Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Earnings v Household chores

145 replies

Notdishwashersafe · 27/02/2022 20:07

Is there an income level where you would be happy for your OH not to do a single thing round the house?

Say, they had the big job earning £200k would that be enough for you to be happy to take it all on or is it still reasonable to ask that they pull their weight at home?

If not, is there a figure (£300k/ £400k or whatever) or would you expect someone living in your household to contribute to its smooth running regardless of the £££ they bring in?

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 27/02/2022 20:41

Dh is a v high earner. I'm a sahm. He doesn't do anything at home. Ds is primary age, so I have time in the day to do the housework stuff. I don't do ironing though, that goes out. So does the gardening. Dh is quite clear - if I don't want to do it, pay someone else to. We're both happy with that.

Creeeper · 27/02/2022 20:45

[quote Notdishwashersafe]@Creeeper not the school fees or nanny, no.
My cleaner earns £15/hr so I was probably on the low side for a housekeeper.
I don't have a regular gardener and so I am not sure on their rates.

Please, enlighten me - I am genuinely interested in how much it would cost to do nothing round the house.[/quote]
Well I’m on that sort of salary and have a gardener who comes once a quarter for 4 hours, it’s £25 an hour so nothing like what you’re talking about

But why are you asking? These are all very specific questions

Are you hoping to bag a rich man and stay at home doing nothing?

Original poster
Notdishwashersafe · 27/02/2022 20:47

DH works ridiculous hours - I do not believe for one moment they are all 100% necessary.
So, yeah, he probably puts in 2.5x the hours I do but you know what, I would probably do a few extra hours a day at the office too if it meant I could opt out of the housework and cooking. But because he earns what he does (it's not like he gets overtime) it's ok and I have to lump it.
He did not work these hours before DC.

OP posts:
G5000 · 27/02/2022 20:47

No, I don't expect to be sitting on my arse doing nothing just because I have a massive salary. Do you also mean the higher earner would neglect their children and do nothing with/for them?

If the other parent is a SAHP of school-aged children, I would expect that they do the majority of chores during the day though.

Original poster
Notdishwashersafe · 27/02/2022 20:49

No @Creeeper I have the rich man and have turned into a maid.

I just wanted opinions on whether other people would put up with it because their partner's salary was high - my DH seems to think so.

OP posts:
Icaru · 27/02/2022 20:50

@Notdishwashersafe

Hmmm about the hours - what if you suspect the hours worked might actually be to avoid the domestic drudgery?

Desk based job.

But even paying people - things still need to be done in the intervening time, don't they?
DC make a mess at dinner, would you honestly leave it for a cleaner who is coming in two day's time? No, you would do it yourself (wouldn't you? Or would your leave it to your OH because they "only" work 40hrs per week).

Butlers/ housekeepers that cook would cost 60% + of someone on £200k's take home pay (at least!). That sort of talk is for £500k +, surely?

I'm thinking rich as 500k plus tbh!

Our household income this year was 200k ish, no children, I just turned 30. He earns about double what I do but actually does most chores due to being unable to sit down if it's messy and being proactive with stuff. Both wfh but I actually work about an hour longer than him a day. We have a cleaner and all the robot devices (lawnmower, roombas, fancy self cleaning appliances).

I dunno, it sounds like a lot of money but tonight we got kfc so we didnt have to do the dishwasher.

I dont think we have enough household chores that either of us needs to spend more than half an hour a day on them, suspect it would get more strained about splits if we ever have a kid.

TheHoptimist · 27/02/2022 20:51

@Choppies

If they were on £200k I wouldn’t be expecting them to lift a finger…. but id have a cleaner/nanny/etc.
In the real world that isnt affordable

You take home about £8k a month
Nanny £2.5 k a month, cleaner doing everything £800
then mortgage, household costs etc

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/02/2022 20:52

I don’t think it goes on amount of earnings, it goes on how many hours each person works (give or take). So the principle is each partner/ parent gets equal leisure time, and you work back from there.

If someone wants to buy in help to cover some of the overall work/ their share if that’s fair in the circumstances , that’s ok too.

Associatepeggy · 27/02/2022 20:52

You don't trust him with the basics of treat you and your kids like you matter. If you really believe he is faking the hours he works and not spending time with you or the kids or support you at all.

