Page 6 | Earnings v Household chores

Notdishwashersafe · 2022-02-27T20:07:42+00:00

Is there an income level where you would be happy for your OH not to do a single thing round the house? Say, they had the big job earning £200k would that be enough for you to be happy to take it all on or is it still reasonable to ask that they pull their weight at home? If not, is there a figure (£300k/ £400k or whatever) or would you expect someone living in your household to contribute to its smooth running regardless of the £££ they bring in?

Sceptre86 · 28/02/2022 11:01

Don't care how much anyone earns if you live in my home then you do chores. How many and how often will depend on hours worked. Hard to cook dinner if you are out of the house 16 hours a day. My dh works a 9-6 job and does 50/50 when he gets in at the weekends. There isn't a sum of money that would qualify either of us to do nothing.

1Wanda1 · 28/02/2022 11:05

DW earns 2 or 3 times what I do. We do the same job but she's a lot more successful than I am. I do most of the house stuff but she still does drop-off, will do pick-up if I can't, and she does stuff around the house. It's not equal but the reality is that her job involves more pressure and more time than mine does.

The problem with this is that it can become self-perpetuating. The one who has more home responsibilities might step up less at work knowing that they can't manage all their home stuff as well as increased responsibility at work.

There's no right answer - the only principle I think is that however your family life is arranged, it should broadly work for both of you.

billy1966 · 28/02/2022 11:14

OP,

He sounds awful.

Very selfish.

Very checked out.

I don't usually say this, but I would suspect ripe for an affair.

He doesn't care about you and he is only involved with his children on his terms.

If I were you I would make sure you have copies of all financials somewhere safe.

I would be looking at going back to work FT.

Why does this waster get to veto the cleaner when he does nothing?

Your marriage is not good.

He's a shit husband and a shit father.

Be prepared.

Crookedman · 28/02/2022 11:27

DH nets very low 6 figures and I’m a SAHP with a cleaner but we have the messiest toddler alive. He’s expected to pitch in when he’s at home and tbf he’s never ever expected not to. I actually can’t think of an income bracket at which point I wouldn’t expect him to not stick his own cup in the dishwasher or make DC breakfast on the weekends.

I’d expect him to do nothing around the house only if I had to do nothing around the house and that would probably involve staff in the evening as well 🤔 millions probably. Most people in the hundreds of thousands may outsource a bunch of stuff but am guessing they still have to load the dishwasher in the evening and don’t actually have round the clock staff.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 28/02/2022 11:35

@Notdishwashersafe

DH works ridiculous hours - I do not believe for one moment they are all 100% necessary. So, yeah, he probably puts in 2.5x the hours I do but you know what, I would probably do a few extra hours a day at the office too if it meant I could opt out of the housework and cooking. But because he earns what he does (it's not like he gets overtime) it's ok and I have to lump it. He did not work these hours before DC.

That does sound pretty manipulative.

A male I knew did this... Senior City lawyer... On 'oh so long hours'... That's what his wife thought....

The reality.??got to work at 80 ish ...had breakfast, answered a few mails... Then hung out chatting re hobbies with his colleagues til around lunchtime...May have made a couple of brief work calls. Long leisurely lunch at pub with friends ... May have done a couple of hours work post lunch.... Then played computer games/watched films for several hours at his desk... Often til 730-8pm before leaving, so his small kids would be fed and bathed and the worst of evening domestic chaos had been done by his wife.

She believed he was largely working a 12 /13 hour plus day...

Most days he could have fitted his work into about 2.5 hours.... (I worked with him!)

yikesanotherbooboo · 28/02/2022 11:57

Effort at home should only be allocated on the basis of who has the time to provide it.
The attitude that the higher earning partner has some extra kudos within the family and is in any way superior to the lower earning partner is obnoxious.
Your work has equal value within the family because you are a partnership.

Ganymedemoon · 28/02/2022 12:15

I cannot really see how much someone earns influences how much they help around the house... more money does not equate to working harder. However more money would mean been able to pay for more help around the house.

Starseeking · 28/02/2022 13:07

At times, my EXDP didn't even bother to flush the toilet after doing a massive poo, and he earned HALF of what I do!

It all comes down to basic respect OP, what they earn is irrelevant. It sounds like your DH doesn't respect you, or your contribution to the household at all. And he expects you to be his servant. If you're not happy with that, you need to leave.

Choppies · 28/02/2022 13:18

Yeah if you are working and he can’t even put a mug away he’s taking the piss. I had initially thought this was a hypothetical with a stay at home mum of school age kids or something. But he is really really taking the piss

Stressedout1009 · 28/02/2022 13:33

@Choppies

If they were on £200k I wouldn’t be expecting them to lift a finger…. but id have a cleaner/nanny/etc.

This.

G5000 · 28/02/2022 15:00

But if you lot want to be bitter at your OH and waste evenings arguing, keep going as you were.

