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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Earnings v Household chores

145 replies

Notdishwashersafe · 27/02/2022 20:07

Is there an income level where you would be happy for your OH not to do a single thing round the house?

Say, they had the big job earning £200k would that be enough for you to be happy to take it all on or is it still reasonable to ask that they pull their weight at home?

If not, is there a figure (£300k/ £400k or whatever) or would you expect someone living in your household to contribute to its smooth running regardless of the £££ they bring in?

OP posts:
Choppies · 27/02/2022 20:12

If they were on £200k I wouldn’t be expecting them to lift a finger…. but id have a cleaner/nanny/etc.

Icaru · 27/02/2022 20:14

I'd expect them to help equally or for the household to pay for services to make it easier for everyone, e.g. twice a week cleaner, someone in to do all the laundry and ironing, full time nanny if you have kids. Rich peeps I know have had a sort of butler who does all the cooking, sorts the groceries, organises and pays the other staff (e.g. cleaners or one-off maintenance people). Hours worked may be more reasonable - if they work 80 hours a week and I worked 40, then I would be willing to take on more.

WandaThePanda · 27/02/2022 20:14

Definitely not, because wages do not correlate with how hard someone actually works. I’d be much more inclined to shoulder more of the domestic burden if my OH had a gruelling full-time manual job than if he sat in a comfortable office chairing the odd meeting while earning six figures (like several senior managers I worked with as a PA who did almost fuck all)

OfstedOffred · 27/02/2022 20:16

It's not about what he earns it's about the hours we each work outside the home.

DH earns double what I do. I work about 2/3 the hours he does overall, so I tend to pick up about 2/3 the household chores and he does the other 1/3.

I think income comes into it if someone can pay to outsource a lot but you can't outsource much mental load or parenting.

Jamnation · 27/02/2022 20:19

It comes down to respect doesn't it? Really basic respect. I wouldn't want to live with someone who considered themselves above stuff they expect me to do.

FlippityFlippityFlop · 27/02/2022 20:20

Short answer NO - everyone living in the house should be involved in smooth running of the house.

Long answer - if one partner is bringing in 200k+ AND the other is a SAHP then the person at home should do more of the organising (I would also expect on this salary that quite a few things would be outsourced - i.e. having a cleaner/nanny etc). Obviously the split of who does what changes if both partners work out of the home. And weekends should definitely be shared whatever the situation. Just because one person in the partnership earns more doesn't absolve them doing anything - if that's what they want then they should employ a housekeeper/maid/cook!

Associatepeggy · 27/02/2022 20:21

I am the high earner well into 6 figures (including my dividends) I still do things around the house. If it was an issue I would just pay someone instead.

I don't think wage matters. I think hours matter. So if I am off for a week but do was working, I would take on most of it. If we are both working, he takes on more than half because I work more hours.

So in the situation you are talking about it would really depend on what hours the other one was working on how it should be split.

Surely on this sort of money, you xould pay someone if its an issue.

Original poster
Notdishwashersafe · 27/02/2022 20:22

@Choppies really? It wouldn't actually go that far - income would be around £10k a month post tax etc.
Nanny - £3.5k gross
School fees - £1.5k per child (at least if in London/ SE)
Private chef? I have no idea!
Cleaner - would have to be more a housekeeper - £15/hr for at least 15hrs a week £1k
Gardener - £500 a month (would depend on garden, I guess)

So you would have £3.5k left for everything else inc mortgage.

Plus would all that help really mean you never had to do anything? No.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2022 20:24

Huh? Whatever his income he’d still be putting his cups in the dishwasher and his pants in the washing basket. Why wouldn’t he?

SGChome20 · 27/02/2022 20:24

If both parties work equally long hours then there is no way in hell I would be saying 'you earn more just relax' no matter the figure. If I worked part time I'd expect to pick up more of the slack regardless of wages.

If a wage was a consideration it's almost like saying someone is better than you because they bring in more money and I think that's a recipe for disaster in a partnership.

Associatepeggy · 27/02/2022 20:24

[quote Notdishwashersafe]@Choppies really? It wouldn't actually go that far - income would be around £10k a month post tax etc.
Nanny - £3.5k gross
School fees - £1.5k per child (at least if in London/ SE)
Private chef? I have no idea!
Cleaner - would have to be more a housekeeper - £15/hr for at least 15hrs a week £1k
Gardener - £500 a month (would depend on garden, I guess)

So you would have £3.5k left for everything else inc mortgage.

Plus would all that help really mean you never had to do anything? No.[/quote]
Why would you presume higher earners all have nannies or have their kids in private school?

