Earnings v Household chores

[Notdishwashersafe]

Is there an income level where you would be happy for your OH not to do a single thing round the house?

Say, they had the big job earning £200k would that be enough for you to be happy to take it all on or is it still reasonable to ask that they pull their weight at home?

If not, is there a figure (£300k/ £400k or whatever) or would you expect someone living in your household to contribute to its smooth running regardless of the £££ they bring in?

Absolutely not.

Chores aren't about money, and while hours worked will inevitably play a part (everyone should have equal rest time) but it's also about setting good patterns and lessons for your children who are watching your parenting dynamic and how much respect you have for each other.

Yup he sounds like a muppet

I can just imagine that conversation with DH … “according to some bloke as I earn over X I no longer need to do anything at home…” 🤣

Your value and contribution to the household isn’t defined by wage

Who deals with all the bills, Mots etc op? That takes up a lot of time. I know things sounds difficult to do when you are annoyed at your partner but it is a fake it until you make it scenario. Positive enco

*Positive encouragement wins the race. Please can you come with us to X, I really want your company. It will be more enjoyable with you there etc

@Jvg33
😅😅😅
Are you the OP's husband or just a general handmaiden?
Maybe share a few links about how to submit to your husband effectively to "help" the OP

healthychristianhome.com/submissive-wife/

👍👍👍

You are asking the wrong question. This isn't about money. He needs to participate in family life or leave. At the moment he is just a dead weight.

DH earns many times the amount suggested. He doesn't do much round the house because he works long hours- 8am-10pm is pretty typical and it's sometimes much later. He also has a lot of international travel. However, when he is here and not working he certainly does his part of the day-to-day stuff (loading the dishwasher, setting the table or whatever).

He doesn't do proper cleaning (scrubbing the loo, hoovering etc) but neither do I. We have a cleaner twice a week who does all the cleaning and ironing. I do all the cooking, admin and household management, child wrangling etc and switched from a job with long hours to a 9-5 role in order to do so. DH does the gardening because he enjoys it and it's a way to de-stress: if he didn't, we would get a gardener. It works for us.

OP, I don't think being a higher earner gets you off household chores but I do think long hours are relevant: clearly if someone is working late every night, they have less time to clean etc.

What struck me about your posts is less that your DH earns a lot or works long hours and more that you suspect he's using work as an excuse not to engage in family life. I would find that extremely frustrating. Sounds like you need to talk to him about his prioritising work at all times, and about the fact that you also work. However, no one on here can tell you whether he's actually taking the piss and staying longer at work than necessary or doing work in order to get out of chores at home.

I think all the stuff about never lifting a finger at home is a red herring. You'd need multiple full time staff to do this which most people would find both unaffordable and undesirable.

[quote Totalwasteofpaper]@Jvg33
😅😅😅
Are you the OP's husband or just a general handmaiden?
Maybe share a few links about how to submit to your husband effectively to "help" the OP

healthychristianhome.com/submissive-wife/

👍👍👍[/quote]
I'm no slave in my home. My husband loves spending time with his kids. Honestly, I know it's hard when your partner has annoyed you etc. You are more likely to get what you want with someone using positive encouragement.

@Jvg33

Who deals with all the bills, Mots etc op? That takes up a lot of time. I know things sounds difficult to do when you are annoyed at your partner but it is a fake it until you make it scenario. Positive enco

Bills and MOTs take up a lot of time? Really? This single parent has been doing all of that stuff since day 1, including holding down a full time job, both while H was alive and afterwards. What a ridiculous thing to say.

I agree with @Jvg33.

I think some men focus too much on efficiency in a very literal way and are inclined to think "ah well, if DW has got the domestic side covered, I can best contribute by spending longer at work to get that bonus I'm hoping for" (or whatever). They don't see that time spent with their partner and children is beneficial for everyone, even if it's not maximally efficient to have two parents around when one could probably cope. A bit of positive encouragement can go a long way in helping them see that that they will also be making a much-appreciated contribution simply by being around and doing the ordinary day-to-day bits of life.