Nah I'm good, I personally married an adult and I don't need to bribe him to act like one.
In case of OP, I'm really doubtful that any amount of flattery makes someone prioritise their family, if they do not want to.

Orangello · 28/02/2022 15:05

If they were on £200k I wouldn’t be expecting them to lift a finger…. but id have a cleaner/nanny/etc.

OP works basically full time, so she should do the rest? Unless you have a live in full time housekeeper and live in full time nanny (and 200K is not really salary for that level of staffing), a cleaner and babysitter would still leave a ton of work to do around the house, not to mention all the mental load.

peboh · 28/02/2022 15:29

If both people are working full time hours? Then no, money doesn't equal housework contributions. If they're working overtime to ensure that kind of money, then yes I'd imagine the one doing less should be dong slightly more around the house, but with the higher earner pulling their weight when they're home.
If one is a sahp, then they should be doing the majority, but still with working partner doing bits when they're home.

It's a partnership, which means you work together to come up with an agreement that works and both parties are happy with. If the agreement doesn't work, then conversations need to be had.

NotMyDayJob · 28/02/2022 20:13

LOL I definitely expect my H to lift a finger 🤣 the very idea that he wouldn't do anything because he earns a lot.

Original poster

Notdishwashersafe · 02/03/2022 15:23

I thought you lot might laugh at this - I increased the cleaner's hours and transferred the money for the month (I do it in advance, I trust her) yesterday.
DH noticed today and I got a very rare during the working day WhatsApp questioning it and saying that he doesn't approve.

I told him the alternative would be that he has to commit to 3hrs per week cleaning. He claims he already does, oh how we laughed.
I listed out what he has done in 2022-
Wiped the shower over once
Cleaned the guest bedroom and bathroom once (his mother was coming to stay)
Hoovered the house once
Cooked one meal (which I shopped for)
No washing, no ironing, no food shopping/ meal planning.
One school run.

In almost 9 weeks - does that look like 27 hours of effort?

Apparently he is always putting the dishwasher on - ok, he's got me. Once he has eaten the meal I have prepared he puts his plate in the dishwasher and shuts the door (I set it ready to go). Oh the effort, he must need a lay down after that.
He never unloads it though.

He also asked about the HUGE pile of ironing he did "for me". It was a normal week's worth and was back in November when I had covid. It was a rare event.

He has gone silent. I shall take that as a small victory.

Do you think you can delude yourself into thinking you do more than you actually do?

OP posts:

Fairislefandango · 02/03/2022 16:12

I don't see why salary has anything to do with it at all. I do far more housework than dh, but that's purely because I work far fewer hours than he does. It's about time available, not money. If I worked half his hours but triple his salary (I wish!), then I'd still be doing the majority of the housework. I literally do mot understand why money has anything to do with it (except for affecting whether you might hire a cleaner).

Carrie76 · 02/03/2022 16:16

My DH earns that kind of money and helps around the house. He helps clean up after dinner, will turn on/ empty dishwasher. I do most of it obviously as I only work a few hours a week. If I put on a wash and am out when it’s done he’ll hang it out etc. As someone else says it’s about respect, he doesn’t doesn’t expect to be waited on

didshedidntshe · 02/03/2022 16:21

If they were earning £200k I would not expect them to do anything but that's because I wouldn't bother working lol, I'd probably outsource that stuff and volunteer!

But if I was working full time too, even if I earned less, I would expect it to still be 50/50 regarding household jobs or outsource it

Seagal · 02/03/2022 17:41

@Notdishwashersafe

I thought you lot might laugh at this - I increased the cleaner's hours and transferred the money for the month (I do it in advance, I trust her) yesterday. DH noticed today and I got a very rare during the working day WhatsApp questioning it and saying that he doesn't approve.

I told him the alternative would be that he has to commit to 3hrs per week cleaning. He claims he already does, oh how we laughed.
I listed out what he has done in 2022-
Wiped the shower over once
Cleaned the guest bedroom and bathroom once (his mother was coming to stay)
Hoovered the house once
Cooked one meal (which I shopped for)
No washing, no ironing, no food shopping/ meal planning.
One school run.

In almost 9 weeks - does that look like 27 hours of effort?

Apparently he is always putting the dishwasher on - ok, he's got me. Once he has eaten the meal I have prepared he puts his plate in the dishwasher and shuts the door (I set it ready to go). Oh the effort, he must need a lay down after that.
He never unloads it though.

He also asked about the HUGE pile of ironing he did "for me". It was a normal week's worth and was back in November when I had covid. It was a rare event.

He has gone silent. I shall take that as a small victory.

Do you think you can delude yourself into thinking you do more than you actually do?

His silence is deafening

Well done op.

cornflakedreams · 02/03/2022 18:01

Serious question, you know you deserve to be treated better than this, right?

I get why you're saying it, but I struggle to raise a laugh about him treating you so poorly. It's not normal to be treated like staff in your own home.

You deserve so much fucking better.