Page 4 | Earnings v Household chores

DockOTheBay · 27/02/2022 23:03

If they earn 100k+ i would be expecting them to hire a cleaner.

However I don't think its the income which determines % of housework, but how many hours. I'm a teacher and work more hours and have more stress than my husband who earns twice as much but works a desk job from home and only works 9 to 5.

VodselForDinner · 27/02/2022 23:16

I think the question is be asking myself is “how far does my husband have to check out of family life before I’d consider leaving him?”

He might find that half an hour of cleaning each day is preferable to having the children on his own a couple of times a week post-divorce.

NopeNoNope · 27/02/2022 23:31

@Notdishwashersafe

Is there an income level where you would be happy for your OH not to do a single thing round the house?

Say, they had the big job earning £200k would that be enough for you to be happy to take it all on or is it still reasonable to ask that they pull their weight at home?

If not, is there a figure (£300k/ £400k or whatever) or would you expect someone living in your household to contribute to its smooth running regardless of the £££ they bring in?

Is there an income figure you'd earn yourself where you think you get to not lift a finger in keeping your home tidy and that the other adults should do it all?

If the answer is no, then I'd expect other adults I choose to live with don't treat me like I have to it all because I earn less.

TheRawPrawn · 28/02/2022 05:43

He sounds exactly like the husband my friend is married to. He does the same things, he even calls her from their garage to check the kids are asleep before coming into the house. He has plenty of time for his hobbies on the weekend, because he needs to “decompress from work”. Which means he doesn’t do anything with the family on the weekends either.
He’s rubbish, and I’m sorry to say, your husband sounds the same. It’s very disrespectful and the opposite of loving to treat his wife and children this way.

KatharinaRosalie · 28/02/2022 06:08

Yes I know a guy like that as well, always needs to work late - yes he as a big job, but his colleague on the same level goes home for dinner and bedtime, and finishes work after that. He chooses not to.
He also needs to 'relax' on weekends so those are spent on hobbies or friends. On a good week, when he is not travelling, his wife says he sees his small children about 3 hours, combined.
He earns about 400K but no, I don't think I would be happy with this situation. It's not really a question who pushes the hoover around, but checking out of family life.

Associatepeggy · 28/02/2022 06:08

This isn't about money, this is about being a dick. Honestly, you life sounds harder than mine was as a Single parent using breakfast and after school clubs because a nanny would have been more than my wage at the time.

I actually found like pretty great. House easier to keep up. Everything organised how I wanted it. Spent a but of time each day keeping on top of it and a couple of hours at the weekend. I used to take a lat lunch on a Friday about 3pm. Do mu food shopping. Put it in cooler bags and take it home at about 5pm.

Everyone I know who works at the level your husband does has a lot of control over their own diary. They still go to things for their kids. We do work, genuinely, alot of hours. I have already checked my emails and answered 5 (reply on time delay till 7.30) and worked about 6 hours over the weekend. Even our MD is very involved with his kids. He is rich enough to have a gardener, cleaner 5 days a week who also does the washing an ironing. His wife doesn't work and does the cooking and food shopping and school runs. They are a lovely couple who, seem to support each other and both very involved with their kids. We have kids of similar ages so have been going through the uni applications stage together and even went to some open days as a group. He was very involved. He took them to parties went to school events, meetings etc.

I very much doubt, whatever his job is, he needs to check out of family life. He doesn't need to be a shit dad and a shit husband.

user1497787065 · 28/02/2022 06:24

My DH has a business and works between 50 and 60 hours a week and I was made redundant in September 2020. I no longer work and so everything at home and also the admin/accounts for DH business.

I do all the house cleaning, washing, ironing and cooking. I also deal with the household admin.

I think the key thing here is that although I do all these things it does not mean that my DH wouldn't.

I suppose how we operate as a household is quite old fashioned.

I don't think it is about how much your DH earns but more about the time he and you both have.

Grumpsy · 28/02/2022 06:28

At an income level where he can pay people to do all cooking, cleaning and gardening.

I warn a lot more than he does though, so I can’t see that happening any time soon.

