Pre-teen daughter suddenly identifying as 'non binary'.

[PatButchersEarring]

Such a first world problem, particularly in light of recent world events, but our pre-teen (12 year old) daughter has recently decided that she's non binary, has asked us to call her by a different name and refer to her as they/them.

It is all out of the blue. Up until 1 year or so ago, she was 'tom boy' ish, but generally happy in her own skin. Before this, quite typically 'girly', in the way little girls often are. I would add though, we are aware of gender stereotyping and have always actively sought to make her aware that gender stereotypes are no more than just that.

Now, we have discovered she is self harming and wants to be known by a different (non gendered) name with neutral pronouns etc.

Several of her same age friends are also identifying as the opposite gender from their biological sex. One of her female friends is declaring herself to be a 'gay male' i.e. her biologically female friend identifies as a boy and is attracted to boys. 'He' has already had several (non official) name changes.

Parents of aforementioned children seem to be in support of this.

Maybe I'm a dinosaur, but my stance is that if you're not comfortable with your 'gender' then it's the perceived gender roles which need to be changed, not the person's identity.

I don't know what to do for the best. Why oh why is this even an issue for a child who has not even gone through puberty?

I really hope this is just a phase. Is it a fashion? The new rebellion? 2022's equivalent of smoking behind the bike sheds?

Anyone else been through this? We have sought counselling for her BTW, specifically in light of the self harm.

Sorry- not really an AIBU.

It's obviously something you've discussed in your house with your opening remarks about gender and,, surprise, surprise, she's been thinking about it-discussing it with her equally "enlightend" friends and this is the result.

The self harming is more serious but again, if you fill children's heads with shit then you rock their world and kick what should be a secure floor from underneath them.

Laugh at a 12 year old girl identifying as a gay mael-fffs- and give it no credence whatsoever. Get your child away from all this shit and off social media right now.

There is none of that in this house. One girl is a tomboy-she is still a girl and the boy is a boy. I don't care if he is effeminate or tough-he's a boy full stop.

Don't open these stupid trendy doors and if you do, expect them to be confused with all that that implies.

Ynbu it's fashion and may burn out when ww3 kicks in

I would refer to them by the pronoun and name they have chosen. I think the self harming is the real issue you should be focusing on
They need help now. Tell your child you will love them no matter how they identify.

You’re not a dinosaur.
It’s always difficult to hear that your child is uncomfortable in their own skin.

However she is self harming which is bad in itself but it could also lead to trying to take her own life.

You need to support her and say you are happy to call her they/them, which you shouldn’t need to do much anyway. If the name is completely different you can try and compromise and say a shortened version of her name.

You are right this is the new fad like being a goth, emo, Barrie doll etc.

Distract her/them with horse riding lessons? !

So it's OK for young people to question their sexuality but not their gender?

Yes that's right @Momicrone.

Glad you've grasped it.

Thank you all for your replies. I am reading and digesting.

I can't see the big deal. Use the name and pronouns they prefer. Maybe she will stick with it, maybe she won't, but if you don't support her she will remember.

I would recommend you support your child. Be there for them. Listen to what they say about how they are feeling and be a sounding board. People self harm when they don't feel supported, valid and safe. You need to be that safe place for them. The gender stuff they will figure out for themselves in their own time. They need to know that you love and accept them for who they are, even though they haven't fully figured out who they are themselves yet.

Tell her you have opened her eyes and have realised you are also NB.

She may only refer to you with they/them pronouns - or even better, nonsense "neopronouns" like zie/zier.

You are no longer going to answer to any form of mum / mother. She must call you Birthing Parent. Or you will be very triggered.

If you can get your DH to play along too, he is also now NB and will answer only to Sperm Donator or Ejaculate Providing Parent.

Cut her internet use to the bone. Block Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, for starters. Go through her internet history.

Get her doing something physical. Get her volunteering with animals or horse riding or something.