No way of knowing whether OP's husband is in this category, of course, but he might be.

all the bills, Mots etc op? That takes up a lot of time

No it doesn't. If your DH has convinced you that 'dealing with bills' is a full time job and equivalent to daily cooking, cleaning and childcare, you've been had.

He claims he hoovers but I know for a fact this has not happened in 2022 (this was his justification for not increasing the cleaner's hours). He honestly thinks he pulls his weight

You shouldn't need his permission to increase the cleaners hours.

Not about money.
I allow dh to get away with doing very little household stuff because he works away and doesn't get much time at home. I am a sahm though, I would expect more from him if I was working too or he was home more often.

I used to work with men (lawyers) who would, as far as I could tell, deliberately stay in the office until they knew bedtime would be done. I don’t work in a sector that requires long hours, which is why I think it was deliberate. They are also the sort to complain about how little their wives now earn (having taken a joint decision that she would opt for less work or a lower paid job).

I despised them for it.

For reference, I am by far the higher earner and still think that DH & I should be jointly responsible for housework & childcare.

@OfstedOffred

It's not about what he earns it's about the hours we each work outside the home.

DH earns double what I do. I work about 2/3 the hours he does overall, so I tend to pick up about 2/3 the household chores and he does the other 1/3.

I think income comes into it if someone can pay to outsource a lot but you can't outsource much mental load or parenting.

Agree with this. DH and I had similar earning jobs but I dropped to part time after having DC - therefore I did the majority of child care and household tasks .

As another posters have said - if either of us had had very high earning roles then tasks such as cleaning and gardening would have been outsourced .

DH earns about £400k equivalent, we love abroad. We have about £15k/month after tax. However because of the specific nature of his job his hours are capped and it’s not that stressful. If he has an easy day, he will do dinner and bath/ bed time. He will do odd bits like general wiping surfaces or the high chair etc. We have a cleaner but no other nanny etc as where we live we don’t really need one. However for years prior I was the high earner and still did 100% of the household stuff, so the dynamics change as the situation does. I wouldn’t appreciate the mindset if he refused to lift a finger, as I still think both partners should be present for children regardless of earnings.

it's about mutual respect, mutual support, teamwork though, isn't it? It's a marriage, it's meant to be a partnership.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Comms are clearly not great - I wouldn't accept 2 parties at the same time without checking with DH about covering both. But it's not surprising that's broken down a bit when DH just expects to OP to do every single task he just doesn't fancy. That isn't how partnerships work. OP imagine he was working with a colleague at the same grade as him - would he treat that colleague as he treats you? Weirdly, if not then at least you have something to work with! I would maybe think about re-establishing the equality of the partnership, taking back the respect.

@G5000

all the bills, Mots etc op? That takes up a lot of time

No it doesn't. If your DH has convinced you that 'dealing with bills' is a full time job and equivalent to daily cooking, cleaning and childcare, you've been had.

If it wasn't so tragic, it would be funny how many men manage to convince women that all the occasional ad hoc quick jobs are really difficult and time consuming and of course more than equate to the daily and weekly jobs required to keep the family alive and healthy.

Taking the bins out, bills, MOTs, mowing the lawn, putting up the odd shelf, etc - quick, easy, occasional jobs that in no way whatsoever equate to daily food prep/cooking, shopping, parenting, caring for children, cleaning, etc.

Taking the bins out is one of the easiest chores there is - no wonder so many men claim it as theirs to get out of actually time consuming or difficult responsibilities. "Oh no, I couldn't possibly cook a meal for my family, I already spent two minutes this week taking the bins out and I am exhausted."

I wouldn't be in a partnership with the person, then, would I? If home can't be egalitarian then nowhere can. I'd rather be single and poor than stuck in a wealthy marriage whilst carrying all the mental load. No.

