

Can you get her to practice how to wrap a towel round herself when she is clothed and dry? It might be easier that way to begin with.

Although my NT 7yo still liked me to wrap her in a towel and carry her to the bedroom where she would pretend to be an egg that mother hen needed to hug until it hatched. Kids are all a bit needy after a bath imo.

And fwiw OP I expect you are a brilliant mum doing your absolute best, don't be harsh on yourself

It's not really the drying, it's just holding a towel round herself. She won't put on a robe or pajamas until her hair is dry, and won't hold the towel round herself while I dry her hair, so I dry her down and then keep blasting her with the hairdryer while I dry her hair to keep her warm. The heating is on, bathroom radiator can't be too hot as will burn someone, but door is shut to keep heat in. She loves the bath, hates the shower. Only wash hair on Sundays and bath if/when needed in the week. I work evenings, my husband does early mornings so time is limited in the week.
She has her bubble time in the bath before she gets out, but I'm often on my own at bath time and my youngest can't/won't be left, so he's always there too, or screaming for me if in his room. I'm sure she does get a bit fed up with how demanding her brother is but she has time with just me and just daddy on a weekly basis.

but from friends and family it seems a lot of peers her age are capable of a lot more

Do they have autism?

If I judged my disabled child against her peers, I’d be badly letting her down. Over the years I take my cue from her. She develops at her own rate with input from me. There are times we wonder “is that a disability thing or a 12 year old thing” but largely it doesn’t matter. It is a her thing and we just have to go with it.

Take the opportunity whilst your DC is young to just cuddle them with a towel. All too soon, our kids won't let you hug and kiss them, and when that happens, it's very sad.....

@Clymene I do have a husband and he is amazing, and he works very hard, but I am on my own a lot. I do feel like a single parent at times, but we both have our roles

Sometime it's nice to be waited on. For example I can make myself a hot drink but it's nice to have one made for me.
My kids aren't autistic but would have liked to have been wrapped in a towel at that age- especially if it's something they saw me do for their younger sibling. Does she have a bath with her sibling by any chance ? If you were going to gently encourage independence it might work k better if her sibling isn't there at the time.

I think you’re doing more than your best - and people shouldn’t judge.
If your 3 YO needs a high level of supervision it will really benefit you and her if she can increase her levels of independence to carry out set tasks.
If she is bright you might find the pictures and words are a little limiting, so if she’s ready for just words then that will give you a lot more options.
Maybe think of it as adults having a diary or a list of things to do.
Do you think a tick sheet type thing might help? You could make the steps in permanent marker, for example, and then give a wipable marker for your daughter to tick off (or any number of ways of marking it as ‘done’)

Presumably you've tried getting her to do it when she's not cold, wet and stressed from the sudden change from in-bath to not-in-bath?

Can she do it reliably then?

Amazon sell hooded towels she might wear it while you get her hair dry. It sounds really hard trying to juggle them both but I think you are expecting too much from her.

My DS has ASD. Some things around self care have taken ages. He’s a smart boy, brilliant at quizzes and got his GCSEs but it’s a developmental disorder, meaning some aspects of their development are really delayed while others are fine.

I used backward chaining a lot. So with a task you help them with most of it except the very last easy part which you teach them do for themselves. Once they’ve mastered that, you get them to do the last two small parts, then the last three. It can take months but they get there in the end. I was still putting clothes out for him in the order for him to put them on, so pants on top of the pile, then T shirt, then socks etc for years, until he was 12 or 13. He’s fine now with most aspects of self care, but it did take a very long and frustrating time, especially when he was so good at some things.

AIBU isn’t the best place to post for empathetic answers. Some people with NT DC just don’t get it, either no sympathy for the child or no sympathy for you. Keep on keeping on.

My 9 year old still gets wrapped and hugged dry in a towel by me. She loves it and on an emotional level needs it despite been capable of doing it practically.

I think just because a child is capable practically does not really mean they are ready to do something. It's a transition and often more about emotional readiness than anything else.

Thank you @WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe I am going to make some new PECS cards and a bath time routine board and go from there. I've got to get some more routines done for my son. They are a great help but when you have 2 children with additional needs but totally different abilities it is hard to cater to both at the same time, I don't want to confuse one for the sake of the other, but maybe separate bath times is the way forward, not sure how that will pan out 😬

She may need help learning how to wrap herself in a towel. It's not the simple action it looks, especially for a small child! Try laying the towel flat on the floor then showing her to approach it with arms straight out (like a bird coming in to sit on a railing) and then grabbing it on one edge with those two hands. Then she has to pick it up, fling it around her back (without it crumpling up again), grab two other parts quickly before the towel falls off, and then move her hands to hold two other parts to keep herself warm. You have to find ways to modify the usual "putting on a towel" to fit her.

Or, when she gets out of the bath, quickly wrap her in the towel while you deal with the second child. Is your bathroom set up so you can do that?

It's possible you can teach her other self-care skills, you won't know till you try, but you'll have to do some thinking about how to break things down into smaller steps.

I don't have kids with autism but with ADHD and probably some dyspraxia. My ten year old couldn't figure out how to hang up his wet towel on a hook until he was 10. He still can't hang a hand towel over the towel bar. He tries to put it on but it just keeps falling off. He doesn't know how to balance the weight of it.

@MatildaJayne thanks for acknowledging the frustration these things can cause. I am assuming from this post this particular issue is likely an autism related one, but could also be age appropriate, either way additional support to learn these skills can't hurt

I think backward chaining is the way forward. And avoid giving her a bath when you're in sole care of both children. I know you feel you should be able to but clearly that is adding massively to your stress.

In my many years of parenting an autistic child, I have learned that the best thing for us all as a family is to take the path of least resistance. Right now, it seems to me that she's not doing what you think she should be capable of, your toddler is going mad and you're stressed about him and the whole experience is pretty horrible.

I'd just bath her when your husband is around. Even if it's weird times of day.

Do anything to make your life less stressful