You need to support this. The self harm is a massive indication here. Quite often homophobic parents think being gay is a trend or a phase, you need to work on your acceptance. The stats around misgendering, lack of support & suicide is awful

In my experience I would support them in what they would like to do at the moment as any challenging will result in massive arguments. Nod and smile while looking at resources mentioned like transgender trend and the feminism board on here.

@Ballcactus would you mind sharing those stats re misgendering and suicide?

Also try to see if you have any mental health support you can refer them to in your area, but also be mindful that lots of training is now suggesting to professionals that they accept what young people say without question.

The self harm is a coping strategy and mental health professionals will explore safety and reduction rather than stopping abruptly. Unfortunately self harm in itself isn't something that would get you an urgent mental health referral.

@SirSamVimesCityWatch

Tell her you have opened her eyes and have realised you are also NB.

She may only refer to you with they/them pronouns - or even better, nonsense "neopronouns" like zie/zier.

You are no longer going to answer to any form of mum / mother. She must call you Birthing Parent. Or you will be very triggered.

If you can get your DH to play along too, he is also now NB and will answer only to Sperm Donator or Ejaculate Providing Parent.

Cut her internet use to the bone. Block Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, for starters. Go through her internet history.

Get her doing something physical. Get her volunteering with animals or horse riding or something.

Sure, I imagine this approach of ridiculing their feelings about gender identity would be really helpful to a self-harming dc.

Honestly, I despair sometimes!

Lots of horse riding stables on inner city council estates

@Momicrone what point are you trying to make here?

Support. It's everywhere nowadays, it's normal, and it seems to make not much difference as PPs have said. Those students who identify as non-binary or as boys just seem in every way what we would have called normal girls in our day. They are not in any way shunned socially as far as I can see. It's just a trend in language. Personally, I think there's no harm in it. The gender binary IS annoying. Good luck to them in undermining it.

Some posters are suggesting horse riding lessons as some kind of 'cure', absolutely bonkers

@Hollyhead

Tell her everyone is non binary because gender is a social construct and to stop thinking she’s so special.

Well, this. We are all non binary. The attempt to police how people refer to you when you are not there is not progressing it is a childlike ego out of control. Can you talk to her about this ? I do have sympathy, I have teenage dds and we know a significant number of girls involved in this ideology. I can see on one level why, it is really hard being a teenage girl, many teenagers want to seem interesting , and yet to fit in closely with their peer group. I would talk to her about who benefits if we no longer “see” sex. It certainly is not girls or women. Talk about the difference between difficult feelings, (of not fitting in, discomfort with a changing body, unhappy with attention from boys etc ) and facts. That sex is fixed, that women and girls are discriminated against solely because of their sex. My teens are 14 and 17 and absolutely get this, because we have talked about it since they were around ten and twelve.

The stats around misgendering, lack of support & suicide is awful

I believe this irresponsible line of argument so beloved by Stonewall et al has been debunked.

OP, I’m as gender critical as they come but the non-binary stuff is practically a rite of passage these days - read up on social contagion. You’re doing absolutely the right thing by focussing on getting her MH support for the self harm - make it clear to her that that’s the issue you’re concerned about, rather than the gender stuff (which she will undoubtedly grow out of). And for the love of god, limit and supervise her internet use as much as possible.

Some of these responses are ridiculous, what will ridiculing your child do apart from know they can't come to you in future for support, and you'll just push them further and further away!

@Ballcactus I too would love to see reliable stats on this, since the Gender Identity Development Service says there is no increase in suicide in transgender children.

My DD12 is coming out the other side of this. Came to us (parents) about 3 months into Y7 saying she was non-binary and wanted to change name and pronouns. We supported, on the basis that we felt it was a response to different pressures of senior school, imminent puberty, social pressures of femininity etc. Challenged it lightly but broadly went along with it. Told the school, they also were supportive. Didn't particularly limit social media further. Had some of the arguments with wider family on her behalf. She's now, 15 months later, decided she's fine to be a girl. Kept the non-binary name at school because it's hard for her to step back that far, but pronouns back to she/her.
Maybe we were lucky, but I think keeping it low-key and just riding it out really helped all of us.
I'd be far more worried about the self-harm, but thank god you know about it.