Earnings v Household chores

[Notdishwashersafe]

Is there an income level where you would be happy for your OH not to do a single thing round the house?

Say, they had the big job earning £200k would that be enough for you to be happy to take it all on or is it still reasonable to ask that they pull their weight at home?

If not, is there a figure (£300k/ £400k or whatever) or would you expect someone living in your household to contribute to its smooth running regardless of the £££ they bring in?

Nope, there is no amount of earnings that entitles someone to opt out of parenting and choose to be a shit dad like that. Nope.

OK. So this is actually about work but that he has completely checked out from family life and isn't participating.

The party example is just pathetic.

Time for a serious conversation, not about housework , chores or jobs, but that he isn't involved in the children lives.

Then you can decide what to do with that information.

Maybe book a babysitter and actually go out to have the conversation and keep it calm

@Notdishwashersafe

No *@Creeeper* I have the rich man and have turned into a maid.

I just wanted opinions on whether other people would put up with it because their partner's salary was high - my DH seems to think so.

All adults should do household chores if they are in the house. Like pp say, it is a matter of basic respect. They should also play a meaningful role in parenting their children.

My DH works very long hours (8am-10pm most of the week, sometimes into the early hours). I don't cook for him, I'm not responsible for his laundry and I don't clean up after him. If he's running out the door and yells, "Can you put a load of my stuff on?", I will do it. Likewise, if I've made food for me and DS and there are leftovers, I will leave some in the fridge for DH to eat when he gets back, otherwise he has to sort himself out. Equally, if I've forgotten something while out shopping, I'll message him and he'll pop into the shop and get it for me if he manages to leave work before everything shuts. But neither of us is the other's skivvy. We are both fully-functioning independent adults.

At weekends, I do let DH catch up on sleep if he's gone short during the week but then I expect him to muck in. As he doesn't see DS much during the week, I'm happy for him to take DS out and prioritise spending time with DS over doing chores, but still I would expect help with getting dinner sorted, setting table, emptying the dishwasher, taking bins out etc.

All the figures and hours are irrelevant If you aren’t both happy with the situation - if you didn’t sign up to be the maid then he needs to respect that! I would personally be quite happy around the house as I enjoy cooking/ cleaning/gardening but if you’re not then you’re not!

So if he earned 200K you could hire a ..replacement dad?

The party example is pathetic. I could not tolerate a man who thought it was acceptable to needlessly disappoint his child.

I don't understand how what you earn has anything to do with doing your fair share at home.

I think your husband is completely taking the piss, especially if his hours have increased since you've had kids instead of going down. Why do men get to check out of their family responsibilities because of work when so many women seem to be able to fit their work around the family? 🤔

OH and I work similar hours but he earns 4 times what I do. That does NOT mean he does a quarter of chores that I do!
In fact I like to think that my work is at least 4 times as useful as what he does so if anything perhaps he should do more….
As it is, we share it all out pretty well.

My dh is a high earner (I think anyway) and I'm sahm. Equal leisure time. His contribution to our family is the hours he works, so whether he's earning high or minimum wage he still needs to pick up after himself and on busy weeks do more at home, or whatever the case. And if he's had a bad day and it suits he can have a night off but that goes both ways. It's about the effort I think.

Op, if you don't like your life, change it.

I think it depends on the type of job you do. If the high earner does that job for the money, and the other doesn’t work out of choice OR earns less because they’ve chosen a job because they enjoy it I think they should pick up more.

Regardless of income, once he's home he's expected to pitch in. If I'm not working with a couple of kids in full time school I'd expect to do MORE but if I was home with four under 5 then I'd be looking at doing far less in the day.

@MrsWinters - interesting you say that. I earn less but not because I chose a job that I enjoy. Why should it make a difference? How would you quantify it?
I chose my current job because my DH's work dominates everything else and my work just got squeezed and squeezed - it came down to us either keeping a nanny on once our youngest started FT school or me dropping my hours (the net £ effect wasn't too different but at least I am here to put the DC to bed). DH refused to countenance reducing his hours.
I believed it was a joint decision but I think he might have actually used this to leverage his position.
He got in from work at 9pm and sat down to the meal I made for him, watched me ironing the DC's school uniform but said no to me increasing the cleaner's hours because of the cost.
Ho hum.

He sounds awful, OP. How you managed not to brain him over the head with the iron...?

Do you like him at all?

He's checked out hasn't he. That party trick was cruel. I'd have made him tell one of the kids they couldn't go because he couldn't be bothered to take them. He has no understanding of what kids need has he?

On the bright side 16% of his income could keep you going - especially with half+ of the assets!

But no there is no amount of money that would make me accept someone who thought they shouldn't have to lift a finger or engage with their kids/family.

Everyone who lives in a house should contribute towards the running of it. The split of "chores" of course should take into account working hours, children, health issues etc. What you don't want is one person wandering about not even cleaning up after themselves with the other person running around like their skivvy.

You really need to talk to him properly and say that the current set up is not working for you. And then agree changes

I think hours worked and commuted would be more fair.

No you shouldn’t be your partner’s skivvy just because s/he’s earning the big bucks, and if they loved and respected you they wouldn’t want you to be.

Dh does 9 to 5 5 days a week, from home. I do 8:30-5 4 days a week, but from an office about 40 minutes away. Dh does weekday meals, I do weekends. Bathroom gets wiped over after use, probably deep cleaned once a month or so. We have older dc and they do their bit (dishwasher, laundry etc). I'd quite like to have a cleaner but I kind of begrudge paying them more per hour than I earn so I don't. Dh earns far more than me per hour.

No amount. Unless everything was outsourced and then we could spend the time together?
On principle, I don’t find lazy men attractive.

I have a friend with a husband who earns a million dollars a year and does NOTHING, using his work/salary as a justification. She is not happy, and he is poorly viewed by everyone who knows them as a lazy and disrespectful husband because of this. They have cleaners etc, but because he doesn’t engage with any aspect of family life, mental load or any of it, he’s just entirely absent and very much resented.
It’s emotional labour too that’s important in a family.

Wouldn’t give AF long as they were paying a cleaner or handyman ! Actually, I’d prefer that !
Long as they were engaging with the children.

I’d just get discovered @Notdishwashersafe because at least then you wouldn’t have to wash his pants