Creeeper · 27/02/2022 20:24

If they had that much I’d expect some sort of help

But I’d also be earning a decent wage myself before having children. I can’t see that two parents who earn vastly different sums can ever have a feeling of being absolutely equal

gogohm · 27/02/2022 20:25

If they are paying for household help then no

Creeeper · 27/02/2022 20:26

[quote Notdishwashersafe]@Choppies really? It wouldn't actually go that far - income would be around £10k a month post tax etc.
Nanny - £3.5k gross
School fees - £1.5k per child (at least if in London/ SE)
Private chef? I have no idea!
Cleaner - would have to be more a housekeeper - £15/hr for at least 15hrs a week £1k
Gardener - £500 a month (would depend on garden, I guess)

So you would have £3.5k left for everything else inc mortgage.

Plus would all that help really mean you never had to do anything? No.[/quote]
These are really weird and inaccurate figures, have you just plucked them from the air?!

Original poster
Notdishwashersafe · 27/02/2022 20:27

Hmmm about the hours - what if you suspect the hours worked might actually be to avoid the domestic drudgery?

Desk based job.

But even paying people - things still need to be done in the intervening time, don't they?
DC make a mess at dinner, would you honestly leave it for a cleaner who is coming in two day's time? No, you would do it yourself (wouldn't you? Or would your leave it to your OH because they "only" work 40hrs per week).

Butlers/ housekeepers that cook would cost 60% + of someone on £200k's take home pay (at least!). That sort of talk is for £500k +, surely?

OP posts:
Choppies · 27/02/2022 20:28

@Notdishwashersafe school fees, chef??, gardener all optional though - either I’d be working as well so could afford more help or I’d be staying at home or part time so happy to sort the rest :D

Original poster
Notdishwashersafe · 27/02/2022 20:30

@Creeeper not the school fees or nanny, no.
My cleaner earns £15/hr so I was probably on the low side for a housekeeper.
I don't have a regular gardener and so I am not sure on their rates.

Please, enlighten me - I am genuinely interested in how much it would cost to do nothing round the house.

OP posts:
Associatepeggy · 27/02/2022 20:31

@Notdishwashersafe

Hmmm about the hours - what if you suspect the hours worked might actually be to avoid the domestic drudgery?

Desk based job.

But even paying people - things still need to be done in the intervening time, don't they?
DC make a mess at dinner, would you honestly leave it for a cleaner who is coming in two day's time? No, you would do it yourself (wouldn't you? Or would your leave it to your OH because they "only" work 40hrs per week).

Butlers/ housekeepers that cook would cost 60% + of someone on £200k's take home pay (at least!). That sort of talk is for £500k +, surely?

Well then you have much bigger problems then. If someone could go home but doesn't to avoid being at home, there's a big problem.

Again, I know loads of high earners, non have a butler.

Dc making a mess at dinner takes a few minutes to clean up. If the parents are both home after dinner those sorts of things should be shared.

No one with a cleaner does nothing between, unless the cleaner is in everyday.

As I said, if its a decent relationship you work it between yourself. If both work pay a cleaner. Whoever is home first starts dinner. Small jobs are done between both.

Original poster
Notdishwashersafe · 27/02/2022 20:32

@Associatepeggy the person I replied to said about a nanny.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notdishwashersafe · 27/02/2022 20:33

I agree @Associatepeggy but would you sit there and leave your partner to clean up round you? Because they work fewer hours and earn less than you?

OP posts:
pointythings · 27/02/2022 20:33

For me it would be about hours worked, not income. One of my oldest friends' partner (who is an asshole) tried that one on her - both working 40 hours a week but him earning a lot more. He had her convinced that meant she should do all the housework, cleaning, cooking etc. I set her straight on that one.

formalineadeline · 27/02/2022 20:34

Hmmm about the hours - what if you suspect the hours worked might actually be to avoid the domestic drudgery?

Well, honestly, I wouldn't want to continue a relationship with a disrespectful manipulative prick who considered my purpose in life to be labouring as his housekeeper.

As pp says, it's not about earnings. They're not purchasing your services so they can shirk the responsibilities in their life that they can't be arsed with.

formalineadeline · 27/02/2022 20:37

@Notdishwashersafe

I agree *@Associatepeggy* but would you sit there and leave your partner to clean up round you? Because they work fewer hours and earn less than you?
You weren't asking me, I know, but no - because I'm not a disrespectful prick and I have a policy of not behaving like a medieval king.
Associatepeggy · 27/02/2022 20:40

@Notdishwashersafe

I agree *@Associatepeggy* but would you sit there and leave your partner to clean up round you? Because they work fewer hours and earn less than you?
No. I know that because I don't. Ad I said it's usually based around hours worked, because we can trust eachother to not take the piss out of the other.
Dishwashersaurous · 27/02/2022 20:40

It has absolutely nothing to do with earnings and everything to do with how many hours a day/week you have a choice about how you spend your time.

Most, not all, but most people on very high salaries will work very long hours, weekends and holidays. Therefore very few hours when they can choose what they do.

Mother on mat leave with difficult, ill, or non sleeping baby, completely the same .

Therefore in that situation, both should crack on with whatever needs do when they are around.

Sahm of teenage children, clearly lots of discretion about how time is spent. Therefore should do the domestic load.

It's said many times on mumsnet.com, both parents should have the same amount of off time.