PrinceParry · 28/02/2022 06:34

Definitely not the case in my experience that higher wages equals having to do less round the house. It probably is true statistically but only because men traditionally earn more while the woman is more like to be a sahm. Also the assumption that people earning that kind of money spend so much on "help" is inaccurate. I earn >£200k, as does dh. I have a cleaner once a week, kids are in normal state schools, there's nothing snazzy going on here in terms of farming out running the house! And I do far more than dh which is my own doing and something I very much need to address...

timeisnotaline · 28/02/2022 06:37

Isnt the point that you thought you’d both be parents to your children and role models for them and instead hes fucked off on parenting? That wouldn’t be acceptable to me if my dh earnt a million a month. He’d still have to know how to bath his baby and take his boys to football, perhaps not every week if he travelled, but he wouldn’t be too good for basic parenting , and it’s never ok to treat your spouse like the help.

Jvg33 · 28/02/2022 06:57

@Choppies

If they were on £200k I wouldn’t be expecting them to lift a finger…. but id have a cleaner/nanny/etc.

This. Everytime my DH gets a significantly higher wage he has more responsibility and less time to do housework.

Justdiscovered · 28/02/2022 07:00

What matters is that both adults agree that’s how they will run the house. And that the working / high earning adult sees the other person not as a house manager general dogsbody but as someone who is facilitating the family’s lifestyle and also needs occasional encouragement, appreciator mental break / especially if there are small children involved

Pizzadreams · 28/02/2022 07:09

Isn’t this slightly misleading, it seems to be is there an income level where neither of you have to do anything and can hire domestic staff to do everything for us.

How very odd. No matter what we earned I’d expect us both to contribute equally to the running of our home, whatever that invovled,

mizzo · 28/02/2022 07:11

Money is irrelevant IMO. I don't think I'd want to be with someone who didn't do anything at all and I don't think I'd ever be comfortable with having people do everything for me. I cringe at having to have a window cleaner!

I'm a SAHM and DH works away most of the week. He pays higher rate tax but earns nothing like the amounts mentioned here however we have enough that he could never work again.

I do the vast majority of household stuff, obviously because I'm here to do it. I won't have a cleaner by choice, DH suggests it regularly. However he does what he can when he's here and he prioritises spending time with the children. I had covid recently and was in bed for a few days, he worked from home and took care of pretty much everything. He does the odd annoying thing like leaving shoes and crisp packets lying around but I have annoying habits too!

Jvg33 · 28/02/2022 07:29

@timeisnotaline

Isnt the point that you thought you’d both be parents to your children and role models for them and instead hes fucked off on parenting? That wouldn’t be acceptable to me if my dh earnt a million a month. He’d still have to know how to bath his baby and take his boys to football, perhaps not every week if he travelled, but he wouldn’t be too good for basic parenting , and it’s never ok to treat your spouse like the help.

I'm not sure the op meant looking after their children just cleaning, shopping, laundry, gardening etc. My DH earns a large sum and works long days so if I had do all the laundry and meal planning he would have less time to spend with me and the kids. I would rather he do children duties over laundry.

Jvg33 · 28/02/2022 07:30

*so if he - not I

Jvg33 · 28/02/2022 07:37

Just read some more of op posts. I would outsource everything you don't want to do and spend the time on a hobby. It's not good that he has literally checked out of family life. That is not normal. My DH works long hours but majority is WFH and he will spend some break time playing with his kids when he can and weekends he loves going out with the kids.

Fretfulmum · 28/02/2022 07:40

Sorry OP but this is nothing about your DH and what he earns. It’s about how much he wants to participate in family life. Earning a high wage allows you to outsource some household chores you don’t want to do. It seems he also wants to outsource his role as a father and a husband in your family.
I am the higher earner in our house. Similar to your DH. I absolutely do my fair share of house work and childcare because I want to, I want to have a good relationship with DC and DH and spend quality time with them. Outsourcing to cleaners and a nanny helps me with that. But unless they are here everyday, we still have to pick up household tasks, me included. I live at home so why wouldn’t I do it

Original poster

Notdishwashersafe · 28/02/2022 07:47

He does spend time with the DC - on his terms, doing things he wants to do. He happily takes them to clubs at weekends but hates taking them to parties - so he just, doesn't.
Same with the housework - he used to be very clean and tidy but as he has earned more he has done less and less.