My H earns over £200k (although I'd class him as a high earner not a super high earner compared to some here). He still helps out with day to day chores (dishwasher etc) but we do have help around the house, not everyday so we both need to keep things ticking. When he's working late or away then he does less but that doesn't take away from the fact I work full time too. He's very happy to buy in whatever help we need, but we're not in a housekeeper every day territory. The key thing for me is engagement with our DD. If he was not taking her to parties without an extremely good reason (we generally take turns) that would be a deal breaker for me. Staying out to get out of bedtime etc, I'd leave him. If he doesn't feel up to bedtime we talk about it (again we try to take turns). I've actually just started mat leave but there is no expectation I'll necessarily do more, certainly not initially. In fact he's asked me what other help we need. So in answer to your question, no the amount your husband earns doesn't allow him to check out of family life. Especially if you're working too.

He doesn’t like his life at home, it’s unfortunately obvious from what you have written and nothing to do with money.

I suggest you have this side of the conversation and stop focussing on money and ultimately prepare to possibly divorce.

I think he is probably very money focussed, all divorces end up with people having to split assets. He probably doesn’t want to do this. If he works in any kind of field or has specialist knowledge that can hide or tie up assets from you be aware.

I'd probably be happy to take on household stuff as long as I was not expected to work too and had equal claim over the money coming in, so no financial abuse at all. But I'd have sports and stuff I'd take part in that he'd be paying for too, so since the family money would be paying for that, I'd have to contribute in some way too. Only fair that that's the household stuff.

Although I would become angry quickly if he just deliberately made mess, like not putting dirty clothes in hampers, or tidying up rubbish from chocolate bars or whatever. Because that's just lazy.

@G5000

all the bills, Mots etc op? That takes up a lot of time

No it doesn't. If your DH has convinced you that 'dealing with bills' is a full time job and equivalent to daily cooking, cleaning and childcare, you've been had.

I deal with all the bills and Mots etc so I know it takes awhile. You lot are hilarious that you think I might be brain washed. I'm a teacher also. Believe me encouragement works the majority of the time. But if you lot want to be bitter at your OH and waste evenings arguing, keep going as you were.

I'm the 'wife' and I put the bin out!

I'm less likely to put the kids to bed every evening or bath them. My toddler is difficult to put to bed at the moment. He woke up at 2am and DH took him to the guest bedroom. I didn't notice until I woke at usual time.

The point is the OP feels they are doing too much compared to their OH. So they need to change the situation. Perhaps work less or go FT and outsource more. They had a nanny before. If they don't want to do the school run etc all the time outsource or start using more positive encouragement to entice OH as arguing about it probably didn't lead to a change in circumstance.

Is the 200K gross or after tax? Makes a difference to what help you can afford to bring in, especially if you live somewhere like London/SE where the cost of living is higher.

In general though, I don't think there is a salary that would entitle someone to leave everything to their other half because it comes down to respect, doesn't it?

I'm a sahm, and my dh is out of the house for 12-16 hours every day, 5 days a week. He earns well, but he still helps out around the house.
I have had surgery recently, so he's doing most of the chores atm as well as looking after me.

Normally though, and including garden chores, I'd say chores are split 80/20, with me doing 80%.

We were at an impasse a few years ago because I felt like he was being disrespectful of me as he wasn't even tidying up after himself anymore (would just dump stuff wherever, eg, yogurt pot and spoon left on table or by sofa, clothes left on floor 2ft fm laundry basket, etc).

When I pulled him up on it, he said he wasn't expecting me to clear up after him, and my point was that he actually was because he knew no one else would do it and that because I didn't want to live in a mess, it left me clearing up his mess and it wasn't fair and just showed a lack of respect.

It took me telling him that I was on the verge of leaving him because of it, for him to take me seriously and once he really thought about it he was ashamed at how he'd started treating me and really regrets it. I think at that point it had been going on for 4 years and I'd just had enough.

Since then, he's really changed and helps out more as well as making sure he clears up after himself. He's also more appreciative of what I do and will bring me flowers, etc, just because.

Have you sat him down and really told him how it makes you feel? Would that be worth a try?