Its dead in the water

chairbumg · 27/02/2022 20:53

Define household chores, regardless of earnings I would expect then to do a few things however I wouldn't be doing it all. I would outsource

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/02/2022 20:53

So no, j wouldn’t put up with it because my DH earned well (if I had one)

Creeeper · 27/02/2022 20:54

@Notdishwashersafe

No *@Creeeper* I have the rich man and have turned into a maid.

I just wanted opinions on whether other people would put up with it because their partner's salary was high - my DH seems to think so.

It would have been easier to understand if you’d put this in the OP, but no, he’s taking you for a ride

However, if you’re not even sure of what his outgoings are that you’re having to guess them because he won’t tell you then that’s an even bigger problem tbh

Shamoo · 27/02/2022 20:56

I earn over 200k but do plenty of chores and childcare as I’m not a selfish prick

Icaru · 27/02/2022 20:56

@Notdishwashersafe

No *@Creeeper* I have the rich man and have turned into a maid.

I just wanted opinions on whether other people would put up with it because their partner's salary was high - my DH seems to think so.

Ah, this has nothing to do with income. If you're feeling like the help/his mum then it's time to change things or end things. There's no way you'll feel anything romantic for him if you feel taken advantage of.
Brakebackcyclebot · 27/02/2022 21:02

It's about mutual respect, surely? I would hate to love with someone who said "I earn £200k so I will never wipe a surface or clean a loo". Because such a person would be a selfish, patronising arse, and I do not want to live with one of those.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/02/2022 21:06

What evidence do you have that he doesn't have to do these hours?

If he is working double you, then you should do more. But not everything.

Outsourcing what you can.

Then priorities what you want to do

chairbumg · 27/02/2022 21:07

I just wanted opinions on whether other people would put up with it because their partner's salary was high - my DH seems to think so.

No I wouldn't but some men expect it & plenty of women do put up with it.

SpinsForGin · 27/02/2022 21:07

It's not about earnings. I would say it's more about hours worked and how's taxing/stressful your job was.

Original poster
Notdishwashersafe · 27/02/2022 21:08

@Creeeper I asked because I wanted to set out to DH how much he would need to earn in order to do nothing around the house.

What issue have you got with the outgoings?
Our nanny was £3.5k a month (including her Tax, NI and pension), once DC went to school we let her go but I know plenty of people who keep them on to do all the drop offs/ collections/ holidays. School fees are around £15k per year per child but we spend on average an additional £1k/ term per child on wrap around care - so about £1.5k per child.

I know full well what my DH's expenses are because I am the one that deals with all the bills.

Ok, I don't know what a gardener charges - you've got me.

OP posts:
CrimbleCrumble1 · 27/02/2022 21:08

My DH earned just under 200k before he retired, I did everything in the house, it took a couple of hours a day. Weekends were completely free for fun stuff unless he got a work call. We were both happy with the set up.

MsVestibule · 27/02/2022 21:13

I can't imagine DH earning any amount would absolve him of doing absolutely nothing in the house. Did I read correctly that you work 40 hours a week?

Shamoo · 27/02/2022 21:15

I should add I worked with plenty of men who didn’t go home because they wanted to avoid their families, not because they had too much work!

Original poster
Notdishwashersafe · 27/02/2022 21:15

@Dishwashersaurous evidence? Nothing concrete but things like coming home early from work when he thinks we are out (he never usually gets home before 8pm) but is so unengaged from what goes on at home he doesn't realise our doorbell lets me know, being able to make events that he wants to go to (meal/ drinks with friends)but always too busy at work for those he doesn't (day with my family).
That sort of thing.
Today I had two different parties for my DC - he didn't realise he would have to go to one of them and so cried off to work instead when he realised. My mum had to step in otherwise I would have had to let one or both children down.

OP posts:
formalineadeline · 27/02/2022 21:16

I asked because I wanted to set out to DH how much he would need to earn in order to do nothing around the house.

I don't think there is any amount someone could earn that would entitle them to behave like that.

DingDongtheWitchisDrunk · 27/02/2022 21:17

Notdishwashersafe
@Choppies really? It wouldn't actually go that far - income would be around £10k a month post tax etc.
Nanny - £3.5k gross
School fees - £1.5k per child (at least if in London/ SE)
Private chef? I have no idea!
Cleaner - would have to be more a housekeeper - £15/hr for at least 15hrs a week £1k
Gardener - £500 a month (would depend on garden, I guess)

So you would have £3.5k left for everything else inc mortgage.

Plus would all that help really mean you never had to do anything? No.
These are really weird and inaccurate figures, have you just plucked them from the air?!

Actually, her figures and very, very accurate.