We had an argument last night about it - I had been seething most of the day and had written a list.
Before we had DC we both worked long hours - even when I went back to work our nanny often worked until 7pm and we would take turns in getting home on time.
We took the decision that I would take a less stressful (and less well paid) role that had come up and now I work 9-4pm. since then he has stopped doing anything round the house and has started working even longer hours - he takes it as carte blanche that he can work when he likes.

He claims he hoovers but I know for a fact this has not happened in 2022 (this was his justification for not increasing the cleaner's hours). He honestly thinks he pulls his weight

OP posts:

thenewduchessoflapland · 28/02/2022 08:06

He reminds me of a man my DH use to work with.His hours were 8am-6pm at work.He use to turn up at 7am and leave at 7pm sitting in his car in the car park for the hour before and after work watching films etc on his phone.

DH told he thought it was weird but laughed about it.I asked him what was this mans commute time and he replied about 20mins because of where his colleague lived.I asked if he was attached and my DH told me this man was married.I asked if the mans wife worked and he replied she was a teacher.Then I asked if there was any children;there was a child;a toddler.

I said to DH;he leaves at about 6:40am and doesn't get home until 7:20pm;he's avoiding having to do anything that constitutes parenting his home child then and is probably avoiding having to cook dinner etc.How he managed to conceal 40 hours of less pay each month than he wife obviously thought he earns I don't know.

stuntbubbles · 28/02/2022 08:08

This isn't about money, this is about being a dick.
This! DP earns twice as much as I do and he still does 50/50 nursery runs and bedtimes, and despite long hours is perfectly capable of finding the time to clean the dishwasher filter or run a hoover around. And when he had a long commute he’d still take the howling demon baby from me the moment he stepped in the door, because all day with a howling baby trumped a day at work and a train journey.

There’s no amount of money he could earn that would make me like and respect him if he felt the money earned him a get-out-of-family-life pass. Yes, we’d pay to outsource stuff, but he’d still need to do the share of admin for the outsourcing – who books, pays and preps for the cleaner? That sort of thing.

whysoserious123 · 28/02/2022 08:10

Wages are irrelevant, the amount of hours relevant

Standard working hours for whatever wage I would expect help from either them and or a cleaner

Lots of working hours then I'd expect solely me to do it and or a cleaner if we could afford the help

whysoserious123 · 28/02/2022 08:11

@whysoserious123

Wages are irrelevant, the amount of hours relevant

Standard working hours for whatever wage I would expect help from either them and or a cleaner

Lots of working hours then I'd expect solely me to do it and or a cleaner if we could afford the help

When I say lots I mean LOTS not 8-6 over 5 days a week

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/02/2022 08:20

@FlippityFlippityFlop

Short answer NO - everyone living in the house should be involved in smooth running of the house.

Long answer - if one partner is bringing in 200k+ AND the other is a SAHP then the person at home should do more of the organising (I would also expect on this salary that quite a few things would be outsourced - i.e. having a cleaner/nanny etc). Obviously the split of who does what changes if both partners work out of the home. And weekends should definitely be shared whatever the situation. Just because one person in the partnership earns more doesn't absolve them doing anything - if that's what they want then they should employ a housekeeper/maid/cook!

This.

Your husband sounds like he has totally checked out of everything and abdicated responsibility entirely to you.

This wouldn't be okay for me at any salary level in theory.

In reality if it was my lovely DH and he was earning £1m + a year and we could outsource EVERYTHING (I mean hire an FTE nanny housekeeper, driver, gardener)
I'd probably make my peace with him not helping run the house. HOWEVER Attending family events (eg the days with your family) and being part of family life would be non negotiable at any salary.

200k in London isn't enough for him to check out.
I earned that now and still unstack the dishwasher, clean the bathroom. And pick up dog poop etc #TheGlamour

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/02/2022 08:25

You are still working 9-4
That's hardly a part time job...!

He is not being fair at all!!!!

Can you go back to your" proper" well paid career? I would be looking at options honestly as talking isn't working with him.